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nothing right
June 3, 2010
3:36 pm
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classycat
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sometimes i feel like its never right or enough..... ahhhhhhh....... sometimes it feels like no matter if i am nice and bend over backwards to help and be there for people even my whole family its not enough or good enough, but when i am a bitch or say no which dosent happen very ofter if ever its still not right. today i feel like trapped rat in a box looking for the right door. i cant do, say, go or try enough for anyone and the bad part is i cant seem to say no.... someone please help me what do i do??????? i know life can t always be fair but for some reason it seems like its even more unfair for people who are good citizenz, loving people and do gooders, and the others are protected.

my other problem is that i am over ran with emotions laughing, fear, crying, hatred, selfishness, selflessness, and loads others i am ran by emotions and unfortunatley let them over take me. how do i stop this process, please advise i really welcome any. 🙂

June 3, 2010
3:55 pm
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Hepburn
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(((classycat)))

Why are you bending over backwards for anyone? Did they ask for your help with something?

I used to try and "help" people all the time too. I realized they didn't ASK for my help. Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them and that's it.

I also found that when I let people use me as a door mat (by never saying no) I lost their respect. And more importantly I lost SELFrespect.

I felt the only way to validate myself was to get approval from other people.

Pick up a copy of Melanie Beatty's "Codependent No More".

Take baby steps with saying no and developing some boundaries. The book will help you with this. And before you know it you won't feel like that trapped rat.

Love,

Hep

June 3, 2010
8:10 pm
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classycat
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thanks for the advise. i am reading that book right now. it is helping me i am soo emotionally driven and i want to know how to stop that because it hurts to react w emotion and hard to fix especially with my exhusband who is bi polar and always on an emotional rollercoaster. i was in a 12 year abusive relationship with him and in the past 2 years i have been with someone else who is wonderful by the way 🙂 but everyone says he still controlls me AHHHH how do i set boundaries with him when i am always acting on emotion..... i am only about a quarter of the way through the book is this covered in it?????

June 4, 2010
2:48 am
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Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
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September 29, 2010
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When I read the book, I skipped around and read different chapters, depending on what I was going through at the time.

I would suggest you go to a CoDA web site or better yet a meeting in your area. They sell literature that will help you with the steps you need to take to start in any area. The pamphlets are REALLY helpful. I kept my "Boundaries" booklet on my nightstand for quite a few weeks in the beginning. And I had to drag it out again about a month ago.

Do you share children with your x? How is he controlling you? Just my opinion but your bf must be a pretty patient guy. I just broke up with my bf because he was still being controlled by his x wife and I was tired of being in a 3 way relationship. There were other reasons too, but that was a big problem.

My xh is bi-polar too. It took me a while to understand that I don't owe him anything. He's my x for a reason. The only time I talk to him is if it has to do with our children and that's it. Otherwise I don't talk to him. I keep it strictly business. Saying no to him was hard at first, but once I did it a few times I realized that the world didn't stop and I didn't turn into a puddle of goo. (And that goes for other people in my life as well) Now he only asks me to do something if it's really needed.

Getting healthy and healing is a process. It doesn't happen over night. One of the hardest things for me was being patient with myself. And I still have to work at that sometimes. But like they say in CoDA and AA; "It works if you work it".

Love,

Hep

June 4, 2010
2:52 am
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Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
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Oh, and I just posted something on this side about emotions! Check out the "In this moment" thread.

Hep

June 4, 2010
2:56 am
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chinadoll
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September 24, 2010
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Hi classycat,

I was also in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband. He is also bipolar, so I know the emotional roller coaster.

I learned to stop explaining myself to other people. Nothing stops them from speaking up, so why should I not speak up?

I learned to stop reacting by emotion by taking time to not react right away. Just to not do anything right away and think things thru.

I learned to feel all of my feelings, and accept them no matter if they were good or bad feelings. I spent so many years being emotionally detached as a way for protecting myself from the abuse, that it was so hard for me to feel anything for so long. I was not able to tell people how I felt. Like, I knew inside how I felt, but could not put it into words for other people to understand.

It is ok to say no. Be true to yourself. If you don't want to do something, be honest. Say that you wish you could help, but are not able to right now. You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself first.

I learned that no matter what you do or do not do, someone is not going to be happy. So I don't worry about it anymore so much about what others think.

The ones that truly love you will understand you and know you are not perfect, and they will not expect you to be. The others, it should not matter what they think or if they get mad.

{{HUGS}}

June 7, 2010
3:32 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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September 30, 2010
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I believe my mom is bipolar, you can not be around people who are ticking time bombs, these people will go from being so sweet to pulling out a gun on you...been there, experienced that...

There are some people who we need to put into a box and tuck away on a shelf and then close that door and lock it....

(((HUGS)))

June 12, 2010
3:32 pm
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formerly
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OMG. (((BAREFOOTGIRL)))

yes, I have experienced the type. Not the gun part, but he sweetness to stranglulation sort of thing. Maybe the person is only faking it when they are nice, in order to "make it" in the world -- or in order to get what they want. I know that styfling something only makes it build until it explodes. But then there is the chemical thing. Stress too could cause people to lose it. But pulling a gun without provocation is so scary. What in the world is she doing with a gun?

June 12, 2010
4:22 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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September 30, 2010
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Well she has a permit to carry one...and when my sister told my father about it...he made excuses for her and then my sister forgave her cause the christian thing to do:(

My mom can be very sweet at times...she does a lot of volunteer work within the church...people like her...

Me...well I never threathened anyone with a gun, not that I am perfect, we all know what a horrible person I am on here...:( I give up...I can never win.

June 3, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
classycat
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sometimes i feel like its never right or enough.....
ahhhhhhh....... sometimes it feels like no matter if i am nice and
bend over backwards to help and be there for people even my whole
family its not enough or good enough, but when i am a bitch or say
no which dosent happen very ofter if ever its still not right.
today i feel like trapped rat in a box looking for the right door.
i cant do, say, go or try enough for anyone and the bad part is i
cant seem to say no.... someone please help me what do i do???????
i know life can t always be fair but for some reason it seems like
its even more unfair for people who are good citizenz, loving
people and do gooders, and the others are protected.

my other problem
is that i am over ran with emotions laughing, fear, crying, hatred,
selfishness, selflessness, and loads others i am ran by emotions
and unfortunatley let them over take me. how do i stop this
process, please advise i really welcome any. 🙂

June 3, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((classycat)))

Why are you
bending over backwards for anyone? Did they ask for your help with
something?

I used to try and
"help" people all the time too. I realized they didn't ASK for my
help. Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them and
that's it.

I also found that
when I let people use me as a door mat (by never saying no) I lost
their respect. And more importantly I lost SELFrespect.

I felt the only
way to validate myself was to get approval from other
people.

Pick up a copy of
Melanie Beatty's "Codependent No More".

Take baby steps
with saying no and developing some boundaries. The book will help
you with this. And before you know it you won't feel like that
trapped rat.

Love,

Hep

June 3, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
classycat
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks for the advise. i am reading that book right now. it is
helping me i am soo emotionally driven and i want to know how to
stop that because it hurts to react w emotion and hard to fix
especially with my exhusband who is bi polar and always on an
emotional rollercoaster. i was in a 12 year abusive relationship
with him and in the past 2 years i have been with someone else who
is wonderful by the way 🙂 but everyone says he still controlls me
AHHHH how do i set boundaries with him when i am always acting on
emotion..... i am only about a quarter of the way through the book
is this covered in it?????

June 4, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

When
I read the book, I skipped around and read different chapters,
depending on what I was going through at the time.

I would suggest
you go to a CoDA web site or better yet a meeting in your area.
They sell literature that will help you with the steps you need to
take to start in any area. The pamphlets are REALLY helpful. I kept
my "Boundaries" booklet on my nightstand for quite a few weeks in
the beginning. And I had to drag it out again about a month
ago.

Do you share
children with your x? How is he controlling you? Just my opinion
but your bf must be a pretty patient guy. I just broke up with my
bf because he was still being controlled by his x wife and I was
tired of being in a 3 way relationship. There were other reasons
too, but that was a big problem.

My xh is bi-polar
too. It took me a while to understand that I don't owe him
anything. He's my x for a reason. The only time I talk to him is if
it has to do with our children and that's it. Otherwise I don't
talk to him. I keep it strictly business. Saying no to him was hard
at first, but once I did it a few times I realized that the world
didn't stop and I didn't turn into a puddle of goo. (And that goes
for other people in my life as well) Now he only asks me to do
something if it's really needed.

Getting healthy
and healing is a process. It doesn't happen over night. One of the
hardest things for me was being patient with myself. And I still
have to work at that sometimes. But like they say in CoDA and AA;
"It works if you work it".

Love,

Hep

June 4, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh,
and I just posted something on this side about emotions! Check out
the "In this moment" thread.

Hep

June 4, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chinadoll
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi
classycat,

I was also in an
abusive relationship with my ex-husband. He is also bipolar, so I
know the emotional roller coaster.

I learned to stop
explaining myself to other people. Nothing stops them from speaking
up, so why should I not speak up?

I learned to stop
reacting by emotion by taking time to not react right away. Just to
not do anything right away and think things thru.

I learned to feel
all of my feelings, and accept them no matter if they were good or
bad feelings. I spent so many years being emotionally detached as a
way for protecting myself from the abuse, that it was so hard for
me to feel anything for so long. I was not able to tell people how
I felt. Like, I knew inside how I felt, but could not put it into
words for other people to understand.

It is ok to say
no. Be true to yourself. If you don't want to do something, be
honest. Say that you wish you could help, but are not able to right
now. You can't take care of others if you don't take care of
yourself first.

I learned that no
matter what you do or do not do, someone is not going to be happy.
So I don't worry about it anymore so much about what others
think.

The ones that
truly love you will understand you and know you are not perfect,
and they will not expect you to be. The others, it should not
matter what they think or if they get mad.

{{HUGS}}

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
BAREFOOTGIRL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I
believe my mom is bipolar, you can not be around people who are
ticking time bombs, these people will go from being so sweet to
pulling out a gun on you...been there, experienced
that...

There are some
people who we need to put into a box and tuck away on a shelf and
then close that door and lock it....

(((HUGS)))

June 12, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
formerly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMG.
(((BAREFOOTGIRL)))

yes, I have
experienced the type. Not the gun part, but he sweetness to
stranglulation sort of thing. Maybe the person is only faking it
when they are nice, in order to "make it" in the world -- or in
order to get what they want. I know that styfling something only
makes it build until it explodes. But then there is the chemical
thing. Stress too could cause people to lose it. But pulling a gun
without provocation is so scary. What in the world is she doing
with a gun?

June 12, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
BAREFOOTGIRL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well
she has a permit to carry one...and when my sister told my father
about it...he made excuses for her and then my sister forgave her
cause the christian thing to do:(

My mom can be very
sweet at times...she does a lot of volunteer work within the
church...people like her...

Me...well I never
threathened anyone with a gun, not that I am perfect, we all know
what a horrible person I am on here...:( I give up...I can never
win.

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