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mama, free, anyone i need help
December 4, 2006
12:52 pm
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kasie919
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hey every one,

well the inevidable happened this morning, my truck got repoed, yep, i stood there and watched it go, cried my eyes out,

i called lucifer, told him, his answer....

now you have to give me @@@ our son..

Why??..because i am an irresposnsible looser, and cant do anything right..

So army if you think your the only one who hears the put downs, your not, i live on my own an still hear em...

Ok, so the truck is gone, i am at rock super rock bottom, but im not gona let him win.. no freakin way,

I called the bank, told them keep it i just needed my things, guess what, my asshole husband told them to come get it, suprised??? nope... screws his credit as well, since he co signed...

what he doesnt know is I have friends, and i have people here who are helping me, now the last button has been pushed and i am going to turn in to that impossible unbeleiveable bitch i didnt want to be.. but now i am ,,, and i do not care...

bacnkrucpy, fine, not able to pay all my bills, fine, but i am sick and tired of hearing about how i cannot take care of my son, so this anger,this hurt and pain, has turned into pay back, fuck him and every one else who thinks ive failed...
Im tired of being the punching bag..
laugh at me if you want,,
i will have the last laugh....

no more games....gloves are off, its a free for all now..

im tired and sick, but i will be damned if he wins.....

December 4, 2006
1:34 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasiegirl:

I'm sorry about your truck but hey, look at the "don't get in my way" that is comin out now. Good girl.

You can get a cheap car, or you can do the bus. Repo of a truck does nots, not, not make you a bad mom whatsoever. Neither does bankruptcy.

OK, the car is gone. I'm sure you are already working on new transportation. Go girl. You are doing great.

When I divorced I got the Blazer and immediately traded it off for a cheap car. It was black so I had some neighbor kids come and clean it all up and we sewed the carpet spot and used black polish to cover any dings. I didn't think about the boys overdoing w/ the Armor All so when I got into the truck I slid right under the steering wheel into the floor. Yep, I was small enough to do that then. lol. Sorry just had to share.

Kasie, good to see you moving to the next step. Do understand that as you move into each new step he will get meaner most likely, but you stand your ground. YOU GO GIRL.

Hey, call the attorney yet? Please be sure YOU file first and ask for sole custody. I feel you can get it easily. I don't know about your state, but in mine the person who has the kids, even for 10 minutes, in their physical custody can file and will retain the kids until the outcome is decided. Hope that made sense but basically... the first to file gets the kids till it's over and decided by the judge... in my state, I don't know about yours.

(((holding you close)))

December 4, 2006
10:23 pm
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Hi Kassie~stay where you're at mentally. Been there, and it's a good place to be. You're gonna make it Kassie.

Mamma's right- first to the lawyer has an edge.

Army~what was the devotional you read about?

hugs to both of ya

free

December 5, 2006
10:00 am
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kasie919
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Ok,

support hearing, 2 weeks, finally got into the system, november 11...

called the lawyer today, going next wednesday, think i may have found one to help me for real...

he cannot take my son because of money issues, I have a car to drive so i can still take him to and from school, in order for him to take my son with emergency custody he has to prove i am causing him harm an danger, which im not..

if for any reason i need to the lawyer gave me her emergency number, im hoping and praying now i can get what i have been looking for...

Yes im gona be the bitch, to bad, i didnt want to but i have to.....

oh well,

and since i have been caring like i have for our son, and making sure his father has been doing some kind of visitation, it looks only good on my behalf, still i have a long way to go and a long huge fight im not ready for..

tomorrow i will be going to my church to seek some kind of counseling support, i sure need it right now....

im scared confused, numb and worried, guess we all go through this....

kasie

December 5, 2006
10:53 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Kasie,

something told me to read this thread.

I am so proud of you.

The gloves are certainly off, and this day is finally here.

You are a WONDERFUL mom, and your finances have NOTHING to do with how well you do your job as a mom.

I have filed for bankruptcy TWICE, not once, but TWICE...but I am still a damn good mom. I just suck at paying the bills.

And because you are a single parent living under these conditions, who can blame you for letting the truck go?

As for the work at home jobs...I found a website, http://www.wahm.com, that gives you links to REPUTABLE work at home jobs. I got hired by one of them, as a phone solicitor. You read a script, the machine dials the numbers for you, and you get paid by how many calls you make. You don't even have to make a sale, just make the calls. My friend works for these companies, as a customer service rep, and she makes GOOD money working from home so she can be there for her three boys. They have all kinds of hours to work, and since we are on the east coast and most of them are on the west coast, the time zone change works in our favor. Check it out, it's reputable..don't ever pay for a work at home package...these companies don't charge. The only catch is that you need a high speed internet connection and sometimes a home landline phone...but it may be worth the investment if you can make another paycheck.

I know what you mean about the schools too...cuz I left SC because I was fearful of my daughter attending public schools down there. Check in with the daycares tho, cuz many of them have programs for kindgergarten and first grade in the daycare, so you don't have to go public...my friend sent her two kids thru the daycare system, then found a christian based school that charges a sliding fee scale...they are in Charleston. So shop around.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers...and I am glad to see those gloves are off...the mamma bear has come out of the den to protect her cubs...good for you...just be careful, cuz he may get nastier.

Also, put your name in with all the churches, salvation army, united way, social services, etc...some schools and daycares have christmas packages too. Look for a food bank or food pantry, and apply everywhere you can...if you can get $20 worth of groceries for free, it frees up $20 for other bills. My best friend volunteers at a food bank and she gets "preferred" treatment and often gets extra groceries for her help...or first choice on the items. If you help out, it shows you don't want anything for free, and people appreciate when you are working hard to help yourself.

Good luck sweetie.

December 5, 2006
12:11 pm
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kasie919
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rising:

thank you........

I have been sitting here doing the what if syndrom......ugh..

but yes im contacting every body and there mother, in fact i will show my face in some of those places tomorrow on my day off, I need help, rents late but hey im gona make it, i will, ive got to...

yeah bankrupcy is the only way right now, im ashamed, but if i have to raise my son on my own, i need to re-group...

i have to get angry, i have to stop feeling sorry for myself...

I do mystery shopping when i can, but it dowsnt pay well, especailly with the gas prices. but im trying..

thank you for the site im checking it out right now....

much love kasie

December 5, 2006
12:48 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Kasie,

remember, bankruptcy is a "fresh start" which is what you are doing with your life right now.

you made some bad choices, just like the rest of us...and there are some unfortunate consequences (like the ugly bitter divorce proceedings and all the pain) but in the end, the best thing you can do is NOT ADD to that pain by beating yourself up.

You didn't create your financial mess, you had help. But you don't have help cleaning it up...so you are doing the best you can.

Many churches will help pay the rent to help you keep your home. In fact, a friend of mine moved to SC and a local church is TOTALLY paying for the rent right now, so that this family can stay together in a home, while they get back on their feet, and they have five kids right now.

So, don't leave any stones unturned, don't have too much pride to ask and don't worry about being ashamed...this is the time to reach out to anyone that will help.

You can do this...I have known that all along.

ps...you probably don't remember me...I was posting as someone else before but got SC permission to change my name...I remember when you first came here and we had some long convos, and I am proud of the progress you have made...it takes alot of guts and courage...just know I am rooting for you.

have you had any contact with Sito? I haven't heard from him since he finally got rid of his maniac GF...I hope he is well also.

December 5, 2006
12:50 pm
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Zinnie
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Kasie,

You know what? I'm actually HAPPY that your truck got repo'd!

You know why?

IT HAS PISSED YOU OFF! Yes, Ma'am, the inner bitch is now out! Ain't it good?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

You take care of your son, you take that son of a bitch for everything and anything you can get! You start a log NOW if you have not already done so of everything he has ever done from day one. No matter how trivial you thought it was at the time, write it down.

He will go to court and tell them how much he LOVES his son. Oh, believe it, he will. If he really loved his son? He would:

1. Not have treated his son's mother the way he has treated you.

2. Not paid for what his son needs on a daily basis - and that does include what you might need to take care of his son. I'm not talking luxuries here - I'm talking, food, clothing, shelter, medical care.

3. He would have made sure that your truck payment was kept up OR at least gotten you a reliable cheaper vehicle in order to take care of his son.

4. He would not have been pulling this stalking crap, and terrorizing you and your little guy.

Don't worry about filing for bankruptcy. Good people have to from time to time. It is the only way to start over. File Chapter 7, so there is nothing you will have to repay.

You will find that you need to have a credit card - get a prepaid one. One that you can load. You can find them everywhere now. Grocery stores, CVS, Walgreens. Put money on it, whatever you can afford.

Be prepared. Really prepared now though. He thinks he has "won" something by having the truck repo'd. When he see's you are still on your feet? He will really get nasty - so be prepared. Get yourself a land-line phone, one of those $25.00 a month deals - that way you can still have Internet access at home. It will be dial up - but, you will then have access to the Internet to do your research, AND you will have a phone land line should you need to call 911. I know you have a cell phone, but, should you need to call 911 if he is there and you use the cell phone; if you cannot give them the address they will have to try to "ping" what cell tower location the call is coming from - and hope to locate you. A land line? They have your address as soon as you dial 911. That way, God forbid, you dial 911 set the phone down and the police will come.

Teach your little man how to dial 911.

Lastly? Write to all three credit bureau's and have them make a note on your credit file as to WHY the truck got repo'd. It might help you, it might not... but, at least you have it there.

You ARE strong Kasie - don't ever let anyone tell you different. NEVER.

Z.

December 5, 2006
6:46 pm
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armyleo
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Kasie,

I'm sorry about the truck, but it sounds like your able to get around.

I've been praying for you. be strong, your a great mom.

ArmyAngel

December 5, 2006
11:27 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Such great advice from two exceptional women. They know their stuff so listen up good.

WAHM.... I am familiar w/ them and I would recommend them to you also. Not only for a job but for support and friendship. Good women w/ all types background go there and are always very helpful land thoughtful. Great ideas of things to do w/ little man also.

Tighten that buckle up Kasiegirl the ride is about to begin. We are all standin here behind you.

🙂

December 6, 2006
12:17 am
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Hi Kassie~

One of the hardest things I had to learn was that being assertive is not the same as being a bitch. He's gonna call you that no matter what you do or don't do or say or don't say- so don't worry about that. It sucks energy and life right out of ya if ya do.

Yeah, there's gonna be a battle ahead. But know this Kassie: the hardest part was leaving him and you've done that. You're a survivor now, out of the situation, and you're calling shots. Always remember that you can't control what he does, but you can control your reaction to him. You're gonna make it kassie.

Army~ how did reading your devotional go? Were you able to do it? What did you read about?

free

December 6, 2006
10:49 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Kasie and Army,

I have posted a thread on the Support side titled: "Overcoming & Surviving Abuse - What Can Really Happen!"

Please, please read this. This is the story of my daughter.

May her story give you courage and strength.

Love,

Z.

December 7, 2006
10:39 am
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kasie919
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Im posting here, again, from my job, havent gotten the phone situated yet.

Yesterday was my day off, I spent 3 hours of my morning waiting at the one food basket to seek help.. I felt horrible, until all these people came to me and starting talking to me, telling me there own stories, some much worse than mine, ,

much worse.......

I got inside and spoke with the women there, who looked at me like i was human, i was ok and things happend, she talked me thorugh the program, and gave me all the inforamtion possible, she was wonderful, i cried as i walkewd out that door, feeling as low as my life could have ever felt, i felt as if, i had been damned into eternal shit..

but then i went to my church, seeking counseling from my pastor, as i did the intake, i sat in the waiint groom, and again , as every time i walk in there, i felt the warmth andnlove i needed to feel, somones arms around me..
The woman at the desk , assured me everything will be ok, i really felt she was sincere...

got a phone call from my boss on the way back home,his wife and son cleaned out there freezer and donated it to me...i was in shock...

I came into to work this morning, my boss had purchased an old caravan that needed more work than a customer could handle, he gave it to me, im still in shock, i cant beleive that these peopla have helped me and cared for me so much, and have known me only a little time, I have so much to be thankful for,

Im gona be ok, i have a long hard road ahead, i still want to cry, i still have a future that looks bleak, but now im just moving one day at a time, its all i can do..

December 7, 2006
11:10 am
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kasie919
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I hit the send before i was done, sorry,,,,,

I am still at the bottom, and really only have my son to keep me going,

Im not piting myself i just am very very lonely and sad, I imagine it could be worse.

Im just sad, no family , christmas isnt the same, I try, it just really really hurts,

and then i miss my mom, i know i keep coming back to that, i just wish she was here.....

just wish...

Kasie

December 7, 2006
11:27 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Kasie,

I remember those feelings...

One year, they put my name in for xmas gifts thru the town. And the town had enlisted the help of the church.

Well, me thinks that someone at the church knew who we were, despite the tickets only saying "mother and daugther and ages and interests".

When I went to pick up my gifts, I CRIED.

Her whole trunk of her cadillac (you can fit ten people in one of those) was FULL. And the gifts were not dime store, dollar store, junk gifts. They were beautiful, and appropriate and wonderful gifts. I still have many of them today. My daughter loves wolves and one person "adopted" a wolf for her and we got the info on the wolf and such. I got nice clothes...beads to make jewelry, nice lotions.

Anyway, it REALLY killed me to ask for help, because I live in a REALLY small town and everyone knows everyone. I felt like the poster child for poverty.

But you know what? We had gifts that year...and I could say that yes, daughter, SANTA CLAUS IS REAL.

I miss that town...it truly was home.

And you know that feeling? the one you speak of when these people are surrounding you with kindness? I get that feeling, it makes me want to cry...feels like someone is squeezing me in a bear hug....I get it in church, and in my coda meetings...and you know what? I believe it's my higher power (god) holding my in his embrace, hugging me and making me feel like everything is going to be ok. I feel like a food crying in church for no reason, but it's hard not to when you get "that feeling".

I am glad people are reaching out...there is kindness in the world...it's just not well publicized.

December 7, 2006
11:52 am
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Rising, I was just gonna say, Yes, there are good folks in this world just waiting to help someone. I have heard over and over from different folks thru the years... I'd like to help but I just don't know what to do. They were honest and sincere in their hearts. All they needed was for someone w/ a need to be presented to them and they were all over it likes bees on honey. Kasie..everyone.. NEVER feel bad about asking for help. I am a proud person and that was a hard hurdle for me to jump, and I still have a bit of trouble taking that first step to open my mouth and ask, but when I do the blessings pour in.

Kasie I'm so glad things are looking up. Now for the lonely part. Find something to occupy your mind when that comes around. Go volunteer at a shelter or hospital. Do you know the joy of reading a simple book to a child in the hospital brings? Go try it out.

Kasie... you are well on your way to freedom. I'm proud of ya girlfriend.

🙂

December 7, 2006
2:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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oh, how about just going to the library and browsing, check out some books or videos, let little man browse the kids section...sometimes they have story hour...you can meet other parents that way too.

I like the volunteering part too, I would LOVE to be near a major hospital and work in the nursery, soothing little babies who need luvin...or at an old folks home, playing cards (many old people need companionship and they "adopt" the ones that befriend them, because their own kids abandoned them - little man could get a grandma this way!!, they LOVE visiting with kids)....or a food bank - help yourself and help them too, they need help stocking their shelves, making up boxes and doing administrative work....my best friend gets "extra" favors this way, and also landed a good paying job there once the other paid assistant leaves. Or how about volunteering to teach sunday school classes or something...or being a helper.

Just some ideas.

In the end, the effort you put out helping someone else in need comes back to you tenfold.

December 7, 2006
4:33 pm
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Im about to close up shop and go, just wanted to write and say thank you for all your kind words,

my next plan of action os to start calling about xmas for my little man, although i may have some money, it may not be enough,

im trying, very hard,

and i have gotten very inviloved at church doing any thing and everything i can, i have joined several groups but they dont start until after the new year, tonight is first thursday, just a night of praise, and reading from the bible, im going just to go, to get out, have friends and people around me, i know it sounds ridiculouse to some, but tis where i feel like home..

i can cry and no one makes fun of me, they care they truly care....

well, have a good night..

oh and rising, ive not heard from sito for a long time, but im hoping he checks in once in a while and sees how far we have made in our journey...

i know who you are,

thanks for caring...

Love kasie

December 7, 2006
5:58 pm
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armyleo
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Kasie Angel,

Your going to make it, I know you are...

Your mom is in your heart...Just remember that...

I cannot even imagine the pain you feel, of missing your mom especially at this time of year...

Kasie, I wish I could just hug you, and hug you I would...however, this cyber hug will have to do. (((Kasie)))

Take care,
ArmyAngel

December 7, 2006
6:14 pm
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ggfred4
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army, just answered you on another thread...fell asleep...sorry, i missed you...

December 7, 2006
8:01 pm
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armyleo
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I don't know what to say???

I guess I havee too many things going in my head, and here (home)...I don't know...but feel I need to be here...

free, it's funny how events or coincidences happen, I needed to relax myself, and remembered that I told you I would read from a devotional book. I'm glad because I would not have thought of doing that.

The book is called "Simple Gifts", Unwrapping the Special Moments of Everyday Life. It's broken into six sections.

1. Remember What Matters
2. Cherish the Moment
3. Simple Life with God
4. This is the Lord's Day
5. Fresh Start Joy
6. Live Now

The first reading was "the best things in life are free". Basically that good things in life are not necissarily new car, bigger home (know that one), cruise etc. but seeing flowers burst in spring. when a stranger offers a smile, or extends a helping hand, to someone else, they never know how deeply that person needs it.

Kasie I thought of you and what you are going through, Kasie the little bible verse was Isaiah 55: 1-2

I also thought of this site...gosh now I'm going to cry...

Don't give up on me if i'm not moving fast, please don't...

December 7, 2006
11:50 pm
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Hi Kassie!

this is really good news! the only thing I'd have to disagree with you on is the comment that your future looks bleak. Kuz it does not. this is a time of change, that's why it's lonely for you. new connections, ties, bonds, will form over the next year and Christmas will be different yet again next year. This is a time when you're letting go of the past, coming to terms with it all being a memory. You speak of Christmas not being the same. What were the happiest and saddest times?

Army~ I'm so glad you posted. The best things in life are indeed free. The delight on a child's face when blowing a dandelion, singing on stage in those Christmas plays. Sunsets on a warm sunny beach. I could go on and on. These are things that feed the soul, nourish the spirit.

Give up on you? For not moving fast enough?

Army, listen. You are either going to stay with your husband or you aren't. That choice is yours and yours alone. If you choose to leave, the timing will be yours, and yours alone.

I don't NEED you to leave your husband. That's up to you, and I respect that. I respect you enough to respect your right to make that decision.

I come here and reach out to you kuz you weigh heavy on my heart. I don't know why, or how all that works. I know that sometimes somebody will reach out to me, just when I needed it, sometimes when I wasn't even aware that I needed it.

anyhow- for some reason, I've an urge to come here to see how you are and what's going on with you. I type what I've an urge to say.

Army, there's no "giving up on you" kuz I'm not trying to do anything other than reach out to you. Every time I post, I reach, and my needs are fulfilled.

What do you need army? To be fulfilled here?

free

December 8, 2006
1:02 am
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armyleo
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"What do you need army? To be fulfilled here?"

Gosh I never, thought and no one asked. I guess without thinking hard on the question, my immediate need, is knowing I can come here and reach someone, that I'm not alone, that I can talk and be heard. Next would be working on me, learning, about co-dependancy, etc. Although to be honest, I'm scared...scared of what I'll learn and find. I want to change, yet I don't want to know I failed all these years.

I'm scared, of being alone, abandoned, If I were to leave, or my H left me. when I was little I was taken to my grandparents and left, when I saw my parents next I didn't know they were my mom and dad.

Free I'm just tired, of having to always, say what people want to hear, of not being myself, but at the same time, I'm scared no one will like me.

bottom line, one word comes to mind, I'm rambling now but I want to be loved...don't laugh but sometimes I feel like and adult, who is thinking like a teen. And not in a good way, like grow up!!

I'm scared if I say something dumb, people will not talk to me again, so I try not talk to much. I want to fit in, I guess I've had that hang up since I was 5 years old, and started school, and didn't know the language.

I'm sorry I guess I got off the subject.

December 8, 2006
1:39 am
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Hi army!
How I can relate to your words, to this very day.....laugh at wanting to be loved? I've searched for that all my life.....every time I think I've found it, I wait for somebody to pull the rug out from under me, as if it can't be real. I never quite fit in army, no matter how I tried. I think different or something.

When I first started working on my marriage, I too was scared of what I'd find. On some level I knew what I'd find, but didn't want to. I wanted to move on from childhood hurts, not go back. Sometimes, army, we have to go back before we can move forward. We have to go back and work through things that were never worked through.

I, too was terrified of being alone. I'm not sure to this day what that is all about. I've since learned that for me, being alone is better than being in an unhealthy relationship. Loneliness is bearable when somebody's not continually attacking. The loneliness I felt in my marriage was like a huge hole in my heart, my soul, my entire being.

I hear all the time about how what I think of myself is more important than what others think of me. But inside, to me, the reverse is true. I struggle with this daily, and always have.

I'm in a healthy marriage right now. this man definitely loves me, and is very good to me. Something's missing, and I don't know what it is. Again, I'm scared to try to find out what it might be, kuz I'm always afraid that I might lose or ruin what it is that I do have. I used to say that in my former marriage- that I was afraid of losing what I had. I dunno. i'm rambling here.

You'll never say the wrong thing here army.

(((army))))

December 8, 2006
1:56 am
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armyleo
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free a couple of days ago you said "start taking care of and tending to the hole that's in YOUR heart, and your soul. Kuz that, army, is your responsibility."

can i ask a dumb question, how do I do that, where do I start?

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