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Nappy...Response from Ma Strong
July 15, 2008
6:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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My dear friend,

You are in a Season of great transition and change, now that your job is coming to an end. That, in itself, would be alot to deal with. But you have more...your ex and your 23-year-old son. And you are facing the possibility of parting from the AAC threads (and your wonderful friendship with Horsefly), right when you need support and encouragement the most deeply.

Small wonder that you are feeling those surges of anger...that your feelings and reactions are becoming VERY emotionally intense. It is because of all the pressure you are under, my friend. You are being hit on ALL fronts: job (income), family (problem son), personal relationship (the toxic ex) and loss of support (leaving the AAC threads).

I'm not the greatest problem solver in the world, but I want to give you my best "take" on all four.

First, losing your job after all those years. This has been happening to MANY of my friends. Many companies are downsizing their overhead and payroll. The easiest way to reduce payroll/benefit expenses is to start with the senior employees (who make higher wages, by virtue of their longevity with the firm) and "retire them out." Then, they are replaced with younger, lower-wage personnel. This is happening EVERYWHERE. One of my closest friends just got involuntarily "retired" from her job of 25 years. She is only 58 and has no idea what she will do now.

Change (and finding new work/income sources) at any age is hard...but becomes increasingly difficult as we move up in age. With the passing of each, successive decade, we become less and less desirable as a potential hiree. I think your idea of going into catering/baking sounds like the best path. I also believe and trust that God will give you His Divine favor in this undertaking and prosper you, bringing you the clients you would need to make this commercially successful. The Word says that He will "establish the work of [your] hands." So, pray for His direction and trust Him to guide you through this new undertaking.

Next, your 23-year-old. I, too, have a son who is 23. Trust me: he has never been without a job for more than 24 hours. Twice, he lost his position as an A/C technician because of lay-offs. Once, a boss fired him because a general contractor took a disliking to him. Each time, he was on the phone and out banging on prospective employers' doors within HOURS of losing his job.

I have four young men (25/23/19/18) living in my big house. All four pay rent and their share of the utilities & cable. All pay ON TIME. All are expected to remain employed and conduct themselves responsibly. They may think they are grown men, (especially the two in their early twenties), but I still make them toe the line on getting to bed at a reasonable hour on worknights and keeping the house quiet for others who are trying to rest. All must clean up after themselves and cook their own meals. (I don't cook for them...too tired, after cooking for 25 years as a housewife/mother...SMILE).

And these are reasonable standards of behavior for our grown children. If they are going to live at home, they must be CONTRIBUTING to the household expenses (rent, utilities, cable, internet...whatever). Anyone who does not comply is out the door. They know that I will pack their stuff and leave it sitting on the lawn. And change the locks. It's my way or the highway. As a result, all of them are becoming very responsible, hardworking guys. If they sit up late, they have to go to work, no matter how tired. Reality.

If your son is not pounding doors to get a job at least 8 hours each day, put him out of your house. He ain't serious about getting work. He is banking on "Mom" taking care of him. He lost his job because he wanted to sit up late with his irresponsible buddies. Are you supposed to pay for HIS irresponsible choices? Of course not.

Real love has to be tough, sometimes. You are not doing him any good, by allowing him to sit around your house, eating your food and using your light bulbs, etc. NO WAY. And he stole your bank card? Attempted to steal money from you? I would have him out the door so fast, his head would be spinning. To be honest with you, I don't understand why you didn't evict him right then and there. When a kid steals from his own parent(s), it has to be dealt with on the spot. Get him out of your house. With no guilt and no regrets. Tell him why. Tell him you can't have someone inside your house whom you can't trust. And that you no longer trust him. He will have to earn it back by getting a job, finding a home, making his own way in life and PROVING TO YOU OVER TIME that he can -- once again -- be trusted. Not now. No quick fix on this one. He stepped over the line.

If you love him, give him the swift, firm consequences he needs and deserves. Otherwise, he will learn nothing. Someday, he will "escalate" these dishonest and irresponsible behaviors to a higher, possibly criminal level. And it won't be his mother he pulls it on. It will be with someone who will press charges. He's lucky you didn't.

So, show him the door. BEFORE the 25th. Get him out NOW. And change the locks.

As for your "ex," you know the stor

July 15, 2008
6:14 pm
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StronginHim77
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Sorry, I hit the button too fast. As for you "ex," you know the story on this man. He will say whatever he knows you want to hear, just to get his sorry butt back into your house (and your bed). But he has not changed. He is still the nightmare he always was. I know it is hard to be alone, especially when someone you have feelings for is calling and leaving you notes. But, remember that HE HASN'T CHANGED. He was bad to you then. He'll be bad to you now, if you give him the chance. He is a totally selfish man. Where was he when you were sick? Keep your memories clear. Write them down. Read your old postings. REMEMBER WHY HE IS TOXIC FOR YOU.

Don't take him back. Don't take his calls. Throw away his notes without reading them. He is nothing but a torment to your soul.

Remember that the devil attacks us THROUGH OUR RELATIONSHIPS. He is trying to wear you down through your own son. He is trying to wear you down through that evil ex. Because you are dealing with your job loss and he plays dirty. He fights below the belt, so to speak. He wants to hurt you, while you are feeling weary and vulnerable. You need God's wisdom and strength...to keep your eyes wide open, so you see what the devil is trying to do to you through these two people. WEAR YOU DOWN while you are weak.

Nappy, you got to close the door to both of them RIGHT NOW. Don't be waiting until the 25th when you are overwhelmed with all the changes you will face when your job ends. Get them out of the way now, so you have peace when that final day of work arrives.

Now, as far as going "offline?" You don't have to do that. Get a cheap desktop computer and use dial-up, if you have to. Get any kind of cheap internet access. Because it would not make sense for you to cut yourself off from your genuine friends here at AAC or from the rest of the world for that matter. We live in a computer world now, Nappy. And each of us needs internet access for EVERYTHING. You will need it to build your new business. Do your bookkeeping. Find new clients. Advertise your services. And it will be a deductible business expense. So do it. It is a necessity of life, these days. I am broke, but I still have my laptop and the internet. It keeps me in touch with fellow ministers, people who need me, important ministry contacts/events, etc. We all need internet access.

So, plan on it. And do it. And your friendship with Horsefly is genuine and wonderful. You, two, are close and have great understanding for one another. What a blessing!! Don't walk away from that. Even though these threads are anonymous, the friendships formed can be very real. Maybe better than "real life" because we can safely share some of our deepest fears and conflicts...our "dark" side and our sins...without having to be ashamed or embarrassed.

There. You have my "take" on your struggles. I am going to be praying for you, Nappy. I am asking the Lord to hold you close, to comfort you, to strengthen you and give you favor and wisdom. And to help you tackle these new undertakings, this new start in life with courage and faith. Trust Him, Nappy. He won't let you fall. He's brought you this far. Now, lean on Him and trust Him to help you build a happier, better future. And trust Him for the finances to have internet service in your home, even if it's just thru AOL for $15/month, using dial-up. However you choose to do it, DO IT.

Loving prayers are going up for you, my friend...be of good cheer. He is with you and will never leave you nor forsake you.

- Ma Strong

July 15, 2008
6:39 pm
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Giggles_29
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"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and, he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

((((Nappy))), This always reminds me of who is control 🙂 Please don't go offline. You have such great advice and are such an asset to this site.
Please take care of you. You are in my thoughts 🙂 Keep Posting!

July 15, 2008
6:43 pm
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nappy
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Ma,

Thank you so much. It is very hard to type with the tears flowing down my face. You have touch me so much and have been a friend to me when I needed one the most.
Thank you for your kind advice. I have been struggling for a while now. I guess holding all of my anger inside is doing nothing but making me bitter and I do not want to be a bitter woman. My anger is the type that I would hurt somebody, so I had to ask god to put a calm over me and he did.
I had brought boxes for my son to start packing. He was eating and then he started crying. I can't see his tears anymore. I brought into those tears so many times, trying to help him, trying to get him on his feet, trying to get him to understand that he have to take care of himself because nobody else will.
I finally got a cell phone yesterday. The home phone is being turn off. Then I am having my lock change to the house. My son already knows that he have cross the line. He is trying everything that he can to get me to be like I was but I just can't. He already knows that his time is up now.
My others two boys especially my oldest is very hard working boys, this one, I don't know. I had already told him that he was going to learn life the hard way and that there was nothing that I could do about it.

Well the day is drawing to an end but I will be back tomorrow to continue our little conversation. You have already brought me some mind peace to this situation. I already know that I have to let go, it just that the rope is slipping out of my hands and I already know that once it slip out, I can't catch it back.

Well you take care until tomorrow and I will be praying also. It is a shame that we mention anything about god in this day and age now. And people just don't understand that it is not our doing, it is the Lord.

Love
Nappy

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