Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
Posted this on Support but would like to get opinions from Tez, bevdee, Ma Strong as well!! thx.
August 26, 2008
7:55 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What type of person offers to help someone, then lies about them, then rejects them?

This person I know operates as if he draws someone to him, by offering to help. Then he turns the tables, and lies about them to other people, becomes demonically angry at them, and then rejects them. He has sytematically done it to a family one member by one member at a time. Then to their face, he treats them nicely but truthfully it is known that he hates them, because he is very verbla about it. It seems as if he preys on their weakness, offers them a piece of candy, they accept, because they need it, and then he lies, has temper tantrums, and his anger level is off the charts. Reminds me of a devil of some sort. Thing is, this is a remote family member of mine, and we want him to get better. But we are now beginning to think something is very weird, but can't quite figure it out......any thoughts please?

August 26, 2008
7:56 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

free, anyone really...please respond if you have any ideas.

thanks!!

August 26, 2008
11:21 pm
Avatar
WizardofAus
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

http://www.bainbridgeleadershi.....ofTED.html

Check out this link plus anything you can find on "Karpman's Drama Triangle" and/or "The Empowerment Dynamic". Google these terms and you will get some good hits.

I have found this model delivers some powerful insights into the dangers of rescuing and the alternative approach of coaching someone to deal with their own challenges. It is top stuff if you have a tendency towards codependency.

August 26, 2008
11:23 pm
Avatar
WizardofAus
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am trying to get this link to work.

http://www.bainbridgeleadershi.....ofTED.html

August 26, 2008
11:24 pm
Avatar
WizardofAus
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Does anyone know the tag for a hyperlink?

August 27, 2008
12:18 am
Avatar
WizardofAus
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
August 27, 2008
11:32 am
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"support others on their own journey, without getting caught up in the drama." This is what needs to be done.

Wiz, the Triangle is my family to a tee, and never thought of it this way. Great website, thank you for showing it to me.

August 27, 2008
2:22 pm
Avatar
free
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 433
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi OMW

sounds like my ex husband. What kind of people do this sort of thing?

Bipolar off meds, boderline off meds, and narcissists who's inflated egos prevent them from ever seeking meds in the first place.

All you can do is distance yourselves.

I wish I had something better to say.

But your question is similar to the following :"what kind of cat would capture and slowly shred a beautiful bird until the life ran out of it, for nothing more than action, sport, and entertainment?"

This is what your remote family member IS.

hugs
free

August 27, 2008
6:18 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am very thankful for the feedback. All of this is helping me to understand that there is something more going on here than this person "just being upset". Family is finally looking at it realistically. We love this person and want him to be healed of this, it is difficult to distance, but we are distancing as in "not feeding the demon" as fantas said to me in support. I'm glad that I can come and go in this relationship but my sis is one of the consistent recipients. She is in denial it seems, she is the rescuer in the relationship and also blames everyone else for his anger.

August 27, 2008
7:46 pm
Avatar
WizardofAus
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Glad that you found it helpful, OMW.

You might also want to see if you can find anything by Virginia Satir. "Peoplemaking" was one of her books.

I think there are a couple of points to remember. The triangle is dynamic over time. So today, I am down in the dumps and I get you to rescue me by lending me some money. Tomorrow I need some more but you refuse. I get angry and move from victim to persecutor and start hurling abuse. You move to victim under a torrent of abuse and then a depression sets in. Someone then comes into rescue you.

Secondly, the problem tends to reside in the middle of the family rather than in just one person. To move into recovery everyone in the family has to commit to changing and of course acknowledging how their behaviour is also contributing to the problem.

The model works a treat for the alcoholic and the codependent. Alc asks Cod to call his boss; he has a hangover (Victim). Cod calls boss (Rescuer). Cod then lectures Alc about his drinking (Persecutor). Alc is suddenly highly energetic "I drink because you nag." (Persecutor). Cod moves to victim, "I am the only one holding this show together."

Meanwhile the family slips into dysfunction because everyone is distracted from what they need to be doing like raising kids and paying the bills. The empowerment dynamic transforms these dysfunctional roles into a more productive combination.

The take-home message for the codependent is do not rescue. Instead, calmly coach him to call his own boss and sort out his own mess and encourge him to join the dots between his drinking and the embarrassment of lying to his boss.

August 27, 2008
9:17 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

on my way

On the 26-Aug-08 you wrote:

"... we want him to get better."

Whilst this is a very good wish for you to have for him, firstly he has to recognize that he has a problem.

"We cannot fix what we won't acknowledge." - Dr. Phil.

Secondly he has to want to do something about it.

Then you followed with:

"But we are now beginning to think something is very weird, but can't quite figure it out......any thoughts please?"

All behaviour is geared towards getting a reward. What reward is this guy getting from his destructive behaviour?

August 27, 2008
9:31 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

WizardofAus

On the 26-Aug-08 you wrote:

"Does anyone know the tag for a hyperlink?"

By now you most probably have the answer.

From what I type below, substitute your URL and your appropriate text for the character string "text", subtract all single quotes(not the double quotes)and all spaces(except the one between the first A and the HREF) only:

'<' A HREF="http://www.allaboutcounseling.com" '>' text '<' '/' A '>'

August 27, 2008
11:10 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bipolarity or borderline personality disorder might be the cause...but you really need this person to be professionally evaluated for a diagnosis.

- Ma Strong

September 4, 2008
2:13 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for all of the responses.

Tez, what reward is he getting? To be honest I don't know, nothing external, but possibly his own internal reward: It is how he looks to be powerful and in control.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information