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Re-examining guideline tips... keeping it fresh
May 27, 2005
7:46 pm
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Recently I felt like I posted things that may or may not have been in the true spirit of the guidelines we are given. So I emailed the SC to see if there was a list of those tips that change every so often above the board. I find them helpful and needed a refresher. I will post them below for those interested... and there is a new one on the bottom...

May 27, 2005
7:49 pm
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T he All About Counseling Guidelines are Enforced because
these boards are a place to learn and use Healthy
Communication (rather than aggressive or passive
communication).

T hese boards were created, and are kept with the expressed intent for deep expression, getting various opinions, and personal growth. Therefore, some chit-chat is allowed, but frequent chit-chat needs to be conducted elsewhere on the internet.

T o make a better future for ourselves, and those we love,
we are wise to learn and teach assertive, honest,
meaningful, communication. That's what these boards are
for. Learn about yourself! Be brave! Be vulnerable. Be
honest! You're anonymous here!

B y chit-chat, we mean casual conversation. These boards
are expressly intended for deep expression, lively ideas,
and active personal growth. Some chit-chat is allowed, but
these boards aren't chat-rooms or public email. Too much
chatter can hinder All About Counseling's expressed intent
for these boards.

T hread Titles *please* create them very thoughtfully. IE:
If you create a thread title for a specific person's issue,
please add the "issue/problem" after their nickname. For
example: desertmine Needs Marriage Advice. If you create a
thread just for fun, please create titles WITHOUT ANY
NICKNAMES.

By respect, we mean, speak as you wish to be spoken to. Do
you want to be Made fun of? Talked down to? Talked to in
a mean tone? Then don't do it to others here. These are
forms of aggressive communication. Passive aggressivecommunication is also frowned upon on these boards. If
someone is doing this, please confront them. Be open,
direct, and honest. Don't hide behind words or
technicalities! Say it don't spray it!

B y support, we mean, give encouragement. Reflect back to
the poster the hurt feelings we are hearing. If you've been
there yourself, tell them your story - let them know they
are not alone.

B y feedback, we mean that it benefits everyone if we point
out hidden feelings or opportunities we think the poster
might be "missing". Do you hear resentment? Anger? A
hidden agenda or manipulation going on in their posts?
Contradictions? Do they give feedback to others that they
themselves don't use? Let Them Know! Straight up, honest,
in a supportive and respectful manner (that's assertive
communication)!

C ould someone benefit from some reading or learning? Give
links or paste information that might truly help! That's a
part of feedback.

B y attack, we mean writing things that make fun of, shame,
humiliate, belittle, or put-down someone. Statements like:
you're lazy, get off your ass. Quit your whining and
crying. Grow up. You're a fool. You're a creep. You suck.
You don't know what you're talking about.

B y defense, we mean you feel attacked. Do you feel
attacked? Watch out if you do, because here's what you'll
likely do: defend yourself or attack back. And neither is
allowed. But if you do feel you've been attacked, you may
use assertive communication (not aggressive communication!) to state that you feel attacked, and give the attacker some feedback about their post. Tell them a story about how their post made you feel. Ask them why they attacked you.

Wait for an answer. Don't keep posting. Just wait.

B y passive, we mean keep the status-quo by either not
stating your viewpoints, or "stuffing" your viewpoints.
Passiveness is "action" by not responding or initiating an
action in return. Ignoring questions, constant cheerfulness
which is many times used to hide or sublimate feelings for
fear of objection or resistance.

S tarting new threads to continue a disagreement is either
an attack or a defense. Instead, talk *assertively* and
only on the thread (one thread) that involves the
disagreement or confrontation. Thank you.

S tarting new threads with those you are in
conflict/disagreement with or using catch phrases in thread
titles to draw attention to a person you are in conflict
with is a method of attack. Instead, talk assertively on
the thread in question.

S tarting new threads for the purpose of belittling,
proving a point, ganging up attention, etc is a method of
attack (please, honestly assess what your purpose is). Keep
discussions on the same thread so others can follow the
communication and offer objective viewpoints. Starting new
threads to continue disagreements inflames the situation!
That's not what these boards are for!

P ulling up old threads to prove a point about someone
else, or to prove a point about yourself is considered
either an attack or defense. We're not here to prove or
inflame anything. It's not a courtroom. You, and only you,
are the only person who ever needs to be "convinced" on
these boards. Doing this also creates distraction for
others badly in need of help. People CAN change, so let's
HELP them change rather than dredging up old words here.
Just listening can help a lot sometimes. Let them know
you're reading.

W hen titling threads: Please do not use more than 1
nickname in a thread title. If a thread is specifically for
a *particular* person's issues (not chatting issues), and
working on that person's issues, then you may use *a*
nickname in the thread title - so long as you also type a
key word in the threadname regarding what their
'issue/problem' is as well. Don't just type a nickname as a
title! Thanks!

A loof responses can be taken as an attack (passive
aggression), things like: "Go read the guidelines," or,
"Just ignore him, he'll go away." Instead, find out why the
person is here. REALLY find out, don't just ask once or
twice. We're all hurting in some way, and our behavior can
be nasty when we're hurting. Can't it?

Y ELLING! Is the use of all capitol letters to SCREAM AT
PEOPLE! Sometimes all capitol letters are useful, so long
as they aren't used to yell.

F oul language that is directed at individuals is an
attack. Sometimes a 4-letter word says a mouthful, and
that's okay, so long as it's not directed directly at
someone here on the boards.

A ssertive communication involves active listening,
feedback, respect, and boundaries. Click
here for on-line info regarding assertive communication

B y one nickname, we mean that once you fill out the form
where you chose a nickname, that's it. That's your
permanent nickname. If you absolutely must change your
nickname you must first receive permission from the Site
Coordinator

P lease, try not to preach on the Support Threads.
Preaching means using global or righteous statements about
known controversial topics (religion, abortion, etc) Or
using frequent attempts to bring about agreement with your
point of view, usually involving religious or moral topics.
If you do need or want a soap-box, the Liberation Brew
threads are a good place to hop-on!

B y judging, we mean jumping to conclusions about what
people are saying, or about people's character without
first finding out all of the details. Don't assume on these
boards, or you'll likely make the ass in assume look like
ASS. Prevent judging by using this simple technique:
directly ask the person what they mean in their post, then
WAIT for an answer.

B y advertising, we mean talking about unrelated services,
soliciting unrelated services, or making multiple
references to a related service.

B y problem, we mean reporting to the site coordinator in
e-mail, a nickname that is repeatedly attacking or using
aggression despite YOUR repeated attempts to engage them
and educate them on assertive communication.

N o e-mail exchanges - - ever. This rule is firm, and very
strict on these boards for very good reasons. Do not ever
list your e-mail address, I/M address, phone number, etc on
these boards. WE ALL BENEFIT FROM ANONYMITY HERE. PLEASE, DON'T GIVE IT UP TO ANYONE, HERE OR IN YOUR PERSONAL LIVES.

T hese discussions are for everyone. Creating threads with
more than 1 nickname in the thread title, is frowned upon.
Please ask others about this if you need more information
about that. If you create a thread to focus on someone in
particular, then you may use 1 nickname in the thread
title, but, please make the thread title SPECIFIC (include
the topic/reason for the thread, not JUST their nickname!).

And of note: everyone is allowed to post on every thread,
there are no exceptions.

S TAY ANONYMOUS! Not only maintain your anonymity here, but
don't let others in your personal life know you visit this
website. Why? Just ask others here who've had this
experience and the limitations this can pose on you.

M AINTAIN COMPLETE ANONYMITY HERE! If you tell your
personal family, friends, boyfriend or girlfriend... that
could lead to spoiling your freedom of expression here. Ask
others who've had this experience here.

S HHHHH!! Telling your boyfriend, girlfriend, or others
about this site can destroy your ability to speak freely
here! Ask others who've had this experience.

A NONMYITY of this site in your personal life, is your
responsibility. If you tell someone you know about this
site, expect your anonymity level, to go down. It could
seriously harm your ability to feel good about posting! Ask
others here who've had this experience.

T HE LIFEBLOOD OF THIS SITE, IS ANONYMITY! Telling people
we know about this site, can put ourselves in precarious
positions. If you want to vent and stay open on this
website, the best way is to stay 100% anonymous! That's
your responsibility.

M uch of the time, advice is "what we ask for when we
already know the answer, but wish we didn't". Is this true
for you? Other opinions and feedback are wise to ask, but
where does your best advice come from? Try not to look for
someone to disagree with your gut advice, you already know
the answer - - you just wish you didn't.

The Site Coordinator has a tough job making and enforcing
important decisions for this site. If you don't agree,
that's ok, but please take your disagreements directly to
the Site Coordinator in email. Showing disrespect or
disgruntled feelings on the board only make a nearly
impossible job of managing these threads even harder. Maybe there's information you're missing? Please, ask the Site Coordinator in email before "going-off" on these threads.

May 28, 2005
1:44 am
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angel4U
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thanks ella!

May 28, 2005
11:20 am
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exoticflower
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Thanks Ella...I wonder if this wouldn't be good to post on Support Threads as well? I know I wasn't venturing here until a couple of weeks ago, and I bet a lot of folks who would benefit from reading this only stay over there. Just a thought.

What was the new one, though? Was it about anyone being welcome to post on any thread?

May 28, 2005
6:13 pm
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exoticflower,

Yes, I'll try to move it. It takes some time because you can't cut and paste it all at once. Maybe tonight I will. I told SC I was putting it here. The reason being that I didn't want to start any controversial discussion the the support side. So do you think I should wait until Tuesday and okay it w/SC? Anyone? Granted she can always delete it, but she doesn't need that stress right now!

The newest guidline tip is the one on the bottom. I think it refers to emailing the SC about complaints.

-ella

May 28, 2005
9:26 pm
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exoticflower
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Wow, if guidlines and some basic structure is reason for conflict, it's no wonder theres stress on sc! I guess I hadn't even thjought about it in those terms, I was just thinking about all of the hostility as of late...

A lot to think about, there. I wonder now if she is right to doubt keeping the site--I would hate to see it go, but I'm begining to be able to imagine how overwhelming it must be.

May 30, 2005
3:10 am
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We will see what SC says when the weekend is over... I hope she comes back feeling a bit more refreshed and optimistic.

-ella

June 15, 2005
11:39 pm
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Just bringing this up again, as a companion to Juanita's thread in support of the SC in light of recent events.

-ella

June 16, 2005
12:34 am
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SoulSpirit
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A great idea... thanks!

December 22, 2005
10:41 am
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site coordinator
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Hi Everyone!

I heard there was a question about guidelines... and since that's my 'forte' on these discussion boards, thought I'd pop in šŸ™‚

Hope everyone is WELL & PEACEFUL, and focusing on THEMSELVES... šŸ™‚

-- on to business & why I pulled up this thread:

On May 27, mzrella posted all of the information that was ever written on the guidelines... and it states explicitly (I think it does?), that ignoring people, is NOT RECOMMENDED... to read those guidelines & tips, please pull up "all posts" from the link at the top of this page & read what she copied & pasted. She asked me to give her a list of all of the guideline tips, and those are them.

Please review those if there are questions.

Again, hoping everyone is enjoying life, love, peace, and inner personal growth - - through focusing on the inner peacefulness that IS ALWAYS inside of us, and ALWAYS accessible if we let ourselves access it...

Love, SC

December 22, 2005
10:48 am
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site coordinator
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I suppose the guidelines that most reflect the question, in "question", could be these:

T he All About Counseling Guidelines are Enforced because these boards are a place to learn and use Healthy Communication (rather than aggressive or passive communication).

B y passive, we mean keep the status-quo by either not stating your viewpoints, or "stuffing" your viewpoints. Passiveness is "action" by not responding or initiating an action in return. Ignoring questions, constant cheerfulness which is many times used to hide or sublimate feelings for fear of objection or resistance.

A loof responses can be taken as an attack (passive aggression), things like: "Go read the guidelines," or, "Just ignore him, he'll go away." Instead, find out why the person is here. REALLY find out, don't just ask once or twice. We're all hurting in some way, and our behavior can be nasty when we're hurting. Can't it?

December 22, 2005
12:49 pm
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eve
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Hugs to you, SC,

thanks for this, and have happy holydays!

December 22, 2005
6:17 pm
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(((Dear Site Coordinator)))

I have been having a problem with gazelle for sometime. She has been attacking and abusing me on several threads for sometime and I have been turning the other cheeck to her by ignoring her insults and attacks for the sake of peace!!!

I am a human being who has been severly abused and hurting in my life, I really Wish to keep my distance from her. I have been forgiving her for all her attacks ever since they started. However, for the sake of peace, I REALLY wish to keep her at arms length. I was not ignoring her post in the other thread in order to be rude, rather, I simply did not click into it because it was addressed in an unloving and unkind way, and as a peaceful person, I smiply did not respond because I am a loving and kind person and the thread seemed to be aggressive.

I firmly believe that one can disagree without being disagreeable!

These boards are created for love, support and encouragement. Since many of us here are hurting and have been abused, I really wish to surround myself with my cyber friends who share the same type of values as me of having a warm and loving communication with one another not the opposite.

Wishing you and your family the best of Holiday and Belssings this lovely season may bring!

~Love, Ras~

December 22, 2005
7:27 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Dear Site Coordinator)))

I have been having a problem with gazelle for sometime. She has been attacking and abusing me on several threads for sometime and I have been turning the other cheek to her by ignoring her insults and attacks for the sake of peace!!!

I am a human being who has been severely abused and hurting in my life, I really wish to keep my distance from her. I have been forgiving her for all her attacks ever since they started. However, for the sake of peace, I REALLY wish to keep her at arms length. I was not ignoring her post in the other thread in order to be rude, rather, I simply did not click into it because it was addressed in an unloving and unkind way, and as a peaceful person, I simply did not respond because I am a loving and kind person and the thread seemed to be aggressive.

I firmly believe that one can disagree without being disagreeable!

These boards are created for love, support and encouragement. Since many of us here are hurting and have been abused and I am one of those, I really wish to surround myself with my cyber friends who share the same type of values as me of having a warm and loving communication with one another not the opposite.

Wishing you and your family the best of Holiday and Blessings this lovely season may bring!

~Love, Ras~

December 22, 2005
11:20 pm
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Rasputin
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Sorry I was trying to spell check the post but it was not well-organized as I wished it to be. So, you may delete the 2nd post Site Coordinator!

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