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Redblonde (only please) from survivorofabuse
October 21, 2007
9:53 am
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I feel I should add here to you, before I go, that I felt you were referring to me cause right before you mentioned your sister, you were talking bout what had just happened and bout people who think like me,like you kept referring to me as here, along with your cheerleader free, how paranoid I was, it was def Tongue in cheek and we both know it...YOu also slammed me and let everyone else off the hook, cause they are your friends here and I was someone you did not like, cause frankly, I am too negative, and I can see tongue in cheek and I was not born yesterday...I know...But honestly, I am over it, I am moving on here and I am not a predator as you and your cheerleader like me make me out to be..I know I could of been nicer to free..I could of just not said anything but what she said to me triggered me badly, to a very bad point in fact...my sister used to tell me to check into a mental ward cause of my accusations of sexual abuse from a uncle, she acts and thinks just like free..so it was a Huge trigger and I do not go around using all caps, gettting people to come to my rescue here, in fact that is not something I have ocntrol over and I think people have by now, I will apoloize to you for my anger, but not my message...I felt I had rights here, but honesltly I do not feel safe enough to stick around and use them, cause frankly now, this place scares me...so I just wantd to speak my peace to you, I am over it, hope you too can move on, it would be best for everyone here if we just did that, but I had to come back and respond and apolize for my part, I should of never felt triggered and responsed that way, and felt hurt, that was wrong of me, sorry.

October 21, 2007
3:23 pm
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And for the record...so that everyone knows here, cause I see alot of assumptions on my sincerity level here and some calling this a game or whatever here, I was fucking hurt beyond belief as a child, I have come here for HELP and that was my only intention to come and find others who could relate and help and i help them...and I see now it really is better to just leave, it really is...now, I can say I am gone...finally.

October 21, 2007
4:59 pm
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I will return.

October 21, 2007
7:46 pm
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red blonde
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Survivor ~

I took offense because I was not in ANY way comparing you to my sister. Bevdee mentioned her cousin and asked me about my sister. Obviously, you read something personally directed at in that post. NONE WAS INTENDED. I have never been nor ever intend to be backstabbing.

And the hair comment and looking 30 years younger....the same. NONE OF IT WAS INTENDED.

Yes, I DO feel that you are bitter, resentful, and very negative. You jump on a thread...say something and if no one else agrees with you ... you get all pissy about it. Accusing them of ganging up on you and belonging to a clique that hates you.

I DO NOT HATE YOU!

I feel sorry for you, because you are not listening nor are you working on any of your issues. I wish that you could work through your bitterness and resentment and your feelings that others are out to get you. I certainly wasn't. But you take everything as a slight or a personal attack....AND THAT IS NOT GOOD and NO, I DO NOT THINK THAT IS RIGHT.

If you want me to help you, then ask for my help or advice or just talk to me as a civilized person. I am many years your senior and that deserves respect.

I don't have a malicious bone in my body and I don't go around intentionally hurting someone. If I can not say something that you will get upset about and think that I am attacking you....that is YOUR problem. But please do not accuse me of doing something that I did not do nor even intended....

I was VERY CONCERNED about Horsefly...She was acting very out of character....and I was worried that she may even have done harm to herself. But the thread I created was turned in to a barroom brawl and I was extremely upset about that!

If you want to talk - without accusing me or without thinking I am accusing you of something or without thinking I am talking behind your back or with out thinking I am making fun of you. Let's call a truce and talk...I will help you if I am able to.

I am not the 'Bitch' that you are making me out to be. I am a very caring and very loving person.

October 21, 2007
8:17 pm
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I took offense because I was not in ANY way comparing you to my sister. Bevdee mentioned her cousin and asked me about my sister. Obviously, you read something personally directed at in that post. NONE WAS INTENDED. I have never been nor ever intend to be backstabbing.

(it sure did seem that way to me, maybe I did assume wrong, for that I am sorry, I thought you were talking bout me, I have been referred on here as being paranoid, and I just made the connection, cause it was not even five mins later, that was said here and then you started spekaing of your sister...I have a brother who is paranoid schziod, I know all bout that, nelieve me, more than i wish I knew...)

And the hair comment and looking 30 years younger....the same. NONE OF IT WAS INTENDED.

(again the timing sure was lousy here, cause you were calling me bitteer and resentful and then the next thing I knew, you were saying how you were not negative and etc and that you look young for your age, just an concidence I guess here.)

Yes, I DO feel that you are bitter, resentful, and very negative. You jump on a thread...say something and if no one else agrees with you ... you get all pissy about it. Accusing them of ganging up on you and belonging to a clique that hates you.
( IMO opinion that does happen here and I do believe that has happened alot, I seen it, experienced it too here, that is not in my mind, I do know that)

I DO NOT HATE YOU!
( I do not hate you either, I really do not even know you well enogh to say I hate you, I do hate some people in this world, and yes i know that makes me on negative bitch, oh well, I do hate my abusers who hurt me in life, and I do not personally believe in forgiveness or happy thoughts or prayer or what have you...I know that makes me rare or whatever here, but that is my reality...and I do not expect anyone to understand that either.)

I feel sorry for you, because you are not listening nor are you working on any of your issues. I wish that you could work through your bitterness and resentment and your feelings that others are out to get you. I certainly wasn't. But you take everything as a slight or a personal attack....AND THAT IS NOT GOOD and NO, I DO NOT THINK THAT IS RIGHT.
( well what can I say, it feels that way to me, I dont think i am the only person here who feels this way and gets upset easily, I see alot of that here, i am no exception, and yet i seem to have gotten singled out for some reason here...as far as working on my problems, Well I do and have been for a decade or so, just ask ladeska, she knows how hard i had struggeld and you know what? I come far, very far...I am proud of my accomplishments...I do know I have ALOT of issues, that is why I am here, I am like eveyone else here, I am here for a reason, and no this is NO GAME, far from it infact, this is my life, I bared my soul on here, I opened up so much and that was not easy for me, not at all, and I have met some kind people here too, and I like to think that i did some good here, I know I had alot of positive feedback too, from many here as well, so don;t feel sorry for me,,,i need no ones pity.
)

If you want me to help you, then ask for my help or advice or just talk to me as a civilized person. I am many years your senior and that deserves respect.

I don't have a malicious bone in my body and I don't go around intentionally hurting someone. If I can not say something that you will get upset about and think that I am attacking you....that is YOUR problem. But please do not accuse me of doing something that I did not do nor even intended....

(Well this is where you BEGIN TO OFFEND Me here, i am not alone here, I am not the only one who has a problem with communication here, am I ?)

I was VERY CONCERNED about Horsefly...She was acting very out of character....and I was worried that she may even have done harm to herself. But the thread I created was turned in to a barroom brawl and I was extremely upset about that!

( i had issues with you on this, I was speaking to free on there and I felt I had a right to voice my concerm here, I mean that is between me and free here, not you and her and me and everyone else, but no it got to the point I was the bad one and everyone else just jumped on me, for crying out loud here, am I not allowed to voice My opinion here???)

If you want to talk - without accusing me or without thinking I am accusing you of something or without thinking I am talking behind your back or with out thinking I am making fun of you. Let's call a truce and talk...I will help you if I am able to.

I thihk a truce would be ok and i am ok, not in need of help here, But thanks for the offer anyhow...My isses were never really with you here but Free, and yet you seem to keep joiing up with her and i wish you let me and free have our own conversations, that is one reason why i created these threads, cause we really can't commuicate here, if there are 10 people in the converation here and it does get murky too...

I never really had any major issues with you, till you started inwith free adn then you two just kept making fun of me and slamming me, that hurt me, alot, I do apolize for my part here, I guess next time I start a convesration or try to talk to someone, i will go slower, as I said before, I had tried to reach out to you and befriend you, but felt very slighted and you told me that you do not respond to everyone and sometimes had nothing to say and i see that was my mistake here, I actually liked you from when i was just a lurker here, I thought we had ALOT in common with our issues, but I see now that does not necesairy mean we should be friends, I see that, and I Learned the hard way here too.

I do wish you well, I am not hurt anymore, I am glad you posted back to me, I will consider what you said here, I wlil look at myself and try to evealuate myself and my actions here, I know i was not innocent either, I too had actly badly, like you, so I do admit my part here and I will apolize once more here and I wish you well, I really do, i do not say that, when i say that i mean that from my heart, caues i know you too suffer alot as well, be well, SOA

I am not the 'Bitch' that you are making me out to be. I am a very caring and very loving person.

October 21, 2007
8:23 pm
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red blonde
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Survivor ~

However, if you do not wish to call a truce or whatever...so be it!

I am not your abuser or tormentor.

And if you continue to throw my name around on this site again in any derogatory, mean and spiteful way. I will definitely defend myself and I will stand up for myself. Because I will fight against injustice for anyone.

You see, I am learning from this site on how to deal with long term effects of my abusers.

October 21, 2007
8:27 pm
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I did call a truce, did I not??? I sure did, please go back and reread it. I too will defend myself as well, hopefully we can get pass this and not go there, I know I will steer clear of you for now on, okay??? I too, am learning how to deal with my effects as well, so is everyone else, that is what this site is for, peace to you red blonde

October 21, 2007
8:39 pm
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red blonde
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Survivor

We must have cross posted.

Do not jump on me for saying this, but I was hurt by you when you 'attacked' me and called me 'insincere' on a thread on 10/10 when I voiced my opinion that no one should tell someone that they should 'watch out' for some of the posters on this site. I sloughed it off though. I intentionally would stay away from the threads that posters were bickering on. I was appalled when it happened on my thread inquiring about Horsefly, and I only posted on that thread well after it became a warzone.

But I have taken offense as well to some of your comments about me. Free is not my 'cheerleader'...Free is free to choose to voice an opinion the same as I, the same as you are.

October 21, 2007
8:46 pm
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Free is a whole other matter IMO, so lets leave her out of this please. I have said i am sorry for how i have acted to you here, I am sorry for that, I get very defenseive when hurt and I need to learn how not to be, I am learning, slowly, but surely here.

I will be sure to not post on your threads anymore, that way I will not offend you here, I did not set out to offend anyone, but I do, that is another reason I am here, to help figure out my problems in life, so please do not worry our paths should not cross again, and I think it be best if they didn't here too.

Free can certainly say whatever she wants too, by that same token so can anyone else here too, including me...but honestly I want peace and I think its best for us to coexist and yes, a truce is indeed the best route to go, could not agree more here with you redblonde...be well.

October 21, 2007
8:49 pm
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I am sorry that this did happen, I am sorry for my part in this whole mess here, I wish it never had happened now, I do not know what more to say, i mean that sincerely, from my heart, I do...((((PEACE)))))

Have a good nite Redblonde.

October 21, 2007
8:53 pm
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red blonde
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Survivor ~

You do not have to steer clear of me...I was just angry and hurt. I will try to say things that do not upset you or make you feel attacked if I can...but I don't always say the correct thing though I mean well...sometimes I say a word that people can take different ways. If you are offended by a word or the content of something...please ask me to describe what I trying to say. OKAY?

I am not going to walk on eggshells on this site, watching everything that I say...again you are 42, I am 59...the lingo may not be the same.

I really AM a very nice person.

October 21, 2007
9:01 pm
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red blonde
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Survivor

Please - before you think anyone on this site is out to get you or ganging up on you - ask them what they meant...okay. Sometimes because part of my abuse for 57 years was being blamed and punished severely for things that I never said and that I never did...so it is a very open wound still... Hell, I don't even really know how to play with people even in the real world...I had been isolated as a child from other children (except sister) and she didn't play very nice with me. And because my abuser would take me to school and pick me up...with brusies and welts and broken limbs at times...the other school kids called me names and would not play with me unless 'forced' to...so I know where you are coming from.

October 21, 2007
9:06 pm
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I always thought you were Redblonde, that is why i sought you out, had tried to talk to you, cause i seen that you are interesting and then it went down hill from there, but do not worry your not the first person and i sadly your not the last, that I will not get along with, I have some serious issues, and its only been maybe a few years that i really faced what my abuse did to me, cause for a long long time, I did not think I was abused, I thought my life was very normal, when my mom and my sister fought with me, I always thought it was me...for sooo long, it was not till bout maybe 10 years or so that I met someone who had helped me, made me see alot of things I had hated to see, it was awful cause I thought only others were abused in life,not me and that only happened to others, that i was too smart and too good and blah bla blah, it sure did end my world, I lost parents, and siblings and all my childhood friends and relatives, cause of what I had found out, its like a huge death, I am even scared to go back to my home where i grew up, but I did not mean to go here and give my whole life story, but i just wanted to say to you, I understand here, ALOT in fact, this is what happens to us, when we are abused, these are the effects, this is why our abusers get off and never even answer for it in life, cause we take the effects of that abuse and think we are bad, when we in fact were just hurting...Yes, hurt people do hurt, I do now agree with that atatement now, I do...sadly so..please be well, i am going to bed now, I got fibro and its flaring up, so off I go, thank you for talking to me too:O (((good nite)))

October 21, 2007
9:20 pm
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the other school kids called me names and would not play with me unless 'forced' to...so I know where you are coming from.
---------------------------------
i think that does something to a person, I know I had those experiences, was alone all my life for the most part, now i just sorta of like it that way, its less troule and frienships for me, never worked out very well, so I stick to my own family and the internet for the most part...

I am sorry redblonde that that had happened to you, its horrible what happens in the world...((safe hugs to you))) realy gotta go to bed now, I get alot of burning pain at night in my old bones...and sleep helps, thank you again:)

October 21, 2007
9:32 pm
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red blonde
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I have fibro as well in my shoulder. I have to work it out though because nothing else has really helped. Mine comes from stress mostly now. And oddly...when it is hot and humid out. I get knots under my shoulderblade..and alot of my relief comes from - don't laugh - putting two golf balls in a sock and laying on the floor so that I can massage the golf balls deeply into the knots...it hurts like hell...but for me it works.

October 21, 2007
9:34 pm
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Thanks redblonde...maybe i should try that, glad it works for you:)

((Nite))

October 21, 2007
9:43 pm
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red blonde
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((NITE))

sleep well and I mean that sincerely!

October 21, 2007
9:46 pm
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Logging off now...

I know you do redblonde, I can tell you are sincere here, hope you sleep well too here...nite:)

October 21, 2007
9:50 pm
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((((((Survivor and Red Blonde))))))

October 21, 2007
9:52 pm
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red blonde
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Thank you, GG!

October 21, 2007
10:09 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Red Blonde

What GG said! (((Survivor and Red BLonde)))

October 21, 2007
10:33 pm
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red blonde
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And thank you, Bevdee!

KEEP THE HUGS COMING - PEOPLES! I love hugs...never got them that much....but love it when I do! And I hope Survivor does as well!

October 21, 2007
10:33 pm
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(((Survivor and Red Blonde)))

Peace all...SINCERELY...

October 21, 2007
10:51 pm
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red blonde
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Thank you, Mich!

((((((GG)))))))

((((BEVDEE)))))

(((((MICH))))))

I am sure that Survivor will thank you as well. I can only speak for myself and thank you all.

And here is one for you.
(((((Survivor)))))

and

((((((EVERYONE!)))))))

October 21, 2007
10:57 pm
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Red,

I know that Survivor asked this thread only be for her and you....but I think that things have calmed down enough for me to say this here...

If I have offended you in any way.....I want to apologize. If that happens...please call me on it. I am learning, and my heart is hurting like everyone elses here. But, to know what it is that I am doing to hurt people at times like this, is the only way to grow.

I think sometimes we need to remember that is what we are here for...and growth can come from stuff like this. I believe that with my whole heart.

((((((((((((Red)))))))))))))

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