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Learn the Art of Acceptance Chpter 12
March 22, 2007
11:16 pm
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armyleo
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Hi I am on...just walked in...

I'm sorry I'm like 2-3 chapters behind in reading my book.

mj - I like your earlier post about accceptance...It's hard to condition myself to think like that.

I read, and say i'm going to remember next time I'm upset or angry and then I don't remember.

GG - You HAVE come a long way...

March 22, 2007
11:17 pm
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armyleo
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I think I might be in denial about things that happened, in the past when I was young....alot of what is happening, with my nephews, is really triggering alot of my younger years.

It's really bothering me...

March 22, 2007
11:28 pm
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mj
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Thanks you guys. Sorry I had to leave. A friend needed to talk!

Why do you think you are unhappy GG?

Army, I understand triggers.

Thanks for working this chapter everyone.

March 22, 2007
11:42 pm
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ggfred4
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mj, I am unhappy because I annoyed someone who is very dear to my heart. They talked to me, I acknowledged it, I apologized, I am miserable. I don't know what to do about my issue about getting upset if people are not pleased with me, the whole seeking approval thing,...just can't stand if someone is disappointed or mad at me. I can't figure out why I am this way and what to do about it. Right now, I just hate myself.

I know I can't be perfect, who can? So why can't I get over it easily when I do things like this? It is like I can't forgive myself. I feel so screwed up now.

March 22, 2007
11:47 pm
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armyleo
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Oh gg -

I know exactly how you feel. You never want to make waves, always want to keep peace, and then when you say something and someone gets offended and annoyed, it just makes me feel bad.

It's like we can never say what we feel, for fear of disapproval, and hurting someone else...

(((gg)))

March 22, 2007
11:57 pm
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ggfred4
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so what do we do army...I can't stand how I am...

March 23, 2007
12:02 am
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armyleo
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I know gg...I don't know either...

gg, please don't be hard on yourself...You do the best you can...

March 23, 2007
4:23 pm
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mj
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Hi GG, When you say that you annoyed someone, could you explain what you did to annoy them? Maybe it isn't your problem and its there issue?

I use to apologize for the air I breathed, thinking that I wasn't good enough. People pleasing has always been a character defect of mine. I am learning that I may disappoint someone and if my motivation was honest and with integrity then maybe I need to step back and forgo the verbal apology. Sometimes others blame us for their problems and because we want their approval and friendship so badly we accept responsibility that isn't rightfully ours.

Sorry I had to cut out again last night. My hubby wanted my attention. You are important.

I had to go to an early meeting this morning and just got home. Thanks for your patience and understanding. I am sorry that you were feeling unhappy and then shared and I wasn't there to respond until now.

March 23, 2007
7:57 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Folks!

Oh how I can relate to this. When I read your posts...tears started to fall down my face.

I saw myself when I was a young girl, tender, romantic, optimistic...and all that beautiful stuff. Yet, not lucky enough to receive love.

Most kids who do are not nurtured or affirmed grow up to lack self-worth and self-confidence. We tend to become people pleasers and think that others are always right and we must be always wrong.

The problem comes if you happen to be around predators...they will see our weak and fragile personality and predate upon us.

GG~ Honey I know where you're coming from. You probably grew up in a home where you were not nurtured and made to feel special. How you feel is quite natural.

When I started my own recovery all these issues came up on the surface and I had to deal with them. In retrospect, whenever I happen to be around abusive people/friends...they usually take advantage of our kind or even too kind nature. To me this is a red flag that triggers me to end up the friendship or eliminate my contact with those folks.

Remmeber whenever someone sets us off..chances are they are either abusors, predators or unhealthy folks. RED Flag to me!

I will get back later!

March 24, 2007
10:54 pm
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ggfred4
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thanks mj,ras, and army...Much better now...

I am such a people pleaser, never want anyone to be mad at me, irritated with me, annoyed...you name it...

Does anyone know how I can change this, or balance it better? I get too stressed about it all, especially if I really like the person.

March 25, 2007
4:09 pm
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Rasputin
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gg~

Honey there is Nothing wrong with being kind person. In fact it is a GREAT quality!!! However, as they say "More is less."

I used to be like that. And sadly for people with us the problem comes when there is someone bad or abusive around...they usually take advantage of our kind and generous personality.

The best thing you can do hon is to start to draw some boundaries. For instance, when someone takes advantage of you in an incorrect or dishonest manner, you should show your anger or disapproval in a polite but firm way.

The best book that can help you with this is "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. Since you're married there is also "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Henry Cloud.

The author is very good, even tho I haven't read these 2 books and am pretty sure they are the best for someone who is struggling with boundaries.

Change is possible gg. I can see a lot in myself in you. I used to be like that and still sometimes I feel that I am a laid back person. However, I have 0 tolerance for abuse and abusers. Sometimes I even feel that I am too patient with abuse which is something I really want to change and start to be quicker to be assertive.

{{{GG}}}

March 25, 2007
6:13 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks Ras, funny thing here...I have the boundary book and workbook and have recently started reading it.

March 25, 2007
6:13 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks Ras, funny thing here...I have the boundary book and workbook and have recently started reading it.

March 25, 2007
6:14 pm
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ggfred4
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geez, I wasn't finished and clicked send I guess...

Anyway, I am trying to understand the line between being kind and drawing boundaries. I have a lot to learn and a lot to start applying...

thanks ras....gg

March 25, 2007
10:26 pm
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mj
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I read that book too and found it extremely helpful in learning that boundaries are healthy! Practice is all that is required and its just a day at a time.

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