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Question on self-love
April 23, 2006
12:18 pm
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garfield9547
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guest and guppy

On the food thing. That triggered a lot of things in me.

Whe4n I was in grade 11 my father turned the table on me bc I was not hungry. I came home late from school and ate. So when we had to eat I was not hungry.

I ran away. The best thing I ever did for myself.

Been in therapy for more than 2 years now. My father is a orphan in a way. His father died when he was 3 and his mother when he wa 16 years old.

My mother and father divorced after 36 years. They stayed in seperate rooms before the divorce.

My sister had to clean out my dad's room after he left. she found 3 half empty condensemilk cans in the room. Just like a kid. My father will never stop hoarding. My therapist said it's something you will never get out of them. He worked with it. So STRANGE.

It was DEVASTATING for me when my kids entered his room and said:

Oh Grtandpa, you have a tuckshop in your room. OHHHHHHHHHH

He had so many sweets in the cupboard it looked like a tuck shop.

Well, this is my story.

No wander I also suffered bulimia for 3 yeats althought they say its got to do with the relationship between the mother and daughter,

(((((Garfield)))))

This felt good. THANKS

April 23, 2006
3:28 pm
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gardielf, thanks for sharing, i'm glad it made you feel good to share!

April 23, 2006
6:06 pm
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Orange alert! emptyness, neediness, despair! argh!!!!

i should write these frigging things down in that Feelings log the books tell me to. I hate this.

April 23, 2006
6:26 pm
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its yellow now, but still empty. bah.

April 23, 2006
9:56 pm
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Anonymous
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garfield, isn't it amazing how food can become such an issue? the real problem is always obsession, fear of doing without , or control. but it is sad that it affects so many people.

((((garfield))))

April 23, 2006
9:59 pm
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Anonymous
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guest-are u lonely, sad, hungry, tired, or do u know what the excact feeling is?

my next question is are u bi-polar.
u seem to have extreme swings from highs to lows.

April 23, 2006
10:25 pm
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guppy i dont know if I am. but I also dont like these labels of bi-polar and stuff. It makes me feel disabled, as if its something that will never be fixed, you know? Feels like that to me. Maybe I'll ask my therapist what he thinks, if i'm biP or not.

at that time I was feeling lonely i guess and needy. I'm ok now, nuetral and content to be on my own. Oh i got this real cute song "morph the cat". get it if you can.

April 23, 2006
10:33 pm
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Anonymous
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being bi-polar does not mean u are disabled. it means u need the correct medication to control the mood swings. the correct medication would surely help u to control your anxiety levels. be honest with your therapist and tell him what u are feeling, or better yet write the feelings down and present it to him or her next time u see the counsler. i have friends who are bipolar and when they go off their meds they act alot they way u are describing. u already said u are taking remeron, correct? maybe u need to change the dozage or the medicine.

April 24, 2006
10:27 am
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i stopped taking Remeron, it still made me drowsy. I was having good sleep after I changed my pillow. Now I didnt sleep well last night, woke up early cause I think I slept early.

And when i'm feeling sleepy, most of the times when that happens, life seems a failure. ah. And then self-doubts, fear of failure in relationships and stuff. Anyway, dont wanna bore you.

but i'll ask the doc if I have bi-polar. I also like to think it in the cognitive way, I believe I feel down when I let the anxiety get to me and dont correct the thoughts. And I feel high when I'm feeling contented. So I dont like to think it in the bilogical way, I feel its just cognitive, atleast for me. This is what I'd like to believe and i hope thats the case.

I'm learning new things, like I realized that 80% of our contented-ness has to come from inside, without depending on external sources. The more I believe in this, the more I dont depend on external sources (like that girl or a new job) that much for happiness.

I hope I go to time on sleep tonight. I think 11pm is a nice time, I'll get about 8 hours if I do that. I guess I should watch Jay Leno, he comes on 10.30 my time and I like the first 30 minutes the best anyway.

April 24, 2006
11:29 am
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Anonymous
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guest-u should never stop taking your meds without contacting the doctor. just coming off the remeron so fast can cause u to have major mood swings as the med leaves your system. sounds like u are trying to mentally overcome a physical problem. ask the doctor.

April 24, 2006
11:55 am
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he told me i could skip taking them sometimes (but we didnt talk about doing it away with totally). honestly I dont see how it was helping me. yea i guess i'll talk to the doc tomorrow, got the meeting tomorrow.

April 24, 2006
6:20 pm
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Like a physical workout, if my biceps are weak and I cant lift a certain object, I can do bicep exercises, make those msucles strong and finaly be able to lift the object.

Why do such exercises not exist (or do they) for mental workouts? Since I havent exercised my muscles for knowing and responding to my feelings - why are there not simple routine exercises I can do?

Instead books have so many complicated long directions, all those self-help books. Why. Does anyone get me?

What kind of simple routine exercises could we do, to make our mental muscles stronger? I will ask the doc tomorrow too.

April 24, 2006
10:03 pm
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Anonymous
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guest-since u get all freaked out when u dont think u come across good to a woman u really like. practice talking to women that u dont really care what they think. u know, practice small talk. and watch what kinds of reactions u get from them. it's a good learning tool. just a suggestion anyway. 🙂

April 24, 2006
10:30 pm
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That would be practicing on the surface. If I can love myself and have a strong mind which can bring me out of negative states into positive ones, I can do anything. My superb confidence in myself would do all the things I needed and wanted to do.

April 24, 2006
11:03 pm
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Anonymous
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i meant practice conversation. the better u would get at it, the more it would boost your confidence. and then u wouldn't worry as much how u look to someone significant.

April 24, 2006
11:06 pm
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Anonymous
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the truth is guest, everybody has insecurities. the hard part is doing what u want to do anyway. the person who tells u they dont feel insecure sometimes is lieing to u and themselves. nobody feels all confident all the time. the person who makes it in life, feels the bad and proceeds anyway.imho.

April 24, 2006
11:15 pm
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with me, my problems in conversation are:

- my mind is blocked
- not a positive outlook
- sometimes a needy aura

Thats the biggest problems for me. I have to fix me to get those things right. When I'm strong enough to be positive no matter what, thats the ticket.

Sometimes i feel conversation is boring, I dont want to talk. Sometimes its really nice. thanks though! i dont want to work on the surface. Its not the right way for me, in my opinion. If I fix me inside, everything else will work out great by itself, you know?

April 24, 2006
11:22 pm
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Anonymous
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no guest, i dont know. the biggest thing that has ever helped me to grow has been the blessing of good friends who let me be needy, and listened to my bad moods, and when i was depressed they excepted me anyway and ended up making me laugh. i could not of done it on my own. but that is what worked for me.

u have your own way of doing it. what ever works for u , then do it. everybody is different. have u ever heard the remark, when u feel like crap just pretend u feel good till u actually believe it?????

April 24, 2006
11:49 pm
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Anonymous
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for example i am a nurse. i have given many a shot and started lots of iv's. stick one in me and i will pass out everytime. 🙂 i gave blood today for the very first time. when it was over, out i went. but at least i did it. ha ha and i fully intend to go back. i have fifty six days till i know i will probably pass out again but i will not back out!!!!

April 24, 2006
11:59 pm
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yea, fake it till you make it it. It doesnt work in my crappiest of moods. You're lucky you have friends, its hard for me. I lose out with a negative aura. I dont know. Its easier for girls, they're more social and guys are expected to be "tough" you know? Girls can express themselves without fear of being labelled anything guys would. Guys are just expected to be stronger mentally, which is not fair :(. anyway, thanks i'll keep trying and chugging.

April 25, 2006
12:06 am
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Anonymous
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do u realize u are talking to me guest and i like u pretty good? the only label i have for u is a friend. k? there is nothing u say or feel that would be wrong. i've already read alot of your threads so i know where u are coming from. so express your little heart out. go for it.....when ever u feel like it.

April 25, 2006
12:32 am
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Anonymous
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guest- i would rather know someone who has faults and all, than put up with someone who thinks they are god's gift. those people give me a migraine. do u understand? i would rather be a friend to someone who has problems and can admit it, than someone who has their head stuck up their butt. honestly.

April 25, 2006
9:27 am
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guppy if you talked to me in real life and were with me, you'd start feeling bored and empty. If there's just one person around me, my current natural reactions are to draw on their energy and be co-dependent.

Yea I'm working on it but right now I dont have any friends in real life. Hey it doesnt help too, to be a minority. I am one and I have practiaclly no one in my city to hang around with. I love Americans too and infact I like them more because they're mentally more healthy but um, I do nothing to improve in that area. I dont feel motivated to do it yet I complain when I dont have much of a social life, but hey its OK, you know, I just want a nice girlfriend thats all that would make me feel satisfied, I think.

April 25, 2006
5:12 pm
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Anonymous
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what do u mean by a minority. where are u from excactly? just curious...

April 25, 2006
7:27 pm
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well i'm from yonder, you know. heh. I dont feel comfortable saying where, but i am an athiest and humanist.

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