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mama, free, anyone i need help
December 1, 2006
3:16 pm
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armyleo
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Hey Kasie,

Something you said trigged my memory, just trivial stuff.

I use to decorate, have birthday parties, make sure kids were happy on special occasions like Christmas, Birthdays etc. H hated it complained, I put up with his moaning and bitching etc. At the end he was 1 who socialized etc. Then when everyone would leave, it was back to his foul mood etc. Not even having people over. Just us kids, he claimed we made a mess, what are the kids learning, they should be cleaning organizing their room, ironing, washing what ever..

If we went out, he would/still gets upset, we should be home. A woman belongs at home.

Now the last couple of years I am starting to feel bad, I gave in...I no longer have the spirit or drive, or let it roll off me, I use to be able to take his moods and pretend, or make the house still run, as if nothing were wrong.

Your decorating the tree made me realize, I've given up, I've become like him, I don't care, it's just another day. I don't know maybe it's me who is bad "toxic" not a good parent/person anymore. Maybe my attitude, has made him who he is now???

I guess I don't care anymore, I tried caring for many years, can't do it anymore. Give up... just feel like giving up...This is me my life, why change, it's not gonna change. Accept, go on, I have for what 18 yrs. What did I think I could suddenly change, I could change him. We would live happy life's all of a sudden? I'm deluding my self.

Sorry Kasie, I didn't mean to interrupt your thread...You go forward, you stay strong, you can do it... I want to know you did it...

I have to tell myself, this is it for me...there are no fairy tales...my spirit is gone, accept it he won the battle...

December 1, 2006
4:46 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Army:

IF you are gonna make it you can NEVER accept that he has won.

HE HAS NOT won coz you are still standing. Fight Armyangel... Fight

December 2, 2006
1:16 am
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Hi Kassie- don't really know what to say right now, sending happy thoughts. You can only do your best, that's all anybody can ask. Private school might not be a possibility. Are you against public education?

Hi Army- I had gotten to a pretty low point before I filed for divorce. Had the same thoughts. And then one day, not sure where the thought or idea came from- but I figured what the heck- hell is hell, it knows no depth but at some point the suffering levels off to where it's just a different type of suffering depending on the day. Kinda like- it can't get worse- it just moves from one thing to another. Like physical pain- there's excruciating and excruciating times two, but both are equally debilitating.

So....figured I'd leave. If he killed me then my problems would be all over. Told him that one day. Said "ya know what, go ahead and kill me kuz when ya do my problems will be over and yours will have just begun." It shut him up for that phone call anyway.

Tell me army, what is it exactly that he has won? the conquering of your spirit? he can't do that. It's the one thing that a person can't take away from us. Our thoughts, our feelings, our beliefs, whether or not we love, hate, trust- these things can't be taken. This part of you he doesn't have, he can't control, he can't know. And THAT is what all this crap about jealousy and his insecurity is about. He knows it- senses it. You have shut him out and he can't MAKE you let him in.

So tell me, what exactly has he won?

In his quest to conquer and completely dominate you, he has lost you and he'll never get you back. Trust is something we never give to the betrayer twice. Not completely. Think about that, kuz it's true.

He's in his own agony, his own hell. He is alone emotionally, spiritually. He feeds off you. And the thought of you leaving terrifies him. He worries about it all the time. Strategizes to make sure he stays "on top." He knows deep inside what you know deep inside army:

the choice to stay with him is yours, and yours alone.

(((army)))

December 2, 2006
12:38 pm
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kasie919
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Army...

one thing i have learned was nver give up, , never!!

Although I have down days, and although i have small materail things, what i have is, my freedom, my life, my son, my home, my choice, I have fallen into many many days of deep deep depression, as you will as well, You will overcome those days once you get free..

Please please try not to let him win, please try and get the help you need, show him you are better show him you can get away, and do it all on your own, i know you can..

and when you feel those deepest darkest hours, come here and write, come here and say what ever you want, we have all been at those dark hours, we all know the oain your feeling...

Please dont give up angel...

i love you and many others here do as well..

Kasie

December 2, 2006
12:50 pm
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kasie919
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Free:

Public school, is out of the question, first of all my son missed the cut off date by 2 days for kindergarden, so i still have to worry about daycare, until next september any way, second i would never put my son into a school that the grades are at the lowest in the nation, where students bring guns and poisen teachers, where they beat up others, even the teachers..
i have moved to the worst ossible schooling state ever..YUK!!

But even if it was to pay for school or for me to suruvive another week late on rent, i will pay the school,

Im tryin my best to do waht is right for my son, although some may not approve, so be it, I have no one to answer to but myself,

i am trying, to give him the best i can give given the circumstnaces i am in,

I work hard, it sucks that i have to be here in this state and know that i may have to be here for at least another 10 or so more, But i can prove that just with the schooling alone, moving to a better state educationally is a benefit..

i have a list of phone numbers and places for assistance to call, so i will be busy...

kasie

December 3, 2006
2:14 am
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Hi Kassie~

Let us know how the phone calls go! The school situation- there's pros and cons to both public and private education, let me know if ya wanna discuss it. I'm a teacher so it's right up my alley!

Hey army~ how are ya doin today? Christmas is only a few weeks away so I'm sure things are getting pretty tense. Do you have any kind of a plan to deal with the holidays or are ya just gonna kind of ride it out day by day?

Thinking about ya

free

December 3, 2006
11:05 pm
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armyleo
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I'm here, almost didn't write...not any better, but I guess needed someone...

Free... I don't understand "Do you have any kind of a plan to deal with the holidays"

I pretty much do day by day...

He crashsed his truck Wed/Thuram blamed me I put stress on him, I doh't help him I don't do this I don't d that...'He was on a freking rampage, that's why he won...I can't fight him any more, I can't, I feel empty...

I have no spirit lefet, hhe crushed whawt I had. He says I'm physcloggically something rong with me..

Doesn't matter what I think doesn't matter what I say, it's all wrong. Emotionally it's too hard, He goes on and on, I freeze up and clam up don't know what to say...Just keep taking it all.

going to be sick again...I'm sorry I keep coming back here, you guys don't have to listen to me it's okay, if I'm A BOTHER...I'm sorry just need to write.

mama cin...I can't fight I have no fight in me...

December 3, 2006
11:49 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

Honey, I know you are tired. I am not saying fight w/ him. If he blows the best thing you can do is not saying anything.

Let's see. He wrecks his truck and it's your fault. Yes, I remember that one several times. Once he hit the side of a metal bridge and then drug me out to the site to tell me he was trying to commit suicide to get away from me and now he's still stuck w/ me. I was never good for anything just like you are not.

"Doesn't matter what I think doesn't matter what I say, it's all wrong. Emotionally it's too hard, He goes on and on, I freeze up and clam up don't know what to say...Just keep taking it all." Yes, I think Free, Kasie nd I can all attest to that.

What I am trying to say here honey is that YOU KEEP COMIN back here. We know your pain all to well. Please tho... look in the mirror and say "I AM LOVED"coz honey there is plenty of here who love you.

(((holding you close)))

December 3, 2006
11:52 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Hi mama...

Miss you.

Mich
(((mama)))

December 3, 2006
11:55 pm
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Hi army

I'm glad you post army. I hope you never go away.

By a plan for the holidays I mean the following. For me and most people I know who've been in the situation, the holidays were the worst. I don't know what it is really, but my ex monster was the meanest during these times. One year he got all drunk the night before christmas and I was up all night puting together a wagon for the kids- he sat at the table swearing and saying the cruelest things all night long- even after his friend came- who I'd called- he wouldn't even let his friend help me put the kid's stuff together-didn't wanna call the cops on Christmas eve-oh those memories make me so sad. I was so sad. Anyhow, for a few years, I'd make these plans on what I was gonna do when he'd lose it- like on Fridays I'd make sure this one friend was available so I could take the kids to her house if I needed to, one year I planned to pack up the car and drive down south to relatives (din't make it out the driveway kuz he came home early wouldn't ya know it.) This was during the years before I finally left.

Army, if you don't have the spirit in you right now to fight him, that's okay. the will to fight will come, and it's gonna come on YOUR time, nobody else's. So you just keep coming here and writing to us. We care about you here, I think that's pretty clear.

Let's make a goal army. k? One thing tomorrow that you can do to give yourself just one moment of joy, or pleasure, or a smile, or learn something, anything positive. I remember this being said to me, and I said I'd plant something outside. So I did. Found some forget me not seeds in the garage and planted them. didn't really get the point until about a month later when they were blooming all blue. I remember sitting outside smoking a cigarrette and thinking "wow" I remember when I planted those. I was so sad. And now, they are so pretty. It was cool.

what one thing can you do tomorrow army? No matter how small or strange or insignigicant. Could be making the bed if ya don't normally (I don't lol), planting a seed, reading something out of a devotional Bible, writing a poem, coming here, googling battered women's syndrome and reading about it. anything.

One short term goal.

yeah?

free

December 4, 2006
12:06 am
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Hi mamma~

Yeah. No matter what I did, said, didn't do, didn't say, it was never right, it was never enough, it was never good enough. I had to learn- the hole inside his soul was there before we married and it can only be healed by him. He wanted it healed by me. So it would never, ever, be healed. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I wanted to.

The hole inside your husband's heart and soul army, can only be healed by him seeking outside independent help to work through the pain that caused them.

Until then, he will blame you, and there's nothing you can do about that. so what you do is: start taking care of and tending to the hole that's in YOUR heart, and your soul. Kuz that, army, is your responsibility.

free

December 4, 2006
12:09 am
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mamacinnamon
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HI Free: Good things to do. Hopefully well.

HI Mich: How's things goin for ya? Any better? I think about you but haven't been able to be on much. ((((holding you close))))

December 4, 2006
12:11 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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mama,

I started a thread for you on the other side...I have a quick question for you if you have a minute.

Mich

December 4, 2006
12:20 am
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armyleo
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I don't like holidays either...I'm dreading them alredy...

just feel so sick, chillls, nauseious, head hurts,numb...

free - 1 goal,I will take out my devotional book and read a page. I have packed my books in the corner closets, He hates when I read self help type books and devotional, type books, says I'm crazy...he has thrown, them in trash before.

December 4, 2006
12:27 am
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mamacinnamon
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Army:

Keep them in the closet then. He throws them away coz he is afraid of them. He knows they have knowledge and that knowledge is what he wants to keep from you. If you are given the knowledge then you might learn to stand up to him or even worse you might leave his sorry backside.

You are doing good. I too dread holidays. My hubby tends to get worse. He has been doin great tho since Thanksgiving. I just wanted to tell you how proud of you I am.

December 4, 2006
12:31 am
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armyleo
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Yes, how do you know about the hole in my heart and soul..

I keep trying to fill it, to cover it up to make it better...

December 4, 2006
12:36 am
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mamacinnamon
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Army, you cannot. It's like putting sand in a sifter. It cannot be filled. I'm sorry.

December 4, 2006
12:46 am
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armyleo
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I'm confused??? that's okay, I don't feel good and going to be sick,

I'll come back mqaybe tomorrow, although he is off, not looking forwrd to that either,

December 4, 2006
12:50 am
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mamacinnamon
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I'm sorry honey. Tell us what has confused you and we'll see if we cannot work it out.

I'm sorry he's gonna be home tomorrow. Be safe honey.

December 4, 2006
1:07 am
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armyleo
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thanks for being here....came back just super sick and lonely toniht

December 4, 2006
1:11 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((holding you close as always)))

December 4, 2006
1:18 am
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armyleo
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thanks, I'll curl up and go to sleep...

free and mamacin, thanks for being here and helping me tonight

December 4, 2006
2:36 am
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armyleo
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can't sleep...

December 4, 2006
3:24 am
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mamacinnamon
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still here??

December 4, 2006
3:42 am
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I'm goin on to bed. I hope your night goes well.

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