Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Jokes and Humor
December 4, 2004
5:58 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is always important to have a plan of action ready in case an unfortunate event occurs at home. Here are some helpful tips that could really help out...

1. If you are chocking on an ice cube don't panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid argument with the missus about lifting toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High Blood pressure sufferers: Make an incision in your left or right wrist and bleed yourself for several hours, reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough

December 4, 2004
6:01 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, has had a series of infamous screw-ups in where top secret information has been misplaced or stolen.

Top attempts to tighten security at the Los Alamos lab include...

18. Ask Napster to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download share list.

17. All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.

16. All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable "Ig-pay Atin-lay" format.

15. Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.

14. "Accidental" radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.

13. Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.

12. Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the "15th foreign national who calls right now!"

11. Janitors Boris and Mao swear that "Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!"

10. Immediately suspend "you break it, you bought it" policy on hard drives.

9. Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.

8. All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!

7. a) "Accidentally" leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler. b) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.

6. Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.

5. Visitors answering the guard's challenge with "Foe" now required to sign guest book before entry.

4. Security guards limited to one "WHAAZZZUUP!" walkie-talkie conversation per hour.

3. Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.

2. "Shave and a Haircut" knock replaced with more secure "My Sharona" knock.

1. From now on, all security guards must pass the new "Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground" test.

December 4, 2004
9:00 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

December 4, 2004
6:39 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WD,

Enjoyed the 'Plan of Action" joke. Sorta reminds me of the jokes we'd tell at work! They keep your day sane amidst the cruelity and insane world. We'd laugh our heads off and god forbid, lay people just don't understand our morbid sense of humour.
But please, none of those jokes:)
Jaunita's joke, Nov 24 was great. Is it possible to cut and paste it to here?

Sew

December 4, 2004
10:29 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sew,

cut and paste--like a federal depository of jokes?

December 4, 2004
11:07 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WD.

No, no just cut and paste Juanita's joke onto this thread.......or is it not possible? I thought it might be, cuz one member mentioned 'cut and paste' before when posting to me. Maybe it is not possible to do that here? Am I making sense?

BTW, since you mentioned it, how do you cut and paste web articles onto here, like you did for Brandi? Excuss my limited knowledge of PCs, pls.

Sew

December 4, 2004
11:44 pm
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What? I'm popular?? OMG ! Knock me over.... A request! Well, want no more! I aim to please!!!

"Don't Fart in Bed" (I got this one from work)

The morning after their wedding night, the new bride was rudely awakened by her husband's very loud and very stinky flutuance. She tells him "You shouldn't do that Hon., you'll blow your guts out!"

Morning after morning, she is awoken in this manner. Morning after morning, she admonishes "You shouldn't do that Hon., you'll blow your guts out!"

For years this went on, and HE could sleep right thru it! She was so tired of this.

Then, one Thanksgiving morning, as she is cleaning and preparing the turkey to be roasted, she hears her dear wonderful husband send her blast from their bedroom. She eyes the turkey giblets and smiles an evil little smile. I'll teach him, she thought!

Ever so carefully, she tip-toes into their bedroom, (careful not to breathe the toxic fumes), very gently opens his shorts, lays the giblets into them, and exits the bedroom as quickly as she could.

A little while later, from her stance at the kitchen counter, she sees her husband fly into the bathroom holding onto his behind. (A sneaky little smile spreads across her face...)

As she continues to prepare their feast, she wonders what's taking him so long??

Several more minutes later, her husband comes out of the bathroom, tears in his eyes, approaches her quite contrite.

"Honey" he says, "you were right! I should have listened to you. After all this years of farting, I finally blew my guts out!"

He wipes his eyes and continues...

"but I'm ok! I don't need to go to the hospital. After some time, effort, and a LOT of Vaseline, I managed to get them back in again!"

Hehe. This joke made my father crack up to no end!

December 4, 2004
11:46 pm
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ok - here's another ....

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

14 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Puttin' up with Men's Sh*#

And my favorite one...

14. Potential Murder Suspect

December 4, 2004
11:48 pm
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lastly.....

You have just received the Amish Virus.

Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system.
Please delete all of your files.

Thank thee.

December 5, 2004
2:57 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

J-
That second to the last set was of the kind best posted by a woman.

"Pass My Shotgun!!!??" Ahahahaaa!

December 5, 2004
2:38 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire!

Hey twinks, pixel is a magical creature who brightens up my life. Even if I do call her "Calliope."

December 5, 2004
2:39 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, Juanita, that one with the don't Fart in Bed is my favorite; it is so picture-esques. I can visualize it so well, guess my sense of humour is wry, part of what I do for a iving, perchance?

And the Twinks one is so good, the drier the better. Let's see, which do I choose....is there one for coda? Someone can figure one out, am sure.

December 6, 2004
9:02 am
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A Friend's Prayer
»»»»

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who
screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch !!!

***************

(Someone who knew I was having a bad day sent me this one a long time ago.... I love it!)

Juanita

December 6, 2004
3:39 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Now if I remember that one, I shall use it, under my breath, of course.

December 6, 2004
8:09 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This one's for the guys...

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

December 6, 2004
8:59 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

oooooooh!
Being of the female gender, of course I had to read this due to my curiosity. And I don't have much to offer in response, except; not necessarily so!)

Guess this is the perfect place to wish you the Happiest of Birthdays!!!

December 6, 2004
9:39 pm
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Touche Worried Dad!

You do have to admit; the same goes for the male population...Always looking to upgrade

December 6, 2004
9:40 pm
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WD - Is it your birthday??

WELLLL........

(((((((HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUG)))))))

(shhhh, that will be our secret)

Juanita

December 7, 2004
5:23 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

a weiner standing tall??!!!

ACKKK HAHAHA!!

December 7, 2004
8:59 am
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ok....

does anyone know why the snowman was smiling????

December 7, 2004
8:59 am
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

because he saw the SNOW BLOWER coming!!

hehehehehehehehe
(sniggle & snicker)

December 7, 2004
3:33 pm
Avatar
iWillOvercome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

more more more 🙂 more jokes please. keep this thread alive.

December 7, 2004
3:34 pm
Avatar
iWillOvercome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven thereby proving
the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

December 8, 2004
8:30 am
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I wonder what Teresa thinks of this paper?!?

December 8, 2004
8:33 am
Avatar
Juanita
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 27
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ps - in light of the holiday season, I would have liked to sent a file here for everyone to enjoy... however, due to .EXE part of it - I doubt it would fly...

SO, if you are game - try searching the web for ELF BOWLING.

The Elves are on strike & Santa has them lined up in the bowling alley. You press the space bar to launch the bowling ball & knock those pesky elves down. Mind you, these elves are saying such things as "bite me Santa" and mooning you.... Enjoy!!

I'll have to try to find the site for the singing horses later....

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38541
Posts: 714220
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer