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Not Where I Want to Be.
May 20, 2007
12:12 pm
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Juanita
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September 27, 2010
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Today is my wedding anniversary. Whoop-te-do. Marks another year of what I've done without and lived with. Not sure if I'm more mad at me, at him, or life in general.

You see, almost 5 yrs ago, my spouse "teased" me, if not daily, weekly, about wanting to try swinging. He "teased" me for a year. Long story short, I had told him many times that life style was not for me & that I didn't want to do it. Eventually, I went to counseling cuz I was so depressed. Bleah, bleah, yada yada... (People who've been here for years know my story) Anyway, he said he wouldn't tease me anymore...

Needless to say, another year later, the teasing began again. He thought it safe after all that time. Nope. Not safe. Back into counseling I go. Not sure if I love my spouse anymore. We tried marriage counseling. Well.... he went 3-4 times. He said he never realized just HOW much this stuff hurt me & now he truly realized & would not do anything to hurt me again. Bleah, bleah, yada, yada.

Over this past Christmas/ New Years he was pressuring me to display some affection to him ~ that he is a loving, loyal, and trustable guy. Almost had me convinced. Then, what? 2 days or so after Christmas I discover him looking at a female's profile. I went digging and found out he has posted a profile on Adult Friend Finder... America's largest swinging network. His profile described him accurately, and contained he was married to his "one and only" but wondered what he was missing, and was seeking a "descreet" relationship with a single female or couple. I tried to trap him, creating a false profile. He didn't respond to it. I couldn't take the suspense anymore, and confronted him. He laughed saying 'is that all your mad about?' He said 'I told you about that site'. [Yeah, he told me months previous that he had discovered it & asked me if I wanted to look at it, to which I replied No, that stuff is gross. I didn't know he continued to go there, much less most a profile!] Wasn't he also supposed to be giving up this stuff back when? His explaination is that he was only looking & keeping it secret from me as he knew it bothered me... that I hadn't made my boundaries clear enough ~ he didn't know looking at a swinging website was off limits. Long story short, I told him I had contacted a divorce attorney. He pleaded 'no, don't leave me, it was a mistake, lets delete that profile right now, I'll never do it again, I didn't know HOW sensitive you were to this stuff, I know if I screw up again that you'll divorce my butt.'

Two months after that I discover he created a new email address to converse with a woman he met on another, pagan, website (that he had told me about her, but in a manner that he was trying to learn more about Wicca - he said it was platonic). While I had his old email address, I had the comfort of checking into what they wrote. I told him so long as there was nothing flirtatious or kinky ~ ok. But now... he had created a new address that he had not revealed for a number of weeks. When I asked him about that, he said he didn't want to upset me coming off of the big misunderstanding from around the holidays. That she had suggested the new addresses as her husband wouldn't understand their corresponding. Gee, sounds all so nice & platonic to me huh? I consulted my atty again...

The cost for a divorce is about $2,500. A friend of mine offered to help me with that part, but with what I'd be able to collect in child support, I'd be at Minimum $400-$600 a month short for basic living expenses. I started searching for a p/t job to help make ends meet. There are none around. I feel like I'm begging for a p/t job! I am filling with resentment.

My parents won't help. They are of the generation that unless a woman is battered, stay where you are at. Mom's best friend, well, her hubby cheated a few times & they are still happily married! I have no siblings or anyone else.

His folks think me insecure & that I should "just get over it... All he did was look". Unfortunately, some of my local friends think the same way. "Better to have a man than raise the kids alone.... think of the kids."

Economically, I make too much to qualify for any financial aid. Sure the local pantry said I could get free bread and baskets for the kids at Easter or Christmas time, but that's not gonna help week to week life.

I no longer love my husband. He has shown that what matters most to me, means little to him. He has disrespected me and over rode my emotions a number of times. How many times am I supposed to "forgive & forget" and still maintain that good old feeling of love for him? Know what he is interested & still feel desire for him? Know that I have objected & he still finds way to "look".

So, I want a divorce. I want to leave but I can't afford it. He won't leave either, won't give me a separation... says he can't afford it either. He has been told outright I am not in love, I don't want sex, I cannot afford to leave. He says if I divorce him to make it fair and not make him go into poverty so he can also give the kids a good life when they are with him. If I can't afford a place with child support, he makes the same as I do, he's never going to afford anything after paying child support.

I hate being guilted, but I don't want my children to suffer.

He is a decent man. Our morals are just different apparently. He works, comes home, plays with the kids, fixes things.

I hate this economic situation. I resent being stuck.

Not only that, I have stopped wearing my wedding bands. Haven't worn them in months. In that time, 3 nice men have shown interest in me & asked me out! There is nothing I can do. I say I'm sorry I can't. I am still married, (and not the kind of woman to have an affair). So, even IF I liked one of these men, there is nothing I can do. I get resentful at the feelings of Hope these men give. What good is Hope when you can do nothing with it? I wonder if I should put my *^@#$(% rings back on to prevent Hope from even happening.

So, I am full of anger & frustration at many levels today.... I just needed to vent. It is so aggrievating to have had Hope for my marriage so long, to have taken so long to come to a realization that these things are not going to change in my marriage, to know what I want to do, and to be stuck due to such a thing as money.

Also visited my parents today & they asked me what I'm gonna do.... if we are going to be putting in a vegetable garden this year. I told them I can't do anything right now & will have to remain where I'm at for now. They said, "Well that's good. Make the best of it." (that didn't help me any)

Errrrrrrrrr!

I just needed to vent, & appreciate your listening. I shall keep plugging away at what I can (job hunting), and am forced to make the "best" of my situation that I can. As I had been told by friends & family, I am not the only one stuck like this... Others have lived thru it & so will I. Just the motto of the site rankles in my mind "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than what you settled for."

Frustrating!

May 20, 2007
12:58 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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"I hate this economic situation. I resent being stuck."

"So, I am full of anger & frustration at many levels today.... I just needed to vent. It is so aggrievating to have had Hope for my marriage so long, to have taken so long to come to a realization that these things are not going to change in my marriage, to know what I want to do, and to be stuck due to such a thing as money."

I don't believe that I have posted to you before, but I have just discovered that I REALLY need to get out of my marriage as well. I am young, (30), but I have four kids, no college education, and am very alone. I know that nobody will stand beside me but I am NOT happy. I cannot live this way anymore. Juanita, I have to believe that there is hope for us. I have to. I will keep you in thought, as though our situations are SO different...the same thing is keeping us unhappy.

Thinking of you...I believe in us, and our happiness.

Mich

(((Juanita)))

May 20, 2007
2:23 pm
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needtoheal
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September 24, 2010
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((Juanita))

I am living proof that you can get out of an unhappy marriage and survive. I am glad that I decided to get out of my marriage. I am not exactly where I want to be right now but I know that I am better off being a single mother with two young boys than be unhappily married.
I know that it is frustrating and difficult but believe me, it is possible..

love,
NEED

May 20, 2007
2:54 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((juanita & mich))

Need is right. You CAN get out of your marriage and survive. I will be honest and tell you it is hard, but the freedom you gain from the every day bein pulled down and hurt is enough to keep you goin. The not ever wanting to live like that again is big enough to help you do w/ a bit less sleep and a lot more responsibility. Then there is the kids... the difference you will see in your kids when you take them out of an abusive home and put them in a home w/ peace. That for me was my incentive to keep going when I thought I could not.

Yes, ladies, there is hope. You have to want it and be willing to go the extra miles it takes tho to obtain it. And it is, imo, very much worth it.

May 20, 2007
5:17 pm
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needtoheal
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September 24, 2010
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Juanita

I tried for the longest time to hold on to my marriage (a marriage that my ex chose to end and not work out our differences), and I wanted to do so because my children were only 3 and 14 months old at the time.. He was the one to walk out.. I was the one who ultimately decided to end it in divorce..

As far as the children are concerned, what is BEST for the children is that they have a stable, consistent and loving environment.. whether that is as part of an intact family or NOT..!!!

Yes, it is financially difficult to raise kids on child support (or in my case a part-time job and term alimony which ends this YEAR)... However, it is FAR worth the struggle than to have my children see my misery in begging their father to come back; They are now 7 and 9 years old.. My youngest does not even remember his father living here (how could he; he was just starting to take steps!!)... My oldest son does remember at the age of 3 but what he remembers most is his me crying all the time.. and us arguing...

What bothers me is that there is divided loyalties in divorce circumstances.. However, when a parent goes on with their life the kids are able to "see" things for what they truly are; without any bad-mouthing about the other..

Don't give up; it is possible... I know that I felt the same way as you did; it unfortunately takes time..

love,
NEED

May 21, 2007
4:37 am
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sleepless in uk
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September 30, 2010
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Hi Juanite, it's nice to hear from you and get an update. I have wondered how you were doing.

Once again my situation is similar to yours. I too have decided that my marriage must end but am finding the practicalities overwhelmingly difficult.

My h wont leave either, and trying to rent somewhere at a price I can afford with my 3 kids is proving very challenging. But I am not going to give up this time. I am conrinuing to try to get things ready and to be prepared...at least emotionally.

I understand your reluctance to do something that will have an adverse effect on your children. I have tussled with this too.

But I have reached the conclusion that the present situation affects them adversely....and the only one who can change it is me

Keep us posted as to your progress. I am sending positive vibes and much strength to you

take care love Sleepless

May 21, 2007
9:26 pm
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Juanita
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September 27, 2010
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Thank you all for your kind words. It is just frustrating.

Networked with a legal secretary I know, asked her if they needed extra help to let me know & she said she'll look around for me.

One bit of good news today (after I got the $600 estimate for van repair), my name was pulled for a social event at work. One of our companies is hosting an outting at a winery and I am getting to go... though my boss did say, not too much wine sampling! 🙂 No matter what, it is a paid afternoon away from the desk with a nice luncheon and tour of a winery. I might bring a bottle home though!

Got to fly. thank you again everyone for your kind words. Keeping everyone in my thoughts that all works out well for all of us!

Juanita

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