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Ladyace: My update & annulment question
September 7, 2005
5:51 pm
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Hi all! It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here. I wanted to post an update and also had a question I wanted some other opinions on.

A bit of background: I am divorced from bipolar verbally abusive ex-husband, best thing I could have done. Spent some time alone (about a year) working through therapy, and being by myself.

When I felt ready to, I signed up on EHarmony.com, and not to sound like a commercial, but I met the love of my life on EHarmony.com! I am happier that I EVER was with my ex. We’ve been together for almost 5 months. I’ll call him B. He spent time in the service for 6 years after college and said that during that time he worked on himself and what he wanted out of life. He is in graduate school right now using GI money, and just living at home with his parents (well, in between coming over to visit me!) B has so many of the qualities that I never thought I would find in a man. He is very affectionate and not afraid to show it, a romantic and loves to cuddle. He is comfortable sharing and expressing feelings, hopes, and dreams. He has a plan in life and a clue (actually started an IRA for retirement). He is very close with his family and family is very important to him. Best thing is he does not have ANY additions (no drug, alcohol, porn, etc). He has a glass of wine with dinner maybe once every 2 months. As for sex, he is just incredible, this is the way it is supposed to be, WOW! We also have similar interests, some are just staying home and reading or watching movies.

Ok, sounds too perfect right? The only problems are he snores really bad and I have to wear ear plugs at night, and he is a little bit overweight (but most of America is overweight!) I was able to look past his weight and see what a beautiful person he is inside, where it matters. No, he does not have a job, but he is working on his graduate degree and has 1 more year left.

I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, but I hope to instill hope in those people who are at that point in life where I was 2 years ago when I started coming here. Sure, I kept hearing “there is someone out there for you” and “there is someone out there who will appreciate you”, but I really didn’t believe it.

My coworkers are happy for me on one hand but on the other hand, tell me things like “it’s still new, it won’t last”, or “yeah, my husband was like that, then we got married”, or “yeah, my husband used to help around the house, then that went away”. I really think deep down that they are jealous, and I almost have to tone down my good happy news for them. I also have to consider their situations as well (one is separated, one is getting divorced, another is in an unhappy marriage, etc) so their points of view my be negative. I have told this to B, fear that he may turn into “just being like all the other men out there”, but he honestly said no. That was not the way he was brought up, and he does not see himself being like that.

If you’ve read this far, this is the question I wanted to pose (and since it was religion related, the reason I posted upstairs). My first marriage was in the Catholic church. B is Catholic, but not really practicing. It doesn’t matter to him if we were to marry in the church or not, but he did say that he would want our kids to be brought up in the church for a good moral background (which I agree with). In order for me to marry in the church, I would have to get my first marriage annulled. This involves getting witnesses, documentation, and drudging up many painful memories that I have already moved past. I would have to go before a tribunal to plead my case. I just don’t really know if I can do it, relive all the pain that has taken me so long to work through. As for documentation, I doubt the ex will release his medical records to me to prove he’s nuts. (he never thought he had a problem). There are no witnesses to the abuse, it was all done to me and never in front of anyone else, lest that damage his reputation for being a nice guy. Maybe my biggest fault was hiding it so well, and not letting anyone know how much pain I was in. I know my parents want me to get the annulment. My gut feeling tells me that God has forgiven me. I really did try to make my 1st marriage work, and that I should move on. No, I cannot have a big church wedding again and will just have a civil ceremony, but B and I are ok with that.

Any thoughts, opinions, or suggestions are welcome.

Ladyace

PS. I think I will copy the first part of my post to the Support side just to show there is hope to others. (minus the annulment part, respecting SC’s rules about religion)

September 8, 2005
12:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ladyace:

I totally relate to the abuse that nobody knew about coz you hid it so well. That one has come back to bite me in the butt a few times myself. Sorry you lived in that type environment and Thank God you are out.

I am not Catholic so may not be able to help. But.... were any police reports filed? Did you talk to your church pastor about the first marriage? Was he ever arrested and/or taken into the hospital by the police? Might do a search of public records to see if he has any cases. You might be surprised.

To be perfectly honest with you... I didn't think anyone knew about my life either, but they did. Folks noticed... they just never said anything to you. Probably not your immediate family or very close friends, but others that have lived what you were goin thru.

If you and B are fine to not have the big church wedding then why drudge up the past. But, will your marriage be recognized by the church if you are not married in the church? Where would that leave raising your kids in the church?

I know I probably asked more questions than I helped, but I do hope you can use something.

September 8, 2005
7:58 am
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SoulSpirit
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I am not Catholic, nor do I know much about their doctrine. But I do know, that, for me, some churches spend too much time enforcing church doctrine (protestant churches as well), than working with people to bring them closer to God where we all belong. My suggestion is to pray about it. God will show you the answers you are looking for when the time is right.

September 8, 2005
7:12 pm
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Mama,

Nope, there were no police reports filed or hospital ER records while we lived together. I couldn't even use my Mom as a witness because she never saw any of the abuse. Yeah, he had some weird habits, but nothing to prove abuse (Examples: never looked them straight in the eye when talking, always figited around, and never called them Mr or Mrs.) My therapist said she could probably write a letter stating that she did see him and that he was diagnosed bipolar.

Technically, in the Catholic Church, I could not recieve communion unless my marriage is done in the church. But no priest asks whenever you go up to recieve whether or not you should recieve.

As Soul said, I think there is too much effort spent on enforcing laws rather than welcoming someone to the church and trying to help them. I go to God and admit, yes, I am a sinner, and even though I have made mistakes, I have learned my lessons and am ready to move on. I mean, is it not people like me that really should have the church encouraging them, rather than feel turned away?

I have done a lot of meditating and praying about this, and also a lot of reading online. For me, I tried my best and sincerly tried to make the relationship work. Even though I really don't want to go through all the red tape to prove it to a Tribunal, I know it in my heart.

Thank you all for listening to me
Love to all, Ladyace

September 9, 2005
8:43 pm
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Zinnie
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Have you talked with a priest from your Church about this? Although, they have changed/relaxed on many fronts, marriage and re-marriage is not one of them.

However, there are some other options that are out there. There are some older couples in our Church (we are Catholic) that are re-married, yet they had children from their prior marriages and they were all very active in Church activities.

I understand you wanting to raise your children in your faith - and you might consider having a civil ceremony and having it blessed if you do not want to go through the annulment process - which there is also the chance that it could be denied. That is a different ceremony than being "married" in the Catholic Church; but, it might be a way for you to remain in the faith of your origin/choice.

Z.

p.s. - Many happy congrats to you and your new man!

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