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Ren'ai, where are you?
February 21, 2005
11:35 pm
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sewunique
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Ren'ai,

What have I been missing? I am saddened to read your thoughts. Darn, I am stumped for words when emotionally distraught, but I am going to try. So for starters, here is another validation for you. Yep, you got it" I, Christine validate you Ren'ai, as a wonderful human being!!! Taking her fair share of abuse and degradation to be properly beholded to the people who surround her. Who now wants to get out of that place and find peace!!! So be it. It is there Ren'ai just accept it. Open your eyes when you meditate this time and see it for what it is. Ren'ai, you are very special to me, I do not want to loose you. Don't you wanto wait around to hear the end of your story? Please do not give up without a fair shake at getting some help before you continue with any further ideas on this!!!!

You know the pain of losing someone dear, you are so special to me and all of us at this AAC family. I am not giving up on you!!!! Will you please seek out counseling or call someone. This is very serious stuff you are feeling. Have you thought about further intenssive treatment? Mybe call a crisis line or check into a hospital? I wish I could be there in lyour living room and help, but I am only here. Please get back to us tonite and let us know how you are doing. My prayees are with you,

Love and warm hugs,

Sew/C

February 21, 2005
11:44 pm
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sewunique
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Ren'ai,

I am back checking on you...damit Ren'ai, this is too much to be talking this way. Please call the hopital or crisis line, Now. Now I see your post as I was writing. You know, I have a 15 year old dog....who is near death with pancreatits, I am not putting her down. It is not that easy. And the same for you. Forget about the career effects; things will and can work out if you get hopitalized. Put yourself in voluntarily. Take the stand for yourself. Will your sistere be there to help make arrangements to get into the hospital with you? Please get back to us and let us know what is up. We are here waiting for you.

All my love and more hugs to you, Ren'ai

Sew/C

February 21, 2005
11:59 pm
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on my way
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Ren'ai...to do the suicide thing would be giving power, final power to that person who hurt you. You are not with her anymore, but I am sure she does not hate you. Honey, that empty void inside of you right now...filling it with pills will not help. What about your girls, and what if they had to live life without you...you have to think of these things.
You have a nawesome spirit. You are intelligent, kind, loving, sweet, giving, open hearted...don't throw that away. Too many people would miss you. But DO whatever is necessary to help yourself, even if it means checking into an emergency room at a hospital and telling them you feel suicidal. Those feelings will take you nowhere, so please don't even think this way ok? You are hurt, but you will get through this. You will.

February 22, 2005
12:07 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

Thanks for showin me the smileys. I need you here. Who else will teach me the silly things I don't know.

Please do not check out on us. Oh God, I do know the pain you are feeling. But ya know... If I can stick around another 22 years then surely you can do the same. I do have to say that it only gets better when you are already this low.

Honey, you are so loved. By your family, by us, by me, even by God. Do not let anyone make you feel like this. It's not worth it. Stand up and show them what you are made of. It's a little wobbly at first, but then you gain your footing and then you take steps and then you stride, and then look out coz then you are and can be as assertive as me? lol. I look back and cannot believe I was ever that scared little girl. Now I'm one tough mama that has so much love in my heart that I can include one more and that's you.

Stay with us baby. You are so needed here. Go check into the hospital tonight. Don't wait till you look at options. Hey, there is always another career to be had.

Choose life. It's really not so bad.

February 22, 2005
12:36 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

You here? You seeing the love here for you? Talk to us. I'll stay up all night w/ you if you want to talk. I'd really rather you check into the hospital tonight tho. I need to know you are safe. Talk back to us. Let us know what is goin on w/ you. Please

February 22, 2005
12:57 am
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sewunique
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Ren'ai,

i am here with you too and will stay up all nite if you need. Maybe you are sleeping and getting rested or taking some phone calling in? Still waiting for you Ren'ai, I love you, lady, I want you safe,

February 22, 2005
4:59 pm
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sewunique
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Ren'ai,

It is late afternoon. Please respond. Hope you are safe and we are here for you!!!

February 22, 2005
5:07 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

Please let us know now how you are. We are all here waiting to hear. Prayin hard. Please respond.

Love ya,

February 28, 2005
12:12 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey all,

Sorry I just checked out on you the way I did. I had to leave town for work, had no access to a PC, and then needed to meet with my sisters to talk about what to do next.

I have to say I'm feeling proud of myself for the most part. I'm still alive, for one thing, and it was so fucking hard to make it this far but I did it.

I had to drive past my ex's "house" twice on my trip out of town--once leaving, once returning. On the way there, I stopped and left some momentos from the friend of ours who recently overdosed. We were supposed to meet and talk but she wasn't there, I knew she wouldn't be. I wrote her a letter and left the stuff. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, drive 250 miles to that home--what was to be "our" home, and face the rejection of her not being there. But I did it, and I held my head high as I climbed the steps to leave the stuff at her door.

Also, the email I sent to my sisters, well, I sent copies of it to some friends that I trust and got lots of loving and positive feedback. I sent a copy to my boss because I didn't want him freaking out over things if my sisters decided to put me away for a while. He was loving and understanding. He took me out to lunch and we talked for a good 2 hours. Then I treated myself to a movie--"Constantine"--the new Keanu flick. I even got a response from a friend who said when she got my email she had just finished writing her own suicide note and plan, then she put them in her pocket and explained to me all the reasons why she and I cannot go through with suicide.

Yeah, I took some "pain killers" and I guess people might judge me for that, but it kept me alive. Yeah. I'm not kidding! I limited myself to one each night at a certain time, and I made it to the weekend when I was able to surround myself with family, some I had never met before, some I hadn't seen in several years.

I also spent some time taking care of me when I was at my work conference. It was all about leading anger/aggression management group therapy stuff. There was a book there about dealing with shame, which I have come to realize is a HUGE issue for me. It seems like I feel nothing but guilt and shame when I'm overwhelmed with the sadness and severe depression--the guilt and shame is the source of the problem. So I bought myself the book, and a copy for my ex as today is her birthday.

I'm still in love with her. I can still admit it and that's more than she has the courage to do right now. I'm alive. My little great-nephew slept in my arms while I sang sweet songs to him more than once this weekend. My soon to be daughter-in-law's doggie had puppies successfully. I thought the puppies would be too big and she would have to be put down. The sun is finally shining here and I'm glad to be alive.

My plan is to do what I did before--survive from one therapy session to the next until I don't have to anymore. Then all I have to do is survive from one bout of severe depression to the next...

Thank you all for loving me. I do know I'm worthy of that love, but I'll have to share that story later... I'm thinking I might write it up for the "Sun Magazine" Reader's Write section!

I know I worried you all terribly and caused you more stress. I apologize with all my heart. Life is hard. None of us needs anyone around who makes it harder. I'm going to keep on trying hard not to do this again, okay?

Love to all,

Ren'ai

February 28, 2005
12:22 pm
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on my way
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So glad you are feeling/are safe!! Yes we were worried about you...so we prayed for you. Hugs, omw

February 28, 2005
12:55 pm
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sewunique
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Ren'ai

I am glad you are alive and well. Thank yourself for the strength you gave to you, go on. Thank you for coming back and to let us know how you are. Many prayers and good thoughts went your way. I am glad you are in a safe place and for you to get better and stronger thru all this.

Love and hugs (((((Ren'ai)))))

Sew/C

February 28, 2005
4:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Again, I am so sorry that I stressed you all out the way I did.

Let me tell you what I said to my sisters and friends that I shamefully didn't say to you: Please, if you expend ANY energy on me, let it be love. Not worry. Not stress. Not thoughts of fear or despair--just love.

Your love will help me heal. It is the greatest and most beautiful gift, also one of the things most difficult to ask of anyone yet I feel safe to do that here.

Thank you so very much for everything.

Love to all,

Ren'ai

February 28, 2005
5:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

YEAH You're back! OMG I have prayed so hard for your safety.

Looks like you are back on the road to healing. Stay w/ us. I so missed you. You have my love too.

Glad you are back. YEAH! WHOO HOO

February 28, 2005
5:39 pm
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Anonymous
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Thank you so much, MC. I want you and everyone else to know that I did feel your love and support during this time. It's why I come to this place. I know that when things get really, really, REALLY bad for me, I can talk about it here and people genuinely care.

I appreciate and love you!

Ren'ai

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