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Just Chattin On a Porch Swing
January 2, 2008
10:26 pm
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bevdee
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Kroika

You present some valid points for messaging within the site. Maybe the SC would be receptive if you approached her with your ideas. I always wondered if that feature wasn't available because it would require additional technology and it would probably cost more?

January 3, 2008
7:42 am
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thewall
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thanks Kroika. I agree as well. I am on another sight and they have the capacity for private messages. Probably a technical issue. and of course money?? dunno but its worth asking about.
thanks

January 3, 2008
11:36 am
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bevdee
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Chicas,

Well, this weather is starting to get to me - I think I'm all SAD. :~(. It's overcast and 14 degrees. Wall- don't know where your sister is, but it's probably cold there, too!

Sad sad news - the little marina store down the road is closed for the winter! I used to run down there, sometimes even on the golf cart and order breakfast from the grill. They made these great omelettes for me and they made fierce biscuits. Sigh. It was the closest thing I had to having a ... maid or a wife!!!

My niece is staying at my mother's this week. Last night, she called me to ask me if she could play my old albums. She's so polite and sweet! I couldn't believe Mom still has a turntable with a decent needle! She didn't realise I liked Aerosmith, REO, Bad Co, AC DC. She thought that was wild that I listened to that music on those big records. Things have sure changed, she missed the "cassette" era entirely- but good rock will live on and on. I have replaced all those albums with CDs.

Funny, I pass on the genealogy and family recipes to the older niece, and the miniature perfume bottle collection and rock and roll collection to the younger one. They are so interesting in their individual ways, and while I really miss shopping for little girls, and giving the "little girls" squooshy hugs, it is such a pleasure to get to know them as young ladies.

January 3, 2008
11:41 am
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sleepless in uk
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Hey Bev

that is exactly how I feel about my daughters.......

squooshy hugs to you

January 3, 2008
11:41 am
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bevdee
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Good morning Sleeping Beauty!

(((Beauty)))

January 3, 2008
11:45 am
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sleepless in uk
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Ah but for me evening fast approaches .... good to see you. Have a great day, even without those fierce biscuits

love....

January 3, 2008
6:56 pm
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thewall
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Bevdee,

I think she's in Austin but not sure. Sorry its cold where you are though. No biscuits. That is a bummer. Its 9 degrees here. Our heat bill will be around 200.00 if we are lucky. yikes!!

ooo I wish we had private messages here. lol. I have so much to say on another post but would just be feeding the bears and contributing to the dysfunction and button pushing-manipulating- arrogant made up crap and or flat out lies that goes on there. Bears love to be fed. They love the attention, the controversy, the challenge,. I dont feed bears. I ignore them yet want to protect others from the bears. sigh. Its a curse of mine. One of.

Anyway, back to hibernating. Feeling better now that I had to get out of the house and go to work. I could never be a stay at home wife. I refuse!! Id be a nut case.

January 3, 2008
9:30 pm
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bevdee
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Miss Wall,

I read your posts and I think you are spot on. I get you. I always have, and I have always thought (when you popped in with your hands outstretched to me) that you get me.

The funny thing about communicating on this site - for me - is that since there is no means of offline communication, there does seem to be some "psychic", finely tuned perception with each other. I don't feed bears either, but sometimes there they are, trying to just shove you out of a cage - sometimes for reasons that are bearly obvious, unless you have dealt with bears before.

I got another massage today. This is how I am going to take care of myself - once a week for at least 3 months, while I work this pain out of my back and shoulders. The pain and tension I was holding on to was making me feel realllly old. I feel great.

I love you Miss Wall.

January 3, 2008
9:33 pm
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bevdee
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Sleeping Beauty,

I made my own fierce biscuits. It's so good to smell roses on this porch!! :~)

(((Beauty)))

January 3, 2008
10:18 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((BEV))))))))))

((((((((((PORCHSWANGRS))))))))))

January 3, 2008
11:45 pm
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Gee, it's lovely and mild out tonight. I'm sure I can smell spring on the air. The days have been getting longer for 2 weeks already!!!

:o)))

January 4, 2008
4:42 am
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I wouldn't mind the recipe for those "fierce biscuits"... I think I might like to bake some of those myself. Is it an old family sekret recipe, or one you're willing to share?

January 4, 2008
8:25 am
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thewall
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Bevdee,

You said... "and I have always thought (when you popped in with your hands outstretched to me) that you get me".

Girl, it was more like arms wide open stretched out to you. There is a huge emotional connection, which amazes me on this thing called a computer, where its purely written communication. I dont know why. I dont know how. But sometimes I sit here and can feel myself getting lost in your big ole squishy hugs. I have no idea how old you are, and it does not matter. All I know is I feel your wisdom, like an older sister, loving aunt, or a favorite older role model such as my former therapist or favrite teacher.

Funny though...all of my favorite teachers were African American. Im white as a ghost as well as my family but my teachers always felt safe. Probably bc they were so differnt than my abusive mother, and my borderline and or dysfuctional family. I used to sit in school and dream of getting hugs in their big ole squishy arms, getting lost in that hug, swallowed up into safety.

I'm missing that woman role model in my life right now. I long for older wisdom. Long for the hugs. the prayers. the guidance. the encouragement. the safety. Sure wish momma was different. Wish she coulda been safe. loving. comforting. I feel starved for it all bc I never had it. Wish she was alive right now. Loosing a momma sure has made me feel so childlike these last few yrs. Wanna fall on the floor and cry out " I want my momma!!!". But it was never meant to be.

Anyway, getting choked up. Need to stop. Gonna go put my fat butt on the eliptical machine, then shower and head to the dentist for a checkup. I always relax in a dental chair. Im one of the sick ones. lol.

I do love you bevdee. As crazy as that seems on this computer thing, I do. Big squishy hugs .
thewall

January 4, 2008
1:17 pm
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(((thewall)))

be good to you.

good energy comin your way....

January 4, 2008
8:12 pm
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bevdee
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Kroika,

I am just embarassed to tell you that I make drop biscuits from Jiffy mix. We-ell, not so embarassed, I spose. My Nana showed me that brand is cheaper and makes better biscuits than Bisquick. Also, if you pat a little bacon or sausage grease (with the back of a spoon)on the top before you cook them, the tops will be more golden. Wisdom passed down through the generations. I'll have to remember to tell my nieces!!

January 4, 2008
8:17 pm
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bevdee
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Wall,

You just slay me. I didn't think you had so many words in ya, girl! It is amazing, this site and the connections that we all have made here. It's really hard to convey that, I can only say I know I would not be the same right now, at this moment, had it not been for those connections I have made at this site.

Umm, you do know I'm white as a ghost, too, don't you? :O

January 4, 2008
8:31 pm
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thewall
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Bevdee,

lol. yea, you just a white southern girl like me. But i luv ya.

I actually had a break through aha moment while driving today. I was realizing that its so easy to connect with people on the computer bc its safe. I like that feeling. You cant judge me in real life or tell my secrets on this computer bc u dont know who I really am. And sometimes I tend to find nit picky things about women in my real life, so that I will stay away from them, for fear of getting hurt. If I f ind fault then I wont get close and if I dont get close then I wont get hurt. Sad cycle. Im amazed at how close I feel here. and how much I have opened up here. I've grown since mom died. I never would have been able to do this before she died.
Yippee, progress

January 4, 2008
8:44 pm
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Hepburn
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Hi everyone,

Can I just hang out and swing for a while? I'm a little down tonight, BUT I managed to bring some chicken wings with Red Rooster hot sauce (my fav)......I think I'll have a glass of wine too. Is ok?

January 4, 2008
8:52 pm
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bevdee
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Hepburn - you gonna share them wings? 😀 Oh, you can stay whether you share them or not. I haven't seen you in a while. Did you have a hard week? Everything ok?

Wall - You know? I hear what you are saying about why you keep a distance with people, and I am that way, too, sometimes.

I believe that I am less nit-picky about people in person than I used to be, because of this site. But- I also think that it is because I accept myself a little better than I used to, and that is because of the acceptance I received at AAC.

I usually rejected women (or the facets in those women) that were the most like me.

Hey, thanks for posting that- you made me think, Chica.

January 5, 2008
12:19 am
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Miss bev,

thanks for the family secret about fierce biscuits. Hey, if you know a brand that's cheaper and makes better biscuits... that's good info to know! I hope your nieces will carry on the tradition :o)

January 5, 2008
1:48 am
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Hepburn
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Of course, I always share my wings. When I make wings, I make a ton of them.

I think I slept wrong and woke up this morning unable to move very well.

The holidays are always stressful as I'm sure all can attest too.

Did someone mention biscuits? I love biscuits!

Bevdee, thanks for the hospitality. It must be true what they say about the South eh?

January 5, 2008
8:18 pm
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thewall
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Bevdee,

Usually rejected women that were most like me...

.... Hmm, could be. Because I know deep down what her needs are, and her needs would scare me bc it would be so easy to get sucked in. It would be so easy to feel responsible. It would be so easy to love her better than I love myself (in a sisterly kind of way) and then get hurt again as she walks away.

That happened to me a few yrs ago, right after mom died. A wonderful coworker took me under her wing. We shopped together. We ate together. She and I felt the most wonderful connection. Then she moved to ...you guessed it, Texas (what the hell is it with that place?). San Antonio. So at Xmas time, a few months after mom died, I so desperately needed to get away from my life here so I flew to Tx alone, to stay with my friend. We went to the mall and sat on Santas lap and got our pics taken. We went all over the place, including the Alamo. Then one morning I pretended it was xmas morning and had her and her husbands stockings all full, with presents under the tree. It was wonderful. We were like sisters..like the sister I had lost, who happened to be the same age as her.

Then she moved back to Indiana. 3 hrs away. But everytime we planned something, she would have to cancel bc her mommy wanted her to do something. One day she wanted to ride the train to Chicago, just her and I. I thought that would be awesome. Then she cancelled a few days before bc her mom wanted to go as a family. Not with me. And of course mommy was gonna pay for the trip if she went "as a family."
I couldnt compete with mommy. She eventually stopped planning stuff with me. I mean, who needs friends when they got mommy? We gradually lost touch. I have no idea where she is now. But I miss her and would love to see her again. But I know I wont bc she doesnt need friends. She has family.

I think sometimes I stay away from women or nit pick about them out of jealousy. Today was one of those days. Husband and I went out to breakfast this morning. Ran into "the perfect family" from our church.... mom and dad in their 50's, 3 adult kids in their late 20's, married with infants and toddler kids of their own. This whole family goes out to lunch every Sunday, they go out on Fri nights and Sat nights. A few of them work at the church together. The 2 sisters live 2 houses apart. The rest of them live less than 5 miles away.

It makes me sick to see them all together. And we keep running into them all the time! We usually make a comment like "looks like rich daddy is buying the meal again". Today I went into my "Im so glad Im not married into that family" rant, bc it would be overwhelming having to be with them so much. I need my space, ya know? Need a man who doesnt need to see his mommy every day. So the snike comments got passed back and forth to my husband, about how the kids need to leave their mommy and daddy and grow up, how daddy bought them each a $300,000 house and they better hope the man never dies.......

But you know something? I soo wish I was good enough to fit into that family. I soo wish I had a family like that. Parents like that. Security that if anything happened to my husband, I could run to daddy and not have to worry about a dime. And you know what else is amazsing. That 54 y/o man still has both of his parents! It just isnt fair!! Hes got such a perfect life. a beautiful wife, 3 kids that love him, and their spouses, 5 grandkids a big huge house... I was 34 when I became an orphan. Im not sorry I didnt have kids bc I know my life would be far from perfect if I had them. I know it would be like my sister...love them with all your heart then they dont want anything to do with you. Glad I spared myself that pain. But it feels like some people have it all.

Life's not fair. and people you love walk away or die. The love of a good friend isnt worth the pain or the risk. Thats how my life has been at least.

January 5, 2008
8:22 pm
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"Life's not fair. and people you love walk away or die. The love of a good friend isnt worth the pain or the risk. Thats how my life has been at least."

Ouch...if that isn't the truth...

((((wall and Bev))))

Funny how I just told Jim (my therapist) yesterday, the VERY same thing. I didn't ever want to love like that again, because I didn't ever want to feel that pain again. Or is it that I am afraid of never feeling that pain again??

I don't really know anymore...I just know it hurts.

January 5, 2008
9:19 pm
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"Or is it that I am afraid of never feeling that pain again??"

I meant "feeling that love again."

Can we tell where I am in the head??

January 5, 2008
11:56 pm
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Mind if I cut in?? I am sleepless in Florida because I had my medication cut back. so far I'm fine except i can't sleep.

only people whom you love can hurt you. you hurt when people you love hurt.
Where are you in your head??? You have been hurt and betrayed. take time and love yourself.

Oh and that family from church? you only see them when they are at their best....at a restaurant...at church etc. you don't see the dysfunction. I think all family's have dysfunctions. some just hide it better and some it just isn't there to see unless you really know them.

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