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One Last Attempt
April 7, 2005
12:21 pm
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sewunique
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Friends,

I posted in Support threads my last ditch effort here about this wicked subject. Should anyone have any solid ideas on this topic, I'd appreciate your thoughts. Otherwise, I leave will have to leave it go.

May I add, that I am not seeking sympathetic posts, but really just feedback on this topic. If there are no further thoughts from the past postings back in November, then let it go.

The new thread I opened is titled: "Coda Mom, Can Sew Ask You?" Some of you may not need to refresh your memory on this topic from my old post explaining it which was titled: "Sew, Now It's Time."

If you have triggers with soft porn, amatuer photographers, do not read it. If you are sensitive and be be appalled, do not read it.
One person read some of my postings and stated they had to go throw up; if this is you, do not read it.

I do not mean to be exclusive to anyone I did not mention in this thread I opened. I merey mentioned the names who had posted on the original thread. As always, all are welcome, so please I do not mean to offend anyone. Just looking for solid, concrete ideas and straightforward from the hip. That suits me best when in these situations. If I have a cancer, I would want the docs to tell me straight out and not hee haw and bash it around. So there it is. Thanks, for any replies, if not, no problem!!!

Sew

April 7, 2005
11:39 pm
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Worried_Dad
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sewunique,

I guess I'm not sure what you are "attempting" here.

I'd say give up on convincing your daughter what a schmuck your husband is. Instead, just try to reestablish a connection with her. If you bad-talk her Dad, it will just alienate her. Your daughter is safe from him now. Focus on your relationship.

April 8, 2005
2:22 am
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ladyvirgo
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Dear Sew,
I didn't know whether to write a response here or on the other tread... so I did it there.... but will check in here so that I don't miss a resoinse from you if you want to make one.

YOu are in a difficult space, but you do have the truth and time on your side, and most of all you have LOVE on your side..... It will come together - the ingredients are right. Your daughter is in fear as yet, but one day she will be strong enough to face it....

Shame is a huge weight on her, I should think... so she needs the protection of your keeping the secret......

Anyay, check out your thread..... take heart.... you are on the right track - and you have those replying to you who are very wise.... I really respect thier words.

take care.... ladyv

April 10, 2005
1:00 am
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sewunique
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Thanks, WD,

For returning a post here and downstairs. I know better than to try to convince my daughter of anything, especially to say negative things about her stepfather. Makes me look like the bad guy.

Ladyvirgo,

Thanks for your response as well. Yes, shame is on her side. Am I cruel for saying that as well? I am more angry at my ex for his manipulative ways. I remember my father just recently telling me, (when I told him about the pictures and thinking of divorce), he said that he thought before we married that my ex had been paying unusually alot of attention to my daughter and she was 17 when we married. Now that I look back, I can see all this rather questionable behavior, bu missed it then as nothing ever occurred around me. But another story that is not to tell here.

Sew

I tried to raise an independent daughter as I could, guess I accomplished that one. She is good about sticking up for herself and speaking up when she should. Add that to her German stubborness and whalla, look what I have.

I am begining to realize she too is codependent, but in a controlling way. I just realized this last year when we flew down here together to see my mother when she was still living. My daughter was afraid of flying. I tried to calm her. It hit me like a ton of bricks when she announced to me that she needs to always be in control. Her fear of flying she said, was that she had to depend on the pilot to fly the plane, not her, and she felt out of control. Wow! Now that is some controlling problem! It was then I realized how much she needed to be alwaays right and to be in charge, in control, just as I have.

What I have read about adult codependents, is that I, as a parent of an adult codependent child, I have to allow her to sort out her own problems in her own way. That is a hard one.

I will be starting to compose some letter writings to her, as this appears to be the only connection I have with her and perhaps her reading my letter and not having to hear my voice will allow her to 'hear' my love and concern for her.

What and how I will say has not come to me as yet. I seem to be lost for words. Ha! Imagine me with no words to write! My heart overflows with love and concern and aches to just to communicate, and yet I feel the many words I have to say are all wrong. So I will have to sort out the feelings and perhaps write and re write until it is acceptable to send. Now that I know what to do, the next step is being able to get it done.

April 10, 2005
2:16 am
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ladyvirgo
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Dear Sew,
I thought of you a few evenings ago when I went to hear a wonderful woman talk...her name is Cecilie and she is from Canada.... and is probably the most spiritual and wise woman I have ever met......she impressed me with her gentleness and humour and of course - that overflowing well-spring of wisdom...

She told us that it's easy to get caught up in your stuff and make make yourself a bit of a martyr over it.... And she told us a story about her daughter moving away and not giving her a forwarding address.... just taking off.

Cecilie said that she thought that if the daughter didn't want to communicate then she wouldn't write... and felt martyred about it. Then some time later she realised that she could send the letter if she wanted to! And the daughter could drop it in the trash can if she wanted to, too!

And that is freedom for both. You are not being controlled by her, or she by you.

Your daughter's need for control shows you that you cannot talk about what she does not want to talk about... and if the final control is to shut you out, she may well do it.

My mother was big into control, so I know something about it. It's a terrible place to be.... it really played with my head for a very long time. For me the answer was to know that I was okay, and that I could make my own decisions and live by the consequences.

When I realised that I was the one with more strength and flexibility (VERY important, flexibility, I think) my outlook relaxed and things went better.

I have been thinking or you and sending care for you in this situation..... love, ladyv

April 10, 2005
2:30 am
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sewunique
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Ladyv,

I posted big time on Support about this thread, should you care to or have time to read it.

So what you are saying is this; we each have control to our actions and reactions of the matter?

If I am clear on this, are you saying to go ahead and write to her now? Or later? I am not sure the words are ready to come forth from me as too many feelings interfere with it all right now.

I am a Virgo too, just interesting I thought. Who is this lady you speak of? Do you have any readings or books in which may be of use to me? You seem to have many different resources I may be interested in learning about.

Sew

April 10, 2005
11:16 am
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ladyvirgo
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Hi Sew,
I will see if I can find out Cecilie's surname.... she's come here as a guest speaker to a Budhist group.
a young man who is a member of my gorups is also a member of that group, so there's the link.

I think what I am saying to you is that you are wise to be careful with your daughter's fear of going out of control.... she has to control everything including what you talk about together or she feels that she'll all apart. In time she will hopefully see that this is a very narrow and fearful life path.

I know you would choose not to make things worse.... and therefore may have to pick your words carefully.....

And I am also saying that Cecilie brought home to me that we should not martyr ourselves over it.... If you want to write - if it is what you need, and desire, then write!

You can choose to write.....
you have rights too

She can choose to read......
If she wants to

At the bottom of this is most likely Shame. I have told others on these threads that the very best info I've come across on Shame is recordings by Lazaris. Not only are they wise but they are really non-threatening and even have you laughing.....

I would suggest to you that if you want to learn more then you go to http://www.lazaris.com

The tapes are great.... it's said that it's channeled material... I think it is, but it really doesn't matter whether it is or isn't .... it's the information that's important.... and it's the best.... And what's more.... these tapes help you leave shame behind....It's not just information, it's practical help!

They were the making of me and my children and countless friends and clients have found them great, too. I only mention this becuase you say that you could be interested in my resounces.

You may ask me if the tapes are meant for you or your daughter..... well, you get them and work with them....you'll understand a lot more- then she can listen when she wants.... if you offer she knows where to get help, doesn't she?

I hope that's helped......

Of course, what you do is your choice and will be because you know more about the whole thing that any of us on this site do.

You love her.... that will shine through.

ladyv

April 11, 2005
12:14 pm
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on my way
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Hi Sew.
Very good advise on this thread and your other one. Difficult to follow whe emotions are involved, but still good advice to take to heart.

I also think that in a positive light you are facing each matter now, since your divorce one thing at a time, beginning with the most important relationship your daughter.
Since the divore took so much of your thoughts, time, energy, it was the only thing that had most of your attention for a long, long time. Your daughter has always been there, in the back of your mind, but the divorce took it all. NOW, you are moving forward, able to concentrate more on you and your daughter, and relationships that are important...you now have the emotional energy to do so. This is a good thing.
I gues if I were in your shoes, I would send a card, assuring that no matter what has happened, that you still love her, and tell her when or if she is ready to continue a relationship with you, to let you know. Then, I would just wait...give her time to think through, but knowing at the same time, that you, her mom is accepting of her now, and that you love her.
This will eventually work out, again very wise advise to you above, and very caring advice as well.

Hope this helps as well, hang in there,
hugs,
omw

April 12, 2005
1:28 am
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sewunique
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OMW,

Thanks for your added input. Yes, the divorce took much energy and time and affected my life no matter how hard I tried to begin or get on with my life, it was an interference. I was like in a warp zone and no matter how hard I tried or what I did, it remained there with me caught in it. That spinning has stopped and thrown me off kilter and now I am trying to figure out where I am, like being lost in a unknown forest. Even the term 'a divorced woman' has me shuddering with that term; going for 'a single person' and leave it as that when asked my status.

The responses that were given to me were wise, caring and well thought out from some very bright group of people here. I would have thought no other would have been forthcoming. Each of them has my utmost respect, as always.

I agree that a card with a few lines of my love and sharing will have to suffice. As Mother's Day is coming soon, I will send her one then as well. Not that it is mother5's day, but that as a mother, to share how proud I am of her as the mother she has become to her children. Does that sound quirky? (from your post in Support, I am a carrot cake, see?)

Sew/C

April 12, 2005
4:09 pm
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Anonymous
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Sew,

How are you?

I'm thinking about you!!!

Love,

Ren'ai

April 12, 2005
4:14 pm
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on my way
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Hi Sew,
your idea sounds good to me. Hang in there, always available to talk.

omw

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