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Replying to Twinks
March 22, 2005
9:12 am
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Juanita
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Hiya Twinks...

Glad to hear all is well your way. Sorry I haven't replied before now. Unfortunately, don't know whether it's the 'hurry up with Spring' blues, or what. Just feel like I'm dragging a bit. Can't figure out how a woman who has 'everything' can be dragging, but I'm sure I'm not the only one. Spring makes me miss / want / yearn for something... Whatever, I'm not making much sense to me right now.... maybe I just need sun shine, flowers, and green grass.

Just wanted to let you know, S is basically gone. My spouse hasn't been asking me or encouraging me to pursue S for a while now ... he tells me he loves me & doesn't want to lose me, but the idea of swinging still appeals to him. (sigh) As a woman who has never been with anyone else her entire life, the idea of such a thing is weird. Yeah, sure, the idea of the whole passion/chemistry thing is interesting on one hand, fearful on the other... not to mention I have no desire to witness what my spouse would be wanting to do. I feel like such a hypocrite to say 'yeah, that's kind of interesting in one way, but not another'. He even told me 20/20 had a whole show about this topic & how it brings couples closer together b/c they trust one another so much. Physical acts are totally separate from love for them. I don't think they are yet for me.

Brother. I can tell you I have learned a lot about myself over the past couple years, but I still have a ways to go for some things in me have yet to change. I think perhaps part of my bumming (as I am typing this and thinking) is that some things still remain the same. I feel very dull and boring in some ways, and wish someone would 'find' me & remind me that I am not. Very insecure of me, eh? Very selfish too I think. Just have to work on changing my perspective again I guess. Keep slipping into old habits when lazy. Must work on my own vision of myself.

Gotta run!! (sorry)
Bye...
J

March 23, 2005
8:41 pm
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Hi Twinks...

Have a happy holiday weekend. Wouldn't you know, my daughter (age 8) who doesn't remember to brush her hair or teeth unless told, remembers last year the Easter Bunny left 72 eggs in our yard for her & her brother to 'hunt'... Go figure! Now, dear Mr. or Mrs. E.B. has to remember to fill 72 plastic eggs & scatter them about the yard in the wee early morning hours! (The neighborhood animals might otherwise take off with them)

When you inquired as to how I am doing, you caught me at a time when my spouse mentioned a 20/20 special on swinging. It, of course, sent me on my insecure way that perhaps I'm not enough rather than his view of it just being an adventure. This has been a fantasy of his for years, just more outspoken in the past 2 yrs. I've told him my opinion and views on it, and just as I am honest with him, he is honest with me. So, considering his attention and consideration of me has improved over the past yr, this is the one sticky wicket remaining. So long as he doesn't pressure me again, I guess I should just accept it as if it were any other fantasy he was discussing and not over-react or interpret it so personally. He is much more complimentary than before. It just throws me a loop after I let myself examine it too much. When he was speaking of it, it wasn't pressuring, it was 'this was a very informative, blunt questions interview on how these people relate to one another, their kids, their religion/marriage vows, how/ where/ when things happen, precautions taken, what kind of people involved in it....they even have vacation resorts & hotels that are very discreet.... everything is controlled by the women's say-so.'

What can I say? I was brought up old fashioned, yet I will consider things (try to with open mind and not judge people) The female side of me that would 'feed' off an attractive man's attn is like 'oooh', the old fashioned married woman is like 'eww', the chicken inside of me is like 'what if I or you like the other person better?'.

My spouse says I over think things & it is just fun fantasy talk. I guess after what we went thru I am just very aware now. I have to trust in him that this is only the fun fantasy talk he says it is.

Naturally, after a few days of quiet & peace at home, I am in a better mood. Not so weird as before. Keep telling myself I am an attractive woman any man would consider himself lucky to have. Yep.

Sorry to run on so long. I hope you have some fun things planned for the weekend - some time with family and friends, some good food, and hopefully NO SNOW! Besides our Egg Hunt, I'll bring my daughter to church (perhaps hubby & son who's 2 will come, we'll see), and then go to my parents home for dinner. hehe, we asked my mom if we should bring a spare ham b/c 2 yrs ago she made a canned ham that came out a shade of white-ish gray. Kinda looked like a weird shaped turkey with no skin. Apparently the canned ham she had purchased had a leak in the seal & was God knows how old! Lucky for us, a store was open that still had hams left. Dinner was a little late, we ate lots of veggies as it was a much smaller ham, but it was an Easter Story to remember.

Hope you are well & many warm thoughts sent your way.

J

March 27, 2005
11:01 pm
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Juanita
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🙂

Thank you for the sweet compliment Twinks. You are a very lovely lady yourself. You've been strong & stood your ground, which after years of marriage is a very intimidating thing to do (leave). You are brave & have strength others only dream of. Have faith in yourself & know you will succeed whenever you feel like screaming.

Like I said, most of the time I am ok. There are long gags in between times when this topic of conversation comes up... When he brings it up, even just in casual talk ... alarm bells slowly start to whind up and toll. He asks me, does this conversation bother you? I'll say, not so long as it's light. You see, sick me, I want to know what's going on in his head. Knowledge is good, but can be awful too. He doesn't keep on the subject like he used too. He knows what he almost lost (me). I just get to feeling oh so insecure & the extra 20 (or so) pounds I carry seem to expand overnite. He tells me I'm beautiful & he loves me but I just hate this insecurity I suscumb to. Lord, I wish I could afford some lypo-suction!! Vacuum the fat off my belly & hips! (such a dream)

So, aside from the bouts of insecurity life has pretty much resumed most of its normalcy. Then again - define normal! ;-} At least I am more content than I had been in the past. Working on happy. Hubby is trying very hard. Sometimes too hard. He watches everything I say, and analizes it for happiness levels and critics/interprets it into how good of a job he's doing. So, he's watching what he says, and I'm watching what I say. The slightest thing he does wrong, he apologizes like 5 times.... Like this morning, he came upstairs to change while I was changing to go to church. As he was mentioning about how he'd like to try going again so our daughter will see us together at church more, I thought he meant he was going today as Easter Sunday is a high holiday. He asked if I thought my folks could b-b-sit today (no, they were cooking Easter Dinner, NOT a good time to ask). When I came downstairs, I'm saying let's get our coats on & go... I notice he's not putting his shoes on. I ask, 'are you coming?' He instantly apologizes multiple times, saying no he wasn't planning on it, but he'll go if I want him to. I told him 'no biggie' . I just assumed he was due to his conversation a few minutes ago... I feel bad he apologizes so much now over trivial things & feel that I created that oversensitivity somehow. We just have to work on it some more. Better to have him sensitive to what's going on than not I suppose. It's just one extreme to another. (shaking my head here - I'm such a middle ground person!)

I hope your day was happy & restful. We had stuffed shrimp for a change & everyone napped after dinner. Our daughter had woken up at 1:30 AM scoping out if the Easter Bunny had came (he did), and couldn't sleep the rest of the night for want of looking for Easter Eggs!! Needless to say, after having gone to bed at 12:30 ourselves - we did not have much sleep at all.

Any way - I am glad you are enjoying your new found freedom and all the joys it can bring. Hang in there for those times you want to scream ... and sometimes, just grab a pillow & stuff you face into it & scream away. Primal scream therapy works wonders - you just have to watch out for the neighbors.

Be well & stay in touch. It is 11 PM & I've got to hit the sack before the computer desk hits me...

Juanita

March 29, 2005
4:16 pm
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sewunique
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Twinks ad Juanita,

Greetings to both of you, friends!

This appears to be the best place to reply to you Twinks, so excuse me for dropping in on your thread with Juanita here.

I have been here at AAC daily, reading the posts as usual, just have drawn back from reading 100% as used to, as I feel I cannot keep up with it all and in reality, there seems less for me to respond to. The threads do seem to change, people come and go, and the themes change. Right now, there does not seem to be much interest for me and I guess I am in a different space right now. A good place, with some ill things I still have to deal with and time is the best answer for things to pass. (MY STBX for one major problem).

Last Januarey or so, I had a question about is there any resolve or solution to codepency. I was referred to post a thread up here by a very wise person in charge. I felt I had graduated to be up here in Libs! I can see the growth I have accomplished here and the help of this group has been phenminal, yes, even the challenges of debating here and there. And the times when I have stepped out to question people's intentions here and below. It has al been good stuff. Stretch and grow is my motto. And I am still doing the same. I just can't write on that thread here I started before, as nothing really pulls at me to write about it. so perhaps I am on a hiatus and it all is just soaking up inside of me. So I still read here and that of itself is great and does not always require posting back to be able to benefit from it.

So that is the space I am in right now. I am still here, just not always visible!

My oficial nursing license came this week! I have started a job with a nursing home that is Finnish-American, so I am embercing my heritage (half Finn I am) that I was never allowed to as a child. I just learned how to pronnounce my middle Finnish name! All these years. Eila; long A, la, short a. Or; A -la. Pretty I think.

I had quit working when things got where I could not handle them about three years ago. I was told by my STBX aunt who has a PhD in nursing, that I was a bad nurse and should quit nursing. I was also on four major drug catagories, as they could not figure out "the why" antidepressants and anti anxiety meds were not working! Go figure!

Any whay, this new job embraced my qualities and value me and the place is small, non profit and I love it. So I am back in the geriatrics now where I was burned out from and ready to go forward. It is a good feeling. This is what I needed. And they are fortunate to have me and I them. It is a good fit!!!

So that is whare I am at right now. Good and bad, the ying and the yang. I emberace it all and am ready to move forward!

March 29, 2005
5:31 pm
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BTW, after I discovered what was going on with my STBX and marriage, I weaned myself off all medication. I have been off all meds for two years and my friends say I am not doing great (I feel great and like myself again, only better) and they say I am back to the old Christine I was from five or more years ago. Isn't it amazing how that fog clouds up the thinking and rationalization of reality that when it lifts, one can see clearly? Just takes time. And AAC was the end result of getting back to where I should be. Sure, I could use some antideoressants, but that is a small issue of where I was before, and who know? Perhaps after this part of my life clears up, I won't need that either?

I am ever so grateful for this site and the bonding and support of everyone here!!!!

Sew/C

April 1, 2005
9:02 am
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Hi Twinks,

The pensioers of AAC, hey? Quite an interestig slant on it, yes.

Actually, it was SC whom suggested I first post my question up here of my question about if it was at all possible to recover well and to get out of this entrapment of codependency. And so I did. A bit agraid to come up here, I was, after reading the heavy philosophical bedates that ran on the threads up here.

I wasn't sure I fit in, belonged here or would be accepted here. Ah! the signs of inadequacy, of codependency!!! Right? I wasn't sure if I could handle the heavy critical ideas pushed back and forth in which each challenged the other. But I did come here. I felt honored that it was suggested I come here. I felt like I had graduated.

Now I know this is a good place for me to be. Sometimes it feells like the only place to be, as I try to find a thread I land on and post on in the Support section, and find there is not much for me to get involved in anymore.

So I wanted to share that with you. I needed to tell you this. It is a great feeling in knowing that one has value in what one says and others will seek out to hear what one has to say when we get to this level. I feel stronger, wiser, have learned much that I can feel assured now that what I have to say has real substance to it. I feel confident enough to even challenge where I see or believe one needs to be challenged; whether it be to question one's intent for harm or good, or to encourage one to stretch and grow and look at things at a different persective, or for my own self service need to have a good debate. These are all good things, Twinks. Is it not? Have I truly reached the next level? Jeez, I even look fosrward to Tez's postings wherever he may be next! Agree or not, is not always the issue. It is not always the answer. I have come to a place I have wanted to be, and this will take me onto the next level when I am ready.

I have learned much about myself. I have learned that I love people for being people and love diversity of friends. I need that. I now make friends readily. Even new people I see seek my friendship out (delightful!) as I am friendly and a bit unique. I seek out social situations of small groups and especially the one to one conversations. I love to teach and need to share with others and of course, to help others, but I need to remind myself to tone it down where I do not force my idealist ideals on to others.

Please hop on down to the Support threads and see the one about the Myers-Briggs test about personality testing. Revealing! You might wish to do it for yourself. This test is held in high regard for years it has been around and is right on the money. Employers have used it for years. But I am of the smaller population. No wonder I beat my own drum. No wonder I sit on the fence of pro-life issues cuz I see both sides of it. I am a Champion idealist. The ying and the yang, the seeker of good/bad and getting there is more fun than the actual solution.

This may sound corny, but I believe I am getting to the point of self love and actualization. I still feel haughty in saying out loud or writing that I am a pretty interesting and neat kind of gal, but I am getting to that point. I still want to remain modest and humble in my being, so what I am trying to say here is a poor way of expressing my deight at my new growth. It does fit well tho'.

You have been a great inspiration and support to me. I appreciate your edging me on. i fear your tlak of dismissal of here and will address that more later here. Others have been great teachers as well, such as Zinnie, bless her true loving heart and wisdom, WD, for his strengtha d commitment, though he refused to engage in conversation with me, he has been helpful with his postings all around, willing and True, wherever they may be, OMW and mamaC, who have become permanent friends, Camer and Juanita, Cici and Ren'ai in there own special ways they have, and Tez, ah lovely Tez who may not even care to care that I care what he says. No, I do not seek approval on any of this. It is good enough in itself what I see and feel here. It is what I must share from my head and my heart.

Now, Twinks, if I may be the teacher here with you? I am concerned and wish to heed you caution in your thoughts in the other thread. You will figure this out without my being too direct on these printed words here. You are very intuitive and perceptive. You have a longer history of being here than I do and your conclusion/accusation may stem from that in mind. You are usulaly right in your perceptions, but why was this necessary? Was it to challenge? To heed caution? I tried to find the posting where you quoted and came to your conclusion. I could not find it. Perhaps it has been deleted? Again, I am concerned about this and am not sure where it will lead to. I know you have challenged and questioned before, and I have been right behind you in learning with another incidence here a while back, if you recall.

I truly hope you do not leave this site. You're not going to get banned because you challenge! So for leaving, not yet, anyway, as you have much more to offer here. I have much to learn from you, which I know is my own selfish motive, but hey, I do hope you feel that way as well. And, best of all I love to hear from you in what you share of yourself.

Take care, friend, my mentor, teacher,

Sew/C

April 1, 2005
9:14 am
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Plato's allegory of the cave; I see the light, now I too must return to the cave to share with others who only see the shadows. But in seeing the light, I wonder, is this the only light? Or are there many shades, light values, hues of that light? Are there many truths? This personal persective I have not read about in any interpretations of Plato's allegory. I may have missed it, of course, but I just landed upon this idea while writing at this very moment.

April 1, 2005
6:55 pm
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Sewunique.

On 1-Apr-05 you said:

"Jeez, I even look fosrward to Tez's postings wherever he may be next!"

"Jeez" ... you are in a bad way. 🙂

April 4, 2005
1:08 pm
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Short, sweet, and simple ... like me! ;o}

thinking of you Twinks.

Scream into any pillows lately?

Thanks for all the replies you posted about the 20/20 article (I forgot to say that before).

I just wonder, what will our life be like 20 yrs from now? Who knows....

Got to run!

Work calling!

J

April 4, 2005
1:51 pm
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Hiya Twinks!

Ah, but am I in a bad way? I think not! Your sense of humour again, I see. Actually, I feel I am doing quite well, despite my living status here. My divorce hearing is this Tuesday, the settlement I will have to await for at least sixty days, longer if he can find ANY way to stall it, so I am banking on that one. (Always the last word, the last hurrah with a control freak). I am waiting for my first paycheck to pay the mortgage which is behind, and yesterday, I have not water here at the condo and figure it is a leak in the hot water tank with no funds to call maintenance. My adult child daughter still sees red and apparently upset with me divorcing and have not heard from her despite my repeated attempts to contact her or my grandchildren.

Jeez, I must be such a terrible woman. All I want is peace and not to be harrassed and abused. That is all. I failed somehow, but I am doing the best I can and the best I know how to forge thur the darkened path. I still see light at the end of the tunnel. so far, I have not needed a flashlite 😉

So you see, there is not much around here that can shake me up as my mind is strickly in the survival mode. But hey, there is an end to this, if not, will get back to you as I scream loudly!

You uncovered an old Victorian fireplace? That is right up my alley. How wonderful! I must come over and help you refurbish it.

Yes, gerians can be like children in many ways. Physically, they are frail and the meds you have to be carefulwith as they react all too well or poorly to them and many contraindications. They sighns of illness are not always textbook, they are subtle so you have to be on your toes for any cognitive or behaivioral changes. They doctors are not present like in the hospital, so they depend upon you; I love that twist and respect! And when they lose their cognitive abilities and the systems begin to fail and shut down, they can become infantile. Though we never refer to it that way as giving the due respect they deserve not aonly as human beings, but as the golden years they have respectfully earned. I do love the elderly! But cannot tolerate the children. Most nurses I know prefer one or the other, (geriatrics or children) but so not like working with the opposite. Strange, isn't that? so yes, it is challenging and frustrating together. But it is what I do and I love it.

Sew

April 4, 2005
1:59 pm
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Tez,

My error, I thought this statement came from Twinks in my haste of running through the threads, when on April 1st you said:

"Jeez" ... you are in a bad way. 🙂

Had I caught that earlier, I could have claimed that as an April Fool's joke, but too late now to call that bluff!

Yes, I welcome your responses. Look up in today's post to Twinks, not much here can rattle me right now, and hopefully, I have hit one of my marks in moving ahead with steadfast strength and growth.

Sew

April 4, 2005
2:12 pm
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Juanita, greetings,

I just had to comment on what you posted to WD was just beautful how you expressed yourself and showed your loving compassion! I wish I could express myself as well as you do. I just needed to share that.

You also explained how I and many others feel sometimes, that who would listen to us/me anyway? I am trying to get over that one and doing better at it. You are well thought of and I do hope you realize we think of you, even when not around here. Besides, you share great jokes, too!

Sew/C

April 4, 2005
2:32 pm
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Sew

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Just remember, with each passing day, it gets better and better, to the point where even the bad days are still better the good bad days.

Huh. What did I just write? And that is the way it is in my head so I don't know how to fix that sentence!

It sounds like your daughter has some serious issues that she must deal with. Hopefully she will. Using the grandchildren like that, it just isn't right. And it will only hurt her in the future.

You are not a terrible woman! what's so terrible is that people think it is wrong for someone to want a little peace and happiness. And I know the feeling. 60 Days! The future looks so very bright!

Gully

April 4, 2005
11:32 pm
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Sew,

Thank you for your kind words. You have spoken many truths yourself, so do not sell yourself short. You also handle things with a delightful sense of humour about you. Sometimes, it is the laughing at ourselves that pulls us thru the worst.

Sorry to hear about your eldest daughter. Sometimes maturity is not related to age. She is hurting that her world is changing. It is such a shame though that she, in turns, hurts you and the grandchildren (Pardon - I didn't think you 'sounded' old enough to have grandchildren ;o} ) Have you tried to offer going to counseling with her? A neutral place to openly express one another's feelings and hurts? The child inside her sees what she knew growing up falling apart. I shall say a prayer for you two in hopes that the fences shall mend and peace return.

Me? I guess I'm into the 'blah' mode right now. Running low on energy and oomph. Kind of like a well... There is plenty of water running, crystal clear, cool, comforting, bubbley and energetic - feeling taken for granted for a while, but unless the rains fall or the ground waters flow for support, nourishment and enrichment, things get a little tapped out once in a while.

Simplistic it seems. I whole heartedly offer people support and caring with genuine emotion. However, as much as I notice people like this and accept this, they, like water, flow away, after they have drunk their fill and nourished their needs.

Gawd - I feel like a bad poet!! Dunk me in some batter, deep fry me to cook my brains out, and stick a fork in me.... I'm done.

This lady desperately needs some sleep. Sorry if I'm kooky or corny - just another facet to my personality I guess.

Hang in there. You are making progress and staying strong. Your daughter will come around - just continue to offer her your love and patience. You have known your thoughts and plans a lot longer than she has, and only you have lived your life. She cannot understand until she walks in your shoes. This may take a while (hopefully not), but continue to offer the love and warmth so that you are true to your heart. Try not to let hurt feelings guide you when dealing with her, but hope for a better future and understanding between the two of you. Do think about the counseling idea - if not now - perhaps in the future she will be ready to consider it.

And, talk to your Condo manager - perhaps you can work a deal to pay for the water heater repair over time. (I discovered a new mechanic that let me pay a $550 repair bill on time... that was nice.) You never know unless you ask.

Good nite, (I'm about falling off my chair)

I wish I knew what WD thought of my words... but that seems like wishful thinking right now. It would be nice to know if they help him, or if he thinks I'm some kind of heart on her sleeve goof.... if he finds this on his own - fine - no telling him though 😉 Ok? Ok.

elch - good nite ... (fingers stretching to the keys form teh flllor .... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

Juanita

April 6, 2005
12:55 pm
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Twinks -

As tough as this is to believe - that room is only as powerful as you let it be. Instead of focusing on past dreams, perhaps change the angle of your prespective to an exciting new beginning, of new hopes and dreams. Easier said than done - I know. But try we must. The more we try, the stronger we get. (Why self improvement has to be so tough, I don't know... If I had it my way - celery sticks would add pounds onto you and chocolate would be a must to lose weight, and so on...)

Just think - now, you can do it your way, whatever color, design, or room arrangement you like. Try to embrace the possibilities of what the future holds.

Good luck.

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