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Is codependancy really all that bad??
May 22, 2008
3:29 pm
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Nightshine
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I ended my relationship with my significant other. So, not only am I dealing with the loss of my love, lover and best friend, I am floundering around like a fish out of water internally, in that I lost all that I am...to him. In our time together I was codependant on him for stability, support, comfort and happiness. If he didnt give it to me, I didnt feel happy. I'm still not sure how I became the enabler to him and his alcoholism, but I think it came in stages. I slowly got conditioned to be what he wanted. The female version of him. My business went from full time doing ok to me having to get a full time job and work my dream business as a side line, it killed my pride and made me feel like a failure; I was actively volunteering with a local cat rescue organization that I loved tremendously and that stopped; I spent way too much money on drinking, partying, dinners, gas to drive us everywhere (as he doesnt have a license or a car) and I neglected my bills, causing me bad financial troubles; because of the financial troubles I lost my new vehicle; I lost my friends..they werent the drink and party every night type, so they drifted away; my hobbies were simple.. reading, movies, going to the movies..used to go every weekend..haunting the book stores with a carmel macchiato in hand looking for something good to read, shopping with friends...all of it STOPPED. Every single thing that i loved to do just simply stopped. And we drank. And we listened to some good bands, and we drank more, and we had alot of sex, and we drank more. The drinking I enjoyed for a while. But something inside of me knew that this was not how I wanted to continue living my life. He could go on for the rest of his life drinking and drugging and being the local "rock star" he thinks he is. He doesnt see any problem with his life. And why should he? He went from an ex who was an enabler to me who was an enabler, and we just became exactly what he wanted. He's the king, we're the servants. Something was telling me that this wasnt right. I still couldnt define it, couldnt quite put my finger on it, but i felt off, miserable, even he was not making me happy anymore. I told him that I felt like I had lost me and became someone different. After talking with several people and admitting some harsh truths about myself, I realized that I dont have a self image. I dont know what I want, I dont know how to get it because I dont know what it is, I dont know how to be happy, as my "happiness" as always been supplied by someone else, be it parents, boyfriend, etc.

So, at 34 years old I am finally trying to find me. I am emotionally wrung out. I feel so tired from feeling everything that I have felt in the last week or so. I decided last night that I needed to break it off with with the boyfriend. I cant figure me out when I'm engulfed in him. We tried "reconciling" monday, but it still didnt feel right. And you know what, I slipped right back into my old patterns of satisfying him and seeing to his happiness. Nothing has changed. I have to fix me before I can even attempt a relationship with anyone. I dont have any friends, I dont have a boyfriend. The only support system I have in my life are my Mom and my cats. Everyone else is gone. Chased away by me and my dysfunctional relationship which seemed so exciting and new, and we were so in love and fit together perfectly, and were meant for each other. You know I think that you're "soulmate" is someone just as screwed up as you are. In so much as you relate to the same things, feel the same way, react to situations the same, that is your soulmate. He is mine. He is an alcoholic with an addictive personality and I am an enabler willing to give everything that I have and everything that I am to him so that he will make me happy. This is one sick and twisted "relationship", but look how we fit together like pieces of a puzzle. We both are giving each other exactly what we think we need. Unfortunately, neither of us has taken the time to find out who we really are or what we can offer someone in a relationship. Neither of us have anything at all to bring to a healthy relationship. I'm tired of being dependant on someone else to make me happy. It's time I figure out who I really want to be and start living my life for myself. I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I think it's a step in the right direction to start trying.

There is a long hard road ahead of me...sometimes I think, why bother? Is codependancy all that bad? Yes.

May 23, 2008
3:21 pm
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garfield9547
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Nightshine

You wrote

"You know I think that you're "soulmate" is someone just as screwed up as you are. In so much as you relate to the same things, feel the same way, react to situations the same, that is your soulmate. He is mine. He is an alcoholic with an addictive personality and I am an enabler willing to give everything that I have and everything that I am to him so that he will make me happy. This is one sick and twisted "relationship", but look how we fit together like pieces of a puzzle"

True words you said here, very true...

You decided to make a break for yourself. You saw the problem. You are writing your own life script and the start of identifying who you are has just begun.

Well done on this

Love

Garfield

May 25, 2008
12:25 pm
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chelonia mydas
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((((Nightshine))))

I can so relate to your situation. You are doing the right thing by being alone for a while and figuring out who you are, what you want ect.

It is a hard path to take, but the rewards are worth it.

Two years ago I realized that I had always had someone in my life to take care of. I went from my father, to my husband with 3 weeks in between (dated husband for 4 years than married for over a decade after that). Once I hit my 30s I realized how much I was giving up of my dreams for him. When I realized my codependency, I started to change and grow up.

The man that I beleived to be my soul mate no longer fit me and I no longer fit him. I invited him to grow with me, but he didn't want to change. He didn't see anything wrong with the situation because he got everything he wanted all the time.

As I have changed I've also noticed that my friends are changing... the ones who are very disfunctional no longer do things with me, but I am making new friends that are more mature and mentally healthier.

I've been alone for 19 months now and just in the past 6 months have really discovered some of the things I want for myself. I've started to realize that I do have value by myself. Sometimes I'm lonely, but I find comfort in my pets. They have always been a big part of my life. I'm glad to hear you have cats, they are wonderful companions. I have cats and other fur kids too.

Wishing you strength, insight and comfort on your journey to a better, happier you 🙂

Hugs,
Chelonia

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