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Ren'ai or social worker HELP
April 6, 2005
3:52 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

Jigs is asking about the doctor appt tomorrow. What do I tell her. How much do I tell her? I need help here please.

April 6, 2005
4:32 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

Ok, I backpeddaled and redirected and got out of what I started. WHEW!

BUT, I would still like to know for my own mind so if it were to ever come up again I would know.

What exactly do I say when a child has the doctor appointment. How much do I tell and explain to a child.

I hate not being prepared when things come up.

April 6, 2005
4:47 pm
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Anonymous
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What is the doctor's appointment for? Are they going to examine her for signs of sexual abuse?

Ren'ai

April 6, 2005
5:05 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Yes, Ren'ai, they are going to examine her to see if grampa did damage when he molested her. She has never told us to what extent but I'm thinkin if they have to check for damage it was all the way right? Oh, God I hope not, but am I wrong or right? Anyway, she asked about the doctor's appointment and I quicky found out she didn't know what a period is. So I backpeddalled and redirected and did ok.

So, even jurst for my mind.... can you walk me thru the process they do at the doctor visit?

I truly appreciate it. Thanks

April 6, 2005
5:06 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I have to sign off, but will be back in appx 20 min. Sorry.

April 6, 2005
5:09 pm
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Anonymous
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Okay,

I went and read the thread.

In most cases, a doctor won't push to examine a child's genitals if there is any discomfort about it because it can be just like an incident of sexual abuse if the child feels forced or coerced into compliance. Sometimes it takes several doctor's visits to complete an examination. Also, unless there was some pretty severe damage, or the abuse was pretty recent, the doctor is not likely to find anything. These soft tissues heal very quickly and scarring can be hard to see if it isn't pretty bad.

It is likely that they are going to go by what she is saying rather than any forensics--unless the abuse was very recent.

It might be good to let her know that she doesn't have to go through a complete examination right away. She can talk to the doctor about how she is feeling and ask for time, or for someone special to be there to support her.

Have you ever thought about becoming a social worker? Seems like you might be a good one!

Love,

Ren'ai

April 6, 2005
5:17 pm
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Anonymous
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Well I guess I just missed you...

If there was penetration with the penis or performed oral sex on her they will probably try to test her for sexually transmitted diseases, yeast infections and the like. If it was digital penetration (with a finger) they might look for an infection but it is not likely they will find any scarring or other damage. If he penetrated her with an object, there is no telling--and I'm sorry--I know it's hard for you to read this and think of the possibilities but it does happen.

The doctor might just ask her some questions and then do a very minimal examination in order to postpone the more traumatic stuff if she needs more time to prepare. It all depends...

Mama, have you heard of "vicarious traumatization?" It is a term for trauma that you can experience in trying to help this child. I'm not in any way suggesting that you stop helping this little girl. She is bonded to you and any interference in that arena would likely be devastating for her at this point. I am, however, suggesting that you take special care of yourself so that you won't have any emotional problems as the result of what you are doing.

Love,

Ren'ai

April 6, 2005
5:42 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

Sorry, had to get dinner on before hubby gets home.

She has not said to what extent the molestation was, and we have not pressed her for it. I feel that's for the social worker and her. We are just a voice of reassurance to help her self-esteem and to strengthen her and support her thru this process.

After I lost the main use of my hands and bilateral arms I did check into becoming a counselor or social worker. My hubby was totally against it, but I tried to pursue it. Would you believe I could not find a college that would let me attend. Which I appreciate them being up front with me instead of just taking my money. They did not feel I could complete the course even w/ the taping of classes and the dragonwritter for the computer. But then it was all new software and there were problems with it.

Thinking back it is just as well because I had a very hard time with the things I had to read about at the law office. The things that happen to children. I have to admit I did take them to heart then.

No, I have not heard of "vicarious traumatization". I feel I am doing ok. I give Jigs to God and I am detaching as I need to.

Oh, my, I have just had five 11 year olds show up to do crafts. I'm sorry but for now I must go and make sure my house is not trashed. AAHHH! I LOVE when the kids all come over. Such special times.

Will talk later.

April 6, 2005
6:35 pm
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lol!

Hang in there!

Love,

Ren'ai

April 7, 2005
1:17 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

I survived. The girls were great. I'm glad they all pooled their money and went to the grocery. My goodness, cookies, ho hos strawberry pop. After eating they decided tey all wanted to go to Zack's house. It's just across the street from us. Rule: You stay outside. I had a blast

April 7, 2005
10:05 am
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sounds like fun mamaC!

thanks ren'ai for info

you are the best!

love, bonita

April 7, 2005
10:24 am
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mamacinnamon
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Good AM Bonita. Hope you are well today.

April 7, 2005
10:29 am
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MamaC,

Do you know how old she is?

Ren'ai

PS: Hi Bonita! I gotta tell you I freaked out a little bit the first time I saw your name--it's a long story--but have been following your posts and you have been a wonderful addition to the site!

Love to both of you,

Ren'ai

April 7, 2005
11:29 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ren'ai:

Jigs is 10. She has her doc appt today. Did have a nurse explain to me last night that if she is uncomfortable that they will not force her to go thru the whole test and that at the children's hospital here they will take as many as 3 or 4 visits before completing the whole test coz they don't want the child to relive or freak.

I am interested in any info you can give me. This beautiful little girl has got me thinkin and only for purposes of helping others I would like to learn what I can.

Also, a friend's 14 year old was being looked at by her stepfather a year ago and I went to counseling w/ her coz we are close, but I didn't know enough to have suggested a doc's appt. The child did say he only looked tho, so most likely not warranted.

I'll be here a bit; got my leg stuck in the pump. 🙁

April 8, 2005
11:47 am
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Hey MamaC,

I missed your post yesterday. I had to go to my therapy appointment!

This might be hard to read, so take your time, and be careful.

I'm not too sure what else I can offer you. Regarding the 14 year old, she probably only disclosed the "tip of the iceberg." This is typical with abuse victims. Most of what I know of my clients, and I'm talking about kids I've worked with for a year or longer, have only disclosed the tip of the iceberg after months and months in therapy.

Sometimes they don't remember everything. Sometimes they feel too ashamed to disclose everything. There are some very sensitive issues connected to sexual abuse.

Not all incidents of sexual abuse are violent rapes where the victims are physically injured. Sometimes a perpetrator will make the experience physically pleasant for the victim. They might be very gentle, pretend to be very caring, and after time, a child might actually believe they are "in love" and/or that the perp. loves them. Their bodies will react the way all our bodies do. It is the way we are built physically. So it can be very confusing to a victim to understand that what happened to them was bad if they felt good. Many victims will climax. Some will "cooperate" with the perpetrator. This is why children of a certain age cannot legally consent to sex acts. It's also why, if there is a discrepancy in age (in this state its 4 years) and the child is under the age of 14 there can be no consent.

I hope this sheds some light on things for you. I'll keep bringing information forth as I think of it.

Love,

Ren'ai

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