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My Biological Clock is Killing Me
February 12, 2007
2:58 am
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Worried_Dad
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44 years old. Have a great kid. Somewhere.

I see people with kids.

Babies.

I think. I could still be a dad. Maybe.

Maybe I could adopt.

February 12, 2007
8:32 am
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on my way
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WD,
What a wonderful thought. Yes you probably could adopt. That is a great thought!

Sometimes I wish I could adopt...I love children, but now I have this beautiful little grand-daughter, who smiles at me and responds to my voice, and she has stolen my heart.

I think it would be great if you adopted....and guess what? Some women find it 'sexy' to see a dad, a single dad with a child!! 🙂

February 12, 2007
9:20 am
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Hey WD,

You have that Y-chromosome thing going don't you? No real "clock" there. Our ex-Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau became a dad at 70-something - not that you might want to wait that long.

I hope you will adopt if having a child in your life is something you clearly and strongly desire. But I am so sad to think of your "great kid", out there "somewhere". I hope he will find you sooner if not later.

good thoughts to you, your friend the kroikster

February 12, 2007
9:36 am
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eve
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Can you adopt a kid in the US if you are single? Over here you have to be married, young, and you have to take a course for parents-to-be, and are tested by a social worker and a psychologist.

No adoptive kid for me, since I can't seem to figure out how to live in a relationship....

Hugs to you.

What I try to do is to get kids in my life someway. I babysit for a friend, I try to have my nieces and nephews over as often as I can (they live far away), and the kids on the block know that they can stop for a chat and a drink when they see me in my garden....

February 13, 2007
5:02 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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My biological clock is running out fast but I do as eve says. Nieces and nephews are great. and also I since I am a teacher I have 17 'kids' this year. the good thing is that they all go home at 2:15.

February 13, 2007
6:19 pm
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Why do people want to have kids when all they really are overall is a big hassle? The study to prove it:

http://www.livescience.com/hum.....ssion.html

Kids are Depressing, Study of Parents Finds

A new study shows that raising them is a lifelong challenge to your mental health.

Not only do parents have significantly higher levels of depression than adults who do not have children, the problem gets worse when the kids move out.

--------------------------

February 13, 2007
6:20 pm
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Yea. Tell me now how it is a good idea to have kids.

February 14, 2007
2:39 am
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Worried_Dad
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Personally, I think it is a terrible idea for most anyone to have kids. I think most people are too immature, to ignorant, and too crazy to have kids.

And I think that every responsible person who loves the Earth and is concerned about global warming should promise to never, ever ever have kids.

But just try telling that to my DNA.

Sometime I hate DNA.

February 14, 2007
6:42 am
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Personally, I think it is a terrible idea for most anyone to have kids. I think most people are too immature, to ignorant, and too crazy to have kids.

Every now and then someone points out that we require people to be trained and licensed before they are allowed to drive a car, yet *no* such demonstration of knowledge and comptence is required to create and rear a child. Parenting is seen as a right... but more and more, I see it as a privilege.

February 14, 2007
8:30 am
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Exactly. In the future you'll see that people will require a license in order to have a kid. That will require their parenting skills to be assessed as well as their mental health - at the least. I dont think I'll pass becuase I dont want to have kids anyway. In the future people will be shocked to hear that ANY one could have kids, even a pot-smoking (blah blah, insert other descriptives) idiot. This is a sad stupid world we live in. I wonder what it is. Is the world always stupid no matter what shape/era it is in, or is it just me? In any case, yea, its pretty ridiculous that any one can have kids. Very reckless, considering how deeply a child's life is effected by the type of parenting he gets.

February 15, 2007
1:06 am
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truthBtold
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This thread kind of hits home to me.

As a child......I never really liked other younger children - got on my nerves too much.....so fricking "needy" and all.

Then as an adult - I realized (much to both my own chagrin and benefit) that I simply was not EQUIPPED to bring a child into this world.

(I so wish that my own parents had the same mindset for myself....)

Didn't have the "where with all" to steer it/he/she into a positive existence. I knew this.

That is why I KNEW....in this particular lifetime - that I would not give birth.

Makes me sick to hear all of these fucking stories about how "giving birth" and "having children" was the greatest experience of life.

But....I KNEW.....deep, DEEP in my guts - that I was simply NOT PREPARED to bring a child into this life....given my own limitations.

You see, I felt - and have always felt that I just did not want to pass on ignorance.

I could not teach and therefore pass on...those traits which I did not possess myself.

Haunts me to this day when I hear about the things that "giving birth to my son/daughter was the GREATEST experience of my life."

But I simply din NOT want to pass upon ignorance.

I am an organ donor. Perhaps a part of me will continue to live on.

SUCKSS being responsible.....and knowing your limitations!!!!!!!!!!

February 18, 2007
8:07 pm
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truthBtold
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My apologies to the group on this one.

I have realized that my own personal experiences greatly imposed a "damper" on the subject matter and I just got carried away on my own stuff.

(I have thought about this since my post on the 15th.)

It was not my intention to paint such a negative picture and minimalize those that truly want and wish to have children.

Please accept my sincerest apologies regarding this subject matter. I am afraid that my own passions got in the way of what should have been a more open forum regarding child birth and child rearing on a much more postive note.

Giving birth is a good thing.....for where would any of us be without it?

February 18, 2007
8:25 pm
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Hi TruthBtold

Actually, I swore for the longest time that I would never ever have kids.

I also thought that it was the duty of every human being to do their utmost to refrain from having kids.

I think I was the most pro-abortion person I knew: I thought it should be mandatory in most cases.

I still think having kids is a selfish thing to do. But I understand and have compassion for people who feel the urge now.

February 18, 2007
8:40 pm
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Well, having children is what we are biologically equipped and programmed to do. The species dies if we do not reproduce.

However, beyond biological evolution, there is also cultural evolution. We look at a bigger picture beyond our biological programming.

I would have liked to have had the experience of being pregnant and bearing and rearing a child, but I was so ambivalent about it that I did not make it a priority. In the time that my "window of opportunity" began closing, I became more concerned about the impact of North American consumers on the biosphere, and felt that at this time in our history it's a good idea to slow down the growth of our population.

So, I've come to terms with missing my own chance to be a bilogical parent. I do think that those who choose to become parents deserve support and assistance to bring children up in a loving and healthy way. Also, given that in the developed world, the odds are good that most babies will survive infancy (odds which were not so good until modern times) I do believe that two children should be the limit. One to replace each parent. Those who wish for a larger family could adopt as god knows there are many children desperately in need of a nurturing home.

February 19, 2007
11:07 am
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eve
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I'd like to strongly object to the "people should need a license to be allowed to have kids". There was a gouvernment in Germany some time ago who was very keen that the state should decide who may reproduce and who may not. This was fascist Nazi Germany. I hope that we won't have anything suchlike again.

February 19, 2007
12:42 pm
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I am all FOR adoption of kids. The world is full of orphaned, abandoned, deserted kids who fill the globe worldwide. It really breaks my heart when I see programs like "World Vision." etc.

Whether I will find Mr. Right or not, I will definitely want to adopt kids...2 kids are my capacity tho.

I remember once at work a co-worker described a married co-worker woman as selfish b/c she and her hubby did not want any kids at all.

In retrospect, I honestly don't believe couples who choose not to have children are "Selfish."

Another occasion...once I watched a TV program in which the host interviewed a beautiful bright young lady who admitted she did NOT want to have any children whatsoever.
When the host asked her why...she said "due to all the problems we have in our globe and environment."
She also expanded & expressed her anxiety and worry over bringing them up in this difficult challenging world where kids don't respect their parents anymore or teachers...where drugs, sex... are almost everywhere easily accessible at schools, parties etc. Who wouldn't worry about these things?

I highly encourage All of us Males and Females to adopt a kid(s). I know a couple who adopted 6 children. Another single successful mom who adopted 6/7 kids of all colours. Kudos to these generous folks with big heart for adopting that number of kids. I really admire these them and consider them as my role models!!!

Let's follow our heart & adopt a kid(s). If our heart is in Africa, adopt an African kid(s); if it's China then adopt Chinese kid(s).

It's never too late to reach out and give a tender heart to a deprived kid(s) who suffered in the same way we suffered. Let's provide a better world for the younger generation, better than us! Shall we??? R

February 19, 2007
1:52 pm
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Well spoken, Ras.

February 19, 2007
2:59 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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WD - what makes you believe that having a child is a selfish thing?

I know there are selfish motives for having a kid (like dad's who want to have someone follow their footsteps in the family business, or be a pro athlete that he never was).

But beyond that - what makes it selfish?

And does the selfish get nullified by the selfless things you must do to have a child - which is a total lifestyle change, as well as financial, emotional, physical, etc.

I could go on and on about the things I gave up to have my daughter. I am sure many parents can.

I just want to understand why it would be a selfish choice.

And for a "test theory"...you can use me. I got pregnant on a one night stand (two minute stand really)...and I chose to have the child because I chose to face the consequences of having unprotected sex. He walked away...never to be heard from again.

interested in your reply.

As far as not having children in efforts to protect the earth...it's not CHILDREN that are killing the earth, but rather TECHNOLOGY.

Back in the "olden" days...people lived off the land, and used natural resources to survive...it didn't cause global warming...and natural selection, survival of the fittest, kept things under control.

But in our quest to go bigger, better, faster, stronger, cheaper, yada yada....THAT is why we are killing our environment.

Third world countries aren't killing the environment...WE ARE...the technologically advanced societies.

And the killer is...the thirld world countries don't use birth control...they have as many kids as nature allows.

It's the technologically advanced countries that are using birth control and avoiding large families. HOW many forms of birth control are on the market...and the number grows daily.

And we are doing so well at being technologically advanced, as well as a thriving country...that MANY more people want to move here...so we are bringing more and more people here because of the promise of a better life.

So, bottom line - I don't think procreation is the root of global warming and the demise of the earth...I think the desire to build bigger, better, stronger, faster, etc....is driving the earth into the ground.

And while I do feel my biological clock is ticking...my experience with my first child - and not having a father, has taught me that I am not prepared to have another child as a single parent...and am more cautious...however, I still believe I did a good job raising the child I have and giving her a better chance in life than I had. I don't think I did a "perfect" job...and know I made mistakes...but believe I did enough that it was worth it.

off my soapbox.

February 19, 2007
4:06 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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A license to have children? Well, I might agree that one should have to make it through some type of class prior to becoming a parent, but the truth is...we are not. Children of today do NOT come with any clearer of a manual than we did. Do I believe that my parents had a GOOD hand in screwing me up? Absolutely. But it is MY choice if I continue to live my life that way. I have FOUR beautiful babies, ranging from 6 months to 10. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. Has it made life difficult at times? ABSOLUTELY. But, the truth is I wouldn't give it up. Do I think that I am "mother of the year?" No way in hell. Does that mean that I shouldn't have had children? God, I hope not. Even as screwed up as my life has been, I am still thankful that my parents brought me into this world. My first child was born when i was 20 years old. I was single, her dad was a refugee from Iraq, came over during the gulf war. He walked away when I found out that I was pregnant. Well, you know what....I still had her, and it has enriched my life greatly. I can TOTALLY respect any one of you that has chosen to NOT have children due to whatever reasons you have chosen. Physical fears, the fears of raising them and screwing them up, or whatever. But to say that you aren't missing anything, you may or may not be. I think that there is a LOT that we can learn from them, and I think that if we KNOW what our issues are, and address them properly...then....well, we have the ability to put more fine human beings into this world. Does that mean they will all turn out perfect? NO, we can't control every choice they make. Nor would I want to. I want to learn from the mistakes that my parents made, and learn from the mistakes that I make, and move forward. I want my children to teach me as well as me teach them. I know families of 12 children that are ALL wonderful, strong kids. I know families that have one child that can't seem to handle it. I think that is "to each their own." I think that child bearing, and child rearing has been a wonderful lesson for me, and taught me a LOT of things that I would NOT know otherwise. I think that I have been able to love in ways that I never would have otherwise. Those babies are the reason for the smile on my face a LOT of the time, and I thank God daily for them.

Now, do I think that somewhere along the line that people should step in and stop people from reproducing yes. I think that abusive parents should be forced to be fixed, I think that people with several children that live SOLELY off of the state should not be allowed to have an abundance of children, I think that certain things should be taken into consideration. I do think that some should be stopped. I think that some have made a choice to not be parents and that is great. They know themselves better than we ever will. And I think that it is great that they know those lines. I believe that some people that don't have children by choice, are WELL aware of the choices that they are making, and it is the right choice. BUT...I think that there are SO many people that miss out on a lot because they are afraid of what may happen. I personally believe that it is a choice. I also believe that the people that are that worried about what kind of parent they will be, wind up being the best parents...because they are concerned about what kind of parents they will be.

As far as adoption....GO FOR IT. There are a LOT of great children out there that need loving homes, where they are safe. I think that it is a GREAT gesture for a child in need of a loving family. It makes me smile inside when I see children adopted. My ten year old is being adopted by my husband, because he wants to be her dad, (he always has been), and that is what she wants. My brother could not physically have children and he and his wife adopted 4 (3 different races) that they love VERY much and they have given those children a wonderful home, and it has truly blessed their lives. It is a GREAT thing.

I think that parenting is a tough job, but one that the benefits, and the rewards, far outweigh the negatives. I came from a VERY screwed up situation, and still have some issues, that doesn't make me a bad mom. I love my children, they have changed my life, they are the best gift that I could have been given.

To say that my children are the reason for my depression would be a flat out lie, and a cop out. I think that it can be overwhelming, and I think that we need to learn how to balance us/them...but my depression, is NOT the fault of my children...and I worry about the people that claim that to be honest. I also know some people that are VERY depressed that don't have children. It scares me some to think that people use their children as an excuse to be depressed. BUT, that is just MY opinion.

Best of luck to all. The ones with children, the ones without, the ones that want them, the ones that don't, and the ones that want to give already existing children a place to call home, and a family to love them. Bless you all.

Mich

February 19, 2007
7:04 pm
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WD~

I read this thread and it really hit home for me.

I'll be 39 this year and don't have any children. I gave my first child up for adoption and suffered two miscarriages after that.

I do want children. My ex-husband and I discussed adopting two or three children after we had one biological child. I still want to do that. I think adoption is a wonderful thing.

As far as someone thinking that having children is a horribly selfish thing. Fine. We will each have our opinions and I don't think that particular opinion is detrimental to the global society as a whole. I have always wanted one biological child. Selfish? Probably to some.

I didn't read the article about how being a parent causes depression. That's just so weird to me. Depression is caused by so many things, and there are plenty of people who AREN'T parents who suffer from depression. I can't buy into that one.

WD, I hope you adopt a child that needs to be loved and needs a great home. I think you would be a wonderful, thoughtful father.

February 19, 2007
9:05 pm
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Im not so sure I like the idea of adopting kids from other countries and taking them away from there birthplace...I far prefer the idea of sponsoring them and their families to remain in situ but with better life chances. But I do understand the desperate longing of people to give birth to a child themselves and watch that child grow and become an adult. Or to adopt an infant or young child and nurture them

But we dont always get what we bargained for. Some people want kids and cant have them, some take measures not to have them and slip up.

There is barely a year between 2 of my children and it wasnt planned that way. I was knocked for 6. I didnt plan to have a third so quickly if at all.

But life does that to us or we do it to ourselves. And I wouldnt change it, not for anything.

There are advantages and disadvantages to every type of family set up. Only child, more attention, less chaos. On the other hand possible isolation, nobody of their own when parents go. Nobody who shares the history of childhood with them.

Multiple siblings? Chaos, striving for affection/attention;less material advantages? On the other hand bigger support networks, friends when they become adults. Someone to share the burden of elderly parents?

There are pros and cons with every type of family. As with most things

tick tock

February 20, 2007
7:40 am
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Rasputin
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I also forgot to mention in my post...there is also DOMESTIC adoption...at least here in North America - which is more economical, easier, handy...quicker. Overseas adoption costs a lot and it can take time.

I know a woman who adopted 2 Chinese girls. She told me she went thru SO much trouble to have this dream come ture... and spent lots of $$$$, time waiting till she got them. It can be very frustrating to wait that long when all you want is to provide cozy home, loving atmosphere, comfy warm pillow...b/c you know all about abuse, dysfunction....negligence and you want to help those poor children to have a better life coz you're all familiar with that which they went thru and want to draw a smile on their face despite all the pain you went thru.

Some of us, including me, were not lucky enough to become mothers...thru unluck, unfair circumstances and yes our biological clock is ticking which we cannot control...can find solace & fulfillment of our missing motherhood dream in this adoption while contributing to a better world, less deprivation and less homelessness...when we offer these poor kids our generous and unconditional love.

Who knows may be God allows this pain in our life so that some of us will reach out to others in need of our unconditional love and thus have a more balanced, happy, fair and accomplished world.

May all our dreams come true when it comes to adopting a child/children!

"It is not what we can get from this world that counts. Rather, it is what we can contribute to this world that really counts."

~Ann of Green Gables~

February 20, 2007
12:43 pm
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Everyone is entitled to their own opinions concerning children. As for me, I cannot imagine my life without mine. I have four children, all of whom are currently in college. They have cost me a small fortune, lots of stress, and many heartaches. They have given me LOVE, lifelong lessons, and understanding of human life. I treasure them greatly.

A few years ago I wrote this poem to express my feelings and I have never posted it so here goes:

MOTHERHOOD

Most young girls want to be a mother

It is a job that is like no other

Until you become one, you don't know what it brings

The emotions, responsibilities, and other millions of things

You experience the triumphs, the defeats, along with the sorrow

Wondering if you are going to make it tomorrow

You receive immense smiles, hugs, and love

You thank God for these things from up above

You learn from them things you did not know

Amazed at the time and how much they will grow

You are filled to the brim with an overpowering love

Knowing one day you must release them like a dove

So when you are worried, upset, don't get down

Can you imagine your life without them around?

gg

February 20, 2007
3:09 pm
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Thanks gg for the lovely poem! I am pretty sure your 4 children are lucky to have your as their mom!

I've always wanted to be a mom for 2 kids. I'm in my 40s and don't know when OR if I will find Mr. Right. LOL. But if worse comes to worst, and I am unable to have them in a natural way, I would love to have 2 children. Preferably 1 boy and 1 girl. May God hear and answer my/our prayers/dreams, Amen!!! R

February 20, 2007
3:24 pm
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Ras. Well, I didn't actually plan for four!!! I had a son first, a set of twin girls and I said that is it!!! Then the stork must have brought that last one, LOL!!! The funny thing, I was told by a doctor that I was infertile! (I did have to work hard for the first two pregnancies!)

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