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Question for Seeker
February 2, 2006
10:22 am
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LostLilly
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My entire pre-married life, I was afraid of dating the more physically attractive women. I've felt I didn't stand a chance with them, with all the other guys that I believed must surely have been asking them out. So I gravitated toward the less attractive ones --
Seeker - Hi - I'm new here and I would really like to "pick you brain" about the below sentences you wrote in another thread (I hope I'm not breaking any rules by doing this). I have always done the same thing as you - except that I'm a woman. I find myself marrying (I'm on my 2nd marriage) men who are less attractive, and I've been trying to figure out why. I know my looks are above average (yikes - that sounds SO arrogant, but..) and there must be some kind of insecurity issue here...any thoughts? This is something that's been bugging me, and I'm trying to figure it out. I've never run into someone before with a similar tendency...Thanks so much!

Lilly

"in fact, I felt I had to date them because nobody else might.

Looks have become symbolic to me of looking for what I want in a woman, of not shying away from the competition, and of not dating somebody out of a sense of duty. So they've come to mean more than they really should."

February 2, 2006
9:28 pm
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Anonymous
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Lilly,

Hi. I'm glad to hear from you.

I have run out of time, or I'd reply to you next. I particularly want to answer your question. I don't want you to think I'm ignoring or have overlooked you. I want to reply and will do so either tomorrow or Saturday.

Seeker

February 3, 2006
8:03 am
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Anonymous
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Lilly,

I can't sleep this morning, so I thought I'd reply to you.

You aren't breaking any rules at all for this site. These threads are open to everybody. You started your own thread on this question, which is a very polite thing to do.

As for me, my parents didn't teach me much about morality. I yearned for moral guidance as a teenager and started reading Ann Landers' advice column.

A guy wrote in, telling about how he took a less attractive girl to the prom. She was ecstatic, and her joy made the entire experience very worthwhile for him.

Ever since I read this, I've felt compelled, duty bound, to seek out the less attractive women. I've imagined them to be broken-hearted about the whole dating game, and they needed me to rescue them.

There's more than just this. I've also felt I'm not as good as my peers, that I can't compete with them, that I don't stand a chance next to other guys. I've long felt a sense of shame for who I am, that nobody really wants me around.

I believe it's these two factors combined that have caused me to date less attractive women.

Is this similar to your situation?

Seeker

February 3, 2006
10:19 am
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LostLilly
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Seeker -

I think you and I definitely have some similarities in this regard. I grew up with a mother who shamed me into good behavior, but showed me poor morals. The idea was all about image. In this confusion, I believe my behavior was always shameful and my "image" was never good enough.

I know my insecurity comes into play when it comes to attractive men. I know I can attract them with no problem, my fear is keeping them. I guess it plays into the image covering the real me. There is also quite an ego boost to being with a less attractive person (and I'm embarrassed to admit that shallow side of it all). Like the man in the Ann Landers column who took a less attractive woman to prom - that boosted his ego - he became almost like that girl's higher power. When my husband introduced me to their friends they were very impressed. Had I been with an attractive man - I would have been just one more of his pretty girlfriends. Wow - I have more issues than I realized : )

I am finally realizing that I have value inside of me as well. The fact that I can be loveable to someone attractive - to someone who could have almost anyone -is a difficult one to believe. I do not want my marriage as it has not been based on honesty or health - it's a match made in co-dependence. I tried to be his higher power and he tried to be mine. My depression didn't lift until I started to face these truths.

Anyway - I'm so grateful for your response. I really want to heal in this area, and I know only God can show me my true worth and teach me to love myself so that it doesn't matter if an attractive person wants me or not.

Thank you so much, seeker!

Lilly

February 4, 2006
11:23 am
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Anonymous
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Lilly,

I appreciated reading your post. I assure you, but you already know this, that there are plenty of attractive guys who'll want to stay with you. I hope you will not be afraid to seek them out from now on.

Isn't that fear that we're unlovable, unworthy of the love of a decent person, one of the most crippling things there is? It drives us to have to prove we're somebody special, and we only hurt ourselves in the long run.

I'm trying to develop the mindset that all that matters is what God thinks -- nothing else does, not even what I think. I fight it, though; I'm amazed how tenaciously I fight it.

Thank you for your insights.
Seeker

February 4, 2006
2:47 pm
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Anonymous
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Lilly,

I wanted to change this:

"I hope you will not be afraid to seek them out from now on."

to this:

"I hope you will not be afraid to seek them out from now on. You deserve the best."

And BTW, I love this line:

"it's a match made in co-dependence"

Seeker

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