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poems from a troubled past
June 22, 2007
11:46 am
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robbie2007
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to die or not to die....

those who hear me

see me blind

i willl run, they will hide

so do not leave me, i will not die.

those who see me

cannot hear

they look, but run with fear

i try to talk, but noones near

so do not leave, i will not die.

those who touch me

cannot feel

my heart has shattered

but soon will heal

so do not leave, i will not die.

those who knew me, will now cry
for they did not help and i did die.

June 22, 2007
11:51 am
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robbie2007
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her life was happy

and her family was great

so what caused this pain

what caused her hate?

some say it is a phase

some a game

but why has her heart been left so lame?

crippled for life and battered inside

her wall has been built

her soul has died.

June 22, 2007
11:55 am
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robbie2007
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i wish i were an object

something lifeless and cold

never feeling pain

or needing someone to hold

never having to worry

never to cry

never having emotion

no need to ask why

no emotion would exist

i'd build a great wall

it would keep people out

keep me separate from all.

June 22, 2007
11:58 am
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robbie2007
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on a hill a mouse once lived

happy and content

until a message from the valley was sent

a monster was coming

a monster

to strike fear and terror into all

she would need to protect herself

indeed, to build a great wall

she hid and buried herself for years

but when the monster did leave

she was still trapped - for a friend she had not

only her tears.

June 22, 2007
11:58 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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you were obviously in alot of pain when you wrote this...you have a way with words.

my coping mechanism as a kid was sleep...mom taught me well...sleep and nothing bad can happen.

well, nothing except missing out on life as it passes you by.

June 22, 2007
12:01 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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what kinds of things did you feel you had to protect yourself from?

June 22, 2007
12:06 pm
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robbie2007
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i was a cutter at that time i wrote these.

late at night when the rest of the world was sleeping, i would take out my little eyeglass screwdriver and run it over my arm over and over until i bled. the pain was so deep. i had to let it out. i still have that scar.

in college, i took to sleeping pills. nearly killed myself after months and months of taking them every day. i didnt quite make it to that part of my story on my other thread.

June 22, 2007
12:20 pm
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truthBtold
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robbie2007,

Glad you are still here. Please continue to share and "letting it all out."

((((((HUGS)))))

June 22, 2007
12:30 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I am glad you are "letting it out" in healthier ways these days.

When i was a kid, my parents "protective" bubble they kept me in, to protect me from the cruel, evil world whose only intent was to get me pregnant.....kept me from having friends...from having a social life...from having social SKILLS.

I went to school and was an outcast...sure, I was friendly with people...but overall, I had NOTHING in common with these people, except maybe what was on tv the night before.

Looking back, it makes me angry.

But of course, now, it's not stopping me...I am FREE...and I can be as social as I want to be...without restriction. It feels good.

My outlet was reading and sleeping and on the weekends, I babysat for a family that kept me on all weekend, so I "escaped" from my "bubble"...it was fun, we did alot of fun things...I got to vacation with them, do things with the kids. Without that job...life would have been hell.

It's no wonder why my only goal in life was to have kids...it was all I knew.

June 22, 2007
12:46 pm
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truthBtold
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Robbie2007,

I would like to share with you one of my poems:

Pandora's Box.....(Now) Revisted

Open now, lay thy once closed, fearful container.

Whose hinges wrought rust and lock guard my chamber.

Sealed with warnings...of monsters....of evil......

....Of shadows so cold.....least I DARE not to feel!

Twas way deep inside - 'mongst my own private of rooms -

....Found courage to challenge....those purveyors of doom!

S-L-O-W-L-Y now......

As I open the lock......

Prepared fully for evil....(and awaiting it's shock.........)

Found only my innocence, shining brightly at me...,

Long waiting my arrival.......

Bold, Brillance, Blinding ME!!!!!!

You see,

My fear.... bred.... MORE FEAR!

and my goodness inhibited....

....mine own courage attest to - - -

Pandora's Box....(now) revisited.

June 22, 2007
12:49 pm
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robbie2007
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thank you for sharing.

that is an awsome poem!

and i do think, i read it as you intended for it to "sound"

(((hugs)))

June 22, 2007
1:01 pm
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robbie2007
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rising - i had no social skills either. infact, am still developing them.

you talk about this protective bubble. in a way, i understand -

my father always made me feel incapable. he did everything for me becuz i would screw it up. so the freedom i have being on my own now, to try things and make a mistake and learn from my mistake is wonderful.

June 22, 2007
2:53 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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my father didn't do SHIT for me...that's the thing...at home, I was expected to do EVERYTHING...everything mom did, I should do.

I earned my keep many times over.

I worked and paid for my own necessities...from toiletries to clothing and snacks and lunch, car, insurance and gas, school supplies, haircuts and more.

What he protected me from was PEOPLE. He thought I couldn't fend for myself in the big bad world...he had me so worked up and nervous about new situations that I often got sicker than a dog, throwing up before something new...like a girl scout campout...that he was NOT going to let me go to....that I almost missed it.

instead, I spent the whole time in the lodge, throwing up and loose bowels...soiled my clothing...forgot pajamas and was too fat to borrom other girls extras...embarrassed cuz I stunk up the bathroom and had others making faces and comments about the smell that I knew I caused.

Yup, he protected me from the world, but really did more damage than good.

June 22, 2007
3:10 pm
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robbie2007
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why did he feel the need to protect you to that extent? did something happen? it sounds like it was more than being over protective - tell me more...

June 22, 2007
5:05 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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well...maybe it had something to do with my mom's childhood...which is not something I really thought of.

But he had it in his head that daughters could come home pregnant.

And if they came home pregnant, it is traditionally dad's who have to support them (unwed mothers that is).

And boys are not dad's responsibility...only the unwed, pregnant daughters.

So, he feared me getting pregnant.

Best I can recall, I was daddy's little girl, went EVERYWHERE with him, UNTIL I hit puberty.

once i started my period, at age 9, he stopped taking me along...I was no longer welcome in daddy's world.

His theory was "it isn't fit for a young lady" to be in the garage, the fire house, whatever...it isn't fit for me to be around men.

Now, backtracking, my mom was molested by her step dad....mom got pregnant at 16 by her step dad's friend...and gave baby up for adoption.

MAYBE dad didn't want me following in mom's footsteps??????

I don't know where his fear came from.

But his basic premise was that I could get into too much trouble in the world. So he had to protect me.

I wasn't allowed to go to friend's houses, to the movies with friends, out with friends, sleep over friends...he felt I would sneak out and meet boys...disobey his rules.

So, he kept me from going anywhere.

At 16, I was "free" but by then, I felt like such an outcast, that it was impossible to become "friends" with anyone.

June 23, 2007
3:34 pm
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jv63
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I love the poetry here thanks to truthBtold for your suggestion

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