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In this moment.....
May 21, 2010
6:29 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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((( andii))) gosh ,thank you for that, i never thought about it like that before, thank you so much:)

How are you doing?

May 21, 2010
7:58 pm
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sexychoclady
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(((HUGS))) Bfg i am glad u shared ur feelings. I agree with andii.. I find, the thing about depression were just gonna have sad days.Some days i am not able to process or understand life as it happens right away. I hit a all time low.Until i except what i can not change.Then i get happy again.I do understand it to be a mental illness,or menopause, some days because no way can you go from happy to sad,zero to 100 in seconds with out it being mental or hormonal, emotional. Anyway i am just thankful we have a place to come vent..Hold on BFG better days are comin..

May 22, 2010
3:49 pm
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Hepburn
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(((andii, BFG, SCL))) Positive energy to you my friends.

May 22, 2010
3:52 pm
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Hepburn
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In This Moment, I'm in the best place.

Every morning I start the day with a short meditation. One morning, I woke up feeling less than excited about the day. I allowed my thoughts to flow freely. I found myself going over the journey to where I am. I have been through hard times, but I have enjoyed good things, too. I would not be who I am today without the good and the bad.

I like who I am today. I am grateful for where the journey leads me. I am in the best place I can be.

May 22, 2010
4:52 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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All my friends are on this thread! Well almost chinadoll is missing and some others too...

I am trying ao hard to be upbeat...have some issues now going on...but I will deal with it...as it comes...

I lack real motivation...there is so much I should do...but don't...my work is piling up here...

I want to have it together...but I always fall short. I want to be compassionate to me as I am often with others...why do we beat ourselves up?

Well I know why...just have to work on things...and its a rainy gray day too...not helping matters!

Hugs to everyone;)

May 22, 2010
7:52 pm
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sexychoclady
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Ditto!! Hep,always on point,it seems. BFG PLEASE! Put the bat away use a feather on urself.. I don't know why,well i think for me. When u grow up not being nutured u become hard on the inside. Because u feel bad and unworthy and un loved so u learn coping skills,and learn to look outside ourselfs for all our needs,gosh!!I think i am getting to the end of the story.I am on this site. In the moment, I am taking care of me, by being kind to myself,exercise,journal,seek information about my issues. I am responsible for my life,emotions,I am enuff..Right in this moment..Peace!

May 22, 2010
8:03 pm
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(((Scl)))thank you so much...yes I need too do that...I do work out four days a week and go to ww...lost a lot of weight...make healthy meals..watch only good things on tv...

I am just so tired all time and I sleep a lot cause my bones ache and sometimes burn...its my n birth family...I let them wheel me in again

May 23, 2010
1:29 am
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chinadoll
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Hi bf girl!

I am here! This is my first time on the LB threads, and this thread is awesome!

Hi SCL! I have missed you and bf girl!

Hi Hep! Nice to meet you, alien , andii and MsG! I am pretty new, I started on the Support threads a little more than a month ago..checking it out. Found aac by accident, glad I did, it's been good!

Thanks for these "moments"! Good stuff, for sure!

{{HUGS}}

May 23, 2010
4:42 am
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andii
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(((BFgirl)))

May 23, 2010
4:45 am
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andii
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China doll,

It's great to meet you too!

I was attracted to these threads because they were "smaller" there's so few compared to support. Support threads scared me for that very reason. I still haven't quite figured out the difference, other than on this side one can mention God and discuss some spiritual things.

Again, good to meet ya!

andii

May 23, 2010
10:13 am
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Hi guys:)

I am glad to see you again chinadoll...how are you? I been thinking of you.

Hi andee...what's new with you?

Hep...any new thoughts for today?

Has anyone seen bitsy...I have not seen her around here...I hope she is ok...

Misguided:) hope you ok and anyone else I missed too on here,

I am getting things done. Hubby comes home tonight..I am going to make a nice home cooked meal for him...

Its rainy here in pa....but it looks as though summer is almost here...after the snowstorm of the century...its going to be heaven on earth...well until winter comes again.

May 23, 2010
10:34 am
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I wonder if alien got to go away and spend some time in a cabin?

Oh I hope so!

May 23, 2010
11:01 am
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Good morning bf girl!

I have been fine, busy, but things have been good. It's good to see your hubby is coming home. That's great! I'm sure he will love the home-cooked meal!

I am flying into PA this weekend (Sat) for a quick Memorial Day weekend visit with my boyfriend. He's not in PA, but it's easier for him to drive up to Philly airport than DC or Baltimore to pick me up.

Well, he pays the tickets for me to fly and see him, so I leave it up to him for which airport I fly in and out of. I'll be flying back home to CA on Tues.

It's good the military has trained us both for flying these short trips, sometimes on short notice!

It's good to hear the weather is good there. You guys had a horrendous winter, from what I heard.

Good morning everyone!!

{{HUGS}}

May 23, 2010
11:22 am
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Hepburn
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((((Ladies))))

Nice to meet you Chinadoll, and welcome to aac. Ah yes, the LIBS side. Ya never know what might happen over here. Yes, this side is for discussing spirituality, religion and all things etherial. That is if those things want to be discussed. Any words pertaining to any faith is not to be used on Support side; God, Higher Power and even the word "pray" or "prayer" has been disguised over there.

There have been a few holy wars that have gone on over here, which is why some people won't come over to this side any more.

Either side, this site ain't for sissies! As much as I would miss everyone, my ultimate goal is to not be here anymore.

May 23, 2010
11:31 am
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Hepburn
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In This Moment, I must speak.

It breaks my heart to take a stand that I fear will create turmoil. Yet, I must speak. Denying the truth has far worse consequences. Wellness for me is dependent on my ability to be honest. I am deeply grateful that I have a program which values honesty. By being true to myself, I can expect a miraculous change in my life.

May 23, 2010
7:31 pm
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sexychoclady
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OMG everyday i feel u..Your words today has been my experience. At work, I had to speak up today for myself. My first fear was it is my supervisor and i don't wanna rock the boat.Because i may make him mad at me and he would not hire me for overtime.Who am i to question his order.(I work in law enforcement). But i wanted to be sure ,I knew i was right and i trusted myself and spoke up. And he did what he was suppose to do,instead of having me do it. Wow!All of this is connected to low esteem..Also i love ur long term goal. Hep, go head sista gurl..You doing the dam thing,I like ur recovery!!!Awsome!! I can tell u been working ur progam for a while...Wink&agun

HI, CHINA welcome,

May 24, 2010
12:07 am
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chinadoll
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I have learned in recent years that it is ok to speak up. I have never spoken up in order to be in a derogatory or purposely hurtful manner to anyone (that I am aware) and if that happens, I do apologize to them right away.

But I have decided that nothing stops anyone else (especially in my real life, which is what I am mainly referring to) from speaking out, and a lot of times, they don't even care if they are going to be hurtful. So I figured, why not speak? I have just as much right as they do.

I have come a long way from this. In my culture, the women are not encouraged to speak out. They allow the man to speak for them. The men are put first, treated like the king of the house. Like they just sit in their chair and you are supposed to bring them hot tea and slippers. And not say, "you have two legs, get up and get it yourself!"

I haven't gotten that bold, yet, but working on it. I am so thankful that my boyfriend is not from my same culture! He doesn't care if I speak out and then tell him everything that is on my heart. 🙂

Thanks, Hep, for the reminder! We all must speak!!

May 24, 2010
7:43 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Hey Chinadoll...

We have that in common, I never spoke up and was always afraid to have my opinion, I was shamed for it by my parents and then later by others who sensed a weakness in me and then used that to pound me down further...

I am getting better at it, I try to be firm...but i either back down or get so emotionally hurt by it that I end up just hurting myself even more:(

That is cool bout your trip to Pa and how your boyfriend is understanding and believes in equality in a relationship...there are many men who do not believe that in other cultures but I can see how it would be more intimdiating in yours, you grew up in that and it kinda of leaves you in limbo, feeling as if you should maybe conform that, I understand that alot.

What I basically get upset bout is when people hurt with words and then feel its ok to do that...my parents do that alot, then they are like, oh what is your problem? Dah! Since moving away from them, getting into theraphy and doing alot of work on my end, I began to see things for what they were, it was a kind of controlling brainwashing since birth, gosh I had no chance, that was bound to happen...

I am free now cause I do not feel I have to be contact anymore, I had freed myself from pain and torture...

And hep is right, this side is different...your not suppose to discuss religion on the other side, but people find sneaky ways to do that and that upsets me, so I try not to go over there, its too triggering to me, its wrapped around my abuse, as I was hurt by religion and many of my issues are wrapped up in that...I actually feel SAFER over here, go figure but I do!

Hubby and us had a great dinner last night and now we are going for our morning walk with the dogs, I wish everyone a happy day!

May 24, 2010
12:04 pm
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Good morning bf girl!

Yes, I know what that is, the controlling brainwashing since birth...it's taken years and years for me to break from that.

When I was younger, whenever I would try to tell my parents how I felt about something, they would dismiss it. I would say, "I feel sad, because..." and they would say, "no you don't. You are not sad, you are just looking for sympathy." Like they basically tried to control how I was feeling!!

I can't stop having contact completely, since I am staying at my Dad's house, probably till I finish school. But he is not here all the time, so I at least get some breaks from him.

My Mom passed away last year. Even though sometimes she was harsher than my Dad, she did have a good heart. She was physically and emotionally abused as a child. It didn't help that my Dad is an alcoholic. My Mom would get so upset about his drinking, so then she would take out her frustration on us.

My Dad, at times he can be so insensitive, he will say something very hurtful, and then have this attitude like "I can say what I want, and if you can't take it, then that's your problem." He is still very immature when it comes to those types of things. If you try to tell him that he is being insensitive or inappropriate, he totally doesn't get it.

It's funny, tho', sometimes he will try really hard to impress people, and he has these lady friends he goes to lunch with sometimes, and when they stop over here at the house, he starts talking very sweet to them, and then they say to me, "oh, your Dad is such a nice man", and I want to say "you don't live here."

Once I am done with school, I am looking to move to the East Coast. My Dad, of course is trying to talk me out of it. He doesn't want me to leave him. He is very co-dependent. He actually doesn't want to be responsible for anything. He wants to be able to come and go and leave me to deal with everything.

{{Hugs}} & happy day!

May 24, 2010
6:13 pm
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I've found speaking up not to be an issue but rather, speaking up tactfully. I wonder why? I don't know.

Bfgirl, you asked what was new with me- not much. My divorce is lagging, our attorneys aren't doing anything, it's weird. We're not really fighting as I don't have an interest in that and I don't think he does either, it's going on two years now. I'm frustrated. I wish I knew what to do- it's times like this when I feel helpless and it truly unsettles me. I wish I could just take care of all the legal stuff myself.

chinadoll, I can't imagine being with a man with those kinds of restrictions. What about intimacy? Do women in your culture truly love the men they are with?

andii

May 25, 2010
1:20 am
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chinadoll
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andii,

sorry to hear that your divorce is dragging out. Mine took 1 1/2 yrs. Mainly because once I filed, he wanted to contest it. He was the one that left, but once he saw I was serious about ending it, he wanted to make it difficult.

I don't know if you may have read on the support threads, I had posted before that in my culture, women do not initiate a divorce, even for abuse (which my ex was very abusive, but it did not start out that way). Well, they do initiate them now more than in the past, as now the world is getting so much more modern. But ideally, it is frowned upon quite a lot. Especially the older women will talk among themselves, bad-talking a woman who has done it.

And, if you are in a group or a party, if a woman is sitting alone, people will ask if she is not married, or widowed. But if she says she is divorced, it's like they want to run away very fast, like you told them you have a bad disease.

Back in the long-time-ago days, the marriages were arranged. My grandparents' marriage was arranged from the time they were children. They practically grew up together like brother and sister. They did not get along very well at all. They argued all the time. My grandparents lived with my parents (our family) from the time I was little. So we always heard the arguing in their language.

Nowadays, the people can choose the one they want to marry, but the families have a lot of influence. If the parents do not want you to marry a certain person, they will either pressure you so bad that you end up breaking up, or if you go thru, you could get disowned.

If you don't get disowned, your family makes you miserable when there are family gatherings, finding anything to complain about your husband/wife, always telling you that you could have done better.

The girls are taught from very small that the man is in charge. First the father, or if the father is not living, then the oldest brother. If there is no brother, then an uncle or grandpa if he is still living, or a godfather or cousin, but always a man. And then when she marries, it is the husband.

The girls are taught that she must do everything to keep the man happy. He is allowed to do whatever he wants. She is not to question or disagree. Even for the ones that choose the man they will marry, yes, she may love him very much, but she knows all the time that he is in charge.

There is also a part about luck. Luck is very strong, whether it is good luck or bad luck. If a woman has good luck, her husband will treat her well, and respect her and care for her, even if the culture says he is in charge, maybe if he is very kind, he will not be so strict about it.

If a woman has bad luck, he will take advantage and expect to be waited on hand and foot. He can even have mistresses, or gamble all the money away, or never buy anything for her, not even a dress or a pair of shoes, and she just has to say, "that is my luck."

One time, one of my Mom's friends asked her husband if she could buy some cream for her face, and he told her she did not need it. I guess he thought since he did not use cream on his face, it was not needed.

They are pretty strict about people staying married, even if the couple decides to break up, they stay separated for many years, or even for life. Sometimes the men take on another mistress and has a new family with the mistress, but I think also the children from the first marriage belong to him, so the women do not divorce, they are afraid to lose their children. They just put up with a lot of nonsense.

My boyfriend now, he is just a regular red-blooded American guy. I had not dated Caucasian men very much in the past, before I married, mostly because people tend to stay with similar culture. I am very happy with him. He does not expect me to do anything for him, but when I do something nice, he is very appreciative. He is generous to me, and he always listens to me when I want to talk.

This is such a different experience for me. He does not raise his voice to me, he always asks me if I am doing ok, if I am happy. I am very blessed.

May 25, 2010
8:15 am
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chinadoll...

from what you told me here, I would not put off moving away from your father, whether its on the east coast or not... which it may turn out to be in the future and that is wonderful, but if you can at least mentally get away from your father, I think that would be benefical to your overall health...

YOU deserve to have your own life, you deserve to be happy and nothing good can come from an alcohlic codependent father who wants to control you...people like him always harm those they use...

Moving 1,000 miles from my abusive family, whioh kinda of had very similiar hold over me like your famliy in many ways...was the best gift I could of ever given myself, I got a life that was mine, I got distance which helped me see how the brainwashing held me tied to them and of course the help of a wise friend and then a theraphist really opened my eyes...

I then moved back to where I grew up, it is not as bad as it could of been cause I live on the other side of town, but the distance does help ALOT! What was harder than being physically away was learning to cut the emotional ties, which was wrecking havoc on the mind and body, people can cause so much stress that they can put you in a early grave, they do not have to lift a hand to you but they can have so much psycholoical abuse to your and cause health problems, even deadly ones...

I seen it in my family, people dying too early from heart attacks, diabeties and what not, I know that their forms were stress related, I seen the alcholism in my family, I seen what really was behind all the medical fatlies, it was stress and abuse!

I am glad you found someone who is loving and caring, your want eventaully to have peace in your relaitonship with him, that means taking out the drama and having a new life with him or whoever it will be eventually...you do not need that in your relationship, many marriages fail cause these reasons...I used to complain bout my family all the time to my husband, over the years I seen what it did to him and our marriage, I had to stop it, I had to leave that dysfunction out of our relationship...once I did things did improve and its not so stressed anymore...

of course what you do it your decision, I just been through this...still going through it but its my new attitude that is making us happier...there is not so much stress...sometimes we get used to that, its like a drug, we sometimes crave drama cause its familiar, its what we know, and when there is no drama, we wonder what is wrong, things feel off...drama kills us and those we love...

I see so much in you of myself...((((HUGS CHINADOLL)))))))0

Andee...

gosh, two years and you still not divorced? Why does it take so long? I am not familiar with the process but I have heard it can take a long time. i am sorry Andii, can you contact your lawyer and ask why they are not moving things along?

(((((((((((((andii)))))))))))

May 25, 2010
12:38 pm
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What the heck? I'm gone for a couple of days and find that this thread gave birth! lol

(((SCL, BFG, China, andii)))

I don't have a lot of time to post this morning. Maybe more this afternoon. BUT I wanted to CONGRATULATE SCL for speaking up! Way to Go! Scoring one for the team. That's how I feel when one of "us" has a personal victory. We all win.

Thanks for the support SCL, but I'm not as far along as one might think.

I had a "relapse" this weekend. Ended up "engaging" with the xbf. But it's ok. Melody Beattie (who will be referred to as MB from now on) wrote that relapses (she refers to them as "recycling") are a necessary part of recovery. Without relapsing we'll sometimes forget why we left in the first place and need to be reminded. A person never goes back to square 1 after a relapse. Maybe square 1.5 or square 2, but never square 1. Anyway, I LOVE HER!

So I've had the "Codie Crazies" for about a week. I've been in isolation mode, don't want to see anyone for fear of what might come out of my mouth. I'm finally starting to come out of it, so hopefully I'll want to be social again. Problem is I really only have 1 friend left and she's usually too busy to do stuff with. I got rid of all my other friends who turned out to be toxic.

China, I can relate to your culture. I'm half Asian myself. I decided a long time ago (I probably have a 30 yr head start on you) not to go in that particular direction. I'd had enough of serving the men first, just having enough time to eat myself, before having to clean up after them. I only had to deal with them on holidays, thank God. My dad is #1 son, but oddly enough didn't really get into all of that. After all he married a caucasion, which his family wasn't too thrilled about in the beginning. After I came along, I was considered a half breed. Then growing up in white suburbia with an Asian father and white mother? In the 50's? I got it at both ends.

My father is too old to change, and I figure at his age, he can be however he wants. Basically he's a good person, stubborn as hell, and angry as hell sometimes.

I've never been attracted to Asians because of their culture. Of course the white guys I've hooked up with weren't too great either!

Andii, there's obviously something going on that a divorce would take 2 years and counting. I think if you really want out, you could make it happen. JMO.

Special hug to you (((((BFG))))).

May 25, 2010
12:42 pm
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In This Moment, I choose how to spend my time.

Although other people and situations may pressure me, ultimately I make the decision of how to spend my time. Not making a choice is a choice. How I spend my minutes, hours, and days determines how I live my life. Am I living the life I want to lead? Or am I living the way someone else thinks I should? Sometimes in order to say "yes" to what I want, I have to say "no" to something else. If I spend time figuring out what's really important to me, I can focus my energy on those areas. Knowing what's important to me helps me achieve my goals and enjoy life.

May 25, 2010
2:50 pm
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Yes...I choose to spend my time doing things for my family...today I take great pride in the fact that my home is very clean and organized! I finally did it! I also took an hour out for me, got some wendys chili and a drink and sat outside on my new deck, feeling the air, smelling the flowers and enjoying the sun...knowing that I was doing what I needed to do, and that one hour that was mine, was heaven!

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