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my husband is a drug addict and my religion advising that I am married until death do we part.
August 24, 2005
5:57 pm
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privatep
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my husband is a drug addict he occassionally used when we first met in 1986 but has progressively gotten addicted. To the point where is spends several nights at drug houses, has pawned and sold his car, have gotten us evicted from our house, has had an affair, and lost his job. We have 4 children youngest being 14yrs old. they are so hurt and its just not a healthy environment. however my faith tell me til death do us part. What am I to do? I cant wait any longer for him to change but I dont want to go against the will of god. He recently lost his mother and this was another excuse to use more so now than ever. can anyone advise me?

August 24, 2005
6:10 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi privatep and welcome to the site.

I can't tell you what to do as far as whether or not you should stay in your marriage. That is a personal decision that you must make for yourself.

I would like to suggest to you that you attend Alanon. Alanon is a free support group for friends and families of alcoholics (and drug addicts). It is a wonderful, annoymous place to go for encouragement, strength and hope when dealing with the affects of addiction.

It has been a tremendous help in my recovery from the affects of alcoholism and codependency.

It is not a quick fix, nor will they teach you how to get your loved one sober. They will however, teach you how to keep the focus on yourself and your recovery. They will teach you to stop trying to change things which are beyond your control (meaning changing anything but yourself) and teach you concepts such as detachment, acceptance, and boundry setting, so that you may have a healthy life, whether or not you stay with the addict and whether or the addict gets help for himself.

It is not a religious program. It is based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous which has a very strong spiritual base and helps you connect with your Higher Power (whatever your HP may be).

This site is also a great place to come for wisdom, insight and encouragement. There are so many wonderful souls here that are and have been where you are......you are not alone.

I hope this helped.

Good luck and keep posting.

Love,
Lolli

August 24, 2005
6:20 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi privatep.....me again.....

I just wanted to suggest that you post your threads on the "support threads" instead of the "liberation brew threads".

The support threads get viewed a lot more than lib.brew so you'll tend to get more responses. The lib.brew is more for things like religion, debate, more controversial "soap box" type threads, etc.

Either way, keep posting....

Lolli

August 24, 2005
6:40 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Hi privatep,

Welcome aboard!

My guess is that you've posted here because religion seems to be an important part of your life, and you were concerned about being cited for posting in the support threads ??

Anyway, from a spiritual (Christian) perspective you've raised some pretty serious questions concerning your marriage.

As Lolli has said, we cannot tell you what to do, but you need to consider the fact that your husband has repeatedly broken his marriage vows to you (before God and man) by having an affair, by not providing for your needs, by not training up the kids properly and by being addicted to a substance (his god).

He knows that whatever he does you will be there, so he will continue to do what he is doing, progressing down the continuum of destruction and taking all of you with him.

I am not sure what faith you are of, but there are verses in the Bible that speak against all that he has done/is doing. If you would like them, I will post them.

Have you considered a legal separation? This would give you a chance to get on your feet and give your kids some stability. He needs to get help, but you cannot force him to do this, you can only take care of yourself and your kids.

As Lolli has also said, keep posting, there are many great folks here to help.

Hugs to you,

CM

August 24, 2005
7:02 pm
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mamacinnamon
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privatep:

Nice to meet you, just wish the circumstances were different.

Have you spoken to your pastor about this? I stayed w/ an evil person for 12 years coz "good Christian girls don't get divorced". Not so.

As Coda_Mom said, there are specific passages that speak on this subject. Also, a legal separation is not a divorce. Some folks think of it as the same, but it is not.

God did not put you here to be a doormat or to put your children in the wrong environment. The Bible says to train a child in the say he should go. Them watchin dad do this to you is not a healthy environment.

What you decide is between you and God. I suggest you pray, pray, pray. We here will pray for you also.

August 24, 2005
7:04 pm
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mamacinnamon
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CODA_MOM:

I have the Counselor's Soul Care Bible that has the specific topics separated and the verses posted. If you need any let me know. It's a wonderful source if you wanted to pick one up. 🙂

August 24, 2005
7:44 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi privatep: Although not addressing the religion aspect, Dr. Laura Schlessinger always says that an addict has a relationship w/ their drug of choice first and foremost and therefore is cheating on the spouse/ significant other and they are not available for a relationship. Just another perspective.

August 24, 2005
7:53 pm
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privatep
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Thank you so much for the encouraging words Lolli, Coda Mom and mamacinnamon
I feel better already. I know I need to detach myself from the situation and regroup with me and my kids. I have lost alot of years that will never come back because of worrying about my husband. I have to stop worrying about him and enjoying my time with my kids. Your comments has made me feel so much better. Just to know that there are people that really care about what we are going through. Thank you very much. and yes that book mamcinnamon will be helpful. i am going to buy a book on codependency this weekend.

August 24, 2005
7:57 pm
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privatep
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You are right sdesigns, that is his first love right now. And funny thing is I can't compete with that. So I give up trying. I will focus on me and trying to help myself.

thank you

August 24, 2005
8:37 pm
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mamacinnamon
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privatep:

If you'd like a good codependency book I'd start w/ Codependent No MOre by Melodie Beattie. Easy to read and understand

August 24, 2005
9:43 pm
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CODA_Mom
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mammac,

If that is the same Bible that Tim Clinton published, then I do have it in my bookcase. It was actually a free gift for joining the AACC (American Association of Christian Counselors 😉 Thanks!

Hope you and your daughter are doing well, you're still in my prayers.

(((Hugs)))

August 24, 2005
10:16 pm
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mamacinnamon
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CODA_Mom:

Yes, that is the exact Bible I am speaking of. I have found it to be the most helpful in looking up and understanding situations. Was a member of AACC but had to let it go this last year. 🙂

Daughter has the CT Scan tomorrow. Thanks for the prayers. Greatly appreciated.

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