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liberation brew threads
May 31, 2006
12:36 pm
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Wholeness
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I have a 25 year old daughter.She has been involved with drugs and alcohol since she was 15. She has two children-age 3 and 3 weeks. My daughter has been in rehab for drug and alcohol abuse 3 times. She is getting ready to go in for the 4th. Her first child was placed in the care of the state when she was born dut to her mother's D&A abuse. I took my g-daughter from the state and nursed her through withdrawal. It was a very exhausting and emotional experience. She is beautiful and healthy now. After trying it one more time on the streets , my daughter went through rehab, and eventually got her child back. She did well for a year. Stopped going to NA. Got pregnant [with her husband and the father of both children]and transformed into a raging , angry, selfish entity. At one point when she was feeling very sorry for herself she went out drinking. She has been physically and verbally abusive to her husband. I have finally learned to stay away from her when she is in this state to avoid her wrath so I have had little communication with her. I know now that I will be keeping her two children while she is in rehab. I am angry because once again she has caused much havoc and I feel that I have to be the responsible one and I am running very low on energy after years of dealing with alcoholics who seem to ask constantly for more than there share in life. My mother was an alcoholic, my first husband was an alcoholic and my only daughter is on the same path. I am married to a very supportive man who was very involved in the care of the first child and will be with the second.At times I feel that I neglect him because my daughter requires so much of my time.
I don't want to have hope anymore. I feel that these upheavals could come every couple of years and I don't feel that I have the energy to continue. I feel very fatigued and wonder how I will have enough left over to give to these two children that I love dearly and who deserve so much.I even had the very dark thought that maybe we all would be better off if my daughter were dead. I have been to ALANON groups and I felt in everyone that the strength was shown in not sharing your weakness and giving advice rather than exposing one's true fears and weakness and that is why I am going online. Thanks for all you can give out there who have been through this. I am trying to find a way to wholeness. I know this is part of the process. I know my daughter's death is not the answer.

May 31, 2006
1:34 pm
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mamac
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I suggest not enableing her. I was on drugs for years. My family let me fall on my face. That is when I was at the lowest of lows, it woke me up when I lost everything. Somtimes you just have to take all help away. Get custody of her kids or if you cant handle it find somone who can. Make sure she knows you mean buisness, if she is not getting enabled then she has no where to go but down, from there the only way is up. If my parents didnt love me enough to see they were helping me stay an addict by pulling me up everytime I fell I dont know where I would be.
She will continue to keep going to treatment, over and over. I know it is hard but you have to cut the strings for now. It could take a year or more. But I am telling you - no it is not your fault at all, but the more people help her out of jams the longer this will go on. She has to hit rock bottom before she can heal. In the mean time try support group allanon. I have heard it is very helpful.I hate to say this but maybe even if you tell her you arent taking the kids this time. Contact social services. It is your duty as agrandparent to protect them, and by not helping their mom you might help them. Remeber I have been on both sides of this coin I am not trying to be harsh, but for your daughters well being you must show tough love, and stick to it. And remember manipulation is a drug addicts favorite thing to do, dont buy everything you are told. Look past her tears to save her.

May 31, 2006
3:55 pm
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garfield9547
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Excellent advise mamac

Thanks for the post

Garfield

May 31, 2006
4:11 pm
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on my way
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Wholeness for your daughter..not sure of the age limit, but this program seems to work where all others have failed, you can look it up on the internet:

http://www.MercyMinistries.com.

May 31, 2006
7:36 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Wholeness I have never been in your shoes or been involved with drugs so I dont feel qualified to offer opinions but your story touched me and I have 3 daughters and can only imagine how awful for you this must be...

I send you my very best wishes and hope you are able to find an answer that you work with...and I wish the very best to your daughter and grandkids too

take care of yourself

sleepless

June 1, 2006
1:22 pm
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Wholeness
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Thank you mamac. Exactly what I needed to hear. I know in my heart that what you are saying is the truth. Thanks to all of you. I will keep you posted.I cant tell you how good it feels to be heard.
Wholeness

June 1, 2006
1:37 pm
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mamac
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please keep us updated. hugs

June 5, 2006
12:53 pm
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Wholeness
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My daughter has her two children now. When she came to get them,I told her that I could not have a relationship with her if she was drinking and I would be an advocate for her children. I have not called her or offered help as I had previously been doing. I am keeping my distance. I am sending her a message that I will not take a role in solving this problem. My silence speaks volumes. After the birth of her baby I felt confused about my role as a supportive mother as opposed to my role as the enabler. If I try to help my daughter as the supportive mother she takes advantage of the situation. I needed the input I received from mamac in order to get on the right tract without feeling guilty. I am floating down the river now and waiting to see what action may be required for my grandchildren. I am OK with what is happening. My daughter's husband will call me if something needs to be done for the children. I do not call him either.

June 7, 2006
1:02 pm
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mamac
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GOOD for you, you may have just hand a hand in saving her life later down the road. Stick to it, no matter how hard it becomes. Pray, pray, pray.

June 13, 2006
6:41 pm
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Wholeness
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My daughter has just taken a new job and she is doing well. She is going to NA meeetings and has a new sponser. She is on medication for depression and says she is no longer is depressed but feels happy and energetic. I still feel comfortable letting my daughter take responsibility for her recovery. I feel at peace about it.

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