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Learn the Art of Acceptance Chpter 12
March 18, 2007
2:34 pm
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mj
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How do we accept all the losses, changes, and problems that life and people hurl at us?

The Grief Process

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

If I can accept that I am who I am, that I feel what I feel, that I have done what I have done. If I can accept it whether I like all of it or not then I can accept myself. I can accept my shortcomings, my self doubts, my poor self esteem. When I can accept all -that I have put myself on the side of REALITY.

So long as we cannot accept the fact of what we at any given moment of our existence...WE Cannot Change.

Review your Life and consider the major losses and changes that you have gone through. Recall your experiences with the Grief Process. Write about your feelings as you remember them.

March 18, 2007
5:47 pm
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Matteo
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I tought that bargaining comes before anger, at least this is how I experience grief, and shouldn't depression be called rather sadness, when actual depression lifts up already, but sadness is still present? On the second thought perhaps anger is present through the first phases, right from the start untill sadness, and sadness is present even with the acceptance, because can you really put a smile on your face when you lost something or someone dear to you forever? Sorry if it's off the topic here, but I don't see grief as such structured linear process.

March 18, 2007
10:29 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks MJ for starting over each chapter of Melody's book sincerely and persistently. Sadly, I was offline most of today. Will have a look sometime later and get back here.

March 19, 2007
1:54 am
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mj
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Hi Matteo,

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is credited with the grief process and she states that no one grieves neatly and may go through the stages forwards, backwards, and repetitively at times. Grieving definitely is an individual process. Your welcome to pick up the book Codependent No More and read this interesting chapter!

I work the chapters because they help me to understand me.

March 19, 2007
10:06 am
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Matteo
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Hi mj

Thank you for the clarification! Nice to see you and good luck with your self-discovery. 🙂

March 19, 2007
1:24 pm
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mj
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Thanks!

Learn the Art of Acceptance is this weeks chapter, and boy do I need it.

I got called and left a message on my answering machine that I was scheduled to work and I was late. Acceptance of the things I cannot change like others. They made a mistake. They didn't schedule me but were passing the buck. I let it affect me personally. I said No, I can't come in, I have other plans. Then my husband jumped on me for lying. Lying? No means no! So I was guilted in calling back and working a shift because I felt responsible for the things that aren't my business. Today I am feel discouraged and depressed. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. I can only change me. I like the job I am doing and I feel discouraged that my workers think I should just know everything. I am doing my best and that's good enough today.

March 19, 2007
1:49 pm
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mj
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"The dreams were there. Many of us held on for so long, clutching those dreams through one loss and disappointment after another. We flew in the face of reality, shaking these dreams at the truth, refusing to believe or accept anything else. But one day the truth caught up to us and refused to be put off any longer. This wasn't what we wanted, planned on, asked for, or hoped for. It never would be. The dream was dead, and it would never breathe again."

March 19, 2007
1:53 pm
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mj
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"We are continually off balance, struggling to accept changes and problems. Accept reality? Half of the time we don't know what reality is."

Acceptance Does Not Mean Adaptation!!! It doesn't mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn't mean accepting and tolerating abuse. It means for the moment we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are."

March 19, 2007
1:57 pm
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mj
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" It is only from this state that we have the peace and the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve our problems. A person who is being abused will not make the decisions necessary to stop that abuse until he or she acknowledges the abuse. The person must then stop pretending the abuse will somehow magically end, stop pretending it doesn't exist, or stop making excuses for its existence."

Now that's empowering!

March 19, 2007
1:59 pm
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mj
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Pg. 133 "If I can accept that I am who I am, that I feel what I feel, that I have done what I have done-if I can accept it whether I like all of it or not- then I can accept myself.

March 19, 2007
2:02 pm
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mj
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My reality is I hate my job. Its not a good match for me. No matter how I sugar coat it I do not look forward to going to work. I don't like what they pay me, I don't like the hours, I don't like the job. I want to be paid more. I don't see this job taking me any where other than giving me a current work history so that I can get a different job.

March 19, 2007
10:24 pm
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ggfred4
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mj,,,I will be posting my thoughts by Thursday...need to reread this chapter first...thank you so much for sharing...this helps me so much...

March 20, 2007
12:57 pm
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mj
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Thanks GG!

Today is a new day. I am a step closer to acceptance. I made it through another day! I talked with my manager because of a coincidence, which I call a higher power thing. I stopped in the break room before my shift and there was my manager. First thing out of her mouth was, yesterday was not your fault.

March 20, 2007
1:41 pm
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mj
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I am learning so much at my job. It can be really stressful. I think that I run away when I am stressed. I have been practicing patience but please hurry 😉

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. When I can accept my reality, then I can chose to take care of myself. I didn't learn all my unhealthy patterns in a few days, so I will be patient that with work I will be able to focus on changing what isn't working.

Talking about how I feel with a manager was a big step for me. Me have needs! I am learning that I do matter and that no one can read my mind. It is up to me to ask for what I need. 🙂 This recovery is Great on days like today! Yesterday sucked and now its a new day. I don't have to stay stuck in the past but can learn what use to didn't work needs to change. I feel freer just being honest about my feelings, my behavior, and my attitude.

I am willing to learn Acceptance!

March 20, 2007
2:02 pm
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Rasputin
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Talking about anger...how true is that!

I once was confronted by a challenging trial in my life and I just did not know how to handle it. I felt that I would burst if I had an outlet of my emotions.

I wish I knew about this process then, I would've handled it much better! Sadly, I did not have a character figure in my life I could lean on. So I shyly repressed my anger thinking that this is the way a good Christian should behave.

As Melody has wisely mentioned in her book...these negative sentiments...if not expressed the way they should...they have a great possibility to recurr and they did INDEED!!!

The moment I acknowledged my negative emotions and managed them the right way...a BIG overload was taken off my back and I have never been happier.

We should not let others' wrong behaviour or abuse get the best of us. If it takes Crying so be it; Journalling so do it; Seeing a therapist so go ahead. Do whatever it takes to go thru this grief process. It is Very true, very healing, liberating, de-stressing. It is a great Comfort!!!

March 20, 2007
3:08 pm
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ggfred4
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Okay, here goes...The stage I think I am in learning the art of acceptance is DENIAL. No, I am not proud of that, but I am trying to be honest. I try to pretend things are not happening so I don't have to deal with them. Just today I have been pondering as to how people can come to this site express anger, sadness, etc. I can't seem to let go of my feelings and am not sure that I allow myself to feel them. When things are going on in my life that other people are upset about, I find myself numb. I have even had people, not anyone real close, die and felt little emotion. I feel cold-hearted.
I think I allow fear to dominate me, therefore I don't deal with situations, emotions, etc.

I am looking at question #2 and the first thing to come to my mind is I don't even want to think about it; I don't think that applies to me. Maybe my life isn't that bad and not worth analyzing.

Gosh, this sounded so negative...sorry...

March 20, 2007
8:42 pm
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Rasputin
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GG don't worry it is a gradual process hon. You are doing just great and I love your personality!!! By just doing so...you have shown that are a person of integrity and that's a great quality that will lead you in the right direction.

So keep up the GREAT work!

{{{GG}}}

March 20, 2007
9:04 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks Ras...that was so nice of you to say...Patience is definitely NOT my virtue about this gradual process.

(((Ras)))

March 21, 2007
1:02 pm
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mj
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((((GG))))

Denial works for helping us cope when the situation or feeling is too much. Be Gentle with yourself. When you are ready to move through the process of grief, you will. Our numbing and denial keeps us safe until we are stronger. You get to do your work when it is right for you. Glad you posted. I believe you are very courageous and persistent in this study. I am glad I am not alone.

Thanks RAS for posting too.

March 21, 2007
3:57 pm
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ggfred4
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mj, here is my confusion..."When you are ready to move through the process of grief, you will." Do I really need to grieve...not sure what I am supposed to grieve...

I WANT to move forward. I am tired of the depression. I don't want to look back, just forward...

mj, thanks for motivating me to continue this book study. I know it is such a good thing and I get just as much out of reading your responses as I do thinking of my own.
So, THANK YOU!!!

gg

March 21, 2007
4:28 pm
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mj
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I was going off your words. You stated "The stage I think I am in learning the art of acceptance is DENIAL."

The section on Denial in this chapter is really informative. "The first stage is denial. This is a state of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality."

You state next, "I can't seem to let go of my feelings and am not sure that I allow myself to feel them. When things are going on in my life that other people are upset about, I find myself numb. I have even had people, not anyone real close, die and felt little emotion. I feel cold-hearted. I think I allow fear to dominate me, therefore I don't deal with situations, emotions, etc.

I was just trying to mirror what I heard you say and validate it.

I am sorry that you are confused. I don't know why you are in the stage of denial or if you need to grieve. It is up to you to figure it out.

For me this chapter states that by grieving our pasts then we can move on. That is the authors point not mine. I believe I will grieve the incidence when I am able. Sometimes my numbness has helped me survive. When I feel safe, I can be who I truly am.

This is how I am trying to change. By studying and thinking about what I need to change. I hope you know that I hope the best for you. I too am tired of depression. I don't like my new job. I actually hate it. I am showing up because I don't know how to say NO to my Hubby. I don't know if being responsible means I need to show up and earn money. This is what I am working on for me. Acceptance of my reality and then what can I do to change it! I am glad you are motivated too!

March 22, 2007
9:52 pm
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mj
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I want to share a reading on acceptance that has been around 12 step programs.

ACCEPTANCE

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."

March 22, 2007
10:17 pm
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mj
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Is anyone up for an online bookstudy tonight?

March 22, 2007
10:43 pm
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ggfred4
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mj, just got on the computer...

March 22, 2007
10:45 pm
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ggfred4
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I really enjoyed your last post and need to apply it to my life. Right now I am not very happy with myself and I am feeling I have such a long way to go.

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