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My safe place....the next chapter.....
December 10, 2007
9:18 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((kroika))))

Thanks once again for your support. I appreciate it highly. I intend to do well in what I am going to school to do. My heart is in it...completely...

Love....Michy

December 10, 2007
1:20 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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And Shaney...

I am BLESSED to hear that your tests are all coming back good. I just wanted you to know that.

How did things go with your mom yesterday? Good I hope....

((((Shaney)))) Thinking of you this early afternoon..

December 10, 2007
3:36 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Shaney...if you are reading this...can you offer some help, or encouragement...

Kissncamp is on a mission. I need some advice here. One of the other girls in my group just called. She is concerned for my safety. K hasn't threatened me, or anything to me OR to her. It all had to do with her behavior last week at group.

Even after our leader made it CLEAR in group last week, why there are to be no relationships within the group...she won't leave it alone.

My only safety is that she doesn't know my address. But, I guess that wouldn't be hard since she knows my phone number. She won't leave it alone. I am getting a little nervous.

I want to rip my hair out. She is starting to make me really nervous.

DAMN IT.....

Mich

December 10, 2007
3:39 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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P.S.~~ I just had a drink to try to mellow myself out over this. I have NEVER drank in the afternoon....I feel like I am losin my mind over this whole situation. I don't want to give up group, BUT...I can't do this anymore.

She called one day last week, and I talked to her. We were talking about food...and I said that I needed something sweet to eat....she told me that she was sweet and I could eat her. YUCK....

December 10, 2007
4:01 pm
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Shaney
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Alright, I might vomit. Some people just don't GETit until they FORCE you to hit them over the head with it. You tried the nice approach, but you may have to take the stern factor up a notch. Have you mentioned this to your group leader? I can't quite rememer. I know you pretty much handled the whole thing on your own and in person, but I can't remember if the group leader knew about any of it. She may be able to offer some really great advice, as I'm SURE that this happens quite a lot. But to lighten the situation in the mean time, just let her know that you enjoy her friendship, but the suggestive remarks are making you uncomfortable and you'd appreciate it if she can refrain. Is there a chance that she does this on purpose to try and make you uncomfortable? Do you know what I mean? Almost like a kid that you've scolded, does something bad to try and get some control back...

December 10, 2007
4:08 pm
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Shaney
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BTW, what are your friend's actual concerns for your safety? What did she mean by that? If she meant ANYTHING physical, then the group leader HAS to know. We aren't messing with any abuse of any kind ever again, my friend. If I have to come there an belt Miss Kissy over the head with a camp fire log, I will.

December 10, 2007
4:24 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Shaney...

We will see how well I do this with a baby in my lap....

We will call the other girl in my group D. D is concerned about my physical safety, yes. She is worried about me being stalked and stuff like that. She is starting to make me nervous.

I already briefly talked to our leader a couple of weeks ago. I am considering telling her that it is k or me in this group. I can't take this. It makes me very uncomfortable.

But, then I don't know. D is worried that she will start saying stuff to ruin my relationsip with my h. D really believes that she is crazy. I think that she has some major issues....but, I don't know. I don't like being this uneasy...AT ALL.

Yeah...that comment...that was a little wrong on a lot of levels.

D is pissed, because she sees this as a TOTAL form of sexual harassment. She thinks that it is so detrimental to my growth...and her concern is that I am not seeing it. I am laying there being walked on again.

I don't know. I am NOT attracted to her at all. I don't think that this is about D wanting me or anything else. While, I do believe that D really likes me, I don't think that is the issue.

Every female in that group is bi. They all went to the gay bar last week, and wanted me to go. I felt like I was being peer pressured. I held my ground pretty good. I was going to study. But, K followed me. I don't remember if I told you any of this or not.

I don't know....Shaney...I am going NUTS....NUTS I tell you.

It isn't like I am really that good in bed, and I don't even like sex. So, it is a lost cause anyway....WTF?? Ok, that may have been TMI...but, there you have it. A couple of good drinks...and I will psot justab out anything.

Mich

December 10, 2007
4:41 pm
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"If I have to come there an belt Miss Kissy over the head with a camp fire log, I will."

Ah, Shaney, you have a way with words :o))

And hard-drinking skoolgirl Mich.... sounds like "D" has some issues. Maybe you don't need to take on all her anxiety. Having seen you handle yourself around here, I would say that a comment such as "kampfire girl" made would not be such a huge deal to you. As long as you bring this stuff up in group and the leader knows what s/he is doing... my impression is you'll be okay. Especially if you have Shaney lurking in the background clutching a campfire log. Or have I missed something.

As for the "not too keen on sex" thing... I believe that can change. It just may not be miss kampfire girl's privilege to be the one that helps change it.

December 10, 2007
4:51 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Oh Miss kroika....

She will NOT be the one to change it. It won't happen.

As for the way that I handle myself around here....well, it is a little easier when, well, you don't have to see someone. Ya know what i mean??

I can be a real bitch if that is what I want, but, I don't like doing it. I have confronted her, I have told her to quit, I am not sure what to do. I really am not.

As for D. Well, I do trust her. She is a good person. Really. She is usually pretty accurate with her perceptions....I trust her, more than I do myself. I am not like panic stricken or anything...just don't want to worry about my safety...thats all.

Kampgirl scares me. I would feel better with Shaney beside me. But, from CA to MI, is quite the trip to put out K's sexual fire.

I don't know....I am at a loss. I have tried to tell myself that this will stop...but, I am thinking that it is otherwise...I don't know though.

Oh lordy...I think that I need another....ahhh hell, sure. I will. I will talk to you all when I know what the f I am doing.

kroika, you ahve moore faith in me than I do. I am just tired of fighting...really tired. I am 31, and just stinking tired...

It isn't the first time that I have feared for my safety with K. Hse makes me bervous..

Mandy

December 10, 2007
4:53 pm
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Shaney
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Are there any other groups out there that you could attend? This one is sounding like way more drama than you need. It's really hard to judge these people in your group, because you really don't know them all that well. You may know some of their darkest secrets because of the "group" situation, sure, but I really think some protective distancing may be in order - which means that any social even outside of group would be out . You really don't know them well enough to know their intentions - and after K's x-rated admission of love for you, who the hell can really tell what D wants. With everything that is going on in your life, and your attempts at trying to level your heart and mind out, this particular group sounds like it may be too much to deal with. Jeez! You go there to to get help with past abuse, not to be abused again! For the love of pete, I can't believe the fem-nuts on these girls. I really don't think giving the "it's her or me" ultimatum to the group leader, is the right thing to do. K possibly getting kicked out may send her into labor, which could come right back on you.

BTW, when you go out with a group of people (bi or straight) you shouldn't have to "hold your ground." These people seem too aggressive imo, and I don't think that it's good for your healing. Who needs to be f'ing tested in a setting that is suppose to be free of pressure?

December 10, 2007
5:03 pm
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Shaney
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If you went to another group, K's flame may die down a bit. I mean, without you there, K couldn't focus on your little marshmellow bisquit butt and imagine it on the end of her campfire skewer as she waited for it to get all golden and gooey.

I'm sorry - I'll be serious now, you little smore.

December 10, 2007
5:05 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You really know how to make the intoxicated giggle.....thanks.

December 10, 2007
5:06 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You know....Shaney...you could make millions writing gay campfire porn..

December 10, 2007
5:21 pm
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Shaney
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Hey, you may have something :o) . Our new office is located next to a porn production studio (nice crappy neighborhood to say the least), so during lunch tomorrow, I may take a run over there and pitch the campfire porn idea.

So, about finding another group... any possibilities? You may want to bust out the phonebook now, before your vision becomes impared from the alcohol.

Hey kroiks :o)...

December 10, 2007
5:31 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Vision impaired....now, come on. i am good to go. Trust me.

I have to do something, but, it has to be in the right frame of mind...and that can't be right now. Right now, I am ready to just kick her ass...

Maybe I will just go to her house, and tell her that enough is f'ing enough. I can't take anymore. Yes....good idea....

Talk to you all later....

December 10, 2007
5:38 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((MICH))))))))))

Shaney, I needed a smile and I got one! You do have a way with words! (((SHANEY)))

December 10, 2007
6:10 pm
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Shaney
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Hi there friendma :o) - we've gotta laugh when we can!

Michilicious Marshmellow Mug - don't you go to that crazy fool's house, my friend. You can tell her enough is enough when you have all of your wits about you, and no alcohol on board. You need to think about what you're going to say, first. Take it from me... the last time I was drunk and wanted to kick someone's ass (keep in mind I'm 5'2 and 110lbs and can't kick anyone's ass), I fell off of my 5" platform shoes and onto the girl whose ass I thought I was going to kick. It was embarassing. So, don't do it.... unless of course, you're wearing a good pair of grippy tennis shoes.

December 10, 2007
7:46 pm
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Well, Mich,

if kampfire girl makes you bervous, I don't think you should be making her any house calls ;-p

But seriously.... wait till the alcohol is out of your system before doing anything impulsive. Sorry I'm not up to date on your thread - I remember that Jim recommended you go to a group, but he isn't leading it, right?

I just remember the textbook on group therapy by Irvin Yalom that I read years ago. I seem to recall that he favoured groups of "mixed issues" rather than "single-issue" groups. And in the case of a single-issue group where the issue is being sexual abuse survivors, I would have thought there would be strong ground rules against any kind of socializing, not just "coupling up".

What's your gut feeling about whether this group is being harmful or helpful for you? Have you talked to Jim about it? Sorry if I'm asking things that are answered somewhere above in the thread. I just happen to have time to hang out here a bit today.

Anyway.... no decisions till you can type straight, ok???

December 10, 2007
7:48 pm
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hey, Shaney :o)

December 10, 2007
8:43 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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kroika and Shaney...I am just now leaving...we will see what happens. But, hey...thanks for picking on the typing.

I am sorry about that.

I don't know about the group. Jim does NOT lead it. It is led by two women. There are rules against ANY intimate relationships in the group. And that was reiterated last week while we were all there. Including Miss K.

I think that it is helpful to know that I am not alone. To have conversations about all of this, to be able to talk about it. BUT...I just am not sure. I don't know what to think at this point...I guess we will see.

Anyway...sorry about my state of mind earlier. I am ok now, I promise. But, truly, I was better off I think when I wasn't. I almost think I am MORE likely to do something stupid in a rational mind. I have had enough. One way or the other...I can't take it.

I will let you all know what I choose to do. It may be nothing. I have eaten, and everything else...I think that I am ok now though...promise. As far as my toxic state of mind.

You have nothing more to be bervous about...Except whether or not I am posting from jail the next time.... :o)

Love you...Mich

(((kroika, Shaney, Friendma)))

Where in the hell is Bevdee?? (((Bev))) I miss you. I am thinking of you. You understand me...

December 10, 2007
10:47 pm
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Hey Mich--

Just checking in. I read to catch up with you from time to time.

Just know that someone out there is thinking of you every once in a while.

Stay safe with all the freezing rain that you are having this week.

s2

December 10, 2007
11:18 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((MICH))))))))))

I'm holdin tight and I'm listenin....

December 11, 2007
12:05 am
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Mich--

I just want you to know that I do love and care about you very much...

((MICH))

December 11, 2007
12:18 am
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hey Mich,

it's midnight for you... just sending you some peaceful west coast vibes for when you head to bed. I hope things went well at the group.

have a restful sleep and sweet dreams,

love, kroiks

December 11, 2007
1:48 pm
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Shaney
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How are you feeling, Michy? We had some fun last night, at your expense, I know - hope you could laugh a little too, knowing that we're all, still in your corner.

I imagine that you're exhausted... from thoughts and feelings. It would be so nice to just BE for a while without having to make some life or death decision. I thought about what you wrote: "I am ok now, I promise. But, truly, I was better off I think when I wasn't. I almost think I am MORE likely to do something stupid in a rational mind. I have had enough. One way or the other...I can't take it."

From the outside looking in, when you weren't okay, you let life pummel you into into hiding - where you would let life pile up on top of you and weigh you down. It was suffocating you as the pile grew. Now that you're on this side of okay, where you're facing the pile head on, the decisions may be heavy at times, but at least you're going to breath easier as you chip away at that pile. Prolonged suffering is what you had to look forward to before. Now, I feel that there is relief in sight, really. I hope you can see that as you face each of these issues. Your strength was always there sustaining you in a sort of painful limbo. But now I see your strength being used as it should. It may be exhausting, but the more you use your given strength in proactive ways, the less scary it will become. You're powerful mich, believe it.

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