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Island Life
December 14, 2005
1:13 pm
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December 14, 2005
1:13 pm
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Bonita u there?

December 14, 2005
1:20 pm
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Bonita,,

I net himagain. I am just addicted to the feeling i

December 14, 2005
1:26 pm
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sorry, cat jumped on the bloody keyboard!!

The feeling I get when he cuddles me, makes jokes with me kisses me.....

Just got back from being with him, husband suspicious on the phone, lies, did a stupud drive by-en route back past the ex, only to find him walking out of his driveway to hook up with a guy on the opposite side of the road - probably going for a pint at the pub. It's dark here, but he probably saw my car in the headlights. What a goon I am!!!

Back to the other guy. I just find him irresistable. I want my , marriage to end. But, my husband doesn't seem to want the same...

Confused. Trying not to fall in love. Missing the ex, and feeling like I've just taken twenty-nine steps back if he saw my car.

Bonita, I hope u find me............

~charlie~X

December 14, 2005
2:25 pm
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gayle
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Charlie- sorry to intrude but I am sure she will find you soon! Sounds HOT and STEAMY....Gayle

December 14, 2005
10:08 pm
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bonita1
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oh honey!!

Is it the construction guy? The one that you thought you were having a casual affair with??

Honey, what is it that is keeping you from doing what you know you must?? Why can't you march down to your lawyer or solicitor as you British say and file for divorce?

Honey, just be sure that this is what you really want...ok??

(((((hugs)))))

~~bonita

December 15, 2005
4:28 am
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Anam Cara
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charlie- I feel a touch of 'we have been here before' - your right mind must be getting fed up with the problem. The building trade worker goes home to his tea and dreams about his last meet up with you whilst his wife goes out shopping for him or in a single sense his mates come round with a six pack and watch football. I doubt if either lives builds a proper relationship - for me whilst I stupidly think of the ex - I could never double cross my existing partner - this is not a condemnation of your way but rather a word to help your relationship with your husband.
I loath to say get the hell out of there because often knee jerk actions bring many disasters.
I think probably what troubles me more about you is your life rocks between a hard place - which shreds you of the recognition of your true worth!

I picked up in my second sense last night that you were in danger - that is what had me shout "stop what you are doing!" almost like a hole is in front of you and you were blind to it.
Now what would really excite me is - when you tell me that you have met a person in your life that brings forth the intellect in you and not stroking you at the same time.
Enjoy your children is his greatest command.

December 15, 2005
10:27 am
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gayle, Bonita, AC

I hear you. All of you. Voices of reason, in my madness. I am low today. Better not type. Just, well.... I'm here. Still.

Thank you for this. I feel cut loose sometimes, and have an anchor here.

~c~X

December 15, 2005
10:32 am
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Yes, Bonita I will check back in later too. I know you have to get to work. I was really sad to read D dog's news. What a downer! I was so happy for her, and then this?

December 15, 2005
10:35 am
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Spiralling. Need sugar, a rest, a lobotomy??

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrggghhh!!!

December 15, 2005
12:11 pm
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gayle
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Charlie Girl! So are you having trouble b/c of yesterday? I have kinda fallen of the wagon or into the bed is more like it. I am here for you! Love, Gayle

December 15, 2005
4:26 pm
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gayle,

The builder sent a text, thanking me for a great time, and saying how he wants to see me again, and that he wishes me the greatest Christmas, but hopes we 'speak' before then. And I'm okay with that. I know that this is nothing more than what it is.

Ended up telling my husband I was still in contact with him, and my husband said 'what can I do?'. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he loves me no matter what, and does not want to leave or make me leave, or replace me, or lose the family home and kids. He actually said, 'if you want to do this, do it. You have my
blessing'

As for the ex, I have written him a letter, since I was seen by him, drving past his house, and I owe it to me, to explain myself.

It's been two years. Two years I refuse to measure in that sense of time.

Since my husband threatened him back then, never to contact me again, and since I tried so hard to appear 'over him' right from the start (of the breakup), I was unable to say what I needed to say.

In drving past his house, I was not trying to spy, or reconnect, I was just suffering from the delayed and enduring frustration of being bound, being made a mute.

I drove past for a reason, and the reason is that I have to communicate with this guy. Should I post my letter here, and you tell me what you think??

I haven't given it to him yet. It will have to wait until the New Year begins (which, ironically was the time of year our relationship first officially began. TWO YEARS ago!)

~c~X

December 15, 2005
4:44 pm
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Bonita,

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

What is stopping me, is fear.

~c~X

December 15, 2005
4:46 pm
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AC

"...almost like a hole is in front of you and you were blind to it..."

Your words.

And the story of my life!!

~c~X

December 16, 2005
3:43 am
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(((hugs 4 u))))), charlie-girl!!

I am so sleepy right now I am literally hanging on to conscious thought by a thread. I will check back with you soon.....ZZZZZzzzzzzz

December 16, 2005
2:39 pm
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I put the letter in an envelope and carried it with me, in my computer bag, in case I saw him today. Of course he wasn't there. So, it burns a hole in my soul until I get the chance to hand it to him.

I have the right to do that. He can then choose whether or not to read it.

What would I do though if he refused to take it from my hand?

~c~

December 16, 2005
2:51 pm
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Anam Cara
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Maybe - you might consider posting the letter here - third opinions AFTER it has been sent can be of use - by giving insight as to how you are thinking right now and also how he would think upon recieving it.
Oscar Wilde wrote a letter to Bosie from his cell in prison. It was a scathing letter of many pages but I was half way through reading it - when I relised it was actually a love letter not a hate letter as it was titled.
Ac

December 16, 2005
3:37 pm
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AC

I will. It's rather long. And reaches no conclusion. But as a letterwriter himself, he may appreciate the sentiment. There's not many of us left!!

Looked up on the net about Oscar Wilde's letter. I glean so much from you!!!

I found this....

The Dead Poet

I dreamed of him last night, I saw his face

All radiant and unshadowed of distress,

And as of old, in music measureless,

I heard his golden voice and marked him trace

Under the common thing the hidden grace,

And conjure wonder out of emptiness,

Till mean things put on beauty like a dress

And all the world was an enchanted place.

And then methought outside a fast locked gate

I mourned the loss of unrecorded words,

Forgotten tales and mysteries half said,

Wonders that might have been articulate,

And voiceless thoughts like murdered singing birds.

And so I woke and knew that he was dead.

Bosie

The line that jumped right out to me, can you guess?!X ~C~

December 16, 2005
4:12 pm
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Anam Cara
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I dreamed of him last night, I saw his face ===========================
And conjure wonder out of emptiness,

December 16, 2005
5:09 pm
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Anam Cara
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De Profundis

by Oscar Wilde

. . . Suffering is one very long moment. We cannot divide it by seasons. We can only record its moods, and chronicle their return. With us time itself does not progress. It revolves. It seems to circle round one centre of pain. The paralysing immobility of a life every circumstance of which is regulated after an unchangeable pattern, so that we eat and drink and lie down and pray, or kneel at least for prayer, according to the inflexible laws of an iron formula: this immobile quality, that makes each dreadful day in the very minutest detail like its brother, seems to communicate itself to those external forces the very essence of whose existence is ceaseless change. Of seed-time or harvest, of the reapers bending over the corn, or the grape gatherers threading through the vines, of the grass in the orchard made white with broken blossoms or strewn with fallen fruit: of these we know nothing and can know nothing.

And so read on - tears to shed charlie. Wilde was only allowed one sheet of paper a day - which he filled down to the last line with a small bit of pencil. The prison officer took each sheet to the warden who kept all safely until Wilde's last day in prison - then he handed it all back to Oscar to send to Bosie.

December 17, 2005
4:37 am
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"I mourned the loss of unrecorded words"

Decided that I HAVE to send the letter. I want to know he knows.

Thanks for the above quote from Wilde's letter.

When I was working at the prison (as an agency nurse), I was put on suicide watch, over a guy who called himself a 'poet'. He passed scraps of paper to me through the bars, and watched me read.

It was all about death and blood and fire and questioning his life. An unhappy man in the worst of times. A poet, not.

When I walked out into the brightness of the open sky, I thought of him. And how his life had led him there. Truth to tell, his words had hit a nerve, and as I looked back over my shoulder at the prison tower, I thought maybe he was not the best of men, but he was a poet after all.

~c~X

December 17, 2005
7:51 am
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Anam Cara
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"I mourned the loss of unrecorded words" Oh charlie I should have picked that one up.

When I walked out into the brightness of the open sky, I thought of him. And how his life had led him there. Truth to tell, his words had hit a nerve, and as I looked back over my shoulder at the prison tower, I thought maybe he was not the best of men, but he was a poet after all.

Well you are really something!!

December 19, 2005
10:30 am
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Charlie Girl~ sorry it has taken me so long to come back here. I have been a bit distracted lately and I am much clearer now! Post the letter if you want and I can take a look. As far as him not taking it from you, I don't think it would happen. He would probably be interested in anything you have to say. Two years huh? I have to say that your husbands response was surprising and it shows how much he loves you.
Sometimes we need closure and an opportunity to express how we feel. I think that telling this man what is on your mind will release you from this part of your past an enable you to move on. Closure feels good. Unfortunately, not everyone gets to have it and it is an important part of healing. Take care!! ~Love, Gayle

December 20, 2005
11:27 am
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gayle

I decided not to post the letter here, only because I also would be traced to me, when I least expect it.

I would value your opinion, but I am going to have to judge this one for myself. I believe that it has everything in it that I need to say, for a peaceful resolution. I won't get an answer, so it's just got to be perfect from my perspective. I have edited it over a hundred times!!

Anyway,I am off to the theatre tonight. And for drinks with friends all week!!

Glad things are going well with you..

~love charlie-girl~ XX

December 20, 2005
12:03 pm
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gayle
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Charlie Girl~ all that really matters is that you are happy with the letter and that you say all that you need to! That you get the closure you are looking for! I hope you have a wonderful evening at the theatre and out with your friends! Take care! Love, Gayle

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