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LL...
October 27, 2006
3:54 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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My dearest J,

I am writing to you because as you are aware, my feelings are sometimes hard to express clearly in words. I hope that you can read this all with an open mind. As it is, I am already afraid to tell you how I feel. I am scared Jay, scared of my feelings, scared of who I am, and scared of where I am heading. I am not handling life well at all. I have mentioned wanting to go back to Emerge. I believe that is crucial to my sanity. Melody, Judy, and Camille all believe the same thing. I need help in a bad way. You keep telling me that I am a good mom, a good wife, and all of that. You get frustrated when I act as though I think you've lost your mind. The problem is that I don't see it. I scream at our kids all of the time, I don't want to be around them. When was the last time you really saw me enjoy our kids? I really don't. All that has gone on with Arica has really taken it's toll on me. I strongly question the choices that I made for Arica. Though everyone says that I did what every mother would have done, I am not convinced. I feel like I put her through all of that unnecessarily. I blame myself for not being smarter than that. Then my mom will make the comment that we should have never had the first surgery done. I want to ignore her, but you know me better than that. I love my mom, and I want my mom to love me in return. I want to do something, anything right by her. I want her to hold me, to take away the pain that I feel. I will NEVER have that. I have a deep void in my heart because of her, that you cannot fill, nobody can. I am angry again because of what she let me go through as a kid. She let those things happen to me and I cannot understand why. I want a mom, something every little girl wants. She will never be what I want her to be. And right now when life seems very scary to me, I miss what I should have. I didn't ask to be brought into this world. Neither did our kids, that is why I need help. Yes, I bathe our kids, feed them, hug them and kiss them, and tell them I love them, but that isn't enough. They deserve a mom who is happy. One who does more than scream at them. You deserve a wife that wants to be held, that wants to hold you, one that can truly appreciate who you are. Jay a lot of my time is consumed by wanting to die. Driving home from Taylor, I saw a horrible accident, and I wished it had been me. I have constantly brought up you raising our kids alone, because I don't want to live. I get a little weaker with every tear that falls. I know that you have seen very few of my tears fall, especially in the last few months, but that isn't because they aren't falling. You question why I won't take communion at church. I am angry at God. I want to know why. Why has Arica gone through all of this? Why can't our kids just be healthy at least long enough for me to regain some strength? I don't have it. I want to give up. You know that I used to get thoughts of driving my car into a tree while I was driving, that happens a lot anymore. Jay you have watched me go from being happy to this. I can't even decide what I want for dinner, which people say is merely because I am depressed. I don't care what we eat, or if we eat. Sometimes I feel like my opinion really doesn't matter to you anyway. I made it very clear that I don't want our kids left alone with Nick, then you turned around and let him take them in his vehicle. No. I don't have a problem with Nick being around our kids, but not alone. Not now, not for a long time. But you don't even care about what I would consider to be the big things. That is part of the reason I don't bother to tell you the little things. I don't want my brother Dave alone with them either. That is a part of my life Jay that I will never forget. You have been there when I have woken up from nightmares. You have seen the tears that I have cried, the pain that it has caused. You want me to believe that you care. You want me to let go of what my mom. You are upset that my mom let happen to me what happened to me, yet you turn around and put our kids, and your bother in a poor position. My opinion alone aside from everything else should matter to you, and I don't feel like it does. We are not discussing what is for dinner, we are discussing my honest feelings, and I feel like you have no respect for my hearts feelings. That is making it hard for me to want to be too close to you. You want me to have sex with you, which is a struggle sometimes anyway sometimes. I want to want it. But my sexuality has been so destroyed in so many ways, and I feel like you just forget that. My feelings about what happened to me mean nothing to you. That is how I feel sometimes. I want you to care, I want you to hold me, I want to feel safe. But you putting our kids in Nicks care, is not what I consider safe. There is a lot of pain that you cannot fix in my heart jay. I wish that you could. What I need you to understand is that I have myself convinced that the four of you would be better off without me. I don't want Aryn, Alex, or Arica growing up wishing I had been happy, didn't scream all of the time, would've spent more time playing with them, loving on them. It has been said to me that would have to be better than them growing up without a mommy at all. I have myself convinced otherwise. I think that things would be better for them to grow up without a mommy at all, than to grow up in an unhappy home. They don't deserve the life than I am living right now. Miserable. I love you and I love our kids Jay with all that I have, but I am literally scared of how strong all of these feelings truly are. I have to do something for me, I need help. I cannot function like this anymore. It is not fair to any of you, but really it isn't fair to me either. It is not your responsibility to make me happy. I have to do it myself. My kids will not keep me happy either. I am desperately searching to fit in somewhere, be loved, and everything else. But I have to fix the void in my heart. That again, is something that you cannot do. I wish that you could. I wish that I could replace my mom with you. I know your love should be enough, but it's not. I want my mom. I need to learn to cope without her, ignore her, or what ever one thinks is best. I cannot function as a normal part of society at this point in my life. I want to love, and I want to be loved. I know right now that I am not very lovable. I want to be able to have sex with the lights on. I want to have sex and enjoy it. I want to go extended periods of time without crying during sex. I want to not so it just for you. I want to do it out of love, and not obligation. I did it several years against my wishes, I don't want to continue. I want my sexual relationship with you to be healthy. I want us both to be satisfied. I want to be with you and be happy. I want to raise my kids, with their dad. I want to be a family. I want to smile. I want to have fun. I want to get to the point that my feelings don't have to come to you on paper. I want you to be able to hold me and let me cry, and have that be good enough for me. I don't want my mom to haunt me forever. I don't want to remember what she let happen to me, I don't want to relive the sexual abuse while we are having sex, I don't want to feel trapped by my childhood. I don't want to live the rest of my life thinking that I am a bad wife, and a bad mom. I don't want to cry when I am alone. I don't want to be angry at God, I want to feel like I am worth something. I want to get beyond where I am in life right now. I want to let go of you hurting me, I want to decide what I want to do to make me happy and do it. Whether it is losing 50 more pounds, quitting smoking, going to counseling, finding something to do with my friends one night a week, or whatever. I spent a lot of my life hearing that I was a fat, worthless bitch that would never amount to anything and I finally I believe her. I let her beat the shit out of me physically, and emotionally, and she willingly allowed someone else to destroy me sexually. But it is my choice to live like this or to do something about it. I did really well after seeing Melody for a while, and I think that you would agree. Melody thinks that counseling is a good idea. Along with Judy, and Camille. Those three women are very afraid of who I am right now, and the feelings that I am having. I out the dishes away, and I think of what I could do with the knives, I think about driving my car into a tree, and I know that there is enough medication in this house to take me out. I don't want to think about it. And Jay, you and I both know that suicidal thoughts are something that come easy to me. But usually I can shake them within a couple of days, and this time they are getting more intense as time goes on. I can't handle that. I am afraid of myself. I really am. I don't know that I can pinpoint one thing that started all of this recently. It has been piling for a while, but I had to hold myself together for Aricas sake for a long time. That only wore me out more. I am exhausted physically and emotionally. I am ready to give up. I have a long road ahead of me, to become happy, but I can't do it alone. I need you. I need you to hold me when I am hurting, let me be silent when that is what I want, and let me talk when that is what I need. I am trusting you to help me get through this. I love you, but I need help that you and I are not capable of, to make me healthy again. I want to be happy. I want to feel your love like you want me to, please Jay help me get through this. I need you to help me. I cannot do this alone.

October 29, 2006
8:46 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL, I only put this here for you to read because you were talking about where you were a year ago. Please don't feel like you need to respond. I love you gf.

Mandy

October 29, 2006
9:40 pm
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lovinglife
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Mich I have lots to say!! You know me lil sis : )

October 29, 2006
9:46 pm
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lovinglife
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I should have let you known that I was here & printed...sorry. I'm learning : )

October 31, 2006
11:42 am
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lovinglife
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Mandy~

I wanted to take a few moments to start writing some thoughts regarding the letter to your husband. I’m writing this as if this is what is going on today…and it’s not complete regarding thoughts…

You letter brought back a few memories for me and a few feelings I’ve felt before. One of the things I clearly remembered was when my ex would drive my sons (all under the age of 7) around after he’d been drinking-he’d load my babies up in the car even though I’d make it as clear as possible that I didn’t want him to as well as that it caused me great stress… but he continued to act as if what I felt didn’t matter or that I shouldn’t be concerned because he knew what he was doing. They were my babies and I wasn’t heard at all. It’s pretty dis-empowering when you feel like there is nothing you can do to protect your babies from something/someone that you know puts your children in harms ways, esp when it is suppose to be someone who should be protecting the babies just as much, if not more so. . And then when a person feels like their not being heard-it chips away at ones sanity, it chips away at questioning ones own ability to make decisions. You learn to become to feel so powerless. And then ultimately you take it on as if you’re the one being the bad parent. For me those days are long gone about the ex driving the kids around (just to be replaced with something else) and I hope for you that your husband now respects what you feel regarding keeping your babies safe. I felt your pain and powerlessness regarding this.

When I read about how you feel about hubby expressing how upset he is regarding your mother buy yet puts the children in a situation that is similar in some aspects, I can see how confusing, how frustrating, how hurtful that would be to you, and why you’d want to pull away from him, and it’s not even just wanting to pull away- it a natural instinct to pull away. In many ways it’s almost like you are being abused all over again…you’re not being heard, you’re not being protected, and he is sending you a confusing/conflicting message: “Ok, your mother is bad for what she has done to you by not protecting you (the mother you desperately want to feel love from) but I can do something similar and that is ok (the man you feel guilt for not loving like you believe you should)…” By him doing that, you are being totally invalidated. You need the love from your mother you deserve but yet in order to heal from not having received that love, you need someone loving you, someone protecting you, someone hearing you, someone validating your feelings- and your husband is not doing that for you.

What hurts me the most in your letter, and truly what I can relate to is your belief that you’re children don’t deserve the life you are living right now and that they would be better off without you….and that is not because you have been a shitty mom, it’s not because you don’t want to give your children more than you were given in way of protection and love, but because of the support or lack there of you have in your life. What pains me is that I know with out a doubt that if your husband was more understanding, more supportive (just start by protecting the babies) that your feelings of wanting to give up and calling it quits wouldn’t even be a part of you. Why I have connected with you Mandy is because I know that you are a fighter, that you are a survivor, I also felt that just like myself there was someone in your life holding you back, someone in your life not validating your feelings…I also used to think at times when my sons where younger that they would have been better off with out me around. And funny thing right now at this moment, the feeling is coming over me again. And why?

I have so much more to say that you wrote in the letter and I wished that I could get it all out… You also mentioned about questioning if you made the right choices regarding your daughter’s surgery…every parent faced with those decisions would feel the same. And to make it worse is that once again if you don’t have the support behind you, you’re going to feel guilty, you’re going to feel like you made the wrong choices. Also, you mentioned about yelling at the kids…. Just this a.m. when I got up, not really realizing just how much stress I’m under, I yelled at my middle son (18), just snapped at him. Now this is generally not how I am with my sons- in fact through out their teenage years my sons and I have gotten very close, but tell ya when they were younger and all the stress I lived with- I did yell ALOT and wasn’t the mother I could have been to them, wasn’t the mother I wanted to be. It was only because of stress- NOT because of who I am. Does that make sense? Real quick-- after I snapped at my son which has been a long, long, time in between he said to his Dad, “Can’t wait until I move…” Do you know how much that hurt me to hear? It’s because of his Dad, and because of what his Dad makes me feel inside that it comes out on my sons. It was just the same when my sons were little.

Now the real biggie in your letter which I think I am going to save for another posting of its own, is your mother. I’ll get this posted before I lose it or the ex walks in and distracts me.

Love you girl, LL.

I hope some of what I said make sense. Though our stories are different I related on so many levels to things you said through-out the letter... just trying to find the words here.

November 1, 2006
2:15 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL,

In regards to your response to me…Let me say this…

First and foremost, thanks for taking the time to respond. I just posted it to you because I wanted you to know that you were not alone. A year ago, my life sucked too. The saddest part is that VERY little of what I felt then is different from now….

I have never felt like I had the power to make a decision. I don’t even want to, to be honest. If I don’t make them than they can’t be ridiculed or anything else to that nature. Does that make sense? I understand a lot more now of why I feel the way I do about certain things, as opposed to last year at this time. Thanks to Jim. And thanks to this site.

I do believe that my husband will NEVER leave our kids with his brother again. I do believe that. I thikn that I drove that one hard into the ground with him. You said “ it is almost like you are being abused all over again.” That is exactly how I felt, and some days still do. On many levels. I don’t feel heard, listened to, and protected on a number of levels. I do feel invalidated. Always have.

In regards to your statement about needing someone to love me, protect me, hear me, and someone to validate my feelings. …It just isn’t going to happen and I am well aware of that. He is not capable. I think that he loves me, I just think that he is not going to be the one to do that for me. And I am not sure that I will ever find someone who is. I have lived a lonely 30 years of life, I will be alright.

I do have myself convinced with reason that my kids would be better of without me. Does that mean I don’t love them? NO. I just want what is best for them, and right now, I KNOW that isn’t me. I am starting to feel that way about most people in my life to be honest…

You said you have a lot you want to say about my mother. Well, there is a lot to be said. But some of what she has said and done was right, and I know it. I just hate that she still tried to make me miserable. And she succeeds. Yes, I let her. Fine, call it what one will. But that is my mother, and all I want is for her to f*cking love me, IS THAT SO WRONG? What have I done so bad that she can just treat me the way that she does? WHAT? What does one do at ten years old to deserve being beaten repeatedly? To have their head beaten into walls, their hair pulled, smacked around? At what point did I go so wrong that it was ok for her 300 pound boyfriend to stick his tongue in my mouth, his fingers inside of me, play with my breasts, and eventually steal the only security I had, the only choice I could have made, but what did I do so wrong that she allowed him to use me and abuse me, until he could steal my virginity? WHAT? Or did she let him cause she didn’t want to do it. She left me to do it. I was way too young, it hurt so bad, and I will never be able to let it go. NEVER. I can see it, I can still feel the pain, I still cry, and now a lot of the times that even my own husband touches me, I see “him”. The monster that she let ruin my life. My own husband can’t touch me and have me be comfortable because of what she LET happen to me. She was in the damn room sometimes. I know she knew what was going on. WHY? WHY? WHY?

November 7, 2006
5:58 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well, I just want you to know that I am NOT joking when I tell you what I do. I am ok for now, BUT, I just want you to know that I am honestly not playing games. The urges that I have faced to cut myself are almost unbearable. The heartache I feel is very REAL to me Jim. My chest is tight. I would be willing to bet that everyone I know would tell you that I am doing good. Now, Jay knows that I was moody on Sunday,,,BUT, he is SO clueless. I have done my best to make the world think that I am alright. I am honest with you, and my website. Now, granted, Jay asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him I wanted a pistol....Yeah, cause that is a great idea. But, he is clueless. Oh well. I am sure that this will all work out somewhere along the line. I do have a small hope Jim, that is the only thing keeping me here. Do I want to die, ABSOLUTELY. Can I handle feeling this brokenhearted forever...NO. Do I have the balls? Don't doubt me. It isn't about being selfish, I don't care what anyone says, it is about wanting the pain to STOP. I cannot live like this. This pain controls me. I told you, I wake up wanting to die, and I go to bed that way. I know that I suck as a mom. Sure physically, there needs are met. But, what I am lacking, they aren't getting either. I can't live with myself knowing that I cannot let go of my past enough to quit screwing up my kids. They will wind up just like me, because I am JUST like her. That is NOT how one wants to live. She doesn't care, I do. She doesn't care that she destroyed me, I can't live with knowing that I am doing the same thing. Aricas adoption was filed for because I want to make sure that Jay gets her, NOT my mom. Not because I care for ANY other reason. I know that it matters to them....as far as I am concerned, JAY IS HER DAD. However, at this point he isn't and I want Arica to be left with her siblings. You want to know what else...There is more to another story that you are not getting. I got sick last November...I went to the hospital, they put me on antibiotics for an infection....I knew that it would, or could affect the way my birth control pill worked. So I quit taking it. So when i found out that I was pregnant in December, I knew why. He assumes that it was either because of the antibiotics or just one of those cases where it just happened....So that is why I went through with having my tubes tied. To punish myself. Because I hate me. I have a beautiful baby boy, and I got what I wanted...but through what? A lie Jim. I wanted another baby so bad....SO bad. But once, just once....I got what I wanted. Someone couldn't control me, I could get what I wanted out of this. And I did. So, you wonder why I want to die. I am a miserable person. All I think about is hurting myself. I don't want to live like this.

Now, in that, I promise the girls on the website daily that I won't...along with one other girl on the site that makes the promise to...but that scares me too Jim. I don't want to do in patient ANYTHING...I truly don't....I just want it to all go away...That is all. I am sad, and depressed..and I want to quit taking my meds because they aren't doing me any good anyways...

Jim, what do I do? I am so sad...so lonely. All I want is someone to physically hold me and let me cry...someone to tell me that this will be ok. I want to not blame myself just once for what happened to me.

November 7, 2006
10:42 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Mandy,

I want you to know, clearly, that I DO NOT FOR A MOMENT think that you
are not absolutely SERIOUS about what you shared with me. This is in
NO WAY, a casual statement that I take lightly. It is time for you to
get the help you so desperately need.

Immediately call 911 or Go Directly to an Emergency Room at the either
Ingham Medical Hospital or Sparrow Hospital. If you are hesitating,
call The Listening Ear Crisis Center

November 7, 2006
10:45 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I won't do it Jim....I want help...but I won't do it that way. I don't know that there is help truly...I want to believe that...I do. Jim I will not talk to someone that I cannot trust...I have learned to trust you...I do. I am just scared...VERY SCARED.

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