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is this normal?
November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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My
husband and I have a great marriage, are close and share alot of
things that we love, we never argue to the point where we are angry
when going to bed, we talk things out and spend alot of time
together, except we never had sex, maybe once a year. I used to
want sex but my husband seems to not want to go that route, he has
some issues but I do not think that is what it is here, he just
seems uninterested and i been now lately, just not wanting to even
try. So he is off work this week and neither of us have the excuse
that we are not alone and have privacy...I have no sexual desire
anymore anyhow..and I really do not care, but I wonder if its
normal? Any thoughts?

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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BFG,

I'm waiting to
hear what others say here. I know the general recommendations is to
see a counselor and jump in and make an effort. Been through that
and we haven't made anything stick.

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thank
you Lanigirl, We done this before, made efforts and he usually
loses interest...and then I do. Sex just seems to not be important,
I never really enjoyed sex, always felt like something I had to
wait for to be over to be honest, before I was married, I had a few
sexual encounters starting around 14 years old that was mutual I
should say. I had one boyfriend for six years whom I never went all
the way with, but we had alot of affection and warmth and it was
enough for both us, till we grew up and I still was afraid. Later I
met an older man who promised to marry me if I ever got pregant and
then the fear of the mom not killing us both, made it easier for me
to go that route. My mom threathed to send me away to a home for
girls if I ever got pregant and told me they would give me bread
and water to live on, so sex scared me...once however when I did go
all the way with this older man and thought I was pregant, and had
to tell her, she called me a whore, and thankfully I was not
pregant, she ran to his parents home and told them I was getting an
abortion and that he raped me, he didn't...well in the eyes of the
law I was not quite 18, by two weeks or so...but I never said he
raped me, but my mom told his parents he did, that ended horribly,
but he was not a good man anyhow. So i finally get married and for
the very first time in my life, when I do go there with a man,
being married, I feel like a whore having sex with my own husband!
I still have issues of feeling comfortable after 16 yrs of marriage
of saying what I would like, so I just don't and he really is not
into anyhow. So i sit here and remember how once in my youth I had
passionate romance with sex and how once I felt ok to go almost all
the way, and how he left me for someone else and how long it took
me to find my husband, i was alone from age 20 to 29 I basically
had no one, no friends or boyfriend, just a mean mom and sister and
a dad who ignored me. so sex is just not in the cards for me ever
again? My husband will never talk truthfully to me, I know he has
gender issues, is not gay but has an gender identity issues. He is
a very good man who cares for me, provides for me and treats me
very well, he is my best friend, but sex? Well it takes take two to
tango they say...

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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BAREFOOTGIRL, You asked if your relationship is normal, when I
think about how you described it the word imbalanced comes to mind
until you develop intimacy it will remain that way.

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Yes...there is no real intimacy, My husband is not huge on
commuication but he will talk if I start the converstaion...He
shows he cares by doing things for me, little things to large
things, but he is just not real emotional or likes to hug alot. I
do not want to change him, not what I mean, I do love him and he
loves me, we both brings alot of issues to the table maybe, can not
afford therpahy, too many bills and make too much
income...

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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BAREFOOTGIRL, nope you can not change him. But you can
recognize your needs and the importance of getting them
met.

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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i do
not really have any, sex does not appeal to much anymore
anyhow...

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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BAREFOOTGIRL, if this is OK with you then this is normal for
you.

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thank
you puptent...I appreciate that!

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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crystalwaters
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It's
not "normal" according to the surveys in magazines like Redbook,
etc., but it's similar to how my boyfriend and I live our lives.
Both of us are not into how our bodies look these days, and for me
there are things that bubble up to the surface when I become
aroused, things that I would like to explore when I have the time
and money for therapy. I think the best thing for you to do is open
up to your guy and ask him how he feels about your sex life or lack
thereof. That's what I did with my guy, and not only did he
understand, but he said that this sort of conversation is more
"intimacy" in his eyes than the sex act for the sake of the sex act
would be.

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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crystalwaters
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Sorry...I wanted to end by saying, "THAT to me matters more
than some classification of 'normal'."

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bf
girl,

As long as you
stay true to you, that is all that matters. If you are ok with it,
then it should not matter to anyone if it is normal or
not.

If you and your
husband have an otherwise great relationship, and this is something
that you both see as not really an issue, then I say that you have
every reason to do what is best for yourselves.

There seems to be
a lot of "rules" for what should happen in a marriage or
relationship. The only rules that you need to follow are your
own.

November 24, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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((((chinadoll))))thank you!

November 24, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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BFG,
You are welcome!

November 24, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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you
too crystalwaters! i did not mean to leave you out! I know how it
feels when people leave you out around here, so I want to be sure I
had left no one out!

November 25, 2010
12:00 am
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crystalwaters
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Hey,
no problem Barefoot. I am not good at getting back to people
online. I have about a dozen email accts...Facebook...Twitter...and
"favorites" in several different browsers on four different
computers, no lie (my boyfriend gets a lot of old ones from his job
and there are four machines that are dedicated "mine")...I can type
on a forum and not come back until a year later, EASY. So don't
ever worry about missing one of my posts!! lmao

We're having a
great day today, just the two of us, no family. No turkey or
nothing either. Just enjoying a peaceful day off with pay for both
of us, thank goodness, and thankful that we are who we are and we
love each other for each other's true selves. That to me is all
that matters in a relationship -- not the sex, or how much talking
there is with one another, or shared interests. I hope that you and
your husband have that this Thanksgiving too!

November 26, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Nice
to hear from you! It is nice when people post on your threads,
cause it shows they care bout you, not that someone has to post all
the time, once in a awhile is nice! So thankful! i am very thankful
for my friends on here!

November 26, 2010
12:00 am
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truthBtold
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Hey
(((BFG)))

I think that I
might have a slightly different slant here.

Personally, I
really like sex. I think that it is a really GOOD thing for any
adult. It's healthy and satisfying. An expression of love and
intimacy taken in physical form.

I think in many
ways that it can be the great equalizer to all of the pain we
expereince in life...with pleasure biing the opposite of
pain.

Only thing is -
you have to have a partner who is also in tuned with that as well -
otherwise - something is just not right.

A little
"off."

I seem to remember
that you said once that he likes to dress in women's
clothing?

Well, as far as I
am concerned...(amd believe me...I am NOT any authority on this
subject - by a long shot...) that really might not be 'no biggie'
at all. Kind of a weird *fetish" if you will, but something just
mostly harmless that a little open-mindedness might not be able to
cure - you know?

However, if it
seems to be more than that for him - I mean, if he seems to want to
actually change genders, (rather than just wear women's clothes)
than I think that might warrant counseling with someone well-versed
on trans-gender issues.

I don't and can't
tell from your posts which this might be.

Little strange,
weird, harmless fetish...or something more?

(I mean afterall,
I do like, as a women, to stand up to pee sometimes and take a bit
of pride in being able to actually 'aim'...though, doesn't
necessarily mean that I want to change my gender...you follow
me?)

But that's just
me!

Just kind of a
weird thing that I like to do from time to time....I dunno - hell
sometimes - just 'cause!

Maybe he might be
bisexual and is struggling with that?

Maybe he's gay and
never wanted to admit it to you or anyone else?

Maybe he is just
trapped in the *wrong body* as so many transgender folks describe
themselves as being - and who in the world knows the reason for
this except to say that there is really nothing more important than
feeling trapped inside the wrong body/gender?...and try to somehow
make it right through surgery to finally gain that long awaited
peace with themselves?

I SO HATE that
this type of thing is still a taboo subject in this day and
age!!!!

I mean - what is
REALLY more important than someone's feelings - you
know?

I am quite sure
that no one really ASKS for this confusion about themselves!!!! I
mean - who in their right mind - would?

There was a pretty
good, telling movie some years ago entitled: "Normal" - with like
the "R" printed backwards.

Actors included
Jessica Lang and Tom Wilkinson.

Link
here:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338290/

Oddly enough,
addresses your title thread here...i.e. is this normal?

Who knows what is
"normal" anyway?

I
mean....really?

All we can do is
try really, really hard to get down to the actual nitty-gritty
honesty of a relationship...all taboos set clearly aside and get
right on down to the real heart of the matter - you know? What
someone actuallt FEELS?

Because NOT doing
so serves NO ONE!

(ya
know?)

I personally HATE
taboos. It keeps folks STUCK!

BFG, you deserve
to know what's up and so does he.

There really isn't
any other way around it, as far as I am concerned.

Find out what's up
with him - I mean - what's really up and then just go from
there.

Ya just can't keep
trying to go about your own business under such a charade and/or
assumptions - you know? For either one of you!

Gotta just get to
the very ROOT of this - good, bad or otherwise - no shame - no
embarrasement etc...and then just go from there - would be my
feeling ~

Otherwise.....just
letting your feelings and assumptions go all hog wild might just in
the end, prove to be just a lot of wasted energy is my
thinking.

Find out - deep
down - just exactly "What's Up" with this all is probably something
that I think and feel that is probably something that BOTH of you
need....you know? No shame.

At all.

Just truth - is
all.

(((((BFG)))))

November 27, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Yes,
he has expressed being curious but has never acted on it...I think
everyone to some degree has thought of this...but few will admit
it. He tells me he is actually an lesbian in a mans body so he does
desire me...and is not going to leave me. I suspect he has been
abused and this is not his fault. I come with prblems and he
accepts me, so I am trying to also accept him...I think that is
TRUE love. Loving people where they are;)

November 30, 2010
12:00 am
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truthBtold
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(((BFG)))

You know more than
anyone what's best for you.

November 30, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi
BFG,

Don't buy into the
commercialism of being "normal". Normal is something that
advertisers try to say you should be so they can sell you
products/services that will help you reach this impossible state of
being.

Now there is what
the majority of people do, but that is different.

Just because the
majority are doing it doesn't mean it is the only right
way.

I don't have much
interest in sex either, never really have. I have other things that
fill my life with meaning and joy.

The important
thing is that you and your husband are OK with the
relationship.

Here is a website
about being asexual. Just something to look into to see that there
are so many different ways to express your intimacy and gender and
there are many people who do not engage in sex at all.
http://www.asexuality.org/home.....rview.html

December 1, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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oh
goodness, thank you so much Mydas, I appreciate this! How are
things going for you?

December 2, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Does
childhood abuse cause someone to not want sex? Not talking about a
medical disorder or anything like that, but if your perfectly
healthy, would your sexual identity or lack of desire come from
childhood sexual abuse?

December 4, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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I
think it can. For me I think my lack of interest in sex is due to
anxiety associated with sex with my exhusband. I tried to continue
to meet his needs while supressing my own anxieties until the
thought of sex made me physically sick. Now it just isn't a big
thing for me.

Some of my friends
tease that I'm almost a nun, now I just have to convert to
Christianity.

I found the AVEN
site when I was searching my own sexuality and trying to understand
why I disliked it so much. I don't think I am asexual, but I did
find tremendous comfort in seeing so many perfectly happy people
who had no interest in sex. So often our culture is so centered
around sex that those of us with alternative desires are seen as
abnormal. When the truth of it is that we are all just different.
And variety is a good thing.

I had a friend who
would write celebrate diversity on every $10 bill she had in her
possesion. It was her way of expressing and encouraging a culture
where different is OK as long as it is true to who you are or want
to be.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
would like to have sex again...but I think I never seen it the way
I was suppose to in the first place, I was brought up to see it as
dirty and a sin and then when I had sex before marriage I guess I
felt ok being that way, at least it felt pleasuable, now its just
boring, hurts even at times, just not into it anymore I
guess.

i think a healthy
view of sex just never happened for me, I can not even tell my
husband what I like sexually after 16 yrs of marriage, its not that
we are not close, we talk bout everything but sex is one topic that
is hard for me to talk about and feel ok with.

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