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Need book suggestion about addiction - Shaney
April 18, 2008
8:33 pm
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Shaney
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Hey guys -

My father in law recently had a full blow nervous breakdown after 35 years of being married to his wife, who is addicted to prescription medication and on line shopping. He's recovering now, and actually attempting to understand his situation rather than accepting it and enabling it. Any books out there for partners of addicts that would appeal to an older man? Thanks in advance.

April 18, 2008
10:00 pm
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Hey, Shaney!

How's that for serendipity - I'm just back from the bookstore with a new book that looks good:
The Missing Peace: Solving the Anger Problem for Alcoholics, Addicts and Those Who Love Them by John Lee.

The blurb on the back jacket says, "The best-kept secret to Recovery Revealed:
If you or someone you love is navigating their way through recovery, there's one thing that will either be a roadblock or a catalyst on the journey: a true understanding of anger. Unfortunately, most recovery programs don't properly address anger, and many times, this leads to relapse or a rougher transition, even for people who don't consider themselves 'angry'."

I'll come back with a book review when I'm done reading... good wishes to you and your loved ones :o)

love, kroiks

April 18, 2008
10:16 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey, Shaney! So good to see you around!

I dont have any suggestions, but what strikes me is *kroyka*´s book focussing on anger to deal with addicts.

A while back a friend´s doctor told her that there are three types of people in the world the ones who give too much and are angry for that, the ones who take too much and are angry for that, and the ones in the field of the fair.

If anger is at the root of the problem it might be worth finding more about what !field of the fair! is all about. Didnt get the English words for it, that literal translation, I couldnt research more. But there may be a good recipe in letting go of anger and associated feelings for better living.

What really triggered his breakdown, btw?

prayers and hugs

April 18, 2008
10:56 pm
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All I could find out so far is that the field of the fair can be the field of the just and thus take a religious conotation since its discussed in the Bible... Found no relation to givers and takers.

So without digressing, living with addicts is a challenge to me regarding not falling into either perpetrator´s or victim´s role, in either case holding anger within oneself. Why? Because its damn hard not to get enmeshed in the distorted thinking of an addict mind. Especially a brilliant one.

If being married 35 years to someone who was or became an addicted person led to your fil´s breakdown, it maybe well be that solving the anger and accepting thats the way his wife functions would help. It may seem a bit like giving up on the other person but this other person has free will and options.

Sorry that isnt a book reference, Shaney, bear with me.

April 19, 2008
12:25 am
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Hi Shaney,

Here's a couple more:

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Mate, M.D. (Knopf, 2008)

WHEN SOCIETY BECOMES AN ADDICT by Anne Wilson Schaef (San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1987)

Understanding Addiction by Elizabeth Connell Henderson ( University Press of Mississippi, 2000 - available from amazon.com)

And a useful website,
http://www.addictionmanagement.....iction.htm
Center for Addiction Management – includes "Top 5 Things You Should Know About Addiction"

April 19, 2008
12:29 am
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note re "Hungry Ghosts", author's surname has an acute accent on the "e" but I can't show it with my keyboard. It's pronounced "Ma-tay".

April 19, 2008
7:44 am
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needtoheal
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Hi Shaney, Shini, & Kousin Kroika..

I don't have a book suggestion just yet for you Shaney...

but as far as the issue of anger I am re-reading

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft....

I posted to you, Shaney on the needtoheal thread on the support side. When you get a chance, stop by...

That goes for you too Sini & kousin Kroika..... PS is out of my life!!! Picked up the last of his things last Tuesday. He was angry that I had a cop there. Oh Well-- his problem, right?!!

((Shaney))-- thanks for your support. I smiled when I saw your post

((Sini))-- good to see you again

((Kousin Kroika)) -- As always, thinking of you.. By the end of this relationship, it became too intense. PS threw a bowl of ice cream at the tv -- chipped the tv screen.. Kicked in the dog crate... punched his computer monitor (busted it).. then on the final day, threatened me to break my collar bone like he did to his sister and that my children (who were downstairs) were going to hear their mom go "thump, thump, thump" down the steps...

But I have grown a lot since I came here in the fall of 2006.. I have made a lot of progress in dealing with Me -- my issue of lonliness

Hugs to all
~NEED

April 19, 2008
5:05 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks so much, my friends. It's good to see you all as well - I've missed you.

Kroiks - thank you so much for the suggestions. I'm going to the bookstore today and I'll read up more on the titles that you've given me. My fil has been enabling her behaviour for most of their marriage, and now that his own physical and mental health is at risk, I believe that he's finally able to let out the anger that he's been feeling all these years. He's got a lot of questions about the possible origins of her behaviour and how on earth someone could risk everything in their life for an addicition that seems so illogical. My thought, is to get him as much info as possible, while he seems to be open to it.

Sini - my fil has recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Since he has been soley responsible for taking care of his bedridden wife for the last 35 years, in addition to taking care of her mother who moved in 15 years ago, it seems that the thought of his own illness preventing him from taking care of those responsibilities, has pushed him over the edge. I found him a psychiatrist and my husband has taken him several times... which has given him the opportunity to share feelings that he's been supressing for so long. As he recovers from the breakdown, I can see that he's wanting to do things differently. My h and I have really been pressing him to open up by bringing up the addiction issues that his wife has, plus the damage that he has done to himself by enabling her. These subjects, until now, have never been talked about openly. It's about time. He deserves happiness too and I think that we just about have him convinced of that.

need - I'll check out your thread later today. I've got a few things to take care of around here, but I'll be back later. Thanks for your support as always :o)

April 19, 2008
6:04 pm
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So sorry about your fil, Shaney! He´s going thru a hard time. Hopefully he´ll find some light into the situation and not feel so bad. He´s sure getting some nice support from you and your h.

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