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Reactions to abuse from an victims point of view...
October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
have been "noticing" something in my real world life that has me
greatly concerned lately. Basically, i have been hearing the other
side of what others say bout victims of sexual abuse and its
upsetting me alot lately. I am hearing, oh she lies, she is lazy,
she makes up wild stories, she is spoiled, the list goes on and on
and it has me concerned alot. I heard all these things my entire
life and esp now since I came out to my famiy, about one person, it
was way more, but i tested the waters with one person, an uncle who
was on drugs and sold them as well. This of course was always
hidden knowledge from me, but i remember his pot stash. I remember
how he frenched kissed my cousin when she was 16 in front of us
when she asked him what the pot was for... now i see what it was,
he used sexed to shut her up, but i had my own memories of this man
when I was about 3 or so... I remember very well now...and of
course my dad told me, when I was speaking to them all, that sure
did not last surprisingly, he said, about that sexual abuse, you
know that nothing ever happened to you, but he went on to tell me
he was a victim and he knew how it felt. i sat there numb and in
disbelif, I never looked at him, my dad...the same way again, he
began even more of stranger to me that day, more than ever before.
I got away from my crazy family but i have friends who have family
where the child is being accussed of being a liar, the child is in
mental hospital who is trying to kill herself, the more I hear the
more i now believe this girl has little chance in life, she is
surrounded by family who want to demonize her and make her the bad
one.. i see things now very very clearly and now what I had learned
long ago from a very wise friend, who i still love very much, is
now coming to light! I am seeing what she talked bout and it kiling
me inside.. for one, i do not know how long i listen to how bad
this girl is, and the sad thing is that her dad who she accused is
on my fb list of friends...he is my best friends brother who
friended me. I see how they have no pics of her on fb, all of her
brother, and i see and also visted his wifes profile... gosh i am
learning too much here, i am sick inside... I would bet my life he
did it, but i can not say that to my best friend, she is also in
denial... it killing me, i am beginning to see so much here!!! too
much, please help me!

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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He
sends me alot of instant messages and seems to want to be my
friend, i barely know him, my friend told me that him being accused
of raping his daughter has made him very sick and he has recently
been in the hospital, I do not want to be mean here, but I can not
for some reason believe this, everything in my gut tells me he has
done this to her... and yet he talks very nice to me, has even
asked me and my husband to come to their home for dinner, which I
declined, for one i barely know him and my husband and him have
nothing in common at all... so...my best friend tells me that he is
in need of a friend, I really do not want to be that friend...she
feels since I been hurt this way i might be able to help him, i
don"t want to help him, I believe she is just not able to see the
truth and I do not want to hurt her and tell her what I really
think!

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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crystalwaters
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It's
not your responsibility to help this guy. I'd stay far away and
delete him from your Facebook. I understand that this might hurt
your friend, and perhaps greatly change the relationship you and
she have. But you sound like you're in a real period of
introspection and self-discovery right now, much like I am -- and I
believe that now is the time to nurture ourselves and surround
ourselves with safe people, and accused child molesters are not
safe people.

Those are my
thoughts...

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thank
you crystalwaters....I am just going to be very busy and not answer
the pokes and ims...I did not always answer them but I want to
answer less and less...she really believes her brother to be the
real victim! Her niece is in a menta ward...cuts herself and has
also tried to kill herself...she said her dad did things and her
mom KNEW and stood by and did nothing...she then changed her
story...I believe out of being guilted and then she just lost
it...I seen how her mom and dad act...it feels icky inside to me,
kinda familiar.. But bf is all I have...has been a true friend when
everyone else left me...:(

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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And
it also is just telling to me some of the things I read on their
sites...esp no pics of her, but her brother is pasted
everywhere...and the cats and dogs...but she is nowhere... Its that
and so much more...I feel horrible for this girl, all she has is
the staff at the mental ward...doean't sound good to
me:(

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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BFG:
This has not been my experience. I was molested as a child but when
I told my parents believed me and I was removed from the situation.
No charges were ever pressed but my abuser did finally admit to me
that he did it.

It isn't something
I talk about in my everyday life and very few people who know me
know it happened. The few I have told believed me.

I have also talked
about it in therapy a few times. I know you don't want to hear what
I am about to say but I think you need to forgive your abusers.
Don't forgive them for THEM. Forgive them for YOU. Hatred is like
poison that you drink every day and expect the other person to
die...I read that today somewhere.

When I am telling
you to forgive. I don't mean that you have to go back for an extra
helping of their shit. You don't ever have to speak to them again.
You can even sit back and smile when somthing bad happens to them
but this is no longer about them it is about YOU and what is best
for YOU.

You can just start
with my favorite mantra:

Every day in every
way I am getting better and better...eventually you will believe it
and suddenly you will realize that while you may not be whole (I'm
not) you will start to feel better about yourself.

hugs to
you.

Bitsy

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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Oh
and by the way. The hard and fast rule I live by is my feelings. If
I am around someone and they make my skin crawl I figure there is a
reason.

Bitsy

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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yeah,
i agree with pretty much everyone, it is not your responisbilty to
befriend someone you dont trust. i made a move about a month ago, i
went from like 100 facebook friends to 39. the reason why is
because those people were spreading rumors about me, i got wind of
it. i was told that i shouldnt be upset, and to just put up with
it, i didnt listen to them, i deleted everyone, and i dont plan on
seeing them ever again, you seem to not want to offend this person,
soley for your other friends sake, but if that person was a true
friend they would understand, you dont have to be offensive, but in
my opinion not answering is, you should just leave him a message
saying "listen, i apologize but i am not looking for friendship
right now, i am going through some personal issues and i am not
talking to anyone, dont take it personally" or something along that
line

its not a total
lie really, and you get rid of him. and i like what bitsy said, i
always say the only thing you have to do in life is make sure you
are happy, if you arent happy, then you are living life
wrong.

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks bitsy...I have moved on, I am in a good
place...considering it all...I am ok;) forgiveness has a different
meaning for me...kind of like, I won't have revenge for
you...someone once who was very wise said this...I now am in that
place...I know you mean well, I see you have also suffered much as
well...hugs to you:)

October 27, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Good
idea Z....maybe to just not post or update my status might be best
and maybe he will move onto someone who buys it...I am not buying
it...know way too much to buy it, hugs to you as well and thanks
again for your support!

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
also do not make it a habit to talk to other men that much...I am
married and I had posted that I am very happily married but I also
try to help people and post things I think might help people...some
people may read a little too much into that...

October 27, 2010
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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i
agree, i am a guy and i personally think its wrong to talk
privately to a married woman, or someone in a relationship, thats
like an unwritten rule where i am from, he should be trying to
befreind your husband, it is wierd that he goes to you. yeah, thats
wrong in my opinion, he shouldnt try to contact you like that, i
mean, it just seems rude, i would never talk to a girl privately if
she were in a relationship, unless i knew her before him, and i
would still let the guy know,

October 28, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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absolutely, my exact thoughts. He had used the poke feature on
fb...i never used it but i think its instant chat? not sure but it
was at 5 am! why do that at 5am let alone at all? I ignorned that
and now he just sends private messages to say hi and incinuates
that something is wrong, I know what is wrong! ugh, thankfully he
did not go into it, I don't want him too, cause I do not lie very
well and I do not think i could not lie in this case anyhow! I am
just going to be busy, FB is something I regret doing, but now I
have people on there who wonder where I am when I am gone, so i am
just going to taper off slowly and hopefully just leave, it feels
unsafe to me.

October 28, 2010
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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i
have said this before i shall say it again, delete them. and if
they ask you why you did just say "becaus everyone keeps annoying
me on it, your my friend in real life, stop bugging me, if you want
to oke me, drive to my damn house and poke me!" or something along
those lines lol. seriosuly like a dozen people asked me why i
deleted them, i told them "because we dont talk on facebook, so why
keep you there? if we want to talk we can do it in person" its only
a little lie. i only say this because it worked for me.

October 29, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
just blocked him...i doubt he will mention it to my friend who
really has no right to even ask why, i did tell her in in a round
about way that he posts alot ot me, a real lot, so maybe it will be
ok. I can't be 100 percent certain but I do highly suspect him,
from all that I know and from how he talks, the way his wife is,
the lack of pics of their own daughter, it just feels very FAMILIAR
to me!

October 29, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Hi
Bfg,

I have been
thinking about what you said on your first post to this thread. I
have to say that I have some mixed feelings.

Speaking for
myself, being a previous "victim" (I prefer now to think of myself
as a survivor...think of it, we have ALL survived a bunch of
crap!!), I guess I could say that I understand what you mean about
those who try to keep you down so that they don't have to face the
things that they have done. Denial helps them to do
that.

On the other hand,
many abusers are also "victims". Many of them abuse because they
were victims. I am not saying all, but a good number of them. I am
not saying that this is right, but this is how life is.

Unless certain
people can get themselves to a place of healing, they are going to
repeat the pattern since that is all that they know.

I am not making
excuses for them, but I guess I am looking at it from a different
perspective. I just finished taking a "Victims" class for my grad
school program, and many people do not think of prison inmates as
"victims", saying they got what they deserved. But then we had to
study a case about a prisoner who had been abused as a child, and
did not resolve this, and he went on to hurt someone else (the
reason he was in prison). When he got to prison, the sounds and the
constant yelling caused him to have flashbacks and nightmares, and
PTSD.

It was not an easy
case to study. You could see both sides of it. Had he gotten the
help he needed when he was young would he have still hurt someone?
How many of us suffer for most of our lives, inside, before we are
able to speak up and say, "this was done to me" ?

I guess my
perspective is that I do not make a habit of going back, I would
rather go forward, so I don't spend too much time thinking about my
past. I don't forget what happened to me, so that way I don't risk
setting myself up to be a victim again.

I don't have much
contact with my abusers, well, the ones who inflicted the most
abuse on me. There is one that I do have more contact with, but I
try to be in control of how much contact I will have, and I
emotionally detach so that I don't have the hurt feelings and pain
coming up again. It is not easy, but I don't like to spend time to
dwell on certain things.

The best I can do
for myself is just try to keep going forward. To be in charge of my
own life as much as I can. My future is mine to make. There is
nothing I can do to change my past.

As for FB, I have
nothing to do with it. I honestly don't have time for it, and I
value my privacy and anonimity. If someone really needs to know
what I am doing, they can shoot me an email or call me on the
phone.

My sister insists
on using FB, and has tried to talk me into joining it. She has an
email address, and we have the same cell phone provider, so our
calls to each other are free. So, we hardly talk. I am not going to
join FB just to stay in touch with her. I refuse to give in like
that.

My life is mine,
and I live it by my rules as much as I can.

As for this guy
that you deleted, good for you. He's not that important to you. No
use to spend any of your energy about him.

October 29, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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thank
you chinadoll for your post:) was nice to hear from you again, from
all the people i missed on here, your def one of them...so thanks!
I guess I feel differently at different times whether i feel like I
am am an survivor or a victim here, actually i feel like both
anymore, prolly does not make much sense sorry! when I hit a wall
in life, feel very depressed and see why i having such a hard time,
I often feel like a victim but when I am able to overcome things, I
feel like an survivor i suppose... youtr smart top stay away from
facebook, I feel as if I got into something that makes me feel
trapped now, just too many unhealthy personailtys on there causing
trouble, most on my list are ok, actually nice people that i hope
to see again one day, but all it takes is one... you are handling
your problems quite well i think and I am sorry you had all that
new stuff with no knowing what is going on, I could not imagine how
that is for you, but some, you are a strong person, that is for
sure... i am trying to pace myself, to not spend too much time
anywhere online because it affects my time with my family and what
needs to be done, been doing better in that area
lately:)

October 29, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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as
for the prisoner who was abused as a child, i am on the fence with
that one. for one, I could of turned out like that but i choose not
too, so have many others I had known too. Maybe its different for
men, since they are wired differently, its hard to say, but I think
it depends on what they did and if they kept doing it, i do believe
people should get a second chance after theraphy but how many...i
don't know. depends if it was cold blooded murder or someone who
stole something cause they were straving to death, you
know?

October 29, 2010
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good
to hear you are staying away from you abusers as much as possible,
i am a pretty forgiving person, I give people a million chances but
after a while, it does end, it has too or else you never heal and
your still an "victim" you know, and since I have a child i have to
protect her from my abusive family, she seen so much and never
liked them, ever, its sad I even had her exposed to them for the
couple years I did, but I really wanted to forgive or try too and
move on, thing is if people are not sorry and try not to chance
your going to get the same results, wishful thinking changes
nothing. stress from abuse causes health problems too, and the
cycle of abuse repeats if your child sees you being abused, they
think its ok to abuse you too.

October 30, 2010
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bevdee
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Chinadoll,

Thanks for sharing
your story about the prisoner. I agree with your perspective on
being a victim, and stepping away from it.

For me, it was
important to go there - to fully acknowledge the abuse that
traumatised me. To acknowledge my anger about it, instead of
denying it... so that I wouldn't be constantly re-traumatised by
memories, scents, sounds, etc. Then, to let it go.

Because I am so
afraid of people thinking I am whining (my family, is on the
surface,so very respectable), I wrote it out. I journaled because I
couldn't say it to anyone but my therapist, and I couldn't say it
coherently to her..

I journaled about
my childhood, I journaled about the abuse I was subjected to as an
adult by a very sick man, because I couldn't bear for anyone other
than the therapist to know the details of the sexual abuse. I would
not tell anyone in my home town about my family, because they had
some prominence in the community.

Attempting to make
sense of it, I re-read my journals over and over again for about
three years. Hard to say in retrospect, but I think I shouldn't
have done that. It kept my anger alive. It tore a scab off.
Sometimes it bled, sometimes it only oozed.

I spent too long
doing it. While I didn't horrify anyone with the details of my
adult abuse experience, or bust open a myth about my family, I was
a victim, and I saw it everywhere. I did not trust anyone, so
everyone was out to hurt me. It leaked out in my conversation, and
probably my facial expressions.

I could hear
myself, and didn't like it. At one point, people were politely
avoiding me, afraid of what to say. And honestly, I kind of avoided
myself. It was uncomfortable to be with me..

Then a relative
said to me "Don't you want to be more than a woman he whooped up
on?" That made me furious. This man, this redneck with no
counseling training, who had never had therapy, had never so much
as taken a psych course, who DID NOT KNOW MY PAIN, dared to
say that to me? For a long time, indignant in my self- righteous
pain. I searched my mind, trying to figure out what was in his past
that would qualify him to make such a remark to me. How dare he?
Why would he say that? Was he trying to hurt me?

No. He loved me.
He dared me with common sense and few words. About my mom he said,
"she cain't do that if you aint around"

It took about a
year, but I finally threw those journals away. I actually had them
in a file, and when I was packing to move out of state, I found
them. I looked at them, wondering if I really wanted to move them
over three state lines.

I didn't ritually
burn them, ceremoniously shred them, or take the trash bag
immediately out to the curb and dance around it. I just ... put
them in the trash bag, and put it out the next trash day. That was
part of letting go, forgiveness, moving forward. However you want
to say it. Once in Texas, I didn't tell anyone about it. In
throwing those journals away, I decided not to be only a woman
Lucifer had whooped up on.

I still have
contact with my mom's family. It's been sporadic, but as we all get
older, I want to see those that did not directly abuse or hurt me.
My only living grandparent, Gramma, is 92. (And by the way, she
still gets her hair done every week, and gets her pretty little
self dressed every day) Get -togethers are held at Mom's, but
centered around Grandma. So - that's where I go when I want to see
the whole family. It's a short visit, but I do get emails and texts
from everyone for a few weeks afterward, before they taper off, and
that's nice. Sometimes I am triggered by my mom and some of the
things she says, but I have learned enough in the last few years,
and have the ability to deal with the triggers, without it bringing
me down to the ground. I used to get killer migraines after I saw
her.

I related your
story about the prisoner to my mom. I think she and her sisters
were abused by her father, and if not, untreated or maltreated
mental conditions run rampant on his side of the family, and she
has definitely inherited those. Being far enough away from her gave
me the opportunity to heal, and finally, replace my anger with
compassion.

I don't know how I
would react if I saw Luc. I hope it never happens, but if it does,
I hope I have removed myself far enough from it that I won't fight
or flight. Either response would show him that he still has some
power over me.

October 30, 2010
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FULL
DISCLAIMER: THIS POST WILL MENTION RELIGION.

I know most of you
do not share my Christian views and that is fine but what I am
about to tell happened in a Women's Bible Study I am
taking.

I am currently
taking a Bible study class that is called Balance. In one of the
lessons we were sort of touching on why God let's bad things happen
to people. I mean really wouldn't a benevolent God make all of our
lives sunshine and roses?

One of the women
told of something that happened to her and how she was struggling
with it and a friend asked her if she had stopped to think that
(whatever was going on) wasn't about her but about the other
person.

In my own case my
being molested as a child wasn't about me. I was an innocent child.
It was about my half brother and his hatred of our mother and his
desire to hurt her. He is probably alive somewhere in the world
right now. I saw him in January of 2009 at our mothers funeral. I
didn't tell anyone who I was and he and I didn't speak. I am OK
with that. One of the last coherent conversations my dad and I had
was for him to make sure I never felt I owed H a thing.

Your mileage on
this story may vary. Take what you like and ignore the
rest.

Bitsy

October 30, 2010
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bevdee
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It's
human nature to want an explanation for everything, isn't it?
Different religions and philosophies attempt to explain it
differently.

Here is something
that happened to me yesterday. It;s not about molestation, bu you
might grin a little at this - because I think you know my opinions.
:~)

I was at the whole
foods store yesterday to get star anise for pear butter. Pears are
everywhere, I have to be careful when I go near the trees or I
could get a concussion!! I go to this store often to get good
spices and herbs, so I know the owner real well. I told her what I
needed this time, and her eyes narrowed and she asked me what was
going on. I needed herbs like chamomile to help me relax, and to
calm my digestive tract. I had never opened up to her. I always
went in with my list, exchanged pleasantries, and left.

I decided to go
for it. I told her a little of what's going on with me. Basically,
I have been working so much in the last 7 months - 60 or more hours
every week, driving 10 or more on top of that, and stressing over
new situations. I hate change.

That's all over
now, but I can't seem to calm down to sleep. I need to re-teach
myself how to relax. To slow down. Gathering pears, baking and
cooking is one way I'm trying to do it.

I told her that I
seem to be stuck in this cycle of stress, even though what I
perceived as crises are over. I've done what I set out to do, but
my adrenaline has kicked into overdrive, and I can't
relax.

Bitsy, she told me
to pray. Well, she doesnt' know!! She doesn't know me as Bevdee!!!
She shared some of her problems with me, how they affected her
physical and mental health, and that praying helped her. She told
me how to pray, and that she does it 10 or more times a
day.

Bitsy? Then she
told me she would pray for me. I stood there listening to her, and
thought about words. Words are an ineffectual way of conveying what
is in our hearts. Words are symbols we use to attach to thoughts
and feelings in an attempt to communicate. In the last few years, I
have come to realise that people, no matter what their philosophy
or theology, are pretty much saying the same thing. Prayer to me is
time out, meditation, focus. She was telling me that I needed to
slow down and focus, telling me in the only way she knew worked for
her. She was also telling me that I would be in her thoughts, and
she would send me her good earth energy, her good intentions, her
loving heart energy. And I was slapping my own words on them, so I
could accept her heart in the way she was offering it. I thanked
her and hugged her.

I don't know why
bad things happen to people. They just do.

Life just
is.

October 30, 2010
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...and how cool is that???

Bitsy

November 2, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Hi
bitsy... I think this guy is calling my home now...I got a few odd
calls, dr appts reminders from a psychiatrist for one, I looked up
the dr and he doesn't have a receptionist with the name of the
woman who called, he has ONE office! They said they never called
me...ever and esp not today... Just really odd calls from a
hospital here...I think he or someone he knows works there... Call
me crazy but I never been wrong about gut feelings about
people!

November 2, 2010
12:00 am
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September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I
think I would sever any way he had of contacting me even if that
includes changing your phone numbers. You know you can block
someone on facebook. I just recently found that feature. I've
always been a smartass when it came to prank phone calls. Before we
had caller ID and such I had my last two prank callers hang up on
me!

Hang in
there.

Bitsy

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