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Leaving my marriage today
June 20, 2005
4:15 pm
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jenbuck69
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September 24, 2010
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Like a good codependant I have put this off for over a month. But today at 1pm as i sit here in my pj's chain smoking i cannot avoid it.
We got married so young 18 and 19, we spent every waking moment together. Very slowly my expectations rose, he only wanted me to be happy and have a good life.
But i wanted what was in my head, he was supposed to figure out what i wanted and give it to me. Even when I dont really know.
I have been calling him a codependent for years, now I look in the mirror and its just me.
Why separate? Because my entire life revolves around him, instead of packing my things I am hoping he will want me to make him dinner one last time.
I know that all the love i give him right now, is only a trick I learned from my parents. I also know that if I stay I will never make my own way, I will continue to live through his life.
I realized I never had my own life, not even throughout school, it was one drama production after the next boyfriend, and so on.
So I am trying to do something I have no idea how to do, and alone without my husband to feed me that constant self esteem that i desperately need.

This man is trying to show me if you love something set it free, and I am ruining it before it even happens.
Anyone who has had to leave, but knows the love is true, but also knows that codependency is screwing it up, please drop me a line.
I could use it today, when i force myself out the door.

June 20, 2005
4:26 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Jen,

I'm glad to see that you are taking responsiblilty for yourself and see that you have to change you, that you can't change him. However, I'm curious why you feel that you have to end the relationship?

Is it possible to work on yourself and still stay married?

Lolli

June 20, 2005
6:57 pm
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CODA_Mom
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September 27, 2010
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Hey Jen,

I agree with Lolli, is there any way you can stay and try to work things out?

Is there a reason why you absolutely must leave? Are you starting to think that you need to grow in another direction and he is holding you back?

June 21, 2005
12:06 am
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exoticflower
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September 30, 2010
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Have you tried therapy or coda? It is not productive to your own well being to take on a victome roll, doing something you do not want to because you feel obliged if you don't. Hugs, I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. It is for me usually pretty destructive when I make decisions while very emotional, maybe spend a couple of days just aproaching one small part of the problem at a time? Like tommorow think about what you want things to be like, the next day work on what it is that you do that stops things from being that way, the next day look at how others have over come it...just a thought.

June 21, 2005
8:36 am
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shyshy
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I know how you feel. I left my husband of 15 years three years ago and it was very hard for me. My life also revolved around him and I felt very lost and alone after we split up. I still do.

I left for reasons other than knowing I needed to find myself though. He was constantly cheating and I just couldn't live like that anymore. I didn't even know I had lost myself till about a year ago. Now I'm realizing that I wasted 15 years of my life living for someone else and didn't get to live my own life. I didn't even know who I was. Now I'm almost 40 and stressed because my life is just beginning yet I feel and am starting to look old. Quite depressing!!

Anyway, if your not having any major issues in your relationship other than needing to live your life for you I wouldn't leave your husband. There are ways to find yourself and live for you and still have a healthy and loving relationship. Maybe even better because you'll be a lot healthier emotionally.

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