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Is It Possible?
February 4, 2005
4:39 pm
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sewunique
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Twinks and Workin,

Am I judging myself? Does this sound like that? Ahhh....you are right. And that I do, I just had not realized it until you pointed it out to me, and I thank you for that. Sometimes we do not 'hear' our own words/thoughts spilling out. Perhaps that is my confusion when I wrote the above post. Where I cannot begin here, where I confuse myself.

Is part of judging myself the reason why I hear the negative records replaying over and over? A question I have to ask myself.

So Twinks and Working,

You both said what I have been trying to work on; caring or not what others think about you or judge you. However, there is more to it than this:

""and walk away from what I know won't fit""

Ok, for more reality; I do like who I am, for the most part. The hard part is acceptance and forgetting about caring what others think. On both accounts, I have improved on this thru the years, particularily since leaving the recent abusive relationship. But those old records...

I will say, I am much improved in accepting others as they are...when I can figure out 'who they really are'. Game playing skews clarity. I become trapped within their web. Validation becomes more urgent for me. I continue to struggle of 'what is' and 'what could have been'.

As for other's acceptance of me (and I think I am a pretty fun, loving, a bit creative, a zest for life, care about others, compassionate person),
that lingers as problematic. I have learned that most times it doesn't matter.

And have found it best to walk away and surround myself with good, caring people. I used to be in the opposite arena; where moaning and groaning about life and people was the mainstay. That only brings on more negativity. Like attracts like. It is counterproductive to live like that. And a sorrwful place to be.

But there are times where I believe what others think of you, is important; such as in the workplace, or when there is a powershift going on. It is a situation I still do not feel comfortable in, and have not mastered how to handle. Perhaps this will improve when I become more comfortable with myself and reassurance and validation comes from within my own self?

February 4, 2005
4:50 pm
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sewunique
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I said;

"I will say, I am much improved in accepting others as they are...when I can figure out 'who they really are'. Game playing skews clarity. I become trapped within their web. Validation becomes more urgent for me. I continue to struggle of 'what is' and 'what could have been'. "

Here I go again. This is beginning to get painful. Game playing scews reality.....whose reality? The one playing the games may be in a different reality than we are. Walk away again? Don't play the games? Why is validation important here? Is it a necessity?

I feel quite frustrated with myself right now, and am not even sure what I write here is important or not. It seems like self doubt is more the issue and all I am dealing with at this point.

Sew Very frustrated.

February 5, 2005
3:24 am
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workinonit
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Sew, you are only going through realities we all share. The best part of realizing this truth is, we are not very different from anyone else!! In this realization you should begin to feel part of the group, the same!

Now, with that under your belt, you need to remember how wonderful each of us is today and every day. Think about the human condition. Who have you ever met that was perfect?........

Since the whole human race is going through their own realities to come to their own ends why in the world would you think you were inferior to anyone else? Bullshit!

No one is any better sew. That is a truth you can bank on!

You said, " As for other's acceptance of me (and I think I am a pretty fun, loving, a bit creative, a zest for life, care about others, compassionate person), that lingers as problematic. I have learned that most times it doesn't matter."

Who friggin cares what you or anyone else thinks sew! It's what you accept and know that counts. Are you willing to say I accept me as I am? Go there! You live one time as sew. Why would you love others more?

February 6, 2005
9:37 pm
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sewunique
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Workin,

Thanks for getting back to me. So these are realities everyone shares? That's good to hear as I often think it is just me and feel alone in questioning these things. I see so many people who seem they have it all together, go to work, come home, do what they have to do and go on with life like they have everything so perfect, are able to cope with things and get past it or thru what ever comes along. Then others, who seem they never get it going, so many struggles like their life is in shambles forever.

One of the things that surprised me, yet was reasurring when I came to this site, was how many people have the same struggles, no matter what career path they are in, no matter what level of intelligence they are. And, being in an abusive relationship can happen to a variety of people. I found out my own divorce attorney came from an abusive marriage. What surprised me more, she was married to an abusive social worker; where one would not expect someone with that type of career, would be an abusive person. Guess I am learning that codependency, abusive behavior, victims and survivors come in all types of people. Quite an awakening for me to learn and accept. People are people. Just because you are educated or intelligent, does not mean you are free from becoming a victim or means you will not be an abusive person.

So I can work on this reality. Understanding this somehow gives me relief and comfort.

Why would I love others more? A strong question. Because I am still trying to accept that I am as good as anyone else. I am still trying to prove to 'them' I am worthwhile, particularily when I face a difficult situation or disagreeable person.

That is what I am still trying to fully accept. It is coming along, but I am not sure how to get there. I want to get to the point where I can feel strong about my feelings about myself. Strong enough and good emough where I can read the threads here and not be afraid what others might say, if they will respond or not, and not to feel inferior or intimidated by what is said. There, I said it. That is the raw truth. How pathetic is that? I want to get to that point where I can say what I believe and to disagree when I disagree when faced with strong, opposing responses here, or in life, in general.

Wish there were a written plan through all this. Then I could say 'hey, I am at step A, B, C, and this is how far I am and how far I have to go. I know it isn't a reality and life is a continuum, and not always comfortalbe for anyone. Just wish it were easier to get through all this. Being here at ACC has been the most rewarding for me and really has been a great help. Stretching and growing is not always comfortable.

So right now, I am trying to work on just feeling better about myself. And that is hard right now.

February 15, 2005
3:39 am
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sewunique
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So, I have been working trying to "feel better about myself" which becomes a challenge when confronted by our fears.

Twinks,

I applaude you for taking a stance and helping out many of us, including myself in the prayer thread. I couldn't have said it any better than you did, how you expressed your ideas was right on target. And true, many of us, especially myself, had to stand back, not knowing how to respond. But look the good it came of it? It turned out well, and I finally was able to write what I needed to say after I was able to face my fears. Although, it certainly gave my many physical symptoms of stress that I do not need in order to get there. It seems the older I get, the more the negative things affect me more. So I guess it is time to get to a better place now so I can enjoy life more fully!

Sew

February 15, 2005
4:03 am
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sewunique
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Twinks,

I do not understand (I feel like saying to the master/teacher, I do not understand), how can it be good and bad, your conversations? I do not understand the relationship. Perhaps I shall later?

There is so much to learn. And I must learn to deal with the stress, as it does give me chest pains, just like heartburn. Been checked out; proven stress factor.

Sew

February 15, 2005
6:54 pm
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sewunique
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Twinks,

There you have it. I will heed caution. This is an Aaaaaahhhhh moment, yes, yes, quite agreed. I had my own assumptions, the triggers, what I have dealt with in my own marriage, so similiar. I surprise myself at almost catching it, wondering. I have to protect myself in these situations. I have left a situation where had I remained, I literally would have withered away, been put away, or died. It gets much worse, but no need to tell. I am free now and can see clearly as the fog has lifted from my mind. You have done me a big favor. (Hope we both remain here). It is hard to interrpret when being baited or simply being challenged, or both. The good and bad, the ying and yang. I feel relieved and more at peace and can find my strength now.

February 16, 2005
2:46 pm
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sewunique
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Twinks,

You had mentioned earlier to me, that while posted back and forth to Tez, you found some ideas that gave you strength to carry on, that you still use today. Could you please refer me a bit closer to where/what date in that beastly long thread that this is described which you are referring to? I have read the first month of that thread, and perhaps I have missed it (missed the point? ha) or is it further on? Or give me some clue what the conversation /idea was about? Thanks,

Sew

February 16, 2005
3:30 pm
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sewunique
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Twinks,

I was referring to how to handle my stress, as not coping well with some issues I am working on, the stress has caused me headaches, chest pains (not cardiac), been sick past week and a half, etc.

I have been reading the Zen thread. About May 25, you and Tez talk about resentment. That resentment is our own problem. Is this what you are referring to? Because I do not see this as the entire answer. That part of the thread is about just self discovery (which I am working on with my issues), but not specifically how to handle the stress. If you point me in the right direction, I would be ever so obliged; I think I shall then be more prepared to proceed further in my quest.

February 16, 2005
7:28 pm
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sewunique
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Thanks, Twinks....such a start.

Now how do I change myself to sustain the triggers from reaccuuing or to suppress me? That is what I ask of myself here...

There are many paths which can lead to the same place; which path now....another path, another chapter...onward! To begin; the reading of the Zen thread.

February 17, 2005
1:20 am
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sewunique
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Hours later.........whew, that is a long thread; skimmed parts of it. Very interesting where you both, Tez and Twinks, have come from and your journeys. Guess I no longer have to ask you Tez, who you are. But, Twinks, I have the same questions as you have/had, and our past 17 years are similiar. Tez, I see similarities in many points of view and different ways of thinking, not in great depth from my learning, however.

My mind is full right now. And to think that I wonder how one can try to imagine the infinity of space and where does it end, the universe, haeavens end, people look at me like I am daft. I guess not?

Anyone have any books for referral? I was thinking about starting out with Jung.

I go back to my original question that I was referred to bring here by a very wise woman. That is: Is it possible to get thru this recovery of being codependent or whatever term one chooses to use? To be able to face one's fears, insecurities, triggers and be able to live a happier more fulfilled life?

February 19, 2005
9:58 pm
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workinonit
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""To be able to face one's fears, insecurities, triggers and be able to live a happier more fulfilled life?""

This is it ladies. This is the mantra we should live through, for, with, and by.

It truly doesn't matter what people agree or disagree with because in the infinity beyond our experience there is room for all of it. Kindness doesn't mean squat if you can't accept the fact that others might and probably do think differently, at least about something! And, wouldn't it be a boring world if we all thought the same boring thoughts?

Hell yeah!!

Oh, and books, one of my fav's is The Holographic Universe. A bit tedious but so thought provoking.

I think the trick with the full head sew, is don't take anything too seriously. Just when you think you have it figured out something or someone comes along and blows it off course. Go with the flow darlin and you'll feel so much better!

Twinks, how true! The trouble with fog is, it comes back again just once in awhile. But, experience teaches us how to navigate and soon enough we don't even have to keep our hands in front of us!! LOL

Sorry I haven't been around here to often lately. School keeps me quite busy but it's the learning thing! Gotta do it! I hope you two know I am thinkibng of you and wishing you all the best life can give!

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