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Is It Possible?
December 6, 2004
6:58 pm
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sewunique
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I think this question may belong up here in Libs. Reading Coda books have little or no resolve on this question, nor very encouraging, that I have found.

Are people able to really function well and get on with healthier lives with coda, or just stuck in this muddle forever?

December 6, 2004
8:02 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Excellent post, twinks!

December 6, 2004
10:03 pm
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LthrNlace
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I think thats a great thread post. I think the word and label of being coda is used much to readily. It is not a bad thing, or even an unusual act to want to take care of someone you love and do whatever you can for them, and let them do the same for you.

Human beings are social creatures by nature. We want to belong and have people love and care for us and do the same for others. I think its instinctual for the most part, especially for females, part of the maternal nurturing.

Now if it is taken into absolute extremes, then that can start to become an unhealthy situation, but that is with anything in extreme. You can still have your own identity and become involved and caring with another person. As a counselor myself, I think this term is used way too much and in situations that are not unhealthy.

December 7, 2004
12:25 pm
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LthrNlace
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You are so right, twinks. I am glad you posted this thread and hope others see it and respond with their thoughts. I was just pondering this question the other day, after seeing so many people on here stating they are codep. Such labels are more harmful than healthy. The labels should be used as a lesson, then remove the label from yourself.

December 7, 2004
8:43 pm
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on my way
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Twinks, this is a very good post, appreciate the clarification as well.

Sew, yes, you, can. With all of your talent, education, hard work, love for people...all of that balanced part of you that is already in place you are more than there. Coming out of an abusive marriage takes time to heal some emotions though...just maybe try to keep separating yourself from what he thought, to who you really are, and who you are becoming. Hugs, & just keep believing.

December 11, 2004
4:14 am
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Zinnie
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Personally, I think you have to "want" to get better - in any thing - not just co-dependency.

Hence, I'm accused of being a steam roller.

Z.

December 14, 2004
2:29 pm
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workinonit
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Well twinks, I have been confronted with this same line of reasoning by a very close friend, my best girl friend in the whole world!!

I am listening....

In reflecting, before I labeled myself I did understand instinctively, something was wrong. Was it me? Was it the N husband? Jeez, twinks, in further reading I've discovered the second one was N too!!! Go frikkin figure! damn!

So now, the common denominator is me. Is it not natural for me to examine my behavior? Of course and I know you agree with this. I think my dysfunction with relationships has to do with my relationship with my father and his dysfunctional relationship with my mother, having four children and then running off to live out the rest of his life in a gay relationship, contracting aids and dying at the young age of 62.

Common? Uncommon? Who knows? Codep? What say you all?

December 15, 2004
10:50 am
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workinonit
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Oh the sad little boy!! Yeah, now I remember. I was sitting with a friend at a local place after leaving the first ex. She said, what kind of guy are you attracted to? I looked around the room and picked out the saddest looking sap there!!!! How funny! I wound up dating him for 6 months and became depressed over it. Yikes! I see the scenarios now and steer clear more often. When I'm not sure....I steer clear anyway just in case!

Twinks....You go girl!!! I am happy for you and hope you have the best ever Christmas!!!!!!

December 18, 2004
10:28 pm
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workinonit
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Yo twinks!!! What are you doing?? I'm feelin ignored here!! LOL!!

January 10, 2005
4:32 pm
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mamacinnamon
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That's worth printing and keeping. Thanks for sharing w/ us.

January 10, 2005
8:52 pm
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workinonit
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twinks, thank you so much for this, it totally validates my codependency but, it shows me where I am strong too.

I'm crying reading this, maybe cause I'm a sap but I think because I see the places I naturally grew from. I knew the behaviors were not right inherently and that feels good now! You validated this too.

I will never believe, as long as I live, life's habits are written in stone. I am a frikkin "glass more than half full" person but twinks!!! this has gotten me further than even I would have believed.

I can be and do anything in this world I can dream of right now!!! So can we all. The difference is in the faith in ourselves.

January 11, 2005
6:16 pm
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on my way
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Twinks, first I want to say that you sound so much stronger, and as if you are feeling better than say, 3 months ago. Congrats!!
Thanks for putting this in for everyone to read, it is something that I know I can be reminded of daily. 🙂

January 11, 2005
8:23 pm
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workinonit
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Twinks, amen to onmyway's words. You sound so good and I am happy about that.

Thanks for the continued validation. You have become someone I can really depend on for truth. Trith that makes sense to me anyway.

I agree that we are all here to learn, otherwise we'd be in the angel realm or something as sweet! So bring it on woman! I am happy to continue the way we are going!

January 26, 2005
2:19 pm
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sewunique
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Little did I ever realize what starting this thread would develop into.... .Good things.

And to think I never responded back to it. 🙂 Now I shall:

Yes, it is possible! Yes, it is!

The type or amount of recovery is dependent upon each individual and given their set of circusmstances, resources and desire.

I really, trult believe it is possible. But, what the hay, that is just my take on it, right?

Sew; smiling

January 28, 2005
2:30 pm
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workinonit
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of course it is possible!!!! Anything is opssible in this world of ours if you believe. In what you say!

YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

Twinks, I'd so love to hear the details my friend!!!!

January 28, 2005
2:33 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Twinks:

Congrats on your progress. You have worked hard and deserve happiness. Good for you!

(I'm interested in the new guy too!)

January 28, 2005
3:22 pm
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sewunique
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Twinks,

I now believe it is possible to change or at least change our reactions to the triggers. I have to admit, when I first posted this, at the coaxing of a wise person, I never expected the full blown responses you posted. Yet I was thrilled that you presented well thought out ideas and shared researched ideas/theories on the subject of codependency.

I was most impressed. I read each post. It was in fear and embarrassment of my own shortcomings and inadaquencies that I could not respond back.

Yet, I yearn to learn more and how you came to this present state. How did IT happen? What tolls were in place? How does it affect your daily life now and how do you keep in balance?

I am aware of many references, books, sites, mtg. groups in which to attend. But what is the real crust of the change? It IS possible, isn't it? Please share. Thanks,

Sew/C

January 28, 2005
5:45 pm
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sewunique
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Dear Twinks,

I am smiling;)

You give me more hope and reassurance! Thank you and big (((hugs))), I truly mean it. You are an inspiration. I will continue to read and learn from you and others. Tho' I may not feel compelled to post back, I am there reading (as Tez once put it). Perhaps in a different context, but I am glad to be here. I will post whenever I feel strong enough for my voice and views to be heard, that is, when I feel I am strong within myself about whatever the topic.

Sew/c

January 28, 2005
8:11 pm
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workinonit
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Well, I am going to be the devil's advocate for a minute.

I had what you have now twinks. About 5 months ago I fewlt on top of the world. My life was going better, I was getting over my failed relationship, having fun and school etc etc. Then I met E. I posted a thread which you may be aware, I know you are sew, of the proceedings.

Now I am feeling back to myself and I am feeling good aboput seeing things before they progressed to far. Growth.

But, the triggers came and I ignored them at first because I wanted this tryst. I guess I am saying, beware the deceptive heart.

January 29, 2005
12:01 pm
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sewunique
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It's getting rather comfy-cozy up here! Which is rather good, because I am getting ready to take myself to the next level. Which should be awkward and uncomfortable to stretch some more. Will you (plural)both be here?

I know that I am ready to take that path untaken. Which one, or where it will lead me, this I do not know. Perhaps I should have a goal in mind for a clearer perspective to lead me on? There are many paths that can lead to the same end. Which one it is, right now I don't know. I have to still think some more and will respond back later.

Sew/C

January 29, 2005
9:08 pm
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workinonit
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About the same sew but whenever I am on I always check in here too so, start the challenge if you like and let it flow where it will!

Twinks (sew too!), Not trite at all!!! I am in total agreement with this and I love the fact I see this. At one time, when I left the first one, I couldn't even comprehend what people were saying about "finding myself" I thought, "what the hell are they talking about? I am me! Who should I be looking for!?" Now, I get it and getting it helps me see there will always be things I may not get right away but eventually i will!!!

I am settling back in and remebering to feel good about my accomplishments and I sure like the fact that you are too~!

January 31, 2005
12:34 am
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sewunique
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And so I am at this crossroad. I do not know which way to go. The more I ponder what do I want, and how to begin, the more I suddenly have become overwhelmed.

The only way I know how to go forward at this point, is to begin with the question title of this thread; Is it possible; to recover?

In asking this question, it is apparent (to me),that I have a desire to see an end to my quest, that is; in discovering what is codependency, how does it affect my life? How can I best deal with it effectively? Will I be able to become independent, in my behavior, feelings and thoughts? If I do have codepency traits, or learned coda behaviors, is there hope to have recovery? What is recovery? Is there an end to this to learn how not to act with these behaviors, or is it like diabetes, and I have to learn how to deal with this in the best way possible? Many of these questions may be redundent, but again, my mind seems more in a muddle right now than the clarity I had hoped for.

I would think I should be able to pick one defined goal in all of these questions. That may be; to discover if it is possible to recover and how tto apply it to my life effectively?

To begin with the question; is it possible? I refer to Twinks' response in the first posting of this thread, to identify what is coda and if it really relates to me personally:

"Sew, I think you might do well to start by asking whether you actually are 'coda', whatever it means, and reading critiques of the theories, as well as standard coda books.....

Since this thread was first initiated, there have been several other threads that I have participated on that deals with this same question. So for now, given the brief information I have, let's say that it is fair to assume we have a pretty good understanding what codepency is. Further debate on that issue I am sure will reappear in further postings here.

Secondly, do I qualify for having codependency traits?
I believe in having the majority of the identified traits given to the broad term of codependency. Saying that, and putting aside the argument if coda is a myth, I think it is possible to continue to the other questions.

Where do I go from here? Does anyone see this as confused thinking on my part in trying to sort this out? Or am I trying to take too many questions at once? Thanks for any feedback,

Sew

February 3, 2005
11:44 pm
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workinonit
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Sew, The confusion comes n trying to judge yourself.. Stop that!!!! You are just awesome the way you are,,,,at least here!!!

My question would be, what do you like about you? I did this in the beginning and found I really did like who I was...basically. So, the next question is, what would you change? I came up with a few things but not near as many as the books would have me believe! I figured if this was me in my 40's I was pretty much going to be this way forever( at least in this life) I decided to like me and when I found something i did n't like i accepted me. Try it!! It helps you be more aware and stop justyfying your own shortcomings because now you are ok with them.

We all have shortcomings. Even those people who say they are not coda. Just a different flavor of weird!

February 4, 2005
1:00 pm
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workinonit
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You go Twinks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess now my challenge is accepting others as they are too. In accepting myself I forgot to say to me, this goes both ways. I may outwardly say I'm not judging and usually this is true. Until the person begins to mean something to me. It may be unconciously subtle, little manipulative tweaks, under the breath remarks to myself, tiny pushes in the right direction and all of this without clearly seeing what I'm doing!!!

I recognized these actions when I realized the common denominator in my two marriages. ME! I thought critically about my behavior and realized I manipulated my ex into marrying me. Wow. I hated to admit this!!!!!

Now, I try to be more aware and walk away from what I know won't fit. It may be lonlier but it is honest and feels better in the long run.

February 4, 2005
1:16 pm
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workinonit
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Yeah, it sure as hell is.

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