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My Mother...
May 8, 2006
3:29 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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My Mother March 21, 1993

Someone I love with all of my heart, This love for her is tearing me apart. I want so much for her to love me, What is stopping her, what could it be? She is someone in for whom I do care, Although she has never treated me fair. I want her to love me in a mothers way, But now she is becoming very, very astray. I am not sure how long I can handle this pain, Wondering if she will ever, ever love me again. I wanted so much to be her friend, I didn't want it to come to an end. All I want form her, is that special love, I guess I will have to leave it to the father above. The thought of her not loving me gives me a scare, I want nothing more that for her to care. She has never been there for me in my life, She has caused me heartache, she has caused me strife. Why can't she love me, am i that bad? This all causes me to be So very sad. I guess that there will never be another, like i want to love me, like I want from my mother.

That was written four months after I was removed from my home by protective services, in the 11th grade. 13 years later the same basic feelings exist.

May 8, 2006
3:57 pm
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Hi Scared,
I have been reading some of your posts. I am sorry for the deep pain you feel. Problem is that it seems to be controlling you, and you are not able to control it! I agree, I think medical attention is an alternative. And as a fellow believer, I want you to remember that you are worth much more than you allow yourself to believe. Do you have a church to go to that has a Healing ministry present so you can be prayed for? You are a gift to your husband and your children, always remember that. Your thoughts are making you victim to them, as a child of God you are not to be a victim, you are free...remember what that word means and feels like? HAng in there, and will check in on you later.

omw

May 8, 2006
4:03 pm
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OMW

Unfortunately, I have lost all remembrance of what that feels like. And it is only getting worse. I feel like I have NO control over my emotions at all. I have lost all sight of happiness, forgiveness, and feeling of self worth. Something happened last night to remind me of exactly what I went through as a child, and it involved the one person that I believed loved me and would never do anything to hurt me or my kids. I don't believe any of it anymore. Yet, who did I want? My mom. And she is the one that allowed my past to be what it is. Yet, now I am being faced with parts of it in the present. I can't do this, but I can't leave my kids right now to get the help that I need. After last night, I know that I am their safety net, and all that they have.
Scared

May 8, 2006
4:14 pm
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You are spiraling downward. Let's look at it from a physical perspective...good diet, sleeping well, no alcohol, no self-medicating? Any history of clinical depression or bipolar or any chemical imbalances in your family? And how long have you felt this way? I am not a Dr. but have had enough contact with things such as this to know what questions to ask.

May 8, 2006
4:27 pm
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omw,

Pregnant to start with. My diet is good, sleeping sucks, no alcohol, never been an issue, no self medicating. I was told in December that I have PTSD. I have been left in the dark though, and I am dying inside. You say that you have read some of my other things, you heard what I have had to say. Anything else you want to know? I will tell you anything you think may help.

Scared

May 8, 2006
4:29 pm
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scared, my mom is nasty. I stopped talking to her and I feel better now in my life. I'm happy to have her out of my life. She'll bring me only pain if I get her back in. I had to do it, there was no alternative.

Your mom too will not change. You cant make her love you. What is most important now is that you love yourself. You can work on your self-esteem as I am too. There is no other way, believe me. Feel your sadness, but see if you can realize later that you cant do anything to control her and make her love you.

May 8, 2006
4:30 pm
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omw,

The other thing is that I also had never been faced with what I was last night, and that is the one thing that I may not answer to at this moment. But I feel like I am standing on a bridge, being pushed to jump.

Scared

May 8, 2006
4:33 pm
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gg,

I can't comprehend loving myself when my own family can't do the same. If my own mother can't love me, why should anyone? What have I done so wrong? I have tried to convince myself that I am ok, but the truth is, I feel like somewhere I have done something wrong to make her not love me. I am a mess. And I see myelf destroy the lives of others around me. At least that is how I see it. And really as great as I have always said my husband is, I know now, he is doing the same thing.

Scared

May 8, 2006
5:21 pm
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Scared,
You have not healed from any of the disappointments you have had it sounds like. This makes it very hard to take on any more, and any new thing that happens probably may seem to loom larger than it really is. Sounds like you have abandonment issues as well, not quite understanding how someone could leave you and that you don't deserve it. But right now, it also sounds like you don't believe you deserve anyone's love. That is a lie you are buying into. My guess is that you have a wonderful husband and children and that your children will be awesome leaders one day. I am also guessing that as long as you remain in the muck and the pigslop, you may not be as effective as you could be.

I don't know how far along you are in your pregnancy but of course the hormonal imbalance could be playing havoc as well. And, do you have a safe person you can call at a church...a women's ministry leader, a deacon, a pastoral counselor...some churches can give you the name of someone you can trust to seek treatment for the PTSD if necessary. I don't see how you can do this on your own. You need some help, all it will take is a phone call maybe 2.

As an adult, can you see how your mother loved you? I don't think you seem to be able to see it from a child's point of view. I have baggage from my family growing up. It hasn't been an easy road, but I know I am being led out of the muck. It does not always feel like it, but I have to trust it is so. HAve you ever read Psalms 139? IT's beautiful. It will tell you who you are, and who that little one growing inside of you is.

Honey, you can make it. But you are going to have to make some calls. IF you can't then tell your husband that you would like him to do it for you.

May 8, 2006
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>> If my own mother can't love me, why should anyone? < < Thats really the center point of your issue. It doesnt matter if your mom loves you or not. She may not even know how to love someone. Maybe she doesnt love herself, in which case she cannot love anyone else too. Not all mothers are alike. Some are bad mothers, some are good. If your mother never loved you, she's a bad mother. How was your childhood like? And your relationship with your dad and your mom?

May 8, 2006
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SIM

Elaborate on the following statement, with particular reference to early childhood - whatever you can rememeber, all the significant events that explain your evaluation below:

"She has never been there for me in my life, She has caused me heartache, she has caused me strife."

So tell me how she caused you strife and hearache, the things she used to say and do to you.

If she did all that, she was not a good mother. This is what you have to realize first.

May 8, 2006
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Scared, guest, good point. Even though it may feel differently, just because your mother did not love you does not mean you are 'unlovable'. Who you are as a person is not based on who loves you. I have been taught to first base my self on who God says I am because people can fail us at any time. We fail people too, no one is perfect. So who you are first of all is not who your mother or anyone else has tried to tell you who you are.

What aqre some of your good qualities that you see in yourself? I'll bet you are a great mom.

May 8, 2006
5:48 pm
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omw and gg,

Read in Support Threads, Completely Lost, and in Liberation It was Stolen... That should answer a lot of your questions.

I wasn't not loved. I was severely abused in several ways. I was sexually abused for several years, physically abused, verbally slaughtered, and my mother sat in the room while I was being sexually abused, she is the one who abused me otherwise. I have become what she said I would. I fat, worthless, bitch that would never amount to anything. In addition, without knowing what happened last night, I can hardly expect you to understand, but it made me change the way that I see my husband, and his ability to do a lot of harm to my life. And my kids lives.

Scared

May 8, 2006
6:17 pm
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omw and gg,

It was stolen is also in support not liberation. Sorry.

Scared

May 8, 2006
6:20 pm
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I also read how much your husband loves you. Without knowing what happened last night can you talk to him about it?

May 8, 2006
6:26 pm
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I still don't question whether or not he loves me at all. But i will NEVER go through what happened last night again. There is not enough love to make me stay like that. I talked to him until I was blue in the face. He doesn't get it. And the excuses I got were just as wrong as what he did. I can't make it make sense to you, and I am sorry for that. I have some serious things to figure out. But I will never get away from my pat if I am faced with it in the present.

Scared

May 8, 2006
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hi SIM, I read that thread. I'm sorry you had to went through such horrible abuse.

You say your mother said you would never amount to anything. Do you agree with her? She was obviously wrong. She was bad to have told you horrible things like this.

Your mother was not a good mother. Do you agree? A good mother would have told you that you are precious and would have protected you from the abuse. A good mother could not just have sat there watching you being abused.

May 9, 2006
1:02 am
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Dear Scared,
I know your life and problems firsthand,and all I can say is I'm sorry.You know(or at least I hope you do)that you can always call me day or night,and I will be here for you.That's the way it's always been.I know we are seperated by miles,but will never be far from eachother's hearts.I have never experienced half of the suffering that you have,but I know that family is family,and if your mom or dad isn't doing the job,you have others who are willing.I couldn't be there when these terrible things happened,and neither could my mom,but I know we can help you past it now.I shared in a similar experience of horror with you when we went to that amusement park that one time with that one guy,remember?Remember what he said to us,how he treated us?He didn't succeed that time with what I believe his plans may have been,but we were there together.Remember the time we ended up cleaning your mom's house from top to bottom as a punishment?Your mom is out of control,always seems like she always has been.I fear her resentment for what happened with your dad plays a role in how she treated you.I hope you know I am not bashing her in any way,but look at you compared to her as a whole.Your kids have not always been healthy,but they are safe.They don't have a drunk father.They don't have a drunk mother with a steady stream of boyfriends that she chooses over you.And thank God your kids are nothing like your siblings.You have risen from what your mom did.You brother is in prison,your other brother has committed unspeakable acts with women,and you are WONDERFUL.You have a beautiful home,a loving and devoted husband,and good,kind,and decent children.I know these things are hard for you to see right now,but I love you.

May 9, 2006
6:46 am
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p.o'd,

I told you if you read it, you would find more than you knew. I know that there is a lot that you already knew, and the amusement park, I will never forget. What were we? 12? And he wanted to play strip poker? I have always been sorry that I ever put you in that position, but you have to know, that I was clueless at the time. But my mom knew. She still let us go to Cedar Point with him. She failed more than me. You have seen me with my kids and I am glad that you think that I am a good mom, but it is so hard for me to see sometimes. I know that your mom loves me and cares about me, and so do you, but I miss my mom. I miss what I never had. I can't help that. The biggest problem I have is the fear of your mom telling my dad anything that I say. And I know that my dad failed me in ways that he will never admit. He never abused me, he was just to drunk to take care of me to keep me from being abused in my moms house, and I really resent him for that. I never did up until about 6 months ago. And as much as i love your mom, she always has the ability to say that things weren't as bad as I made them out to be. That my mom did the best that she could, and my dad was her brother. So therefore, she is going to feel some tendancies to defend him. But my heart is broken, and I feel as though I have lost a lot. I cannot help that. I know that you love me and care about me, but I am not good at saying anything really verbally. I can put it all in writing, but that is what I am good at. I know that there are things in here that you may not have known, and I am sorry that this is how you found them out. Just know that I love you, and I fully appreciate your support.

Scared

May 9, 2006
5:43 pm
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Dear Scared...I feel your pain and longing. Today my wife spoke with her mother on the phone. (She has been pretty successful at maintaining a healthy, detached relationship to keep her somewhat mentally healthy.) My wife and I are speparated due to our codenpence to each other. We're in Christian counseling and workin very hard to heal from our damaged pasts. Today she took the chance to share her hurts and fears with her. The result was painful and devestating. She called me (which is contrary to our structured separation agreement) to cry and look for confort. Her mother has been this way all through our 37 years of marriage. She has found out that though she loves her mother very, very much; she is also addicted to her putdowns and abuse. She can't get from her what she so sorely needs so she goes against everything she has learned...she bares her sould and gets shat on time and time again. Another writer mentioned that your mother will never change. This is the case with Noreen's mother as well. Her only succesess have been when she has totally surrendered her mother to God. But like all or us of faith, she takes her eyes off Him for just a short time and she trades His love for her mother's hatred and cold, cold heart.

Scared...don't give up. Your friend told you you are not like her. Your friend knows and loves you. If you can't see what she sees in you, PRETEND for a while. Seek someone you can trust in your church...pastor, counselor or another person who truly cares and has strong faith.

I'm adding you to my prayer list now. I will praying for you everyday. GOD LOVES YOU...He does not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, peace and a sound mind. Ask Him. bobw

May 10, 2006
3:31 pm
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Dear Sacred... I just read most of the threads sent to you. I didn't know about the event: '...what happened last night.' This sounds like a 'straw that brought the camel's back' kind of thing. You must feel so very much alone. Now that he has turned on you.

I also didn't know about the PTSD diagnosis. I know about this personally. I am a Vietnam combat veteran who worked very hard for years unconsciously covering up 'Nam and all it horrors. Years later, after getting my external life together (sober, being a better person, renewing my walk with Jesus Christ) I ended up working fort the Veterans Administration (VA) as a therapist treating Vietnam veterans with PTSD. I was an effective agent of healing for many men and their families. But...after a relatively short period of time, I 'broke down' with my own PTSD. My pains were exposed more and more as I facilititated more groups and counseled men individually. Eventually I ended up in a jack pot that resulted in my PTSD diagnosis. My repsonse was to scream, yell and cry out that it wan't me, but 'my clients.

Scared... I was fortunate to get good PTSD treatment from the VA. But it was just one layer. Not until recently did I remember the sexual abuse I suffered as a boy. (As well as a mulitude of other abuses.) I recently honestly acknowledged that our home wasn't a real life "FATHER KNOWS BEST". My mother loved us all dearly. My father...well that was questionable. But I couldn't get mad or be angry at him...or could I? For most of my life I couldn't yet had every reason to be. So many things buried. So much denial to survive. So many times walking away from God's love because I didn't feel worthy.

Parent's love/abuse leaves deep wounds. One of the... oh so sad consuequences...is how that stuff, buried alive, hinders us from trusting our loving, forgiving and Heavenly Father. As I'm learning more and more each day, the only real source, the only real solution to my past and present problems...IS GOD ! Even as I write this I am feeling renewed feelings of anger toward my father. WHY WHY WHY????? But I will let these feelings remain (instead of running from them as I have for so many years) and just keep talking them out to God. The healing process is still ongoing. But my hope is being restored (or coming all brand new) as I pour myself out to Him.

Scared...If you are comfortable, please share with us what happened 'last night'. Let us help you to lighten your burdens. Let us help by coming against all that keeps you in the bondage of despair. We love you with God's love. His love is real and powerful and wonder working. Let go, let God and let US...your brothers in sisters here, online, carry your burden. You will be healed. It might not happen over night but it will one step at a time, one day at a time.

You are made in God' image...not your mother's.

bob

May 10, 2006
4:27 pm
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Bob,

Thank you ever so much for your response. It is insome ways nice to know that I am not alone. Though I hate to hear of others sufferings as well. If that makes any sense.

"Last night" is something that I cannot yet express. I am deeply saddened by what happened that night and I wish that I could tell you, but it is too difficult at this point in my life. I love my husband, but to be put in a position where I feel like I am living in the past is something that I cannot do. And it wasn't so much that I was living it, but my son. He is 5. He is the light of my life. I love all of my kids with all that I have, but there is something about him, that is very different from my girls. I cannot explain it.

I agreed to be put on meds today at the OB. I need something. I am scared of the past in a big way. I am afraid of facing it, and I am afraid of admitting it, but that is all something that I have not done yet to this point. I questioned in another thread today whether this was an appropriate place to amybe journal some of that information. What do you think? I am not really looking for others opinions, not that it would bother me. I don't know any of you, with the exception of one. Have you read any of my other threads, just out of curiosity.?

I have never really gotten a definition to PTSD. I have avoided it at most cost. I am scared. I am afraid to be happy almost. I know that sounds so stupid, but it is true. It has been so long since I have had that feeling that I don't know what it feels like anymore. I hate who i am. But, I am afraid to be different.

Thanks again for responding to me. I appreciate it.

Mandy (Scared)

May 10, 2006
5:48 pm
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Hi Mandy...

It is nice to hear from you. I think I have read most of the threads you have written. I, too, am new to this. Navigating around threads is something I'm learning.

I responded to your OB visit today on another thread.

If it would be helpful to you, I can give you a good definition of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I won't go into it unless you want me to. With your permission, I will go into details likely not given you by a diagnostician. Some professionals are good at giving a patient a diagnosis but fail miserably at explaining it and clarifying what aspects pertain to you.

Fort now I will say that PTSD is a combination of symptoms that differ from individual to individual.

I pray you have a good experience on your new meds. I take meds and they are helpful keeping me stable in terms of my depression and PTSD.

Also, I have seen so many counselors through my life that I have become very hard and distrusting about them. In February of this year, my wife and I...in desparation...went to Colorado Springs, CO for intense treatment with a fully accredited Christain thereapist. It was a very bitter/sweet experience. First, he really listened and understand and was skilled in psych skills as well as biblical counseling. He helped us more than anyone has. We both took the MMPI. Noreen scored as high as you did on the suicide scale. (Though she never attempted it... I am the one with actual suicide attempts years ago.) One of the most difficult things I have ever done was to have her admitted to a psychiatric hospital and leave her there and return without her to Mass. (I didn't have the money to stay at the hotel any longer.) She was there for a week and was really helped a lot. The sessions we had with our Colorado therapist and the treatment at the hospital set us on the track we're on now.

Here I go rambling again. LOL 🙂

Good night and God bless you, Mandy.

bob

May 10, 2006
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Hi Mandy... Yes. I think using this forum for journaling is a great idea. Go for it.

bob

May 12, 2006
9:45 am
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"I can't comprehend loving myself when my own family can't do the same. If my own mother can't love me, why should anyone? What have I done so wrong? I have tried to convince myself that I am ok, but the truth is, I feel like somewhere I have done something wrong to make her not love me."

Love is not a reward for good deeds, it's a valuing of being. I'm not sure how to explain this...

The best example I can come up with is the concept that "Jesus Loves You". (I'm not Christian, but that's the phrase most familiar to people in general.) How can somebody who lived a couple thousand years ago, that you have never met in person, possibly love you? Because it's not about watching what you do, it's not even about who you think you are. You EXIST therefore you are LOVED. It is the nature of divinity to value you in this way. You probably didn't do anything horrible to make your mother act the way she did, but that's neither here nor there. It doesn't matter what you did. It doesn't matter how imperfect you are. It doesn't matter if you can't carry all your burdens today without help. YOU ARE LOVED.

And when you are able to accept that you are loved no matter what, you will be able to find that love within yourself, for yourself, that is the foundation of all other love you give. It's in there, you will find it. Keep looking. You are worth the effort it takes to find it.

-----------

As for feeling out of control of your emotions, I find that learning some basics of meditation has given me a measure of self-control that is very comforting. Even if I can't make it work at any given moment, the knowledge that I have succeeded with it in the past is a marker to me that I can succeed again in the future.

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