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In this moment.....
June 3, 2010
3:42 pm
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Hepburn
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(((SCL, Chinadoll)))

June 3

In This Moment, feelings don't require action.

I have learned in CoDA that my feelings are mostly based on early experiences, not on the present. They are important to acknowledge and reflect on, but not to act on, until I identify the source. Too often, I have acted hastily after being triggered by an issue from my family of origin. Feelings have no brains! I use my intellect in the present to choose an action. I breathe and wait. I find I have fewer regrets.

June 4, 2010
2:44 am
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chinadoll
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{{Hep}}

Yes, I have learned that feelings have a way of tricking you. Or they have a way of making a situation bigger than what it is, and if you react hastily, it could make things worse.

I had some sad feelings about some things that my boyfriend told me about 2-3 weeks ago, but I did not tell him right away how I felt. I waited until the time I would see him in person.

It allowed me to think over what I wanted to say, how I would say it, and when I did, I was much calmer, and not emotional. I didn't cry or have drama, and it helped us to talk it all out without both of us getting upset.

Had I reacted right when I was feeling those things, it probably would have turned out badly. I have a tendency to feel like I will get yelled at if I speak up, cuz it was always like that in the past with my ex-husband. My boyfriend doesn't ever yell. he realized that I am so used to drama that I get uncomfortable when things are calm. Like I am waiting for things to blow up, so I brace myself for the yelling (or worse). It's taken a lot for me to be ok with calmness, for trusting that what I am experiencing with him is real. He's starting to see that this was all from my previous experiences, and he is trying to be patience to understand it all.

When he & I first met, and I explained that I had been abused, I don't think he truly knew what it meant until he saw my reactions with his own eyes. He's the first one to have hung in there thru the transition and didn't run off when things were strange to him, like other guys I dated. They were gone so fast.

Yes, it is true, sometimes it's best not to act, and just to allow things to unfold.

June 4, 2010
9:25 am
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I love these Hep.

I've been reciting the words In this Moment just to breathe through a moment to give myself time.

June 4, 2010
2:22 pm
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Hepburn
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(((Lani)))
What a wonderful idea! I'm going to try that!

June 4, 2010
3:00 pm
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Hi everyone...been kinda of busy, but i wanted to post something...I been on facebook alot and I had noticed some very awful people, whom I know things bout, being others friendlists who are just like them...these people seem to all have a common denominator to them...

I think there is alot to be said bout birds of feather flocking together...some of my abusers are on that site, with some very disturbing content, things I can not even mention here, can't go down that road in my mind right now, but maybe I should stay off that site....

I just kinda of noticed something, it gave me kind of an epiphany today, not sure if I spelt that right or not, but you sure can tell alot by pics and what people say and who they are friends with...

I really just want to throw up right now....sorry to be a bummer today:(

June 4, 2010
10:08 pm
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andii
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Those abusers aren't worth your time BFgirl. They'll live their lives, we get to live ours. I've been thinking and thinking on all this discussion about reactions. I've always admired those who seem to "know" when to say nothing. How I aspire to acquire that trait.

andii

June 5, 2010
9:28 am
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Well I just hope if there is a hell, there is a special place for pedophiles...

June 5, 2010
3:16 pm
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In this moment, I am trying to get organized and stay focused. This gets so hard for me, espcially when I am so tired. I have so many things to do, and no one to really help me.

Not that anyone can help, these are things that are mine to deal with, as I am the one that knows what is to be done.

I get forgetful. I need to take a moment to clear my mind and figure out how to get started.

June 6, 2010
2:05 am
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Hepburn
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(((BFG, andii, China)))

Most weekend nights I get very lonely. And tonight is no exception. I'm finding this to be a trait while on the road to recovery. Since I've let go of most of my "friends" and I have no bf anymore. This is very new and different for me. I know it won't be like this forever, but it's difficult none the less.

I can say that at least I've come to a point where I'd rather be alone and lonely then to settle for toxic people just for the sake of company. I realize this was a pattern so that I wouldn't have to BE alone with me. Actually I'm a little shocked at just how uncomfortable I am with myself sometimes. Of course had I not forced this self imposed exile I would not have discovered this. So this is the "self love" that I hear tell about all the time. "Love" at this point seems too lofty a goal. How about just the concept of "like" to start with.

I am in the midst of going through the eye of the needle.

After flipping through my book, I came upon this In This Moment:

In This Moment, I stop blaming myself.

In the past, I made poor choices in relationships. This habit stems from a childhood of emotional neglect and abandonment. As a result of these poor choices, I have a string of failed friendships. I often shouldered the burden for these failures. I believed that others valued me only for my deeds or my ability to "fix" their problems.

Now, in recovery, I've come to believe that a relationship is far from a failure when it teaches me something. I no longer blame myself when a relationship ends.

June 6, 2010
3:02 am
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andii
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(((Hepburn)))

Loneliness bites.

June 6, 2010
10:12 am
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(((Hepburn)))
I can relate so much to what you just. Posted....my abusive past made me very lonely...its sad cause when I am on facebook and I see everyone from hs adding everyone and talking...I realuze that I do not know ANYONE...I remember grad day back and how no one spoke to me, hugged me or said congrats....when everyone flew their caps. In the air...I sat with mine not knowing what to do...I felt very alone at that moment...a few people added me but no one talks to me..I tried and I get no responses..I feel foolish being on there. I never had lunch at school with a friend...my one and only. Friend was always high and even she had friends....sometimes I feel there is a mark on me...that tells people to ignore me.....I know today why thus is but I never been able to change this...I attract hurtful people who are not really friends...exxcept one who doed seem to like me..not sure why either but besides her...I am friendless too and it seems the toxic people I am left to cut out or keep being hurt so I choose the former.

June 6, 2010
1:16 pm
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chinadoll
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Hi everyone!

{{Hep, Bfg, andii}}

Yes, I get lonesome at times, too. My boyfriend is on the East Coast & I am on the West Coast, so it's not like we can go on "dates" all the time. When we visit each other, it's like we have to cram a bunch of "dates" in a few days. Sometimes, on the weekends, he works or I work, so we can't even call each other whenever we want.

Because of the time difference (3 hrs), we have to "make an appointment" to talk on the phone or Skype. Lol!!

I don't have very many friends now. Like you, Hep, most of them I let go because they were either taking advantage of my kindness, or I was the one making most of the effort to get together. I did get to have dinner last night with one of my best friends. My other best friend & I have not seen each other for so long, first she had a surgery and was recovering and now her husband had a surgery and she is helping him to recover.

Sometimes I think it is best to have just a few friends that you know that you can trust, rather than many who will stab you in the back.

I made poor choices in realtionships, too, in the past. I really didn't know better. I was not taught to look for healthy relationships. I used to get so mad at myself for some of the dumb things I did. But I learned a great deal, and had I not gone thru those things, I would not have learned. I would still be doing the same dumb things.

Bfg, I went to two different high schools, so I did not make many friends. The ones I made, I still see them, so I have no interest in reunions or anything. I don't do Facebook or MySpace at all. The main reason is because my ex-sister-in-law keeps sending me e-mails to "friend" me on Facebook, and I don't want her to know anything about me or tell my ex-husband (her brother) anything about me. I know everyone is doing Facebook now, but I can't take a chance. My safety is more important. Sometimes my sister will let me see her Facebook, since we have many of the same friends, but it's not good for me to have my own.

My sister lives 4 hours drive from me so I can only see her on long holiday weekends. My brother lives about 1 hour drive from me, but is always too busy to see me or call me. I last saw him in person at Easter. Oh well. He's the one that has the idea that we all need to stay in touch and be the happy family. He and his wife are too into themselves and their fake friends to bother with anything that's real.

June 6, 2010
1:39 pm
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(((chinadoll))) sometimes being absent makes the heart fonder...I know with my husband traveling so much..it helps us appreicate the time we have...before we took it for granted...:)

The reason I do fb is to basically show off that I have a good life and to brag, I know that sounds bad, but what I Had before was NOTHING, no one, I lived at home, had no car and no job or friends, not sure why I never took a bridge, but for some reason I didn't...thankfully...

I have alot of reasons why I go on there, and the big one is to show that I am someone, I did things in life and that SOMEONE did love me and marry me...I think I was the laughing stock in my town, everyone used me and then dumped and I am sure talked bout how much of a loser I was...I know that...can't prove it, but I know that...

So its my revenge I guess to show off my life today...my family I now have that loves me, my home and our pets and you name it, I finally have people who love me and I no longer live at home with my abusive family....I guess if I were a better person, I wouldn't have the need to brag bout it, but I guess I am just human here....

I don't blame you for wanting to protect yourself, that is wise of you. My sister is always too busy for me too, and it got to the point that I said, well if I am not included here, then I am out of here, and of course she could of cared less, we no longer talk cause she did not want to come to our home for a holiday...one holiday a year was too much...for her own sister...so you know what? the hell with her, she showed me who she is and now I must believe her and protect me and my family....

Hey Andii and everyone else(((Hugs)))

June 6, 2010
4:12 pm
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Hepburn
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(((Ladies)))

Ahhh, the road to recovery. At least we're all trying to heal.

China, I was not taught to look for healthy relationships either. I am going through that with my kids right now. I am trying to teach them. Of course trying to teach a teenager anything is like pulling teeth......I have to let them fall, but I'm there to pick up the pieces, put them back together so they can go back and learn something else. I don't know any other way of doing it.

BFG, Don't want to sound harsh, but you're complaining about people ignoring you, when you're admitting that you throw your good life in their face. We have to evaluate our expectations. And if you're expecting some kind of admission from abusers on your FB posts don't hold your breath. I would delete those people from your "friends" list and those friends who are friends of your abusers. If you have no friends left, then so be it. Continuing to engage with unhealthy and/or abusive people will only slow down your healing process or stop it all together. I'm assuming you want to heal?

Sounds like you got your point across, now it's time to move on and be grateful for your new life and stop wasting time with these people who are not going to give you what you want.

Why didn't your sister want to come to your house?

June 6, 2010
4:22 pm
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Hepburn
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Oh, and I wanted to mention that Dr. Wayne Dryer has a great book about "Intentions". I stop and think now if I'm not sure how to handle a situation and ask myself; "what is my real intention on doing________or contacting__________". I have to be REAL honest with myself, which is not easy sometimes (that's an understatement, lol), but it has saved me a lot of stress. Not to mention my dignity at times.

Love,

Hep

June 6, 2010
10:13 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Oh no...I do not have any of my abusers on my friend list...but I see them on fb....the people on my list were ok...enough to add...but no one really talked to me in hs nor do they now even..now...I bragged for awhile and then just got quiet....it was important for me to let others see I am not broken or what others try to write me as...deep down it was healing fir me...but now...I am done...no one really cared about me anyhow on there...I know that...
Myt sister is jealous and bitter and she has a lot of pain in her...she would never seek help and once when she did...she hated the t and she told me she needed to take a bath ...she asked my sister if she ate ewnough food...and she was pissed and left. She only went cause she was held at gunpoint by a bank robber...not the only one who did that to her...our mom also pointed a gun at her over something dumb..but that was ok cause she apparently got over that:( her husband is also very selfish and its all about his side...

June 6, 2010
10:24 pm
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I started out kinda nice...quiet even...I just felt ignorned....as always...after awhile I wrote my life out...now I guess I should just go...no one would miss me anyhow...

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
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andii
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BFgirl, I would certainly miss you.

Criticism is hard to take sometimes as it brings up old hurts. Are you responding to old hurts or new ones right now? That's an important question. Just stop for a sec, reread what Hepburn wrote, and see if it is applying to you. Be honest with yourself, you deserve that. There is much wisdom in her words, and much in the words you have written as well. It's hard to heal as all the things we did to survive have to be put aside and new coping strategies developed. You are safe now, he/she can't hurt you anymore. It's time to move along that healing path and develop a new way of thinking. It's frightening, but you deserve to heal, you really do.

(((BFgirl)))

June 7, 2010
8:11 am
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(((Andii)) thank you...I get it...I just feel kinda lost in the shuffle I guess...how do you feel good enough and healthy? I try and fail and I never feel as if I measure up to be normal...but I do try...I read a lot here and it makes sense but how do you take what is wise and apply it and make it change youy into a normal person, a healthier one? I have made a lot of progress...I been doing thus for ten yrs or so...but I am so far from healthy and I know that..
Time to go work out now...that is one thing I do for myself everday...I lost a lot of weight but gained some back and I am furious with myselkf...but I will not. Dwell on the small gain...I will lose it...I will!
Have a good day everyone! Thanks again andee!

June 7, 2010
10:28 am
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Hi Bfg,

I would miss you, too. I understand feeling ignored. I feel like that sometimes, especially by my brother. I mean, he knows that I am alone at the house right now, and he does not bother to call to check on me. When I call him, he cuts me off after 5 minutes, too busy.

It's been a good month or so since I talked to him on the phone, and I have not seen him in person since Easter. One time when he called and I had been home alone for a while, he asked why I did not call him for a while, I said something like, well, I could have gotten murdered and been laying dead in the house and he would not even know cuz he never calls. I don't know why I said that, I guess I just got mad.

I think I said that because when I lived in another state, he tried to make me feel guilty by saying that his son was going to grow up not knowing his aunt, since I am so far away, and that if I ever had kids, his son would not know his cousins, and it was so important for family to always be together and close by. So, I move back and he lives about one hour away, and he never calls or stops by.

A lot of it has to do with his wife. She is very controlling. She wants all his attention. And they spoiled their son, to where he is very demanding. My brother never gets a moments peace. I try to understand it, but I get upset when my brother makes plans and gets my hopes up and then ignores me.

When my brother doesn't call back, and I ask why, he tries to play like he is so confused, like wasn't I the one who was supposed to call back, and why didn't I call? He does the same thing to my sister. When she had her baby, he and his wife told her they were going to her house to help her, and they never called back. They never went to see her. And when she asked why they didn't call, my brother acted confused and said he thought she would call and he was waiting for her call. Why would she call, if they said they were going to her house?

My sister said that his wife probably decided she did not want to go after all, but did not want to say anything to hurt my sister's feelings, so instead they ignored her.

June 7, 2010
10:46 am
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(((Chinadoll))) better to focus on healthy people who do not play mind games...I know excatly what your going through here...people like them toy with you and always will...you jkinda have to break out of their web...I once had a good friend...still is who told me to think of these people as spiders and me as their prey and their words were the poison...

To get away you must stay away or get sucked in...now some people can maintain their sanity while engaging now and then for the sake of saving face or whatever but they pay a price with emotional pain...that pain can ebventually give you an heartattack or other things...words can hurt us as much as the sword...you know?

June 7, 2010
11:59 am
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Hepburn
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(((andii, BFG, China))))

Good Morning Everyone, after a week off, I'm back at work today, so I'm trying to get back in the swing of things.

(((BFG))) Healing is a process. It's as easy as we make it. I've been working on my "illness" for many years myself. It wasn't until I joined a support group that I started to really sludge my way into recovery. And knowing some of your history, I didn't go through half of what you did. But I know for me my childhood was traumatic none the less. Regardless of who's past was worse then others, it's still major for each of us in our own way. (I know you know this, I'm just say'n for my own edification)

It can be very difficult to become the new BFG when you don't know where to start. I think your exercising is GREAT! But JMO, are you in any kind of support group? I used to poo poo support groups, thinking there wouldn't be anyone in there that could really relate to my issues. Boy was I wrong. Just being on aac is NOT enough.

You wrote:

"...how do you feel good enough and healthy? I try and fail and I never feel as if I measure up to be normal...but I do try...I read a lot here and it makes sense but how do you take what is wise and apply it and make it change youy into a normal person, a healthier one? I have made a lot of progress...I been doing thus for ten yrs or so...but I am so far from healthy and I know that.. "

First congrats on making progress! Just recognizing that you want to be healthier is major at least to me. You mention "I try and fail". What are you trying? And "I been doing thus for ten yrs or so....." What have you been doing for 10 years? Those two parts are a little confusing to me.

Please don't think I am beating up on you BFG. We can all learn from each others journey.

Love,

Hep

June 7, 2010
12:04 pm
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Hepburn
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In This Moment, nothing changes, if nothing changes.

I used to resist change. I found security and comfort in familiarity, even when the familiar was pain, sadness, or grief. Instead, I wanted everyone else to change so I would feel better. When I finally hit bottom, I discovered CoDA and became willing to try something different. It took time, but slowly I came to believe in the benefits of change. For me, it was the beginning of understanding that I have choices. I'm learning how to make decisions and accept responsibility for my life.

June 7, 2010
12:14 pm
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Hey Hep:)

I am putting up boundaries and etching out those that are harmful to me...
I am learning to end friendships that hurt me, stay away from my abusive family who needs me as their scapegoat...I see this more and more and I am getting better at it!
I am not in a support group...I do not even know where any exists and I have never seen one that dealt with childhood abuse, I see AA meeting and etc but none that deals with adult survivors of abuse...
Maybe I need to look more too...I think that pain is pain, no ones pain is more than anothers..its very individual and people have different life experiences, so what can really harm one person can not affect another to the same degree, I understand that:)
change seems to be constant for me, as I have moved alot in my life, physically that is...I always embraced this and welcomed it as my life was a stagent pond for too long and I Was dying inside...literally dying...
What is a Coda meeting? Is this for codependency? I assuming it is...I will have to google and see what I find in my area.
I love to work out, I usually do an high intense workout for a hour five days a week, if i can, usually 3-5...this helps me stay in a routine of sorts.
I am procasterating again. I need to clean, I am not good at mainting things here at home, I do too much in one day or two..inside some everyday and its getting out of hand...I start out with good intentions and then I forget bout being responsible...I need to be for many reasons...
if not for you guys on here, I would have no one to really discuss these things with...so i am grateful for you guys over here, I feel safe on this side...to be me and I am not hurt by what you say, I can tell when people mean that and when they use it to hurt me, I know the difference very well:)
Oh...I admitted today on my facebook that i am agnostic...HUGE postive step for me!

June 7, 2010
12:26 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I have noticed lately that alot of religious people seem to hate me, I always been religious and I never be on the other side so to speak, gosh the hate I feel from the religious community, its weird cause people as soon as they see I am agnostic or I say that online, I get defriended so fast and I do not bash other peoples religion, i hate no one, and yet the hate I get...ok done complaining!

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