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PETITION FOR SUNNY
October 6, 2004
12:43 am
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bubishi76
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Anyone that doesn't want Sunny to leave, Post here. Hopefully SHe will read this. I just got informed briefly of what is going on and we should help. Does anyone have any suggestions. Also, WE need to Identify this EX and if he chooses to post, then we need to just block him out as if he doesn't exist.
~Bubishi~

October 6, 2004
12:58 am
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southgoingzax
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Nobody wants Sunny to leave. We love her. She is wonderful and kind and supportive. But I don't know if she will ever feel safe enough to post here again. I can understand, although I wish it wasn't this way. Much love to you, Sunny-bunny (yes, I read that post too),

zax

October 6, 2004
2:48 am
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gingerleigh
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Not that I don't like Sunny (I do), but this site is for everyone. We shouldn't be blocking people from using this site just because someone else was here first. That's not fair.

October 6, 2004
8:11 am
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cak
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I agree gingerleigh:
However, many people on this site thought it was an violation of her Human rights.

What about Democracy?
The majority vote rules.

Maybe a group conscious?

Just my 2 cents worth.
CAK

October 6, 2004
8:25 am
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mamacinnamon
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I have only been here a couple days, but here is my observation as a newcomer.

I have read the posts. Sunny is quite an asset to this site. I think this site would suffer from her abscense. I have enjoyed reading her posts. They have always been uplifting, encouraging, straight forward. She is the kind of strong person this site needs.

On the other hand, will you know for sure it is he that you are blocking and not just someone that sounds the very same. Only brought that up coz I read the postings by free and they are so very close to my experiences that I don't know I would know the differences if I wasn't first hand.

If there is a way to block him and know it is him for sure then my vote is block him. Wolves will come in sheeps clothing and it is our job to protect our sheep (if that makes sense). We need to protect Sunny.

October 6, 2004
8:32 am
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Dawg
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Yes I agree, it was a violation of human rights... Come back sunny.!!!

Dawg

October 6, 2004
10:50 am
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Zinnie
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People come here to post as it's a safe place, but it's only a safe place if WE keep it that way.

Back a few months ago when Sunny said she had showed her significant other this site, we warned her this might happen, and sadly it has.

The site is open to all - so, although he is only coming here to read what she might be up to... he has the same rights as Sunny.

I have noticed that SC has put at the top now "to keep our postings here anonymous" - I think now, more than ever do I understand that.

October 6, 2004
10:59 am
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workinonit
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I agree with Zinnie. Everyone here knows how much I love Sunny but, I felt the same way when she shared this with the ex.

I see no reason why she cannot post though and just be cautious about details. We really do need her here.

Miss you Sunny, sunshine girl!!!!!;(

October 6, 2004
11:16 am
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Bianca
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Oh Good Grief!

Sunny will be missed, definitely she will be missed. I have enjoyed her thoughtful posts and she has definitely added something to this site.

But it's not like the ex was snooping and found the site, she told him about it.

There is another website I post to, that I have told my guy about. And if he happened to glance through that website, and post on it, it might feel like an invasion of privacy - but I don't think it really would be.

C'mon - you tell someone you are posting on a site. A public internet site viewable by many many people. You cannot really expect to keep your privacy from this person, to whom you have already given away the anonymity that this site offers.

He wouldn't necessarily have known her username if he wasn't told...

And - I have to mention - not-so-subtle "cryptic" messages pointing people to a different website, with a message on that other site to the person with the same name is not very helpful. Anyone interested in following her would be able to follow those breadcrumbs to the new website... I did, and I'm not even involved in the situation.

October 6, 2004
11:54 am
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Freya
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Hey Sunny,
let me first start by saying you would be greatly missed if you left. You have offered so much to so many and this site just won't be the same to those of us who know it now.
Empathetically speaking, showing your ex the site was something I had considered doing also. I wanted to share with him all the wonderful people and allow him to see that we were not the only ones with these issues. I was thinking that maybe it would help him understand a little more about codependence and the like.
I never did show him. When I got to thinking, I felt as though it was my little hideaway, it was the one thing I had left that was mine alone. The one place where I could ask questions and get input, the place where I could create whatever I wanted and feel safe. I am not sure why you showed him but I bet you had good reason. I hope you are well and I would love to see you come back and share with us. ((((((((((((sunny))))))))))). Freya.

October 6, 2004
1:39 pm
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lam
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Hi everyone,

I haven't been around much the last few days - I was in a car accident Sunday afternoon and am not feeling well. Forgive me in advance if it appears that I am blunt or short, just not feeling well - I don't feel myself at all yet.

In Sunny's thread to me on MOnday she asked for someone to explain what had happened to Eternaloptomist, and I apologize that I've not been able to right away.

So to everyone: Basically, her ex created a thread called "trying to cope" using the nickname "singledad." In his postings he alleged certain behavior about her that was denied and deemed false. My personal choice was to believe Sunny, what she told me Sunday and Monday and what she's told me for the last 2 months. I believe her for many reasons but basically because of the person that she is and the character I've come to know in her.

I also remember - and it's all on this board for anyone to read - her saying that she did NOT want to be in contact with him, that he was attempting to contact her and she was upset about that. She had said that she was blocking his email address to prevent him from contacting her any more that way.

So after telling him to not contact her any further and not speaking with him and blocking his emails...he suddenly showed up here. I won't get into all the other reasons that I think that occurred but someone else mentioned the word 'stalking' and I agreed. From the steps she said she was taking to prevent him contacting her, I think this was the last place he knew to find her and he took the opportunity to mess with her. I personally don't believe that it was done with any kind of 'counseling' or 'advice' seeking in mind. Read ALL of Sunny's posts and you'll see why I believe that.

Yes she showed him the site, I don't know for a fact if she told him her nickname but it wouldn't have been to hard to figure out by reading the threads, he does know their own story. I don't know for sure why she showed him the site; She had said that he was jealous, controlling, insecure and angry when she she came to this site and that she had to 'ask permission' to do so b/c he 'bitches' when she came on here. (For anyone who cares to, read the thread "Wokinonit speaks out to..." particularly Sunny's 9/5/04 posts.)

I would think it had something to do with that but I do not presume to know the actual reason. We can all judge why she may have told him but dwelling on 'why' she did won't help, especially if it's something that she's already kicking HERSELF for doing. Unfortunately, it's done and I think she regrets it and is also suffering from the consequences of it. I think it has unfortunately become a lesson for all of us regarding the importance and sanctity of anonymity here.

Individuals cannot be blocked from this site the way it is and even with a new nickname, he still knows their story. Would any of us want to post if we had to 'pretend' that we're someone else and couldn't say what we really wanted to, knowing the one person we don't want to know those things...WILL know and can use them against us? Particularly when there are legal matters pending.

Anyone who has read her last few posts knows how angry, upset and humiliated she is. If it were me, I'd probably be worried about people's reaction here to what was said about me and would probably feel that I was now in a position to have to defend myself HERE against whatever he may invent to throw out there to everyone, AND with him probably still reading. I do hope that she is just taking care of herself and will be back because we all miss her and personally, she has helped me more than I can even say, but I don't know if that'll ever happen and that makes me very sad and angry.

Sunny, if you are still reading and I hope that you are, you are very loved here, you are missed here and you will always be wanted here. We love you. (((((SUNNY)))))

Much love to all,

lam

October 6, 2004
2:14 pm
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bel
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I agree with Zinnie, Workin and Bianca, it happened, its over and no way to block him and why should we? This site is open to all and if we take that priviledge away from one person then we might have to do it for all wouldnt we?

IM sorry Sunny had to go through that and feels she has to leave but like it was said before she gave him this website or link, IM sure she knew he would come here sooner or later.

Bel

October 6, 2004
3:55 pm
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lam
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Bianca,

Seeing you feel as you do about my 'not-so-subtle "cryptic" messages' to Sunny, you honestly could have felt comfortable to address me by name and address it with ME directly, rather than throw it out there as an additional topic for debate as something automatically deemed "not very helpful" without knowing the facts of the matter.

So for you - and anyone else who'd like me to clarify but may have felt uncomfortable asking - I absolutely will.

I offered someone I consider a friend an opportunity to speak in a private and confidential atmosphere regarding an issue she has, since she feels she no longer has that privacy here. While I do miss her very much and would love to see her continue to post here, I thought it more important that she have a safe, private, confidential place to speak her mind about the issue and be able to receive more information that we'd probably ever be able to provide her with here.

She and I had a discussion awhile back and I told her I would get back to her with information she expressed that she wanted. I feel badly that it's taken me awhile to do so but at least wanted to try to get it to her before she stopped reading here.

What I posted on THIS site to her was a LINK to another website. I did it that way for the purpose of respecting SC's guideline. If you were to read more carefully what I had written, you would see that on THAT website, (which, by the way, I DID NOT suggest to her that she POST anything THERE), I listed an EMAIL address - not a WEBSITE address that anyone could follow her to.

It's an email address for a local, not-for-profit organization that deals with an issue she had asked for help about. Because this organization does NOT currently "advertise" on the internet, NO ONE else would be able to "follow those breadcrumbs" whether or not they were "involved in the situation." I may have a bit of a head injury, but I'm not THAT unaware. You were able to follow to the initial website by the link I posted here, as I was aware that ANYONE else could have and expected that they would, but no one would be able to follow any further.

I posted the email address to a PRIVATE, confidential volunteer within a local organization (that her ex would have no idea how to find) that talks, counsels and provides information and current research, as well as the names and contacts for other oganizations throughout the country, to individuals who are trying to understand and deal with others who have bipolar disorder. I know about this organization because I HAVE relatives with bipolar disorder and they have helped me tremendously. Thought it could help her as well, especially now with what happened to her here with regard to her bipolar ex. (Who, whether or not he was "told" her nickname, could have very easily figured it out by the content of her posts...he DOES know their own story...)

If anyone asked me directly to clarify the information for their own curiosity, I would have been more than happy to clarify, as I'm doing here now. I would have preferred that rather than anyone presuming to know what the information is and proceeding to inaccurately state that it would NOT be very helpful and implying that I was leading her only to have her followed and have her privacy invaded again and leave her open to being potentially violated again. While I do not ever proclaim to be a genius, I am certainly not a moron.

I wasn't more specific in my posts to Sunny at the time I made them because I was posting them with the assumption that her ex was still reading and was trying to protect what little privacy she had left here. Now that it was indirectly mentioned, I have clarified so that my intentions are clear and that it does not have to debated any further.

What I did was keep my word to a friend, that I would get this info to her, whether she chooses to utilize it or not, that is her choice, she doesn't have to. I at least wanted to do what I said I would. I did want to be careful of what I said here and did not want to post ANY kind of email address here so I posted it on a website that does not have that rule.

If I still inadvertantly did anything I was not supposed to, then I do sincerely apologize to the Site Coordinator and I welcome her to contact me to discuss it, if she deems it necessary. I honestly did not intend any disrespect to your site in the least, SC, and I'm sorry if it came across that way.

lam

October 6, 2004
4:34 pm
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Anonymous
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I raise a motion to expel from the site anyone who comes in pretending to ask for advice when they have other goals in their agenda. And that includes the guy who had me sweat to give him advice and then made me feel like a fool because he obviously wasn't interested in advice, and later I learned he was the ex bf of someone who posts here by the nick of Sunny.

Apart from that, I'm set against ganging up against someone, and that includes any action that is concerted between all board members against one.

I say let's judge by the person's behavior.

October 6, 2004
4:59 pm
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site coordinator
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Hey everybody, let's relax and let this rest over here.

The short of it is that sunny of her own free will, told her ex she visits this site, and he came here. I think we're all digging up and flinging much more dirt than was ever present in the first place.

There's no sides here, but we're hearing emotionally charged opinions and misunderstandings. We all know that this sucks. Shit happens in life. We can't undo things that have been done, especially not via the web or with people we don't know (anonymous people).

Please, if this discussion really must continue, I request to move it to the liberation brew threads. There are newbies coming in with fresh hurt, and we need a warm environment for that. Feel free to continue, I just ask that it be done on the liberation brew threads - all you old timers (folks famililar w/ the sunny issue now) should know how to get to the liberation threads.

Please, no more here.

October 6, 2004
5:44 pm
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Bianca
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Iam -

I certainly wasn't meaning any disrespect - no offense was intended and I apologize if it came across that way.

I didn't list your name because I couldn't remember what thread it was on and I didn't have time to do a search through the threads to figure out who it was.

I wasn't trying to start anything, and again - I apologize if it came across that way.

October 7, 2004
11:02 am
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fairy99
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I just wanna say that I miss Sunny very much and I hope she comes back.

She always had somehting good to say and was always very positive and full of encouragement. If she does decide not to come back, I hope she still reads our posts and understands how much we miss her.

Iam, I understand and I don't think you did anything wrong at all. You were helping a friend, that's what we do here, we help people we talk to and somehow we feel a bond whether we have met or not. Anyway..... Sunny, if your reading, I miss you very much and I hope your heart is ok. Many , many hugs from me and some extra to keep with you. You are in my thoughts everyday. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

~~fairy~~

October 7, 2004
11:33 pm
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workinonit
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Hello all, I'd like to provide a bit of insight. Iam has taken quite a bit of time in shainge her story on this board. Sunny and many of us on the Workinonit speaking to,,,thread encouraged her but Sunny and Iam had a strong bond.

This is very tough on some who have come to feel comfortable discussing their issues after not talking for a long long time.

Maybe we should all drop it since the bottom line is, we'd love to have her back.

October 8, 2004
7:52 pm
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free
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I just think this really bites. However, there's nothing that can be done about it.

As far as the ex having the same rights- I am personally so sick of hearing that- it's become nauseating. He did not come here seeking support and I really think that would be the consensus. He came here to get at her.

Everytime the ex pops up and pulls this kind of crap it seems like everybody starts chiming in with "he has rights too. We must be fair, these things are for everybody, including him." Not just on message boards, but with police and the legal system, with friends, with not friends, with whoever enters the picture for whatever reason.

I hear this so much that now sometimes I hear it when the wind blows.

What he has, is the right to invade and negatively impact the life of the person he wants to hurt. That's what he has folks. A ticket to hurt.

And that is what he's done. Is he here seeking advice, support, help? Uh, no. He came here, made his presence known, and then left as "it wouldn't be fair or right for him to stay". Well how sweet- and oh so terrible that he feels he can't stay here. Bullshit.

He alienated sunny from a place where she sought support. That's what abusers and controllers do, and they do it in a manner that I consider an art form. It's just downright artistic. a genuine piece of work.

Is there anything we can do? No. He can just come here under a different name, from a different computer, and ya know what? We block him, and he will. He probably is anyway. After all, I'm sure all of this gives him quite the orgasm. Know what I mean?

I know sunny's kicking herself in the butt over showing him this site. It's hard to know what to do sometimes. It was a part of her life, and people who are together share their lives.

People who have survived what sunny is going through share their lives with their partners too, except for that part of their life that would cause them to be potentially vulnerable.

My man of 6 years does not know I come here- he knows I go to support message boards, but does not know the sites.

Now that's a topic for discussion in itself. After all, if you are in love and trust somebody so much, why would you not share everything about yourself with this person?

And the answer, to survivors, is that sharing everything is almost ALWAYS a mistake.

My ex husband came here. Still does sometimes. He found it. Don't even ask me how: stalkers find you. They just do. Hell, he had a copy of my itinerary for a flight one time before I ever printed it out, and no, he does not have access to my computer, and I do change my passwords frequently. Kids have no access either.

You stand up to them. You post anyways. You show them that nothing they do of this nature can injure you. You act as if you don't even know they are there. that drives em nuts. they want you to know they are there, and they want a response.

Sunny, you are giving him a response. You re giving him power.

Don't.

Post. You can respond to other people. You can offer support, and not even talk about your own self if you want to. You can say things like "I have a friend who is thinking, or feeling or whatever this way and what do you think?" He can't prove you are speaking of yourself. Your posts here have no weight in court. They prove nothing. It cannot be proven they are written by you. And that's what would have to happen to give anything any weight. If anything, a judge is gonna wonder why on earth this guy is seeking you out on message boards. That;s not normal sunny. It's not normal or healthy behavior to go to message boards looking for somebody to try to get evidence, print something out, and claim it is YOU posting these things so the court should do something about it or consider it as evidence.

That's wacko behavior. Especially if you say something to the effect of "I have no idea what he is talking about. Must be a different sunny judge- 🙂 oh, shucks, I guess he'll just have to keep searching the net if he wants to know what I might be posting someplace! Poor guy, can't even find genuine posts from me to use in court, how traumatic. Maybe counseling could help him, your honor?"

Is this making any sense?

You have the power sunny to take control of your life BACK.

Here, it is anonymous. He cannot prove you are posting, and no judge will even consider it. He will look bad, very bad, if he even asks a judge to.

Nobody here is turning their back on you. Nobody here is offering him sympathy. Nobody here supports what he is doing.

He is isolating you from this support system because you are permitting it. He is scaring you. He is bullying you. And the only power he has is that you are afraid of what he can use here. He can use nothing unless you let him by saying "yeah judge I posted that." Well, don't.

Get out of victim mode sunny and start fighting back. It's the only way to survivorhood, and the only way to autonomy. There's no other way, including hiding.

free

do that sunny.

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