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Loving, caring, codependent mothers
May 29, 2003
12:24 pm
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Anonymous
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I am an only child, my mother was an only child. Nobody would ever be good enough for me. She only thinks she can decide what is best for me. If I don't do what she thinks I should do I get the (I know what's best and you will always be two years old) long pause. She always manages to pick out what my husband does wrong and he has know idea how to react to this. I'm in the middle. I've tried talking to her. She's in denial. It goes in on ear and out the other. My father drove a truck for the 19 years I was at home so I got to see him for three days out of the week. I understand why now. Children put their parents on pedistools until they grow up and discover they are human. Is this someone you would normally hang around if she were not your mother. I was held to very high standards but she can do and say what she wills and nothing is wrong with that. I used to think she would speak without thinking now I think she does it on purpose. When I confront her she starts crying. My mamaw, her mother died from a seven year fight with cancer the April before I graduated High School. But yet she still love the drama of death. Anybody she might possibly know. If she made me live by such high standards why can't I exspect her to? I am sorry I am just rambling, I need to get it of my chest. I am ashamed of feeling this way. I feel people view me as the spoiled little only child. I promise I'm not. She is driving me insane at times I feel I am the adult in the relationship. How can I be so ashamed of my own mother. How can I have these feelings about her. There are days/months I don't even want to see her? I feel like I'm so out of control. I am a control freak and so is she. It's like we are fighting for control of my life. When God is the only one really in control. Which should make me feel better but I end up screwing things up and put more presure on myself for not doing it right. I question myself. Can I do more, what else can I do, what should I do, instead of sitting back and relaxing and saying I am human and I have flaws and I can't do it all! Any imput out there in cyberspace.

May 30, 2003
4:16 pm
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RayOfLight.

It sounds to me like you are in the process of severing the psychological umbilical cord. From the title that you chose for the thread, I get the impression that you have a fairly good idea of the codependent nature of this relationship.

The question that I would ask myself is: what is the nature of this psychological 'hook' upon which both you and your mother have you hanging?

June 2, 2003
9:53 am
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Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure I understand what you are asking. What is a "psychological hook" I know I should be gratful I have a mother at all. She has such a hard time understanding where she ends and I begin. I feel guilty at times that I don't appriciate her more. I hear all these good things about her and all I can think is if you only knew her the way I do. I don't want to turn into her-feeling empty unless you are helping someone in need. It's like she needs to be needed. She has to be in the middle of some turmoil. Can you help someone who doesn't think they have a problem and should I be the one to do it. We live in a small town and there are very few resources on things like this.

Thanks again.

June 2, 2003
2:56 pm
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rays,

this is a hard situation, but whith love you'll be able to put a respectful distance between yourself and you mother whithout hurting her. I guess that you propably really are the adult in the relationship, and that much of what your mom is doing comes from low selfesteem. You can stand on your own feet now, even if it might sometimes hurt not to have a loving and caring mother that understands you and backs you up - just live your life, be yourself, and give your mother love but dont be her doormat or her puppet to put on a pedestal. You dont want to, so don't - just say no, and if she doesnt listen, 'do no' - stand your ground and don't buy into these "you should" "you'd better" "if you love me you will" games.

June 2, 2003
2:57 pm
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oh, and maybe post your question on the general support - board, too. You'd propably get more replies over there.

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