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Jokes and Humor
January 27, 2005
11:15 am
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sewunique
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sorry, J, I never know what is ok by what I read off color or what is ok. There must be a lot of the same from other threads, so, take it easy on yourself. ok? It wasn't me, but I just don't think it's worth all that fussing over yourself with. Just keep your jokes coming.

January 27, 2005
1:01 pm
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Juanita
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Seems there was some computer glitch & it hiccuped a message to me in error that I wouldn't be allowed to continue unless I contacted SC.

Better safe than sorry .... I wouldn't want to offend anyone anyway.

No news jokes today, but I keep hoping we'll hear a new one from somewhere out there.

Humor is the best medicine for all that ails us...

Best,
J

January 27, 2005
2:51 pm
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sewunique
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

January 27, 2005
2:55 pm
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," she said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

-----------------------------------

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

January 28, 2005
1:15 pm
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SweetAmanda
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I love it sew! how cute.

January 29, 2005
3:16 pm
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Ice Fishing Blonde

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby.
She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice
fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field.
Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing
trip She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed
for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her
kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded
stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her
first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish
under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the
ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new
hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't
covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side
of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then
she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the
right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new
hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"

January 29, 2005
3:39 pm
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yeah, in my heart of hearts, absolutely nothing is intended here against blondes. I don't know WHO is blonde and I love all of you!! I have blonde streaks in my hair and I have been ice fishing...so there you go!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

January 29, 2005
3:41 pm
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CUSTOMER SERVICE
>
> This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time.
>I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
>
> This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line which was
>transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
> Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is
currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination
>without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect
Customer
> Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)
>
> "Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
>
> "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>
> "What sort of trouble?"
>
> "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
>away."
>
> "Went away?"
>
> "They disappeared."
>
> "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>
> "Nothing."
>
> "Nothing?"
>
> "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>
> "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
>
> "How do I tell?"
>
> "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
>
> "What's a sea-prompt?"
>
> "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>
> "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
>type."
>
> "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
>
> "What's a monitor?"
>
> "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
>have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
>
> "I don't know."
>
> "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
>
> "Yes, I think so."
>
> "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
>into the wall."
>
> "Yes, it is."
>
> "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
>two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
>
> "No."
>
> "Well , there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
>other cable."
>
> "Okay, here it is."
>
> "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
>back of your computer."
>
> "I can't reach."
>
> "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
>
> "No."
>
> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
>
> "Oh, it's not because I don't have th e right angle it's because
>it's dark."
>
> "Dark?"
>
> "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
>in from the window."
>
> "Well, turn on the office light then."
>
> "I can't."
>
> "No? Why not?"
>
> "Because there's a power failure."
>
> "A power ....... a power failure? .... Aha, Okay, we've got it
>licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"
>
> "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. "Good. Go get them, and
>unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then
take it back to t he store you bought it from."
>
> "Really? Is it that bad?"
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>
> "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
>
> "Tell them you're too fricken stupid to own a computer.

January 29, 2005
5:00 pm
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sewunique
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The best belly laugh for the week!!!!Har har har; wait, I'm not blonde, but close with red......still funny.

January 29, 2005
5:04 pm
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Sure, that's why they now have stupid instructions that say; "plug into electrical outlet before using electrical apparatus."

January 29, 2005
5:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Oh My, how funny. I agree w/ the tech tho.

lol

January 31, 2005
6:24 pm
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You lovers of the English language might enjoy this:

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is s pecial. And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning
& the last thing you do at night? U P

[If you want to understand this last 'joke' read the letters aloud ] Hey, I got it without your explaination.
The whole thing sounds like George Carlin.

February 1, 2005
10:08 pm
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Juanita
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
----------------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
---------------------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

----------------------------------------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" No," he replied, "arthritis.

February 2, 2005
8:49 am
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Juanita
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DISCLOSURE: Here's a long but funny one.... A LITTLE COARSE TOO ... just warning you! Don't read if you don't like "coarse" material. I think I edited it enough so it is not as bad though.... no swears... just vivid imaginary pictures.

I like chili, not too hot, and probably have Pa Dutch taste buds. I can relate to the guy in this chili contest. This is a good read.... funny as hell...

**********************************************************************

Chili Contest:

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the score cards from the event:
_______________________________________________________________________
CHILI #1
MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing Kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could have removed dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________________________________
CHILI #2
ARTHURS AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
_____________________________________________________________________
CHILI #3
FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back: now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced with all this beer.
__________________________________________________________________
CHILI #4
BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; the 300 lb wench is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_____________________________________________________________________
CHILI #5
LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI #6
VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that hussy Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI #7
KICK ASS CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about JUDGE THREE. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damned thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
_______________________________________________________________________
CHILI #8
LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice bland chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicey enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild or hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Three passed out, fell over and then pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?

February 2, 2005
9:45 am
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eve
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omw,

this is why us foreigners find the English language so confusing sometimes. 🙂

February 4, 2005
1:34 pm
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February 4, 2005
1:37 pm
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This may not work, what I pasted has been deleted.

February 4, 2005
1:41 pm
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> Silly and a pleasant change of pace from all that's going on in the
world...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

February 4, 2005
1:47 pm
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SEW!!! Are you back?

February 5, 2005
1:18 am
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This is a joke I received in an email, but after reading it, is it possible that our government, is suspending social security because they SPENT it, do you think they spent our money? I hope not, but it only makes sense.

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!
>If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,"
>DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year.
>Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use
>to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States
>government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund
>various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This
>organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security
>Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and
>save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for
>the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam
>artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of
>dollars. Don't be among them!
>

February 5, 2005
8:50 am
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Two red necks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put the
labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya
all been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels..."Me and Bubba's on
the patch.

February 5, 2005
9:15 pm
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This is very funny MamaC especially if you try to picture the whole thing!

February 5, 2005
9:31 pm
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I just read over every single joke on this thread... There were some that I missed!

Those chili cook-off notes were hilarious. LOL

I am printing out almost every joke on this thread and I'm going to make my own little joke folder... I like to reread them every now and then. I still get a big kick out of jokes, even if I have already heard them. =)

February 8, 2005
11:04 pm
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Thought I'd share a bit of sweet humor...

I say prayers with my daughter nightly (usually 4 prayers). My son is only 2, so we do a shorter prayer session (usually 1 or 2).

Last night, after praying "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" to my son... He rolls over and snuggles into my arm, using it as his pillow. He lays there so sweet and warm, I think he's just about asleep and he says to me "Father, farted..."

I'm thinking, Daddy's not in the room. Who farted? I asked, 'did you fart?' (thinking he may want his diaper changed). He kept repeating "Father, farted .... Father Farted!!" getting a little more insistent each time.

He's looking at me so sincere, like why don't you understand Mommy? His little hands on my face, "FATHER.... FARTED!"

It finally dawns on me, he was trying to say "Our Father who art in Heaven" !!!

hehe, of course, now I say for him "Our Father, who art in Heaven"

He says "Our Father, who farted" (sniggle, smile) We worked on this for a bit, but you have to love 2 year olds...

Try as I might, he still insists -

"Our Father, who farted..."

February 9, 2005
12:29 am
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100sp_Permalink sp_Print

How adorable!

I love your kids. Are they always so darling and cute?

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