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In this moment.....
May 25, 2010
6:13 pm
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andii
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Chinadoll, your culture is interesting. As I think about it, I think American culture was like that- the man in charge, at one time. The women's liberation movement did much to change that.

Hep, your thread gave birth because it's a good thread!!! That was a funny statement, it gave birth.

BFgirl, will you come clean my house? I so struggle with keeping up on that.

Okay, I AM going to make this divorce happen. You're right Hepburn. I can, and I will. I emailed my atty and asked her if we can just schedule a court date, have the judge listen to us both and make a decision. Why can't we just do that? We'll see what she says.

hugs to all

andii

May 25, 2010
6:20 pm
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Hepburn
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Yay BFG! Score another point for the team!

Good luck andii. I know the system can be slow, what with full dockets and such. Yeah, light a fire under your lawyer's butt.

May 25, 2010
6:35 pm
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sexychoclady
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lol Hep u are funny!!! The moment u left the moment changed.Tee hee, As you already know relaspe is apart of a lot of peoples stories in recovery. Hey try not to be hard on urself,remember we strive for progress not perfection. The thing about a relaspe u get ur misery refunded. I once had a AA sponser tell me to look back but don't go back.Wow! make sense now.

It sounds like you came along way.For what ever reason u went back,hopefully you have remembered why u left.Talk about it, right about,hey someone also told me to build a bridge and get over it..lol

In this moment,I am true to me!!
In this moment i am present and except my life,people situations just as they are!
In this moment i forgive myself.
In this moment i am not saying yes when i mean no.
In this moment i am safe.
In this moment i am taking a deep breath and letting go.............

May 25, 2010
7:00 pm
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andii
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Too cool sexychoclady! "build a bridge and get over it" I'm stealing that one, my motto for the month, if you don't mind. That's priceless.

andii

May 26, 2010
1:39 am
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Hepburn
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OMG! LOVE THAT! Hmmm, what should I build the bridge with, cause I don't want to fall through! You know your last paragraph was a great poem!

Just to be clear SCL, I didn't go back to him. Lord NO! I just ended up calling him to get things straight AGAIN. He texts me every 2 weeks when I asked him not to contact me. He says he's not giving up. He's back in the program (AA), knows he hurt me, and he'll do anything to show me we belong together. blah, blah, blah. I told him he's got to do it for himself and not anyone else. We ended the call on good terms. But I know I haven't heard the last of him.

I feel him pulling on me every day.

May 26, 2010
2:26 am
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Lillabit
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i have trouble saying no. i take too much on. then i get so stressed out n resentful. i wish i could just say no n be ok with it.

May 26, 2010
2:45 am
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chinadoll
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oh, Hep! I am sorry about your relapse! You sound like you are getting back in good spirits, tho'.

I am actually half Asian as well, my Mom was Asian and my Dad is Caucasian (Irish), but we had lived for quite some time overseas in Asia, so my parents raised us primarily Asian. Also, my Dad seemed to prefer the Asian culture more (maybe so he could be king of the house?). My brother is #1 child & only son. He got everything he wanted. You know how that goes. My sister and I had to work so hard for everything. My sister & I had to work in the family business, and my brother did not. My brother got college & graduate school paid for. My sister & I both later joined the military to help pay for college, but got "disowned" for a while for leaving the family business.

Oh, wow, we could tell each other so many stories! Yes, I know the half breed treatment very well. Luckily, when we came back to the states, I lived in a neighborhood that had many different cultures, so I made friends with everyone. There are some relatives on my Dad's side that still do not accept us.

My ex-husband is not Asian, but Portuguese, but their culture is somewhat similar. Men are still the kings. I once thought, after my divorce, maybe to marry an Asian man someday, to have the same culture (encouraged by my parents), but then decided quickly against it. I do not want an Asian mother-in-law! I already had the whole experience with an Asian mother, and knew I would never measure up. The first thing she would say is I am not "Asian enough"!! And I was afraid to have bad luck, especially if I marry a #1 son!! oh no!!

Over the years, I have broken away from a lot of the strictness of the culture. But when the elders come to visit, I get scolded if I do not bring the tea!! Luckily, my Dad will make his own breakfast and lunch most of the times. But if I do not make dinner, he says he is not hungry. But then, if I start to cook, suddenly, he is hungry, sitting at the table!!

It's been kind of hard, since my Mom passed away, everyone expects me to take care of my Dad and wait on him hand and foot. And, my Mom took care of him (spoiled him) so well, he is used to it. He is still pretty healthy, and can do quite a lot for himself, he is not disabled in any way. But he likes the attention. I do some things to help, but I don't go out of my way. I am sure the elders are scolding me behind my back.

And since I am the older daughter, you know how that goes. I am expected to step into my Mom's place. My brother, who is #1 son, always happens to be "too busy" to help or even to visit, and he only lives one hour away.

For those of you who are reading this & don't know, the first son is given everything his whole life, the idea is that when the parents get old, he is supposed to take over and care for the parents after they are old. I was the one that ended up taking care of my Mom when she got sick with cancer, and until she passed away.

Today, I spent much of the day trying to clean the house. I did not put as much a dent as I wanted. The house is too big for one person to clean. Even when my Dad is home, he never cleans anything. He admits he is lazy. A lot of it is his mess. I leave most of his mess for him, but he still leaves it, like he is waiting for me to pick up behind him. he's going to have to keep waiting. I don't have time for that. I'll do what needs to be done, but he's just too much.

My sister & her family are coming to visit in a couple of days, and I am trying to finish a bunch of homework ahead of time, so I can leave on Saturday to go to the East Coast, and I have classes the next two nights..so I am still up very late and I should be doing more homework, but I am here instead, taking a study break. I will get it all done, but still feeling like I will not finish everything. It's not going to be perfect, and I won't expect it to be.

May 26, 2010
6:20 pm
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andii
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Well hi lillabit! long time no "see" how are you?

May 26, 2010
10:25 pm
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Lillabit
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andii hi. i'm fine thanx. today i said no to other poeple. no giving anyone a ride. no helpimg anyone else. my day was about me!!! yay. i spent the day shopping them swimming n laying n the sun.

May 27, 2010
1:43 am
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chinadoll
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Hi everyone! Congrats lillabit! May you have more days that are all about you!!

Hi Bf girl,

to get back to you on what you said yesterday, one of the main reasons I have not moved away yet is because I am more than halfway finished with my school program, and I am at the point where I should just finish rather than risking to not have all my credits transfer.

The other reason is because my boyfriend is getting ready to be deployed overseas toward the end of this year (we are both in the military). So, by the time he comes back to the states, I should be done with school.

So, I am trying to be patient. I try to mentally detach myself. I don't enable my Dad or make excuses for him. He pretty much does his own thing and I do mine. Sometimes we get along and do stuff together, sometimes he gets to be too much and I either go out or go stay on the other side of the house and stay in my room.

My Dad used to try to argue with me a lot, especially after my Mom died. He used to blame a lot of stuff on my Mom (unfairly), so after she was gone, he couldn't blame her anymore. When he would try to argue, I would say whatever in my own defense of his silly argument and just walk away, so he was left to argue with himself.

He still tries to talk me out of things. He tries to say things to make me doubt myself, to make me feel like I will not make it on my own, like I will fail. He tries to make it sound like he & my Mom "saved" me from my ex-husband (which he tries to take most of the credit for), when actually I lived by myself for a year before I came back to my parents' house. I took care of my grandpa for 6 months before he went back to Asia to live in a nursing home, then I helped to take care of my Mom until she passed away.

My Dad acts like since I am in school, and working a part-time schedule that I am not doing anything important. I ignore him most of the time when he starts acting like that.

I know what you are saying about needing to live my own life. I am trying to work it out so that once I do move, it will be for good, and I will not have any reason to ever move back.

I also try really hard to not involve my boyfriend with my family drama. I tell him enough that he understands the dynamics & culture (which he understands a little, his son is half Asian), but he also has drama from his parents/family that is a little similar to mine. I don't know if his parents drink, but I know he has a difficult relationship with his stepmom. She unfairly blames him for stuff. So, we lean on each other, but not too much. We are always there for each other, to vent, to listen, or just to say "I understand". That is really an awesome thing that I really appreciate about him.

Hope you are having a happy day!

{{bfg}}}

{{hugs to everyone, too}}

May 27, 2010
1:57 am
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Hepburn
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(((Ladies)))

Wow, China, we have a lot in common. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. That must have been very hard on you.

You have a lot on your plate. Sounds like you are prioritizing things though. You have to! Maybe you could talk your dad into springing for a cleaning lady. Or better yet, since your brother can't seem to pull himself away, make him pay for one! And to heck with the elders!

An old boyfriend of mine (around 25 years ago) once said to me "you certainly weren't raised Japanese". I said, "you got that right buddy boy". I broke up with him not too long after that. Some men just want a personal slave.

I think I'll try and find a nice jewish man next time around. I hear they treat their women like queens!

WTG Lillabit! Scores another point for the team!

May 27, 2010
2:12 am
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Hepburn
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In This Moment, I choose my spiritual family.

Although I love my blood relatives, they can't always understand and support the changes in me. Even if my parents can't give me the love I deserve, my needs are still valid. it's my responsibility to ensure my needs are met. I have a legitimate need for encouragement as I grow in recovery. How others treat me is more often a reflection of them than of me. Hurt people hurt people. Loving people are loving to others. As it says in Tradition Three, "The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships." It's my job to find and nurture those positive relationships and create my own spiritual family.

May 28, 2010
11:02 am
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Hepburn
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In This Moment, I know to reach for the oxygen!

On a recent trip, a flight attendant instructed us, "In an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Then you will be able to help others." This made sense in an airplane - and in my life. When I was growing up, everyone else's needs came first. As an adult, I continued to put myself last. Trying to take care of everyone else was overwhelming. I lost myself. My life was unmanageable.

In CoDA, I'm learning to put my own needs first. I accept my Higher Power's guidance. In a crisis, I reach for the oxygen first. I'm confident that my Higher Power keeps it within easy reach.

May 28, 2010
12:38 pm
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Lillabit
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In this moment... today... I am taking care of business. instead of putting off th e inevatable. i am doing it. (im just takimg a break now!!)

May 29, 2010
1:13 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Happy day to everyone here!

(((Chinadoll))) I understand this...ur dad has some similiar traits to my mom...when you do leave...be careful...people whoo want tight control of you do not do well when you.break free from them...

When I got engaged and moved out...I just took some clothes...had nothing else...my sister told me that my mom threw and broke furniture and made my dad and her...the next targets.

My sister, who is like my mom now in many ways..felt abandoned and told me to move back in...that is control...that is not love.

May 29, 2010
1:14 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Happy day to everyone here!

(((Chinadoll))) I understand this...ur dad has some similiar traits to my mom...when you do leave...be careful...people whoo want tight control of you do not do well when you.break free from them...

When I got engaged and moved out...I just took some clothes...had nothing else...my sister told me that my mom threw and broke furniture and made my dad and her...the next targets.

My sister, who is like my mom now in many ways..felt abandoned and told me to move back in...that is control...that is not love.

May 30, 2010
11:40 am
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Hepburn
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In This Moment, I am committed to my recovery.

For me, commitment is a living, breathing thing. It is a conscious choice that I make today and every day. I commit to myself first before I commit to others. Only if I take care of myself can I have healthy relationships or be of service to others. Then genuine love and energy flow.

May 30, 2010
9:37 pm
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sexychoclady
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in this moment i am upset,i had a incident at work occur and my negative thinking tells me they are out to get me.. In this moment. I will watch and pray for clarity. And proof, i will then write a grievance. So just for the moment i feel a little better.

May 31, 2010
9:52 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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(((SCL))) what happened? care to talk bout it? I hope your ok! When i used to work, I worked with a mob of women who were brutal and I still after like 25 yrs, have nightmares about!

May 31, 2010
9:54 am
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I choose to live today, as happy as possible, I know that we have little time on earth and things are and might be ending soon, but what I have left, I will enjoy:)I will hug my child and tell her I love her, I will try to be a better wife to my hubby, I will try to be a happier more postive person, I will try to live life as if its my last, everyday!

May 31, 2010
11:12 am
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Hepburn
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(((BFG, SCL)))

I think it's good that you are stepping back and not reacting. It's a good idea to observe first before you take any action.

Love,

Hep

May 31, 2010
11:22 am
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SCL, I opened my "In This Moment" book (this morning) randomly to any page and this is what it said:

In This Moment, I'm grateful for the opportunity to grow.

My boss, with whom I'd had difficulties, moved on to another job. I was so relieved. A temporary director from another facility came to manage the program. The staff flourished under her strict, but consistently fair rule. Four months later, my ex boss reapplied and was hired. When I heard, I recited the Serenity Prayer over and over. This situation was one of those things "I cannot change." I wasn't willing to abandon my job, so I needed to change my attitude. When I became more open-minded, I saw that my boss had changed as well; he was more patient and a better communicator. Life in recovery is full of surprises and opportunities for growth.

June 2, 2010
1:28 pm
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chinadoll
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In this moment, I am focusing on "what is", and not on "what is not".

I just got back from the East Coast, visiting with my boyfriend for a couple of days.

Instead of focusing on what he does not do...he does not tell me that he loves me, he does not make promises to me about the future, he does not call me "honey" or "baby" or sweetie". When he introduces me to other people, he introduces me by my name, and does not always call me his "girlfriend".

Also, he does not yell at me, he does not call me names, he does not make me feel bad about myself, even if I do something embarrassing. He doesn't blame me for stuff when things don't go right.

So, I focus on what he does do...he holds my hand in public. He puts his arm around me sometimes when we are walking, he opens doors for me most of the time, he makes me smile and laugh a lot, he listens to me when I tell him things. He gives me hugs and kisses when it's time for me to leave. He wants me to call him when I finally get home on the West Coast, even if it wakes him up in the middle of the night and he has to go to work early the next day.

If I focused on some things and not other things, I would miss out on so many good and awesome things. So, even if he does not act like a mushy, love-struck guy, he looks out for me and does nice things for me.

And, for that, I am grateful.

June 3, 2010
12:07 pm
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sexychoclady
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Hi everyone,been busy since i went back to work. Thanks for the post.In this moment i am ok. Taking deep breaths and just relaxing..

In this moment right now

June 3, 2010
2:45 pm
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chinadoll
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Hi SCL,

Sorry for what you were going thru at work. I had a similar situation, but actually they were all out to get me, it wasn't just in my mind. I was being discriminated against in a big way.

I ended up filing a grievance. In the end, it did not go in my favor. I felt like it was a hostile work environment after that. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going thru.

Take care!

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