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My whole being screams at night
September 20, 2004
5:37 am
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sweetlavender
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Well I'm new to this page. A bit lost is to what is happening to me. All I know is that I idealized a man for 20 years. Married him when I was 18 and he was 29. He was my high school teacher. I adored him. I would have done anything for him. I became an artist because he was an artist, I became a biker because he was a biker, I became a kayaker because he was a kayaker, I even became a teacher because he was a teacher. Over the years I had very few if any friends. I limited my freetime to whatever he wanted to do. I always felt very uncomfortable at parties because I didn't know what to say. I would stand next to Dave because I knew he would carry the conversation. I wrote a poem years ago that simply said....You are the sun, I am your shadow...and when it is high noon, I Am Nothing.

Yet, He treated me like a princess. When I needed something he would tell me how to fix it or how to think about it and that's what I did. He was God to me. He gave me the praise my father never gave me. He gave me the touch that my father never gave me. But low and behold, one day I felt hollow, I felt empty, I felt like a non person. I needed time alone, and when I told him this, he made me feel guilty and refused to open discussion for this. I suppressed feelings for five years until one day I just exploded. I FELT like I was dieing. I was so physically sick all the time. I broke away and went on a trip. When I came back my husband had moved a new girl into my house and from that moment on CUT me off. We were divorce five years ago after 20 years of marriage. He tells me he "fell out of love for me" His way of dealing with it all is to ignore me.
Now I find myself feeling abandoned, afraid, lonely, and unable to sleep at nights. How do I find myself and my stregnth again. Am I co-dependent?
Please repond.
L.

September 20, 2004
11:02 am
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lovesickpuppie
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hi sweetlavendar

ive kinda been there, idealizing this girl in much the same way , kinda still do, and i know how it feels the emptiness ect... but look out of your window one day, look at all those people, at work, at clubs, cafes and restaurants, that one man is not the only one in the world, sure he may seem perfect, but he obviously wasnt, now you can fill your life with new people, the ones you see through your window every single day. my point is there is more than one person for you, ive only just realised the same thing, not that its helping though! think positive lok in a mirror that nice kinda freindly person you see looking back is you, how many guys wouldnt fall for you? be positive! Oh and try posting on the support forum too! more hits that way!

September 20, 2004
3:39 pm
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Cici
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Yeah that sounds like codependency to me. I am a reationship addict, rather than a codependent, but my best advice is to seek a qualified therapist or counselor who you can talk about the deeper issues that led you to seek out a father-figure caretaker for a partner rather than an emotional equal.

I personally think that the best thing that we can do for ourselves is to seek personal fulfillment. If you are in a relationship of mutual respect that works cooperatively, that should follow as a matter of course. Being in a relationship which encourages you to stall out your emotional development is damaging because it puts you in the place of a child, mentally. Helplessness is not an issue. You are in control of your future, and your happiness.

You can spend a lot of time asking yourself why, or how...but I have really started to believe that you must simply make the decision and internalize the decision that you are living your life for you, and anyone who wants to contribute can come along for the ride, but otherwise you don't need them. We have to accept that ours is a society that values individualism to the extreme. That explains the capitalist success of so many entrepreneurs.

So, I've say the mantra that I've been saying to myself. Victor or victim, you decide how you want to think of yourself. This is an opportunity to learn about yourself.

Anyways, this is a good site for support. Good luck.

September 20, 2004
10:53 pm
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workinonit
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sweetlavender, not only is it codependency but this man is very controlling. Been there done that. What he did to you was PUNISH you.

Screw that!!!!

Think about why you were unhappy. Think about the life you may have wanted for yourself. Were you ever encouraged to try something different from him or his life? My guess is no in fact, my guess is if it came up you were totally discouraged (in a nice sweet covertly manipulative way)

Oh I am sorry. This causes me anger of my own to surface. Do not feel badly about a life that you now have back to do what you want with. Rejoice!!!! There is freedom in sight for you. You only need to think in a free way!!!

October 2, 2004
12:37 am
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Hi, Sweetlavender,

I hope you find some comfort by visiting this site.

Cici or anyone-

Can you explain to me a little bit about relationship addiction? Either here or on a new thread... don't want to take up space on sweetlavender's thread if it's not relevant. I've heard about it, but I've heard so much more about codependency. Any good books/or websites?

thanks,
-ella

October 2, 2004
2:57 am
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workinonit
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mzrella, I don't know about relationship addiction but, there is relationship insight on two threads here. Zen.... and I need insight.

Also I think the book Women who love too much is supposed to be a good one.

Keep posting!

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