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Jokes and Humor
December 20, 2004
6:33 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Ike is hanging out at his favorite bar waiting for his friend Mike, who is a little late. Mike show up, orders a stright whiskey.
Failure to Rigorously Apply The Scientific Method Can lead to Spurious
Results

Ike says "Mike, you look awful! And what's up with the straight whiskey--usually you go for mixed drinks, right?"

Mike says

"Well, remember yesterday I was drinking whiskey and cokes?"

"Yeah you had a few, so what?"

Mike goes on "Well, after you left, John and the boys showed up and bought some rounds, so I had another whiskey and coke, then decided to try a few whisky and seven ups for a change. Then we decided to go bar hopping and at the next place I had four or five whiskey and gingerales. When I woke up this morning I was sick as a dog."

Ike says "Well, I hope you learned something from all this."

To which Mike replies

"For sure. I will NEVER drink soda pop again!."

December 20, 2004
6:34 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Opps, re-edit...

Failure to Rigorously Apply The Scientific Method Can lead to Spurious Results :

Ike is hanging out at his favorite bar waiting for his friend Mike, who is a little late. Mike show up, orders a stright whiskey.

Ike says "Mike, you look awful! And what's up with the straight whiskey--usually you go for mixed drinks, right?"

Mike says

"Well, remember yesterday I was drinking whiskey and cokes?"

"Yeah you had a few, so what?"

Mike goes on "Well, after you left, John and the boys showed up and bought some rounds, so I had another whiskey and coke, then decided to try a few whisky and seven ups for a change. Then we decided to go bar hopping and at the next place I had four or five whiskey and gingerales. When I woke up this morning I was sick as a dog."

Ike says "Well, I hope you learned something from all this."

To which Mike replies

"For sure. I will NEVER drink soda pop again!."

December 22, 2004
5:06 pm
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Worried_Dad
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twinks: Groan!

Engaging story which conceals oncoming punchline: +3 points.

Bad, but not truly heinous pun: +1 point

Egregrious racial epithet: -3 points.

and crocodiles? In Venice?

December 23, 2004
2:00 am
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SweetAmanda
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sigh

December 23, 2004
8:19 am
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Juanita
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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so
the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line
is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really
beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee.

She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men
watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday...

Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

how's that one???
DeleteReplyForwardSpamMove...

December 23, 2004
1:21 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Juanita--

That's a good one. Hard to predict build up, play on word confusion, and just off-color enough to give some...color. Also employs that grotesque doll. Many parents have been driven to strong drink by that nasty little muppet I am sure.

Twinks,

It is always dangerous to use epithets in mixed company. A lot of my friends call each other "nigga." Being mainly caucasian, I am very, very careful never to emulate them in the use of a word which has its origins in the history of oppression. I was taught that it was a swear word.

I still screw up sometimes, and use the word "chick" or "girl" in the presence of those who, quite rightly, expect me to use the word "woman." I feel priviledged to retain possession of my test-tickles.

December 23, 2004
1:44 pm
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Juanita
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Who says men don't remember anniversaries?!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she
whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for twenty years?'" "I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been out today."

December 24, 2004
1:04 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Juanita,

That is a weird one! And so romantic. I've always wondered about that one. Is the guy thinking that twenty years in prison wouldn't have been so bad?

December 24, 2004
11:13 pm
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Now we are getting somewhere!

"Knows Dear!!!??"" Augghahaha.

And Carol's--that's the spirit twinks! Consider thyself absolved.

December 25, 2004
2:07 am
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SweetAmanda
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Oh, I just sighed because I don't see how the joke made any sense.

First of all, I thought why would vampires eat Italian? Isn't garlic something they cannot stand?

LOL I mean it was cute and all, but I sighed as in, if I were with you, and you told that joke... I would pretend that I didn't know you. =)

(She's not with me! Do you know her?)

I've had to work a lot these past couple days, I couldn't get online. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you on this. If I were sensitive to something that I read on here, I would probably say something about it. Thanks for inquiring about me though!

~Amanda~

December 25, 2004
7:05 pm
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SweetAmanda
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What is 'absolution'?

Nevermind...

I will look it up!

=)

December 26, 2004
12:41 am
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Worried_Dad
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I am not epecially politically correct in my general joke telling. And jokes that permit an Elmer Fudd impersonation are hard to resist. It's just places like here where I try to be more careful.

Absolution, if I remember is like forgiveness for sin, but more so. Commonly used in Catholic language--it's what you get in return for a good act of contrition. I think. Nver use a fifty cent word when a two dollar one is at hand.

December 28, 2004
1:10 pm
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eve
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oooh twinks,

the unassembled snowmen joke is cute!

January 22, 2005
6:03 pm
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Juanita
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been a long time I heard a good one... but here ....

"Girls Nite Out"

A group of girls had gone out one nite drinking. As they had walking home after a night of fun, they realized they had drank too much and needed to pee. They looked around for a place to relieve themselves. Quickly, they thought the graveyard was the perfect place - the headstones providing privacy for them.

Realizing they did not have the necessary paper to wipe with, one of the ladies sacraficed her panties, using them to wipe with and tossing them. Another lady said, "No way, these are expensive panties!" She hunted around and found a large ribbon to use. These ladies having finished their business, went home.

The next day, the husbands were talking.

One husband said, "These girls nites out have to stop! My wife came home without her underwear!"

Another husband said, "that's nothing. My wife had a card stuck between her butt checks this morning that said.... 'With love from Fire Company # 352. Thank you for all your loyal service, we shall never forget you.'"

hehehehe

January 22, 2005
7:27 pm
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on my way
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Very cute and funny Juanita!

January 22, 2005
9:38 pm
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sewunique
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Oh my, it was a good belly laugh, Juanita! Sure needed that one. I love the visual imagination of the whole scene. Good to see you back around again!

January 23, 2005
8:37 pm
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Juanita
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thank you! (I have been sick for a bit, stupid cold just won't quit...)

Whatever happened to WD?? Haven't seen or heard from him in a bit either. He was the creator of this thread...

WD, if you see this, read "I'm Angry" on Support Threads. My spouse & I had a talk... (only if you are interested)

For a real life funny....

My 2 yr old son was getting into the silverware drawer (a no-no).

I tell him, "stop that, and come into the living room"...

He says, "In a minute" (holds one finger up to me to show me 1 minute)

I say, "No, now" (I shut the drawer)

Again, he says "in a Minute!" (again, one finger held up)

"Mommy says NOW..." (I'm reaching for his hand)

his reply ... "IN A MINUTE! I'm POOPING!" (entire HAND now held up as if to say 'stand back Mom, I'm gonna blow!')

What could a Mom do but wait?

January 23, 2005
9:04 pm
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sewunique
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Aren't real life humour situations a blast? (no pun here). Two year olds, such fun. i always allowed my lower cabinets (only had two in my upper flat) for my daughter at that age for her own pleasure! Somehow the wooden spoons (my provision) were handy down there. Better drum sounds on pans with wooden spoons than metal spoons. Yeah, miss ole' WD being around.

Sew/C

January 23, 2005
9:40 pm
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Juanita,

Thanks for the funnies. I laughed at both.

My favorite ages is 1-5. So innocent in everything and so funny w/ the things they get into and say.

My grandma, bless her soul, said kids will play w/ pots and pans and spoons long before those store bought toys. She was right. She was so wise in everything she taught me.

I miss WD also. Did something happen?

Hi Sew!

January 23, 2005
10:11 pm
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sewunique
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Hi! Don't know.....time to open a thread to see if he is around.

January 24, 2005
2:55 pm
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BUYING A BRA

I ain't much for shopping,
Nor even goin' into town –
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with Ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her.
And said, "I'll be back by three"

Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.

I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk –
I didn't hem or haw –
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am", I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before.
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong,
Come with me," I heard her say.
And like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor.
When I seen that lingerie.

They had all these different styles.
That I'd not seen before.
I thought that I'd go crazy.
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours.
And bras that cross you heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all.
And bras that you can train in,
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally make my mind up –
Picked a black and lacy one –
I told the lady,
"Bag it up," And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise.
When I told her that my wife's bust,
Was the size as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma,am?
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered.
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good! day."

My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women.
Who'd called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop.
For no more women's underwear.

January 24, 2005
3:44 pm
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sewunique
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This was just adorable, mamaC! Yah, I guess we women do have choices. It is just a matter in picking out the right choice, one that will fit us well. lol Wouldn't it be grand if life was just that simple?

January 24, 2005
4:27 pm
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SweetAmanda
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So her boobs were as big as his head?

January 25, 2005
8:32 am
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Juanita
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oh my.... 6 & 7/8????

um??? pardon the pun ~ but which head was his hat on?

my mind must be in the gutter!
anyone here with me?

sheesh

January 27, 2005
8:23 am
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Juanita
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Well,

it appears my name was sent in to the SC.... don't know why yet, but if it was the above post - my apologies... didn't mean to offend anyone.

J

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