I think I got hit big time.

I was depressed when I had called her before. She called back later and said her guy had told her he had heard some rumours and would want to talk to her later.

I had told a friend of mine about her and me before. She asked me if I had told anything anything, I said no, no one except that guy who was my roomate.

I got worried and she told me not to worry and that it might be something else. She said "dont call me" and a silence.

She said she'll call me tomorrow. As whats happened before, she doesnt call when she says she does (cause she might not be feeling like calling).

Well I feel she's basically wanting to run away from me, far away. I can understand. its killing me. I've made my rule not to contact her before Wednesday no matter what. She might not call, she might.

Nothing is working and even this feels like a big rejection. Everything is spirilling down.

So I'm here, with my promise to stick to my rules. I have to follow my rules. If I break them, I'll be disobeying myself. Its very hard for me to stop thinking about this.

But tsk tsk, it had to come to this, that she's telling me not to call her, wow? It seems like that. No one wants to be around low energy people.

The problem is I called her when I was down and in the beginning of any relationship, the guy is usually tough - he hides his weaknesses and puts on a strong tough face. Thats how all relationships work, right? Later on, when the snare is set, the girl is his, he reveals his weaknesses slowly. No wonder there's a more than 50% divorce rate.

Guys have to play it tough in the begining otherwise more "tougher "competition can knock them out of the race. Thats how it is, isnt it?

Everything looks rosy in the beginning and later on everyone reveals their weaknesses.

I wish I was genuinely strong and confident.