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OMW, this one's for you :-)
July 17, 2008
4:00 pm
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Giggles_29
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I just wanted to say that you should surrender everything up to God. Just keep praying for the strength to let go and to just be more calm and peaceful in times of struggle, instead of being defensive. Pray that He guide you and ask Him how you should react, or even if you should react at all. I've been working on this one myself, but it truly does make it easier.

I wish you the best of luck and I know you will get through this my dear AAC friend. There is a quote I saw once that has really stuck w/ me,

"Don't tell your God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God Is". 🙂

July 17, 2008
5:03 pm
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Hi Giggles,

This is such good advice, thank you so much. I will pray and I know that there will be a victory. I guess we can't see how everything fits together at times.

Poor God, I am always writing the script at times! I know I must make Him laugh. I realized that most times I am so busy with my own thoughts that I do not listen. It is hard to separate the "recordings" of my past, so to speak from God's voice. But you are right, prayer and faith in action will allow Him to see it through.

Thank you.

omw

July 17, 2008
5:25 pm
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Giggles,
From the othre thread in support that I started, I wanted to ask you, in your guide for relationships that you wanted. Did you write from your needs, or did you use Scripture, or how did you go about it? I definitely do not pursue my perfect relationship. I don't even thik I have found one. I am usually making someone angry or losing someone, or maintaining superficial relationships or relationships with people who I see everyday. I have been told I am a good friend by some, and others I ahve been told that I am selfish. Others say I am pushy. And I know I can't please everyone, but I have lost my 'self' in all of this hoopla. I really will pray though. I know God revealed this to me. I can always tell when it is Him. And I know if He led to it, then as the saying goes, He will lead me through it.

July 17, 2008
5:57 pm
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StronginHim77
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OMW -

This may sound weird, but I don't have any ONE friend who knows the Real, Total ME.

One friend knows about my stressed, frustrated angry side...one knows about my spiritual struggles...one knows about my eating disorder struggles...one knows about my temptation to drink when alone at night and "numb" myself to sleep chemically...one knows me as a humorous, witty, entertaining woman...

GET THE PICTURE?

I have so many sides...and I have NEVER allowed any one person to know the WHOLE me. Why? I think because -- deep inside -- I figure anyone who knows all of me will reject me, just like my late husband who committed suicide. Since his death, I have lost the capacity of being totally open with anyone. He was the only one who knew ALL of me, good and bad. And he chose to leave me.

There was one other girlfriend who knew everything there was to know about me. We grew up together and she understood me so well. She never judged me...always loved me. But she died eleven years ago.

It's like anyone who DOES know the total me DIES/LEAVES/GOES AWAY...and I have finally lost the vulnerability it takes to risk rejection or judgment by revealing myself fully to another human being. I always keep parts of myself in reserve and sort of "self-edit," depending upon whom I'm with.

No wonder I am so lonely. I don't even open up on these threads anymore. I give advice...sure. But I rarely share my own burdens or problems. I can't handle even anonymous "cyber" friends, knowing what a jerk I am.

- Ma

July 17, 2008
6:00 pm
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StronginHim77
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I did start to become very close to another woman missionary I met nearly two years ago. She had ovarian cancer. We met, bonded and she "mentored" me for a long time, but she died, too. Just three months ago. And -- of course -- there were things I never told her, either. I hide so much of myself because I think I am basically BAD...same message my mother gave me, growing up. Unworthy. Bad. Not up to par. Lacking.

BAD.

= Ma

July 17, 2008
6:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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I cannot believe I have actually confessed to all of this in black & white.

- Ma

July 17, 2008
6:45 pm
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Giggles_29
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OMW, okay so when I was in counseling and when I did all these writing exercises, I did not accept God into my life at this point.

I actually started out by writing what I knew I DIDN'T want in a relationship. That was easier at the time. Within a few more sessions I was able to dig down and really think about what it was I truly wanted in a relationship.

First & foremost I realized before I could even think about what I wanted, I knew I had to be happy with and love MYSELF! Without that I wouldn't be happy with anything or anyone.

The more I began to learn about myself it just really became easier to list what I wanted and what I needed. 🙂

I have no desire to be in a relationship of any kind right now. Honestly I am really enjoying being by myself and still with each day learning more about myself. Just taking care of me and my daughter. I wouldn't have it any other way right now.

Hope this helps.

OH and if you do read my post "Before & After Change".... just know my very first post I did not have God in my life, as compared to my most recent, I do.

I know He has always been there, but I chose to walk away. However, since I've had God in my life (one year now) it's truly just been amazing.
I find that I don't stress out anymore over my xbf, and I don't react to him anymore as I would've done in the past. I simply surrender it up to Him. I know He is in control.

That's how I know I will be okay 🙂
That and the fact that I am so confident in myself now. I know who I am and what I want out of life. I also NEVER want to lose myself again.

I will pray for you !!!! The power of prayer is an amazing thing.

July 17, 2008
6:57 pm
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Well, I am going to look at this as a divine meeting then. You need help with this and so do I. And we both know in our hearts, and I know that I can not speak for you, but this is a matter of breaking free of past hurts, and who knows what else, and being free. Not only being free of all of this but staying free.

I am sorry for the pain you feel. I do understand it, and I am glad that you have shared it here. In my eyes you are a spiritual giant who is a real person. But I can totally relate to the ONE person syndrome. My sister is the same all of the time with everyone. We grew up in the same family. We are 6 years apart, but she is perfectly happy with herself, and I just don't understand how she does it. I could probably pinpoint why I am like I am and understand it, but being this way serves no purpose. I know the Biblical love God has for me, and for you and anyone, but this is a struggle, a huge one. Do you think part of it has to do with 'shame' at a very young age?

I like what Giggles said in the thread on Support side about writing down things. I am going to try that.

Then Ma, you know as a counselor, it is important to counsel people according to their needs. All people have different needs, different restoration. Do you think this category calls for being all things to all people? Even this is confusing to me, but I will continue to pray.

I am so glad that you shared with me about all of this. What do you make of it? I will be praying for you in regard to what you have shared here. I did read about your husband on the Support side. The problem seems to be that you know in your head that it was not your fault, but in your heart, you believe that it was. I am sorry that you are feeling this pain. I'll ask God to remove it from you, and to give you a fresh new outlook. (((((Ma Strong)))))

I always thought that pride was being boastful or arrogant, but it is also having low self-esteem. Both involve distrust. Gee, I KNOW alot. I know what I should do, could do. It isn't that I do not know, it is not knowing how to put it into practice...what it takes to do that, unless it s just faith in action....which at times is easier said than done, and there is that 'knowing in the head thing again, but the heart doesn't follow' contradiction. This is definitely a stumper!

July 17, 2008
6:59 pm
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MA, above post for you, Giggles I will come back to write you 🙂

July 17, 2008
7:06 pm
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Giggles_29
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(((Strong))) I just wanted to say you are not bad !! You are a wonderful,caring,genuine person who has alot of compassion for others.

I enjoy reading your threads and all of your responses. You sure do have a way with words. !!!

July 17, 2008
7:07 pm
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Giggles,

I'll go back and read your posts in the Before and After Change thread, thank you for the reference.

Your heart is an inspiration, truly. I can see God in your heart, and He is beautiful inside of there! 🙂 What you share is encouraging. I don't have any desire to be in a relationship now either, however someday I hope to be again, and I want it to be healthy from beginning to end. I am enjoying myself now as well, but I still do not know who I am. Writing down what I like??? Such a challenge about some areas, but I am going to do it; pray about it first, then start doing it.

I am glad you have had a victory in this area in your life. The great thing is that now you can share it with others as you have here!

July 17, 2008
7:15 pm
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StronginHim77
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Thank you, both of you for your kind words and encouragement.

Yes, I believe prayer is part of the answer. I have always said that Jesus is the only therapist with a 100% cure rate! We are all works in progress...

- Ma

July 17, 2008
8:02 pm
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Ma,

Better to remember that as well. It ie too easy to get too focused on the problem, and totally forget the victory coming through Jesus!

July 18, 2008
2:11 pm
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Giggles_29
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(((OMW))) (((Ma Strong)))
You are very welcome to have shared my story. I really hope that those struggling can see it really is possible to come out of the dark and into the light as they say. 🙂

Yes I am soooooo thankful and grateful to have gone through all I have. Otherwise I wouldn't have God in my life and I wouldn't be where I am or who I am today, I know that for a fact.

I have no regrets. My life has just been so blessed and I am in awe of it all. 🙂

July 18, 2008
4:19 pm
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Giggles, your happiness is catching! What is that verse in the Bible: "A merry heart makes one glad, but an unhappy heart makes one sick."...or something like that.

You know, I thought this morning, wonder where I would be in life if I had not allowed fear to control me? What if I had trusted in God all of those times I acted on my own, or shrunk back in fear.

July 18, 2008
5:09 pm
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Giggles_29
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(((OMW))) It took me 13, almost 14 yrs to get where I am today.

As I have said before I accepted God a year ago, and it is amazing to know I can just surrender all my struggles up to Him. I don't have to make myself sick anymore with stress, not eating, etc... which is never a good thing anyway, I have a little girl who needs me.

It surely took some hard work and just me hitting my "rock bottom" as they call it. I was so sick and tired of being lost and unhappy. The day my daughter was born all that started to change. She is truly my blessing from above.

I am glad my happiness is catchy 🙂
You so deserve to be happy and free !!!!!!!! @--]--------

July 18, 2008
5:31 pm
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Thank you Giggles. 🙂

July 18, 2008
5:39 pm
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StronginHim77
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"A merry heart is good medicine; but a broken spirit dries up the bones."

- Ma

July 18, 2008
5:54 pm
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Hi Ma,

Yes that is the one....so much truth to that, thank you for the exact quote.

How are you today?

July 18, 2008
5:55 pm
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Giggles_29
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Omw, you are very welcome !!!!

My new favorite quote is: "Let go and let God"..... so simple yet sooo true.

I did just that. I realized that my way wasn't working anymore. So I let go of the reigns and let Him take over. His way is so much more affective than mine was. 🙂

I really do believe that once you can let go of the past and worrying about what has already happened, or what hasn't happened yet (future), you can truly focus on TODAY and living in the PRESENT !!!! What a gift it is to be able to do that.

July 18, 2008
6:36 pm
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I agree with you Giggles. I guess it really all boils down to being our best with what God has given us, to do any less is a disservice to God and ourselves.

I like your quote to, Let go and Let God. So much truth to that as well.

I meant to say though the one about a merry heart is not a "quote" per say, but it is in the book of Proverbs. Biblegateway.com will tell me where. Need to look!

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