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Ren'ai, where are you?
February 10, 2005
11:12 pm
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on my way
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are you okay?

February 10, 2005
11:15 pm
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SweetAmanda
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Yeah, haven't seen you around lately.

Busy with work? Don't feel bad if you are.

I sometimes get busy, and all I can do is work, sleep, work, sleep, oh yeah... pay bills, work, sleep, feed the dogs...

Then the weekend comes and I get to come back on here! LOL

But today I was bad, and I called off of work. *naughty me!* I didn't feel like going in. Oh well. I'm depressed. So sue me.

February 11, 2005
11:35 am
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sewunique
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Ren'ai,

Did you fall off the face of the earth? Where are you? Hope you are okay, lady. If it's busy, that's ok. If not, we're here waiting for you!

February 11, 2005
1:19 pm
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Hello to all,

Thank you for your concern and for thinking of me. I could "feel" you...

Yes, I kinda fell off the face of the earth.

Some of you might know that I'm going through a break up. It has been an ugly thing, more because of how much I loved my partner. She is the only person I ever made a long-term commitment to. I never thought we would "divorce" but less than 4 months after our commitment ceremony she broke up with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing alright, you know? I feel like my life is moving forward, like I can live without her. Other times I feel like my entire life has been wiped out--like the tsunami wiped out the lives of so many. I feel like I have the emotional version going on in my own spirit or something.

So this week I had to be out of town for work. I "played" with some pain meds. I drew a "self portrait" that is pretty disturbing, but felt very therapeutic. My ex told me she is already "in love" with someone else. I am tired in my heart.

I'm struggling to figure out what all of this is about. On the grand scale, in the "big picture" what does all of this really matter? I'm a speck of energy in a universe full of universes. What difference do I make? At the same time, I feel a sort of moral obligation to ride things out. At the same time I feel pissed off that I can't just tell my loved ones "Look, I'm tired. I'm in pain. I'm going to kill myself and I would like your loving support when I do it." It would be a relief to go with their permission, and with their understanding that there are more difficult pains than those we live with physically.

In a couple of weeks, I'm going to see my entire family. It will be the first time in 25 years that all of us will be together. So much can change in two weeks. I wonder how I will be feeling then...

Love to all,

Ren'ai

February 12, 2005
12:07 am
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SweetAmanda
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Ren'ai

I know how you're feeling.

"What's so bad about killing myself?" I have been feeling that moral obligation to continue in this 'life' as well. But I sure don't feel like it. Also, just like you, I am fucking angry as hell because I feel like everyone is stopping me from doing it. They wouldn't support me. It is a selfish thing to do I guess. I did tell my mom once that if I could help it that I wouldn't die before her. (You know how they say it's the hardest thing to lose a child?) What does it really matter though? Not to be over-dramatic or anything, but I have been thinking about it for a long while. And, I decided that if I do, I will make the decision, and re-think it out for several days and THEN do it. I don't want to do anything during a time when my emotions are all over the place.

I have the song in my head: "Time Marches On" It's a country song. Maybe you could download it and listen to it? It's a good one.

I have been praying. Well, more like begging/yelling/pouting/asking God. I will mention you. Is that okay?

I took some sleeping pills (don't worry, only 1 over the recommended dosage... for that added zing!) And they are kicking in.

I'll check back later.

Bye for now,
~Amanda~

February 12, 2005
2:49 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai and Amanda:

I know the feeling you are going thru. Been there as I'm sure ya'll know so won't repeat myself. I even struggle w/ those feelings at times recent.

You are feeling like you need to stay and go on because you are to do so. Every "speck of energy", to quote Ren'ai, touches the lives or space of the other little specks. Every other speck you come across you have some type impact on their life whether it be to plant a small seed to grow or to smack them up side the head so to say. Each little speck has a purpose and if that little speck checks out before their time is up it sets the whole universe out of balance. If you check out early you may cause someone else down the road to die, make a wrong decision, whatever. (how am i doin w/ the speck thing Ren'ai?)

I know things are hard. Is it not our challenge to overcome instead of taking the easy way out?

Look, I know tired and I know pain. You now I do. And yes, I have days it's just not worth it too. But when I look around at those that are here that do love me, how could I be so selfish as to take my own life. I ask you the same question.

I'm sorry you are in pain. I have no magic answers other than to tell you to pray. To seek.

Please stay till the movie is over. It really might have a fantastic ending and I wouldn't want you to miss it.

February 13, 2005
5:33 pm
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SweetAmanda
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mama

Hi. I'm going to stay for the movie. I'm feeling better today.

See, that's what I hate, the up and down. I never know how I'm going to feel.

I talked with my mom about it all yesterday.

And Wednesday she is going in with me to my counseling session.

I'm still sad, but I have hope...

LOL for today!

=)

Love, Amanda

February 15, 2005
11:10 am
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Okay, here comes the Devil's Advocate... There is a part of me that feels it's selfish of my loved ones to pressure me to live on in pain rather than letting me go! Isn't our grief and anger around suicide also somewhat selfish?

I think you all probably know that I had a friend die on Dec. 17th from what looked like an accidental overdose. She had been very suicidal and had attempted suicide at least once that I know of. When I found out she was dead, I cried not because she may have done it on purpose but because I knew she was in so much pain. She was a sweet and loving woman. She would have held on if she could have, but she just couldn't do it anymore. Her poor little heart/spirit was just too tired to keep going.

I saw how broken her mother was when she first learned of her daughter's death. It drove me to promise my own family that I would never do the same to them. Later, though, it was as if a sort of sense of relief and peace came over her mother. Maybe she found comfort in knowing she would never again have to worry how her daughter was doing. She would never again have to worry that she was going to get "the" call--she'd gotten it and survived it. She would never again have to worry that she was going to find her daughter after she'd been dead for days in her apartment--the police found her instead.

I wonder if anyone in my family would be relieved...

Ren'ai

February 15, 2005
3:04 pm
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Ren'ai,

No one would be relieved should you go. You would leave an empty space here that no one else could fill. I, for one, would miss you.

"it was as if a sort of sense of relief and peace came over her mother."

Please don't confuse acceptance with relief or peace. They are not the same. It sounds as if your friend's mother has accpeted her daughter's passing. The pain and loss are still there but different.

I've been there. A lot of us have. The only thing that often kept me from that solution was the fact that my boys would probably find me. I held on to that and the times passed. I have known many people who have lost loved ones through suicide. The pain and grief and loss never leaves. I think that the love and compassion overcomes those feelings. Maybe that is the acceptance part.

I have a friend, a soulmate, that came very close to the brink over the holidays. I can't imagine my life without her. We had been separated for many years and have only really restablished our relationship over the past year, though we have been bonded together since we met.

It's a strange, magical thing, life.

Gully

February 15, 2005
3:35 pm
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Hey Gully,

The Holidays can be so hard! My partner dumped me 3 days after our friend died. If I hadn't promised my family that they would never again have to worry about me killing myself, I would have done it the day after I got dumped. So, I guess in some weird way the death of my friend ended up saving my life.

I also have 2 children, and I have a grandson on the way in April. I have much to live for, just gotta remember to keep counting those blessings, that's all.

Thanks for your kind words and insight.

Love,

Ren'ai

February 17, 2005
12:59 pm
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My therapist died on Valentine's Day.

What a way to go!!! What a day to go!!!

I'm not sure what to do next...

Ren'ai

February 17, 2005
1:15 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

I am so sorry about your therapist.

What to do next.... Grieve for now.
Do you have another therapist chosen yet? I think you said this therapist had everything in order right. I think you therapist would want you to get up and go on. Remember fond memories of him from time to time. But I think the main thing is getting up and goin on. The best way to remember or honor someone who has passed on is to be the best person you can be. In my opinion.

February 17, 2005
2:11 pm
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I have some other therapists on my mind, but it's hard. I know everyone in the town I live in. Since I have to go to a town 100 miles south for work about 2 times a month anyway, I chose a therapist there. Been seeing him for over a year. He was the only therapist in that office who would take my insurance so...

I do need to grieve. I have a lot to grieve.

Thank you for your kind words and for reaching out to me.

Love to you,

Ren'ai

February 17, 2005
2:35 pm
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sewunique
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Ren'ai

I'm sorry to hear about your therapist. That has to be hard, I know how we see them as people, too, not just someone who we pay to help fix us.

To have a good therapy outcome, it is best to have a good bonding with the therapist, who ironically, we still have to remain unattached to to keep a therapeutic setting.

I give him credit for working so far into his illness. Maybebe doing so, he offered more to you than had he left the practice when first ill? What a wonderful gift that was!

February 17, 2005
3:52 pm
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He was only recently diagnosed, and given a 2 year prognosis. He didn't expect to die so soon, but I know the last time I saw him he knew it was coming. I also knew. I spent years working in a nursing home and when someone I learned to "spot" when someone was dying. It's kind of weird.

He did "offer" me a referral the last time we saw each other. I told him I wanted to schedule with him anyway because I believed in hoping for the best.

I know he did, too. It makes me sad in many ways, but I know he was resigned to go when the time was right for him. He seemed much at peace with his mortality the last time we spoke so that is a comfort to me.

I feel deeply for his wife and his little son.

Love to them,

Ren'ai

February 17, 2005
6:03 pm
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Okay. Last night I watched this movie called "Jacob's Ladder" for the first time. According to the "documentary" it's supposed to be about this man who dies in Vietnam, and what his process of dying is really like for him. That's the "direct" interpretation of the movie. However, at the end of the movie there is this statement that our government allegedly used "mind altering" chemicals in the war there, but that the government steadfastly denies any of this. This is an "indirect" interpretation of the movie--much like the movie "The Hunted" where it looks like the main character has lost it but in reality he is the only one who really knows what's going on...

So I'm thinking about death. I mean, I'm sometimes suicidal, not to mention the fact that a friend of mine died in December and now my therapist dies almost exactly two months later. Trippy.

And I'm wondering if our moment of transition is really that confusing for us, as depicted in this "Jacob's Ladder" movie, or if we know what is happening as it happens.

Has anyone ever had a "death" experience? I know one person who has and she said it was beautiful. She's a lesbian, by the way, so apparently the bible doensn't tell us all of the facts--although I already had this figured out.

Anyway, if you have, and you stumble across this, please post about it.

Thanks!

Love to all,

Ren'ai

February 17, 2005
6:36 pm
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Ren'a

I am sorry to hear about your therapist. It sounds like he was a very good therapist and a great human being.

Gully

February 17, 2005
7:07 pm
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Ren'ai

Tell you what....

You are depressed. That really screws with your head. I guarantee you I know what I'm talking about here.

When the Evil One who threatened to hurt my little boy then proceeded to hurt him and then abducted him, something broke inside me. I had been free of bad dreams for more than ten years.

Suddenly I satrted having nightmares again. And I began to dream of holding a gun in my mouth. I would wake up feeling horrible. There was part of me that just wanted to jump into the icy sea and be done with this evil world.

I still have nightmares. And I still don't have what I consider to be a "normal" mood. As people here can tell you, I sometimes feel pretty dark.

But I have learned to cope better with my emotional weather. I have a life. I have a reason to live. I can still help people. I can still find some things to enjoy.

Thing about death is--it's irreversible.

My advice to you--get some help. Hang in there. You can always kill yourself later.

As far as your ex goes...
The fact that she dumped you so soon after marrying you and the fact that she is already "in love" with someone else does not speak well of her as an emotionally mature, or even as a particularly mentally healthy person. She is not worthy of you.

February 18, 2005
2:40 pm
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Yeah, I guess you're right. I do have plenty of time to kill myself if that's what I want to do.

So, this morning I was lying in bed, just basically feeling stressed out and sick inside because I'm supposed to see my ex this weekend to pick up a bunch of furniture I took over there thinking we'd be living together at some point. I don't want to deal with this, and I really just feel like I want to be done with this lifetime. I guess for that reason, because I see things in "lifetimes" I don't see death as irreversible but I digress...

I tried to meditate while I was in this state of wanting to transition, and found I couldn't find a way to tap into any of the energy I can usually tap into when I meditate. Everything seemed "dead." I got no little "signals" or feedback of any kind. I couldn't pick up on anything. It was really scary, to be in this situation and feel so disconnected from this plane of existance. Then I understood that if my decision is to transition ASAP I have to disconnect from this plane of existance.

I don't know yet whether or not that has changed my mind, but it sure did make me think about some stuff...

I'll have to write more of this when I can invest more emotionally/spiritually.

Love to all,

Ren'ai

February 18, 2005
5:29 pm
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Okay, so I'm sitting here at work, basically fucking around because I've just been crying all damn day anyway--again, and I go to this site that someone mentioned on the support threads called "facade.com" where there's all this stuff with tarot readings, I Ching, etc. and I start to get some Tarot readings done. Nothing but blue skies in my future according to every single reading I did but every single one also pointed to the fact that I have to make a clear "choice" to accept the positive that is headed my way.

I'm a believer, so I guess I better hang out for a while. I see Keanu Reeves in my future at last!

Love,

Ren'ai

February 21, 2005
4:25 pm
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When does it ever end?!!?

My ex is fighting with me about furniture. Furniture!!! It was given to me as a gift. I took it to her place because it was supposed to be my place, too. And she wants to fight about giving it back to me.

Life is hard. Why do people who supposedly love you work so diligently to make life harder for those they profess to love?

It makes no sense to me...

Ren'ai

February 21, 2005
8:35 pm
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Don't you know by now Ren'ai? There is no such thing as inconditional love. How could there be really? It would take two completely healthy people and I dod not think there is such a thing on this earth. Dysfunction to some degree is part of everyone's life. So don't think you have the market cornered there darlin!! LOL

We all do the same things you know. We cry, we agonize, we create drama in our lives that has no business being there. It interferes with the growing process!!!

Girl, do not think about checking out. It's not every day a kindred spirit comes along. If it's validation you need then here it is!! I, Lori, validate you Ren'ai, as a wonderful human being!!! Taking her fair share of abuse and degradation to be properly beholded to the people who surround her. Who now wants to get out of that place and find peace!!! So be it. It is there Ren'ai just accept it. Open your eyes when you meditate this time and see it for what it is.

February 21, 2005
10:26 pm
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Ren'ai:

Workinonit - wow! is all I can say.

Ren'ai - Don't check out. Don't let what's her name get ya down. I know that it's a gift, but is it worth you're falling apart over? I know the person who gave it to you would tell you to let it go. It's the thought that counts, not the package.

I too will validate you. Gonna use your words workinonit since they were so well done.

I, Linda, validate you Ren'ai, as a wonderful human being!!! Taking her fair share of abuse and degradation to be properly beholded to the people who surround her. Who now wants to get out of that place and find peace!!! So be it. It is there Ren'ai just accept it. Open your eyes when you meditate this time and see it for what it is.

We are all pullin for you; and praying for you too. (smiley). (somebody's got to teach me how to do those cute smileys.) Don't leave the best family you'll ever have. It would hurt all us to much to have you gone.

Love ya,

February 21, 2005
10:46 pm
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You can make the little "smiley faces" with a colon and the parenthesis over the number zero. 🙂 see?

I fucking came in here to write you guys a fucking suicide note. Made a special trip to get my drugs and everything. Then you guys go and fucking "validate" me. Shit. I guess one day I'll be thanking you for saving my life but today I just feel tired and sad beyond belief.

Oddly, just before I came to the site, I typed out something for my ex giving her the furniture, etc. along with proof of ownership.

Guys, I think I might need to go to a mental hospital or something but I'm scared that it will ruin my career. Isn't that funny? Like suicide won't ruin my career...Hey, you gotta laugh, you know.

I know I have promises to keep. It just frustrates me because if a dog was in this much pain it could be put down. Why can't I?

I'll be in touch, but please check in on me, okay? I really feel like I'm not gonna make it, but I'm still willing to try--at least for one more night.

I love you guys very very much.

Ren'ai

February 21, 2005
11:18 pm
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Just want you guys to know that I emailed my sisters and asked them to help me look into in-patient treatment. I think it might be time.

Please don't worry about me, okay?

I love you,

Ren'ai

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