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Question for Free & Cici
July 30, 2004
7:35 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Ladies,

I'm hoping that you can give me some insight and advice on how to approach something - and perhaps you might even tell me to "mind my own business" and that might be for the best.

As you know my daughter was brutally raped. She is getting married in December, however, she and her fiance have decided to remain celibate until the wedding.

I have been worrying about how her experiences will be. I know she has been having counseling for this, she is also involved with a rape crises counseling group. She has the very best medical attention possible, and that does include excellent mental health as well.

Perhaps things will be fine, or perhaps she has even dealt with this with her counselors. I have thought about brining up the subject to her on several occasions, but I have not because, well, frankly - I'm not really sure "what" exactly to say.

I want her to realize that her marriage to her husband and what happens sexually between them should be seen as a beautiful thing, but I fear her having horrible flashbacks.

Can you in your experiences - tell me is it appropriate to bring this up to her? Should I wait and see if she talks to me about it?

Any input is greatly appreciated.

Z.

July 30, 2004
10:16 pm
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free
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Hi Z

You're concerns are certainly valid and understandable.

From what I've read about this man, I don't think I would bring anything up to her. It sounds to me as though he would be knowledgeable and sensitive to her issues.

Just in case you are wondering, this experience will be very different for her, and it will be a learning and growing experience for the both of them. She may flashback or split. If her husband is aware of these two things, he will stop. The best partner is one who can stop, comfort, and reassure. Sounds to me as though this man is that partner. Sex is, after all, an intimate experience involving love, trust, and communication. She may not be able to communicate well, but I bet he will.

I'd wait to see if she brings it up. Intimacy is something that will be very personal to her, almost secretive. It's important that this be unspokenly understood-in her heart she will thank you for that.

free

July 31, 2004
12:05 am
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Zinnie
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Thanks Free.

As my husband told me "there are some things you just don't want to discuss with your Mother."

I will leave it at that - if she wants to talk, she has never hesitated to call in the last two years, even at three in the morning - so, she knows the ears are always open.

Something I have been "fretting" over, and the dialog you and Cici had going just solidified my thinking of the subject. However, what you said just verified my hubby's thoughts on Mom butting in.

Z.

August 2, 2004
3:57 pm
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Cici
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Yeee, yeah I'd have to agree...I still can't really chat about the issue with my Mom even though she, too, was raped when she was a teenager.

Strangely enough, I have flashbacks at the oddest times. I guess the way I cope is by not building myself up to expect anything great or beautiful, just to be prepared that it may be unpleasant sometimes. I never did the celibacy thing, so I dunno...but it sounds like she's approaching the whole thing in as healthy a manner as possible.

I guess my advice is be prepared in case she decides to come to you for advice after the fact, ya know.

August 2, 2004
8:34 pm
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Zinnie
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Free and Cici,

Thank you both for your advice.

This has been something that I have been a little concerned about for a while. Her finace, is a wonderful sweet man, AND a trauma Dr., in a trauma unit at a hospital - so I do believe he will be well equiped to handle anything she might throw his way. They seem to work things out well.

I was a little concerned with how quickly she became involved with him, although she knew him BEFORE she was in the hospital. But, it's all good.

For right now... Mom butting out!

Thanks again ladies.

Z.

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