Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Jokes and Humor
December 8, 2004
11:04 pm
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Where is everyone??? Here is a test for you....

Be careful with these questions!
GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
intercourse?

2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often
blow it?

4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t,
one of which is a word for a woman?

6). What does a dog do that you can step into?

7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you
can't get one you can use your hands?

8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl
fat?

9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of
birdcages?

10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than
on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?

ANSWERS:

1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)

So how many did you get right?

December 9, 2004
12:07 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A hiker gets lost in the outback of Australia. He is parched and starving and ready to give up hope when he stumbles on the small town of Mercy, Australia.

He drags his butt into a cafe and asks what they have to eat. The waiter says "Our specialty is our own Koala Tea. It's actually more of a soup, but I think you will like it."

"I'll take it" says our hungry traveler and is soon slurping an odd broth that has little bits of Koala meat, but also some bones and skin. He finishes his bowl in no time.

Still rather hungry, he summons the waiter and says

"Your Koala "tea" is delicious--I'd like another bowl. But could you maybe run it through a collander to take out the bits of bone and hair?"

The waiter Hmmphs indignantly and replies

"Sir, the Koala Tea of Mercy is Not Strained."

December 9, 2004
12:47 am
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That is so wrong Juanita!

LOL Of course my mind will be in the gutter if you remind me not to have it there in the first place! That's all I could think of.

December 9, 2004
12:58 am
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Happy Belated Birthday WD! (((HUGS)))

This joke is in rebuttal to WD's December 6th joke 'for the guys'.

This one's for all the girls...

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still, no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...

"We're down here!"

December 9, 2004
1:46 am
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ix, Juanita, I got all ten wrong. Guess my mind IS in the gutter. I'll just dream on.

December 9, 2004
1:48 am
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tx for the comeback on that joke, Amanda!

December 10, 2004
3:25 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

SweetAmanda,

I beg your pardon? I'll have you know that no more than 50% of my brain cells are in my genitals.

December 10, 2004
8:57 am
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I still don't understand the "Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained" thing..... I've read it & re-read it, still don't quite get it.

Perhaps I watched one too many episodes of "Fear Factor", especially the one where the contestants got to get "Rat Soup"? (sooooo gross - literally a rat with broth in a blender!! - this is what I thought of when reading Koala Tea - ewwwww)

Come on someone..... lets have a laugh so hard we fall off our seats!! (I'm outta material for today so far.... need some assist!)

December 10, 2004
6:17 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WD,

I don't get it either, come on, explain, please?

Koala tea of MWERCY, not strained? Is that the clue?

Nope, still clueless.

Sew

December 10, 2004
6:54 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMW, never went there to figure that out.

You two are so clever! Very clever, indeed.

Now THAT is a great story/joke having it explained.

Thanks, Twinks, I think WD may have let us sit in wonderment?

Sew

December 10, 2004
11:15 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Funny, splitting my sides! Where are you, WD?

Twinks, loved your take on Shakespearean quotes!

December 10, 2004
11:17 pm
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ah-ha! found one! BTW - thanks for the Mercy/Tea explanation.... I needed help with that one.

AND NOW.....

How Women and Men shower differently

How to Shower Like a Woman...........

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wipe up any water that got on the floor.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

.......... and Now.....

How to Shower Like a Man............

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your behind.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face with hands.

Wash your armpits with hands.

Blow you're nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair with Irish Spring soap - your hair acts like a loofah for your hands.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee,

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed, and strike your best 'Want some?' pose.

December 11, 2004
6:22 am
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Juanita,

Tell me that is not true!

Okay Okay... The (LOL) 'wiener dance' I can handle... But come on!? I call for separate bathrooms!

That was really funny though, thanks. I haven't laughed so hard or long in forever. =)

Maybe I should stay single.

December 11, 2004
7:04 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty--Now that's immortal!

Juanita: and your point is?

December 11, 2004
3:42 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A retired gentleman is walking along a beach when he finds a crusty looking bottle. He brishes it off and out pops this Genie who towers over him.

"You have release me from my prison and I will now grant you anything you desire as your reward!"

Our beachcomber asks "Anything at all? I mean what if I asked for..."

"I said ANYTHING" interrupts the genie.

"I am all powerful in this domain. Whatever you desire shall become true."

"Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I don't like boats and I'm afraid of flying...could you build me a highway there so that I could just drive?"

The genie replies "You know not what you ask, mortal. I would have to manifest many cubic miles of steel and concrete. The structure would change ocean currents, alter global climate. Ask for something else."

Our would be traveler comes back with:

"Well, there is one thing...I've always wanted to know--what is the true mystery behind women's behavior? What do they really want? How can you keep them happy? In short, I would like to know what makes women tick."

The great and all-powerful entity stood for a moment in silent contemplation before asking.....

"Would you like that to be two lanes or four?"

December 12, 2004
2:02 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'd settle for a pianist who can keep tempo.

I just want to observe for the record, that I, WD, a member of the testosterone poisoned, sex-crazed, drooling slavering male race am doing pretty good at refraining from posting off-color jokes.

Well, okay, I slipped up on the one that ended with the virtual bedroom on fire. That one was just too good. Okay, the Stan Freburg one had a leetleteeny bit of reference to human sexuality.

I guess I'm just raising the issue of what kinds of jokes we want to post here. Now human sexuality, being near and dear to all of our hearts is, of course, and thus an ancient ans perennial topic for poking (!) fun at. But it is also the arena of humor that contains some of the crudest, filthiest one liners known to man.

I myself am trying to reach a little higher, going for jokes about language and human nature. The exothermy of hell joke was fun too. There are entire fields of jokes that although funny I have chosen to exclude--Blonde jokes for example.

Am I barking up the wrong tree, here? I am asking how off-color do we want to go here....

December 12, 2004
8:32 pm
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You've got to call a spade a spade

I still can't get over that showering one! LOL

December 13, 2004
3:02 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Now that was funny!

I actually like the ones that highlight differences between men and women, the mystery, the confusion, the mayhem.

December 13, 2004
5:19 am
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mmm... Frosties are good =)

December 13, 2004
2:45 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm not criticising any joke--I've enjoyed them all. And I think that this page is a safe place to put "off color" jokes.

I'm just observing that we are getting some momentum going in this thread and posing a question to lurk in the back of our minds.

December 13, 2004
3:06 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hear you, WD. And I think it is a very important question. People can be hurt by being made fun of, or by making fun of things that are important to them. So humor has to come with compassion and friendliness.

December 13, 2004
9:43 pm
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

One day a guy walked into a bar and sat down with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Cute parrot, what is his
name?"

The guy answers, "His name is Chet, and I got him for Christmas."

"Does he talk?" asked the bartender.

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch."
The guy lit a match and placed it under Chet's left foot. Then the
parrot started singing "Jingle Bells".
The guy then placed the match under Chet's right foot and the parrot
then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place the flame between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see." When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot, the parrot began to sing a familiar tune ...

"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire."

hehehehe (sniggle, sniggle)

December 13, 2004
10:22 pm
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A little girl goes into a pet store and tells the clerk "I'd like one Wabbit, please."

The clerk thought the little girl was adorible! Soft curly hair, bright blue eyes, and that lisp! ("Wabbit" he chuckled to himself - how cute!) In his delight of the child, and in trying to help her find the right "wabbit", he asks her; "Would you like a white wabbit, a whoppy eared wabbit, or a wuzzy long-hair wabbit?"

The little girl looks at the clerk and said ever so seriously .... "My python doesn't give a shit what the wabbit looks like wuckhead!"

(oh my!)

December 14, 2004
11:48 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Two Indians and the Redneck

My sister in Arkansa told me this story.
There were two Indians and a Redneck who were out and about in the countryside roaming by the mountains. When they approached a cave, the one Indian yelled inside the cave; "woo, woo." A reply came back with; 'woo, woo.' The Indian took off his clothes and proceeded into the cave. The Redneck asked the second Indian; "why did he call "woo,woo" into the cave. The Indian replied; "oh, didn't you know? That's our mating call; if you call into a cave and get the return of 'woo, woo', there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for you."

So the second Indian and the Redneck proceeded on and came upon another cave. The second Indian called; "woo, woo" into the cave. And sure enough the return call of "woo, woo" came back. The Indian tore off his clothes and went into the cave.

So the Redneck is all by himself, just wandering about and he landed upon a third cave with an opening much larger than the other caves. So the Redneck called into the cave; "woo, woo." He listened and sure enough, he heard a 'woo, woo' come back. The Hillbilly said to himself; "if this cave is much larger than the other ones, there must be lots of beautiful women waiting in there for me." So off came his clothes and he went into the cave.

Headlines the next day read: dead Hillbilly found naked, run over by train.

December 15, 2004
4:29 am
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

LOL poor guy

I've always had a thing for Native American guys... Hot! =)

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38542
Posts: 714222
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer