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Jokes and Humor
February 9, 2005
8:41 am
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Juanita
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Thank you for the compliment! I'd like to think they are always this cute and darling, but as with all children ... they can push my limits from time to time! 😉

I just wish you all could have heard him, typing it doesn't do justice.

He kept saying "far-TED"!!! And, when I told this story to my father - he just said, oh, he thinks I'M God! (oh Dad ....!)

My son also recently discovered how to escape his crib. He is tall, so just thru a leg over the top bar (while its up) and swings his weight over, jumps to the floor. This is what's called giving your parents a coronary!

He now has a toddler bed and delights in jumping off it, or in the middle of the night, just escaping his room to come snuggle between Mom & Dad. This morning I was awoken at 4 am to "Mama.... baba!" (meaning he wanted milk). It's like, 'ok... when did you get here?' He must have climbed up in the bed from the foot rather than over me or his Dad!

He also likes to help change the water out of my daughter's fish tank... which ok, this is teaching responsibility, right?? Ok, now the boy does know how to turn facets on and off.... Last evening while talking with my husband (I was laying on the bed, he was changing clothes for work), our son comes in PRETENDING with his little bath tub pitcher that he is giving us 'coffee'. He does this oh, 6 times. Now, all of a sudden, my feet, legs, and bed are wet! Little bugger filled the pitcher with water & dumped it on me.... whoops! He kept laughing and laughing "Mommy all wet!"

Comedy 'central' routinely starts whenever I am trying to prepare a meal... Remember with two year olds, never try to prepare anything that requires constant attention or cooks quick (at least, not unless you have a helper running interference between you and the 2 yr old!) Oh my... I didn't know 2 yr old boys came equipped with 8 arms and legs, travel at the speed of light, and are slippery than a greased pig! (or so I imagine) My daughter wasn't this way!

Gotta love it!

February 9, 2005
9:24 am
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SweetAmanda
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LOL I want babies!

February 9, 2005
10:10 pm
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Roaring Down the Aisle: A little wedding humor

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and ROAR.

So it went, step, step, ROAR,... step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

February 9, 2005
10:17 pm
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19 Ways to Annoy Other People

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150 %, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all of your cheques, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist that you "like it that way."

11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Did you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what gender they are.

14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

16. Sing along at the opera.

17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

19. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

February 9, 2005
10:18 pm
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Love . . . According to Kids

Tips on love by kids age 5-10

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

February 11, 2005
7:41 pm
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sewunique
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Just lookin' around to see if there are any new jokes up here....

February 11, 2005
10:39 pm
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on my way
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LOL!!! did you find any?

February 11, 2005
10:51 pm
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sewunique
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hehehehe; got my flashlite out here, but can't seem to see any..... must be somewhere in here......maybe over there......................................................................

...........................

February 11, 2005
11:20 pm
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on my way
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Now this is funny!!!

February 11, 2005
11:59 pm
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sewunique
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.........here?...............................................nope, that one got away............................................. Knew I was naive,

but ............still didn't 'get it'.......

April 2, 2005
11:21 am
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Worried_Dad
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"50 things every guy should know about women"

http://www.stuffmagazine.com/a.....spx?id=175

April 3, 2005
4:32 pm
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sewunique
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Fifty things women should know about men...........couldn't find a site of jokes that was as decent as the one you found. And, I do not feel like we need to bash but to find goodness and laughter, which is timely here.

Say, I am looking for a guy that has two functioning brain cells with a connecting synapse. I have only found these guys to be here at AAC, (all our great guys here) and so unavailable in this cyber world........he is there somewhere, I just know it!

April 3, 2005
5:13 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Sew,

Naw, hold out for at least three brain cells!

April 3, 2005
5:27 pm
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Anonymous
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Don't do it!!!

The third cell will only be connected to his penis anyway!!!

I guess that's better than nothing...

😉

Love,

Ren'ai

April 3, 2005
5:33 pm
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sewunique
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No, I'm going for WD's cue, Ren'ai, LOL,

I should add, as long as that is a proper functioning synapse.

April 3, 2005
8:45 pm
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bonita1
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LOL! You go, sew!

April 3, 2005
11:27 pm
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sewunique
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So gals, we have missed our opportunity as WD has closed out his profile at # 1003. sigh

Well WD, you are one in a million and some lucky gal will find you if you don't find her first! Have faith and patience. It will happen for you!!!!

April 4, 2005
2:00 am
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SweetAmanda
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Some (not all) of that is true for me. It was interesting to read, thanks WD. I love being a woman! =)

~Amanda~

April 6, 2005
12:49 pm
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Juanita
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The Hypnotist's Mess!

It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

***

Kind of crude - but what a visual to imagine! I must laugh b/c I still am at the stage with my son of diaper changing. oh my....

April 6, 2005
2:03 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Oh Juanita..... I loved it. So very funny. and yes, I do remember those days. Oh what a good one.

April 6, 2005
2:19 pm
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sewunique
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Gawd, reminds me of flu season at the nursing home.........muddling thru it all.........hey, hey, or nursing baby diapers; now that is a another messy one!

Believe or not, it took me a moment to catch the joke, but it was a good one!

April 6, 2005
6:12 pm
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Juanita
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Glad you enjoyed it. I couldn't stop laughing at the visual I had. Everyone looking like my son with their britches about yaayyyyy wide, and all of a sudden being a couple of inches taller. Just seeing it in my mind's eye again - Voomp! Instantly wider and taller with puzzled looks on their faces, probably someone looking relieved too! hehehehehehehe - oh my, still snickering...

April 6, 2005
9:22 pm
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GullyFoyle
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That was sooooo funny. Wasn't expecting it.

Thanks for the laugh, Juanita.

Gully

April 7, 2005
12:12 am
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sewunique
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Still on a roll.......reminds me of the phrase; walking or waddling knee deep in doodoo, and we need to get our boots on!

April 7, 2005
8:38 pm
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Rasputin
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Thank you so much Juanita for sharing that event. That was so cool and funny!

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