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new to God / confused about my marriage
September 5, 2009
7:09 pm
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mistygirl
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My heart is devoted to living for God,and keeping myself faithful; my husband recently "fell back" into the world and making my life very difficult. Is there ever a time it's ok to leave a marriage possibly to save myself from losing my relationship with God?

September 5, 2009
8:07 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Misty, I don't want you to feel discouraged but I can't answer the question. Wait for Ma Strong. She is an ordained minister.

Bitsy

September 5, 2009
8:24 pm
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mistygirl
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I just wish I had someone to talk to about all this. He is making my spirit so sad.. It's like he doesn't care at all about my feelings and he pretty well knows he has me to a point I can't do anything right now. No job, no where to go, and trying to live in the house with him (when he is @ home) is more and more of a challenge every day. I'm so tired of being put after his friends. but he sees it as I'm a prude! We live more like brother and sister than we do a married couple. I feel like I'm living a fools life. So tired...so tired.

September 5, 2009
9:14 pm
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For now he has yu oe a barrell. Pray to God for guidance. I believe Ma will tell you that if he is no longer in a covenant relationship and treating you as "a bride of Christ" that you are within bounds to leave. Tonight I cannot think straight on this issue. If Ma doesn't show up I will try to post in the morning. Keep posting and maybe someone else will show up. ( It isn't that I am ignoring you, I just am nursing my spirit tonight.)

Bitsy

September 6, 2009
8:07 am
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Misty, you said that you are new to your faith. Has your husband joined you in your faith and then fallen away or has he not joined you at all.

Sometimes we are used to a person being one way and then they change and it is hard for us to adjust.

If you are a new Christian and he is not a Christian, I am sure his head is spinning and he is wondering where is the wife I married? This is your best opportunity to show him God's love.

Not knowing more about the situation I can't say more than that.

Bitsy

September 6, 2009
8:40 am
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mistygirl
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He actually is the one that brought me "back " to God. everything was perfect for a few month. I've never been happier in the 27 years we've been married. Never been as close as we were then. 3 years ago he bought a motorcycle that I was totally against but he did it anyway. We cannot afford it and stay a payment behind all the time and finacially we keep going down hill. I am not a "bike" rider and he knew that when he bought it. But every weekend he rides with his friends, they do the "bar" scene and drink and in his words have the best time ever.While I sit here @ home wondering if he's coming home tonight. In the past 5 weeks he has not come home until the morning hours any where from 4:00 - 7:00 am drunk and then gets mad because I'm mad. He says that he is going to enjoy his life and can't help it that I don't want to. He tells me that I don't like to do anything that he likes; and he's right. I don't like to ride the bike I don't want to do the bar scene and alot of his friends are not the kind of people I want to be around, I don't think it's appropriate for a Christian to be @ the places he goes and I can't stand to hear the cussing and vulgar talk, and people using my Lord's name in vain. I am misserable and stay so stressed out. I'm even afraid of what others will say including my grown married son who is also a Christian and becoming a minister of God. I've prayed and prayed but can't find scripture to help me through this. I know adultery is reason for divorce but I'm not sure that has occured. He still wants me in that area of our marriage, when he wants it, and then I get in my head that as his wife I am suppose to met his needs. But recently he has made that part of our marriage vulgar as well. Do I tell him its over and We will just live in the same house until I can find a job and set myself up to move out? I'm job searching this week but the job market is really bad in our area right now. Please help me justify all this and my head doesn'y even think straight right now. I need help with a direct plan of action before I totally lose it!

September 6, 2009
11:37 am
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Then yes. That changes things. I think I would make an appointment with a minister and talk to them about this. I also think I would choose a minister from a different church than the one I attend. I would try to stay unemotional and just lay out the facts. I would get their perspective on the situation and then talk to my own minister. The reason I am suggesting this is your minister knows you and may be biased.

Bitsy

September 6, 2009
2:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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Hi, Misty...

Sorry, but I was out of town, visiting my elderly mother.

However, I have read your thread. As Bitsy mentioned, I am an ordained minister and I do "couples" counseling for anyone in need, not just those who attend my church. Here is my best spiritual advice, based on the information you provided.

Interestingly enough, part of my outreach has included bikers and biker bars. My interaction with them has taught me alot.

First of all, if you study the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke, you will see firsthand that Jesus chose to hang out with "socially unacceptable" people...ALL THE TIME. He was constantly getting challenged, even by His own disciples, by his decisions to have direct, social contact with those whom the Jews were to shun: Publicans, prostitutes, gentiles, tax collectors, lepers, adulterers...all the outcasts of religious, Jewish society.

There is a lesson to be learned there. I do not believe that we, Christians, are to "shun" anyone who does not share our beliefs or lifestyle. Now, I am not talking about stepping down to THEIR level. However, I believe we are, indeed, "the salt of the world." If we don't get out there around the unsaved and lost, how will they ever feel the love of Jesus? How will they ever encounter Him, if not through us?

It is also important that we not have a judgmental attitude. I never "wince" when others around me cuss or use vulgar language. I stand my ground peacefully. Over my years of working in prisons, halfway houses and with bikers, prostitutes and recovering alcoholic/addicts, I have found that my loving friendship usually brought about CHANGES IN THEM. They would begin editing their own language around me, out of respect for the love I had for them. They would modify and control their behavior(s), to acknowledge and reciprocate the respect and affection I offered them.

I believe this is the strategy for your husband. First...stop judging him. Next, begin loving him. Cook him meals he really enjoys. Do small, kind favors for him throughout the week. Don't sit up angry (or sulk and rage, etc. the next day) when he is out biking on the weekends. Make "home" a place where he feels loved and welcomed. I believe you will see a change, if you can do this. Love never fails.

As far as not being able to afford the bike, keep hunting for that part time job. When you land it, let your husband know -- with LOVE, not judgment or anger -- that you understand how important the bike is to him and you want to help him stay current with it, financially. Then, give him a loving hug and walk away quietly.

It will leave his head spinning.

He is used to rebelling against your anger and judgment, using that as justification for his (very poor) behavior. I certainly do not endorse him hanging out with his biker friends, instead of you. Nor do I think his heavy weekend drinking and coming in at all hours is OKAY. It is definitely NOT ok. However, you may be able to turn him around by changing yourself. Focus on YOURSELF and how you are treating him.

Are you showing him love? Affection? Respect? Support?

And why don't you ask him to take you for a bike ride one Sunday afternoon? This sounds like a power play on your part...refusing to ride the bike because you are angry about his "other life" which does not include you. I can understand your anger. It is justifiable. But it will NOT help to change his heart towards you. And isn't that what you want? Closeness and love with your husband again?

Try it. You have nothing to lose.

We accomplish more with unexpected kindness and generosity of spirit, than we do with judgment and anger. Change your attitude. Be patient. Get that job. Cultivate some activities and friendships with women at your church to do things with on the weekend nights when your husband is out biking and drinking. Don't just sit at home alone, nursing a pity-party and letting the resentment and bitterness increase.

I will be praying for you. This won't be easy...but it might work. I have seen it work, even in my own life and marriage (prior to being widowed).

My best to you,

- Ma Strong

September 10, 2009
2:04 pm
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caraway
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Hi Ma,

Just noticed this advice to Misty and wanted to comment. I am impressed with your ability here.

Speaking from personal experience with you I can tell that you live your life this way. I recall when I first read some of your post and felt that I would be judged because of your user name, and references to your beliefs (I recall being overly sensitive to your words). I now know that you embody the true spirit of God in that you are loving and accepting of others.

I hope Misty gets the peace that she needs.

Just wanted to say that today,

Cary

September 10, 2009
7:24 pm
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fantas
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Ma, I echo caraway here. It`s awesome to read your response to Misty. Very reassuring to see that you are all embracing. Thank you for your tact and insight.

I would also add that instead of waiting for him to do things with, find things you enjoy to do and do them. This would be a great time to join or start a cell group or devotional gathering. You could also go do other things with your friends. Girls nights out sound great. There is no reason why you and your husband can`t have a dinner date then he can hop on to the drinking gang and you go off with your girls and you all reconnect back at home for breakfast and to compare notes:)..

I`m not a believer in that the couple has to be together 24/7 and do everything together. Find a way to work with this. This is what Jesus would do. He is just as committed to his lifestyle as you are to yours.

Keep posting!!

September 11, 2009
11:58 am
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StronginHim77
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Thanks, Caraway and Fantas. You brightened my day!

- MA

September 11, 2009
2:18 pm
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Ma, you are my most valued spiritual advisor because we are anonymous I can tell you the unvarnished truth about myself and get a response. Thank you for hanging out here with us. I will be attending my second Celebrate Recovery Meeting tonight.

Bitsy

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