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Libido on the Rise...D dog
December 26, 2005
7:31 pm
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D dog
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First off, I'm thinking this: I got off Lexapro a couple weeks ago, and I know that anti-depressants are a big "downer" for sex drive...so maybe that's it?

But! You would THINK that having a BF who just recently cheated on me would be a huge turn OFF, and not an ON.

So, here it is, huge confession, and I am so worried that this makes me a deviant human being...

I have never been so incredibly excited by anyone as I am now by him.

Why THE HELL is this?

(Yes, we had the STD talk, his episode was a "safe one", so no worries there...)

But why am I so hot for him now that I can't get thru the day without at least 1 or 2 "wanks"? PLUS having sex with him, which is better than I ever could have imagined now?

Does this mean that I have no self respect? At all?

December 26, 2005
7:39 pm
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Before assumptions can be made - I've already considered that fact that maybe it's me trying to please him and "get him back" - but BELIEVE me, that is not the case.

It is strictly about ME - I've f**king the living s**t out of him, and putting myself first (something I've never done, by the way).

I can't figure it out, I really can't.

December 26, 2005
9:09 pm
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D, for the most part I am just reading these days, but could not pass on speaking up here--when I first found out that my ex was with other women while we where living seperately, I was ALL about it in a sex way, like three times a day pornographic mind boggling sweat dreanching neighbors complaining way. i'm starting to realize now that I was not turned on by him or what he did, and quite frankly, was not turned on at all--rather, I was feeling bad and insecure and distrustful and remoursful and regretful (you can't go back and make something like taht not happen, it can be heavy emotionsaccompanying that!). I was having some anxiety and a lot of saddness even before the emotional abuse began to get really intense, and sex made that GO AWAY. I knew I was the one he wanted, I knew he was pleasing me in that second, it was a lot of instant gratification, adrenaline, extatic emotion filling in the sort of void and sadness I may have been feeling otherwise. And also, the fact that he was with other women sort of said to me that I was not the only one and that he could lie to me with a straight face--it put me, in some ways, beneith him in my own mind. Like, he must be some pretty hot shit that he can sleep with other people, lie to me, and still be living it up with me--I'm with someone who doesn't even need to be with me, obviously I am replaceable, so he must be bettter than me. Not rational, and I realize not true, but at the time that would probably most accurately account for that part, I felt below him int eh scheme of things, when he cheated on me that is where it put me, with those other women I didn't know out there as the women who may have it all over me, etc (by the way, looked one up--I'm SOOOOO above him and anyone who owuld have him after the person he is, and it is clear byt the girls he ended up attracting--ug. Total flakes).

Just what I recal from MY sexually feuled time after being cheated on. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, constant sexual thoughts, etc. Maybe too you can relate to this: I would start to drift off and think about what may have transpired between the aothers and he, then as the morbid rehashing of what hurt me so much became too painful I had to fill it in with myself or abstract it and focus just on the sexual sensation to really be overcome with something besides hurt, anger, resentment, anxiety, etc.

If you guys are working things out though, get yours girl! He owes you all the loving you want after he gave it to another lady, just fill up on nookie and enjoy it!!!!

NO lady should talk like that, I'm sorry. But seriously, why is it bothering you? What about it is touching a nerve or causing concern, I bet whatever the problem is goes hand in hand with whatever the concern is.

December 26, 2005
9:12 pm
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exoticflower
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Also, the adrenaline may just be releasing itself best sexually, you must even if you are working on forgiving him feel a lot of reasonable and apropriate anger, and it's not like you can hit him or break stuff--this way, everyone wins (unless it starts to scare him or make either of you uncomfortable, of course. If not, call it cu\onstructive release of negative energy with a possitive outcome!)

December 26, 2005
9:18 pm
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Oh, and another thing--that feeling lesser than, which is normal if you are the one cheated on or betrayed, it does still make the other person seem "greater than" and so, more desirable to you in a weird way. If that makes sense, my therapist explains it better.

OK, really, that's it. I just went through the same sort of thing, completely all consuming hornies, and hope I can help with my recount and what I've figured out.

December 26, 2005
9:27 pm
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D dog
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EF -

Yup. It hurt me to the core till I let myself do the "envisioning", and then - well, quite frankly, it has driven me mad.

I have even had "threeesome" fantasies, where of course I am the dominant party, but "allowing" him to f**k someone...

Oh, God, this is just sick. Or is it?

There is NO WAY I would ever go there in real life, but yeah it IS the "three times a day pornographic mind boggling sweat drenching etc."

At least it's good for me, and maybe..it's letting go of the need to please him and focusing on me that is the good thing here.

At any rate- I am enjoying being hyper-orgasmic...

Thank you SO MUCH for replying to this...touchy subject, I know!

Love ya -

D.

December 26, 2005
9:54 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Well, I think that your sex drive is an expression of your life force--it is a good thing.

As to whether your attraction to your bf is a bad thing....well, only if he is a dishonerable person and involvement with him is going to cause trouble for you. Many people slip and cheat once or twice. Just make sure that he is comitted to never repeating that mistake.

Otherwise, you can probably find hot guys who would want to have an honorable and monogamous realtionship. They do exits, you know.

December 26, 2005
10:47 pm
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exoticflower
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D, maytbe creating something on your terms is making it easier on you and your mind, giving you back some sense of power that IS a turn on?

I TOTALLY know what you are going through, btw, and my heart goes out to you--it is frustrating not to be able to enjoy your sexualities origins. Good luck to you with this.

December 26, 2005
11:18 pm
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I think it's very natural for a woman to be turned on by the virility of her mate. I've heard of things like that happening among polygamous relationships, where it actually turns women on that their man is with another woman.

December 26, 2005
11:52 pm
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D,

I went through something similliar but different. It was a lot like EF describes.

When I found out Mike was cheating, I'd break up, he'd find his way back then the next months or so would be about the act of showing him how desireable I am and what a fool he was to wander.

In my case, I would literally bomb him with sex.

Especially when things got quiet, because the quiet use to make me (a girl who developed an affinity for the CHAOS and the NOISE in childhood) very uncomfortable...

The quiet always amplified my fears...He's gonna do it again. This time, he's gonna meet some super hott agile gymnast chick who leaks sex all over the room. Or worse yet, you know how your relationship is built on your "differences"...yeah, well he's gonna meet some one who more like him than you could ever be, and realize what he's missing.

I didn't trust him and I didn't know how talk to him about the lack of trust. Still, I couldn't handle the quiet or the questions that the quiet brought on. So, in order to convince myself that I was keeping him happy and faithful, I turned into his porn princess. It seemed like the the best way to control he was feeling for me (quite literally).

I think I said all that to say that my sexual over drive was more about insecurity and fear of loosing him than active libido.

If I may, I would ask you to look for the hidden reasons for your leading libido.

If you're sure you new found sexual enegry has nothing to do with H then OH MAN do I envy you!!!

This is Tez's not mine...But I wish you many, many perfect orgasms (cause the imperfect ones are a drag).

December 27, 2005
1:15 am
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Philmore Bowles
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WD - "They do exits, you know."

;D LOL

December 27, 2005
10:32 am
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D dog
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LOL - I caught that one, too...

Well, thanks you guys, I don't feel like such a freak now...

Everything said here has made so much sense! I can't disagree with a single sentence...

WD - We're 1 all now on the cheating thing, and wiping the slate clean because of fit...I do believe he IS committed to it never happening again...

Seekerw - being turned on by the virility of my mate - that's exactly it, just the virility itself. Wonder why I didn't view it that way before, though? Maybe I didn't fully appreciate him as a sexual being because I was so insecure about the relationship...now that "the worst" has happened, the fear is gone, I feel freer and less preoccupied...less responsible for making sure everything is perfect, cuz nothing (and no one) is perfect, so it's best to just "go for it" in reality...

Y & R - Quiet scares me too. I am trying harder to live in the present moment instead of shutting down, drinking, cowering in fear, etc....I am filling the gaps with me, and letting myself BE myself, damn the torpedoes and all that...if he turns away again after all this, "my work here is done!"

EF - Thanks again for sharing your experience, I really did think I HAD to be the only one going thru this! "...as the morbid rehashing of what hurt me so much became too painful I had to fill it in with myself or abstract it and focus just on the sexual sensation to really be overcome with something besides hurt, anger, resentment, anxiety, etc." Big part of it there, but also - "creating something on your terms is making it easier on you and your mind, giving you back some sense of power that IS a turn on?" It is about my power as well. I am embracing it for the first time ever.

Sigh - as if it's not enough to be an alcoholic and a codep - I've been sexually repressed all this time and never even knew it!!! LOL!

December 28, 2005
11:48 am
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kathygy
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D Dog,

I see this situation in a completely different light, 180 degrees different.

I remember when I found out my ex-husband then boyfriend cheated on me. I felt very angry and totally turned off by him. I did not want him near me for some time.

H does not deserve your increased desire for sex. He deserves your anger.

I believe to be turned on my someone who cheated on you and lied to you and showed total disregard for your feelings and the relationship is a symptom of something else.

It surely ins't self-respect or self-love.

Prehaps as a child you associated love with abuse or with negative excitement. In my humble opinion your sexualizing H's cheating comes from childhood wounds and is very worth examining.

love,
kathy

December 29, 2005
7:47 am
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Relationship Failure
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Hi All,

My ex BF broke up with me after 5 years then said he wanted to give it another go which I was thrilled with.
I found myself so desperatly trying to please him and really working at things that I invested in lots of new undies and all seemed great in the bedroom department.
Unofrtunatly all seemed great to me in every department but it transpired that all was not great for him and he ended it again 6 weeks later saying he just didn't feel the same way about me and didn't see a future in terms of marriage and a family.
I've never felt so sad in my entire life and desperatly want him back despite the fact that he has ended it twice and tried so hard to make it work.
I realise that I was trying too hard and he wasn't really trying at all.
Not sure why he came back to me at all.
I dont regret the 6 weeks we had back together but I do regret not seing things for what the were.
Cant really offer any advice cause I dont even know my own mind right now.

December 29, 2005
11:56 am
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Ddog: My first thought was that if you (blank) his brains out enough it would be like to trying to erase any memories (for him) of Lisa. Wondering if that could be an underlying motivation? Rather than a deep and heartfelt expression of love? Just a thought. SD

December 29, 2005
6:27 pm
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D dog
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kathygy -

I'll be damned! You've yet again cut through my wall of denial and hit the nail on the proverbial head.

The "honeymoon" period (oh how ironic that term is!) is over, and I am now more angry at and digusted by him than ever. He is still drinking, last night I joined in, and a screaming match ensued - I will spare you the details and the expletives, but I really WENT OFF on him about the Lisa thing.

So it's been buried, behind an intense but unrealistic wish that it never happened.

We are supposedly "talking" tonight about everything...my take on it now is that this will just keep happening, unless I can really trust him again...and as pointed out, he is not trustworthy...

SD - no, I'm sure she was crap in the sack compared to me...LOL! I did, however, "erase" her number from his cell phone - I know, why was it still on there? Waiting for him to ask me if I did it so I can say, "What do you need it for???"

Bastard.

December 29, 2005
6:33 pm
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Young & Restless

On the 26-Dec-05 you said:

"This is Tez's not mine...But I wish you many, many perfect orgasms (cause the imperfect ones are a drag)."

I'm racking my feeble brain in order to grasp what this para means.

If you mean that D dog's experiences further substantiate my theory that surging, insatiable sex drive can often times be fear driven, then I am grateful for the reference.

Puuulllleeeeeeze put me out of my misery. 🙂

December 29, 2005
8:59 pm
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sdesigns
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Ddog: Sorry to hear things aren't going well. What are you going to do? It doesn't seem that staying there is good for you. You don't trust H, the relationship is erratic and its difficult to say the least to try to stop drinking when you're around a drinker.

December 29, 2005
10:06 pm
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D, again I am posting, I can't seem to drag myself away from this thread, I so relate and sympathise with you.

What Kathygy said is indeed wise, it really struck a personal and painful but true chord with me too. In my home growing up, when things whent bad the only relief was some intense drama, which I see now as being my own form of cutting, and that's what it was with ex too--I was hurt, I needed relief, the only thing I could find there was distraction via intensity and extremes. It was some sort of control.

And there was tons of sex, and in the instance I was doing it it felt good becasue it was some sort of control and power and such--but inside I was hurting worse than ever, and in the end felt disgusted and sad and used, even though I was giving the sex, even looking for it. I ended up resenting needing the very thing that infuriated me, his sexual selfish taking, the very thing that hurt me so deeply to begin with. And honestly, it STILL aches just to think about.

I have to say that I am with sd, I do think this is not a good situation for you, that you are going for sort of a shock and awe aproach to distract you from the very deep and very engulfing pain you seem to be drowning in.

Also, you want to quit drinking, and I think that is wonderful, but I remember seeing a post where you said it wasn't about what H did, it was all about your drinking--I have to disagree there. YOur Drinking problem is all about your drinking, H betraying and hurting you is all about H hurting and betraying you. His sickness and selfishness is not a symptom of your disease, youa re. Just as no one can make you drink or take responsability for your drinking, no one can make H do what he did, and it is wrong of him, IMHO to make that about you. You own your stuff, let him own his. HE cheated on you. It hurt you. HE did this, not because of you, but becasue of him.

I think H may be using your alcoholism and now your pain to keep himself above you, I see so many parelels in what you are going through and what I did, and it really scares me for you, D. I just don't think you can get over a sickness and start to get better when someone else who is not taking care of themself is coughing in your face all the time. I'm just afraid H is yusing your problems and mistakes to absolve himself of his while you are still suffering from them. That is a completely inequal relationship, and D, you deserve more than that, like to be on equal footing with YOURSELF.

OK, I said I wasn't posting here anymore, but it looks like I am not posting where there is unhealthy conflict, I guess! I couldn't read this and not say anything! (((((D)))), my heart is absolutely breaking for you, and also for myself when I remember going through this--there are red flags here, both in your treatment of yourself regarding this and in Hs mistreatment of you.

December 29, 2005
10:11 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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It's not about him. It's about you.

What are you willing to sacrifice to keep this relationship intact?

Self respect?
Growth?
Independence?
Joy?
Certainty?

Being mad at H - having expectations of H - waiting for H to change - all of this will keep you exactly where you are.

If you're anything like me, you are simply attempting to avoid working on YOU.

You are exactly what you choose to be, regardless of your circumstances. If you don't believe me, ask Nelson Mandela. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who tells you different is protecting an agenda.

Do you really want to be back here in a year, complaining about the same probems and wondering why your life is the way it is?

December 29, 2005
10:12 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi EF: Glad you're peeking in.

December 29, 2005
10:17 pm
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Hi SD< have been all the while, just mostly refraining from interacting where it gets hairy while I am stressed myself--all of my buttons are too easily exposed and I'm feeling too tender for abrasiveness right now. But, I am around and still growing!

December 29, 2005
11:41 pm
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Tez,

I don't understand your uncertainty here...We both know your stuff is highly applicable!

D,

We're here to kick you butt because we love you girl!

December 30, 2005
12:09 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Tis' merely a flesh wound!

December 30, 2005
12:24 am
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Philmore Bowles
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D,

I hope you know I'm not intending to be mean. More like smelling salts.

We already had this conversation - so please take my comments in context.

I think we are walking the same path, in some ways. You know I'm on your side - and I know you can have a great life. You just have to make the right choices.

You know all of this . . .

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